Recap 9/14: Choking the Rivers with Their Dead
This car is increasingly how I feel about my recaps: charred wreckage. Remnants of once-good-things. Or maybe that’s stretching it too far. Maybe I’ve been churning out Pintos. Or Yugos. Or basically….anything European. (The German cars being the exception...because man, those peeps are good engineers.
And they loooove David Hasselhoff.
So thank God they've got that car thing.)
Anyhow, here we are on week three, episode four, and this recap will be remarkably similar in content to episodes one, two and three. Shhh! Pretend I didn't say that! No! I swear! This is totally new and different! Next week: nude photos. You think I'm kidding? Wait. And watch. And behold the magic.
So we are back, back at the theater, where yada yada Jay comes out and performs a little bit of comedy. About hurricanes and the Californians who complain about the people who live in known hurricane lane, and the foolishness of said individuals. “That’s right, California people, enjoy your earthquakes and mud slides…” The audience laughs, and Jay is gleeful he gets to tell a jokey wokey. I added the baby talk, because I’ve got nothing else goin’ for me right now. Please forgive me, I know not what I do…<---Bryan Adams…and Shazzer. He finishes by insulting most of the Midwest, but particularly Indiana, where he calls everyone fat and white and lined up at Cracker Barrels. When the audience gasps and boos, he says, “it’s funny 'cause it’s true,” and then, “I’ll see you on FORT.” Ha! Actually, he says “message boards” but I’m just going to assume we’re the magnet of the reality TV world, and that all good people, all sane people, all delicious people, come to our home. They’re sucked in by a powerful, unstoppable force. Which is how I came to write for this site: Suction.
Soon, it’s time for the parade of potential looooosah’s (i.e. not really losers, just those that have the chance to be sent back to the Serengeti post-show): From season one: Rob Cantrel, Rich Vos, Tess, and Ralphie May. From Season two: Alonzo Boden, Tammy Pescatelli (who has the shiniest, greenest boobs EVER!), Gary Gulman (who has the shiniest, greenest boobs EVER! I think he’s trying to impress Todd Glass) and Jay London.
The first thought I have is “oh please go home Jay London.” Yes, he’s fine and good and his comedy is fine and good and I feel warm and squishy inside when I look at him, just like the center of a microwaved Hostess cupcake. BUT, that said, I really am ready to NOT hear his comedy for awhile.
But first…which team…wins…the money? <----desperately trying to add tension. I..have failed. *hangs head* The winners are…Season two!! AGAIN!! Season one is being crushed, as season two marches onward and upward, their battle cries heard from the far reaches of time and space. No one is surprised, especially Ralphie, who “calls it” before Jay says it. The season two people go nuts and Kathleen body tackles Ant on the couch. He is squished, and probably wishes the sweet bottom on top of him was Gary's.
So the lowest vote getters: Tammy Pescatelli (horizontal green bunches are not anyone’s friend), and Jay. The lowest peeps from season one are Tess and Rob Cantrell. All boo, and Jay Mohr chides them for being idiots. The segment ends with somebody doing something hilarious off stage that we don’t get to see.
When You're a Jet You're a Jet all the way.....
Right before the commercial, I said to myself, “I’m sure it’s that war room crap again.” But oh no, my little peeplets, I have been surprised! Successfully! Apparently last week, the comics were to give their opinions on how the peeps have all done so far. And here is that dull list. But read it! Read the whole thing! Or not. Whatever.
Tess: thinks her team needs divine intervention.
Geoff: says they’ve been sucking wind as a group
Rich Vos: “our team has given it everything they have, which is me”
Dave Mordal: he says that if America is going to pull for the underdog, they need to start now.
Dat phan: over footage of a screaming war room, he states they don’t have a leader, but Ralphie might be it *cue Ralphie footage*
Ralphie: “Our Team sucks.”
Season two has summer camped-it-up, joining hands, swaying and singing.
Kathleen: says Ant is in charge of everything, no matter what his little mouth utters.
Ant: says all this stuff about cohesive teamy-ness, and said it, “was like Tommy Lasorda sat us down and had a conversation with us.” He looks off to the side, “who is Tommy Lasorda and why did you tell me to say that?”
Jay: he says they’re going for the jugular, and doing it in a very choreographed way (“choreographed” immediately makes me envision the comics twirling and leaping their way to the season one comics, in a very West Side Story Way. "When you're a Jet, (yeah)
You're the swingin'est thing: *kick, twirl*
Little boy, you're a man; *leap*
Little man, you're a king!" *river dance* )
Alonzo: he says they’re totally storing the funny up in giant funny barrels. They have funny that’s been left home and they’re saving some funny for season six.
Tammy: she thanks the comics from season one and says it will be nice to see them when she pulls up and gives them the keys to park her car. Oh no she di-in’t! Oh yes, she did. The audience goes wacko and boos and hoots, those hooty booers, Hooty and the Booers. <-----that’s just for me. Because I'm desperate. Help me!
Rich Vos: how to make the team better? With a flame thrower.
Dave Mordal: he thinks they’d get the edge by writing season two’s material, and insist he’s capable of writing truly craptacular stuff (without using the word craptacular).
Todd Glass: Insists he loves team one and wants to win. And then he curses.
Sean Kent: He quotes Abba and says, “Take a chance on me.”
Tess: she clues us in to the big jello wrestling finale, and asks who we’d rather see, her, or Jay London *flash to footage of a half naked Jay with grandfatherly swim trunks and his pasty white back, diving into a pool*
The Part of the Recap that REALLY Sucks
Yes, you’ve guessed it. It’s the comedy. The part of the recap that’s delightful on stage, but on paper…is just……words. They do not come alive, they do not dance, and they do not make sound effects. Unless I’m really, really, really, good. Or unless you’re smoking crack. So light up! And read! Do it now! *sound of a cracking whip*
Sean Kent: this season one peep tells us about how his doc delivered his cancer news to him last year, by saying he had good news, and bad news. The bad news: he had cancer. Sean said the good news better not have been that the doc saved money by switching to Geico. He’s all for stem cell research, and suggests that if the government has their mitts controlling everything, they’d control masturbation too, and then there’d be no reason to live. He envisions a government task force at your bathroom door, “drop it! Drop it! Get your hands off Mr. Happy! Now kick it over to me!” He’s pro gay marriage, but his southern family is against it and says the next thing you know, people will be marrying goats. He says if you can get a goat to say I do, then you deserve to marry it. More goat jokes, and he finishes with terrorists having nothing to do after we clean up Iraq, and going on job interviews at The Gap. Interviewer: “it says here that you’re against showing ankles, and that’s gonna be weird because we sell a LOT of Capri pants.”
John Heffron: he does his typical bunch of family jokes and everyday commentary. He lies and says that the baby of the family is always responsible for getting the older siblings in trouble. (A lie, as I am the baby of my family, and I suffered countless bouts of my older brothers punching me in the arm, and then yelling “ouch” to bring down the reign of terror on my ass from my parents. This probably explains too many things.) Anyhow, babies have it good. Whatever. His younger brother apparently went a different route, and would yell “I can’t breathe!” no matter what was being done to him. He jokes about being grounded and twanging the thing on the bedroom door to drive the family nuts. His brother would come up and stick his fingers under the door and say, “I’m freeeee!!” He’d grab his bro’s fingers until he yelled again, “I can’t breathe!” He finishes with jokes about popsicles, and the joy of inviting your parents to your house, and messing them up with the thermostat settings. He liked to set it really cold, and then have his dad reach for it, only to slap his hand and say, “you don’t touch that! Nobody touches that but me!”
Geoff Brown: He’s pissed about losing another 50k, and then jokes that the season two people really don’t have 150 thousand DOLLARS, but rather 150 thousand in Chuck E. Cheese coupons. He has a new little baby girl, and decided to call her Bailey Gabriel, “we named her that so you don’t know she’s black until she gets to the interview.” He said there’s no Shaneeaqua Shenaynay in his baby naming future, and says that if your names ends in “equa’ or “nay nay” then go change it to Claire on Monday. He finishes by making fun of babies. Seriously. He talks about all other babies having giant mutant heads, with big chubby legs lopping over the sides of the stroller, and then runs across the stage likes a toddler.
Todd Glass: He starts off by lying and saying he’s adopted a Korean baby, and thinks it might get him more votes. He doesn’t understand why Jeopardy participants can’t write their name better. He loves people with silly senses of humor, and says if you think you’re too cool to be silly, there are always two women across the bar who will point you out as a jackass. More jokes about being pulled over by a cop, and fictiously rubbing his eyes and crying to the cop, “is big baby gonna give me a ticket?” Hopefully intimidating the cop enough to force him to reply, “no man, I was just gonna say what’s up. I’ll see you later.” He finishes with someone writing in a bathroom stall, “whoever reads this is an idiot,” and someone below that writing, “whoever wrote this is an even bigger idiot.” He chastises the second guy, because what’s the first guy gonna do, come back and cry, “oh God he’s right!” He ends the show having a tantrum on the stage, and crying and begging for your votes.
Dat Phan: He’s in a relationship with a girl he loves who happens to be white, and says he wants to turn the tables, and be the first asian guy to adopt a white baby. He jokes about Angelina Jolie bringing her son back to Cambodia, when all he probably wants to do is go to Disney World. He wants to flip flop the save the children commercials and save poor white kids instead, hosting it with an Asian, like Chow Yun Fat. "I know what you're about to see could disturb you, but we have poor white kids. This girl is so poor she doesn’t have a pair of shoes. Okay she does, but they’re dirty. And she doesn’t even have a cell phone. Okay she does, but it has a bad calling plan.” He finishes by talking about disciplining his girlfriend's kid, and toting him off, under his arm, when he misbehaves in a food court. And then realizes, “Hey, I’m walking across the mall with a crying little blonde kid under my arm, and it doesn’t help that I’m saying, “shhh…quiet, quiet, do you want to see your mom again?’ " Annnd he’s done!
Ant: This could be the first time I actually add commentary on the comedy on this show, but poor little Ant. He has a very cliché set, as he delivers joke after joke that makes the audience uncomfortably twitter and gasp. He jokes about pretending his fans are the paparazzi and posing for them. He jokes about how he wishes we had anti-depressants a lot earlier, like when Hitler was around. He can’t imagine him complaining about Jews while he’s on Prozac. He jokes about being old enough to call the cops after he saw people having sex outside. “I called the cops…after I stopped filming it.” And he finishes with his joke about how, despite being a man, he has never had the fantasy of two chicks at the same time. How would that work, “I’ll hold her down, you do her nails!”
Dave Mordal: He immediately apologizes for his gel-y look on the first three episodes, and says, “never let season two do your hair.” He says he’s building his own house and has to go slow because the show he’s watching is only on once a week. He then goes into a long and hilarious bit about home improvement. First off, he says home improvement shows should be called, “Things you’ll never finish,” and jokes that during the commercial breaks, “we’ve poured all the footings and finished the wiring!’ He says he wishes that they’d show one of these home improvement shows with the kind of construction workers we’ve all actually known. “Hi and welcome to “Things You’ll Never Finish.” We were going to do the roofing episode today, but if you were watching COPs last night, you’ll see where my crew is.” He finishes with jokes about taking his kid “camping” to a hotel, and forcing him to watch national geographic for his outdoor experience. His own dad started off every camping trip with an enormous hangover, and said he was all over the map, “after three hours, we’re not on the road anymore, and we’re following a broken blood vessel in my dad’s eye.”
Kathleen Madigan: She can’t believe Celine Dion sells 400 tickets a night in Vegas, let alone several $250 seater tickets, “which is a coincidence, because that’s how much I’d pay her to shut the hell up.” She talks about the Sigfried and Roy tragedy, and thinks the even bigger tragedy is the fact that the audience had to be TOLD that the show was over. She jokes about raspy-voiced casino ladies, and finishes with jokes about religion, Catholic school, and Jehovah’s witnesses. “I think what’s funny is that the Jehovah’s people only believe that 144,000 people are going to heaven….so why go door to door to get more people?”
Na na na na, hey, hey, hey, good bye!! <---blows
And we’re finally at the end of the show, where my burning car comes to a slow stop and starts to char mailboxes it has hovered near. It’s time to announce who goes home, and all the peeps assemble on stage. Tess looks ready to cry even before they announce the news. But no need! Rob Cantrell goes home, Juicy! He exits the stage by humping Tess’s leg in an uncomfortable way, and I can only imagine how much better that would look if it were done in jello. She hands him a flask that must have been staged, and he takes a swig. We have no idea what’s in it. Whiskey? Cough Medicine? I hope it’s the good stuff, because man, if it’s Nyquil, he’ll be in a sweet happy coma by the time he hits the end of the stage. *groans to self, feeling worse than Ant*
And now it’s time for season two: the person going home is………Tammy Pescatelli! The audience gasps, and I’m a bit chagrinned, not only because I will have to recap more Jay jokes, but because she’ll never be able to redeem herself for her choice in shiny, green, bunchy tops.
Next week: I’m making this whole thing up. I swear to God. Yes I am. Okay not really. But I’m tempted. I’m really, really, tempted. Anyhow, Jay says something about heading into “the next round of the competition.” Oooo. What does that mean? Will there actually BE a Jello contest? Good God, I hope so.
I liked the title the best too. *sigh* firstname.lastname@example.org