Disclaimer: the title of this recap has nothing to do with this show...but how else was I going to get you in here? Ha!
There was a Twilight Zone episode where a runty man with coke bottle glasses dreamt of being left all alone so he could read, read, read. And then the world ended. Apocalypse. A very 1950’s/1960's apocalypse, where somehow all people were *poof* disintegrated , but the buildings, the shake shops, the moon pies: alllll fine and dandy. And so was runty man. And if memory serves poorly, he was left with little to read. Or without glasses. Or...whatever, but I'm bending this story to my will, so let's just say he was left with little to read but cereal boxes and mattress tags and traffic signs and other unexciting things. Poor man. But now you too can live the experience. Hello my peeplets, and welcome to the nutrition label of the recap world: The Last Comic Standing Three recaps, which are all about recapping hard-to-recap material, and delivering it to you in a mattress-taggy-interesting way. But there has to be "something" out there. And this is it: something. So. Let's...get...ready...to.. party. Woo. hoo. *pumps weak fist in the air*
Tonight's show is brought to you by the fine folks at Netzero. Which I'm sharing in the hopes that Netzero spots me a few bucks. And my recap is brought to you by Diet Dr. Pepper, Sunkist oranges, and sweet, hard, rock cocaine. Ooops, did I say that out loud? I meant rock candy. Crack. Or maybe Pop Rocks: The pretend crack. Because that’s what we want to teach the kids. As wholesome as candy cigarettes. Which fyi, I loved. *cough, cough* <---smoker’s cough.
The Rich Get Richer, or A Different, Zippier, Subtitle Heading
The show opens with Jay Mohr again, wearing a giant pumpkin costume and lederhosen whilst chewing on an enormous stick of beef jerky the size of my left arm. Or maybe he’s wearing a suit. But that’s not as interesting now, is it? No. He gets right on down to bizness and let’s us know why we’re here: the remaining comics will all court Jay Mohr and be eliminated one by one in a series of rose ceremonies. How Jay will decide who to pick, I have no idea. On the one hand, you have curvy Tammy Pescatelli who continues to flash her yabbos in tube tops every week. On the other hand, you’ve got Alonzo Boden who has a firm grip, which I‘m sure could come in handy. You know…to open pickle jars .....or something. Lots of pickle……..jar…grabbing….on these dating shows.
Disclaimer: I’d like to apologize right now for any offensive humor I may impart during the recapping of this show. I have little to work with, and when that happens, I go straight to the gutter. Because I’m classy. With a K.
In reality, we’re here to award one team 50 grand, and to eliminate the two lowest scoring peeps on both teams. So let's get on down with it: the team with the most votes last Tuesday is………………season two! Again!! We watch them jump around and giggle as their heads inflate to enormous Macy’s-Thanksgiving-Parade balloon proportions, while the season one people clap bitterly. Actually, I don’t think they’re that bitter, but it sounds more menacing and conflict-heavy, so I added it. So that said, the season one people are PISSED and glare at them all with melty laser beam eyes.
Up next, Jay tells us we must eliminate the lowest scoring comics from the show. He’s going to call down two peeps from each team, one of which will be ejected into outer space. The lowest scoring peeps for season two: Kathleen Madigan and Corey Holcomb. The lowest scoring peeps from season one: Tere Joyce and Sean Kent. I’m baffled. Tere…was…amazing. Ahem. Jay begins taunting us by saying he will reveal, right now, who goes home. The stage is filled with tense electronic music as spotlights whirl over the stage and then FREEZE…and Jay tells us, ha ha, no soup for you! We are not learning the fate of the four comics until the end of the show. Rotten Taunty Taunter man. Hmph.
The Yalta Conference
It is time…for…WAR!!!! Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi yi yi!! <-----*strangled war cry* Now is the new part of the show where all the comics must assemble in their bright, fluorescent “war rooms” to plan the demise of the other team via comedy and tear gas..…if they get close enough.
Last week the comics were to choose which people on the other team would be put up in the sacrificial altar of comedy. This week the comics must choose their own players, which shocks all comics as they all oo and ahh upon entrance to their rooms. Both sides immediately start volunteering themselves to go up for the night. Everyone talks over everyone else, and chaos ensues.
Rich Vos and Ralphie May both demand they go up, until Geoff Brown comments, “hey, man, one of you that goes up is not coming back next week.” Immediately Rich Vos slides his photo down and giggles merrily. (Or chuckles in a manly manner. <----a description I’m sure he’d like better.)
Alonzo says that no matter what, the season two people are all gold, all winners in the game of life, and no matter who they put up, it’ll be awesome, whereas the season one people must toss up “throwaways”. That is some smack talk that might get him smacked. But the other team does not hear this, so the smacking…shall wait.
Rich Vos says that last week, season two picked season one’s strongest five. (What? Rich…you weren’t there. Strongest five? With Tere? Puhlease.) He says they need to go with likeability this time. The blue room people, however, are treated to a Todd Glass coach-like chant, “We’re gonna go out there,” he sputters and breathes heavily, “and we’re gonna do our best,” his face getting redder, “and we’re gonna take the bull by the horns and WIN!” almost hyperventilating, “You’ll do it this week, and then I’ll do it next week!!” All season two people look bewildered, except for Gary, who gazes at Todd with little hearts in his eyes.
The red room, season one people finish the war footage by jamming a bayonette in Dat Phan’s leg, and putting their hands together in a very cheery way, tossing them in the air, while Tess says, “To another 50,000 we’re not gonna win.”
On stage, Jay asks the spokespeople to step forward. This is a useless role, this week filled by Tess from season one and Alonzo from season two, whose job it is to (un)dramatically announce their picks for the night. Alonzo announces that the season two peeps will be: Tammy, Gary Gulman, Jay London, and…himself! Woo hoo! *tosses confetti*
Jay puts his arm around Tess’s shoulders, semi-bends down, and jokes, “All right Tess……top ten answers on the board.” Dangit! A hilarious Family Fued joke!! Curse you, Jay Mohr! Curse you! I have very little to work with here. *sigh*
Tess announces the season one choices: Rich Vos, Rob Cantrell, Ralphie May, and….Tess herself! Jay finishes the scene by telling us that Tess and Gary Gulman are the sexiest couple on TV, and all comics will have two and a half minutes to perform prior to being silenced by tasers. (Jay says nothing about tasers, but I’m assuming. NBC is…tough!)
Snorting, Guffawing, and Spitting out Your Yams
Up next for the night is the huge, weekly, laugh-o-rama where we giggle, snort, and spit out our Cheetos in merriment. In theory. Let us summarize and begin enjoying the comedy the way it’s meant to be enjoyed: read on the internet and summarized without the benefit of the delivery. Yeah. This is golden.
Alonzo Boden – he jokes about car shopping and the secretiveness of the pricing. He talks about the Mr. Wizard behind the glass, who comes up with fake lines about not being able to give up the sale price because it’s money out of his own personal pocket. “I'm okay with that…I’ll take food out of your kids mouths if it saves me a few hundred dollars.” More jokes about car buying, and car insurance, which is the only thing we’re all actually afraid to use. He finishes by talking about his dream of burning down an insurance agency just to watch them make a claim, and how life insurance is useless for him. “I don’t have a wife and kids. If I die heavily in debt…I won!”
Ralphie May – he comes out to a super funkalicious rap-like soundtrack that the other comics don’t get. I want to dance. And not just because I always want to dance when I see Ralphie. Or other sizeable white rappers. He starts right off by thanking everyone for all the e-mails and outpouring of support after his father passed, and then says, “now let’s rock the mic!” He jokes about Toronto being an insane 42 degrees below zero during a December visit, and how he had to turn down oral sex from a chattering hooker. He gets accused a lot of being a “wigger” just because he wears hip hop clothes, and says, “I’m not trying to be black. I think black people are trying to act fat. All wearin’ big clothes. Stay out of my fat guy clothes, you don’t need the 52’s. I don’t mess with your 38’s.”
Tammy Pescatelli – her entire bit this night centers on the phrase, “what the hell is wrong with you?” According to her, that’s the real reality show, and should be treated as such. Everybody from cell phone users to baggy pant wearers get nabbed with the phrase. And according to her, Krispy Kremes are so good, if there were anthrax in every fourth one, people would still stand in line outside counting off the donut availability in threes. She finishes by telling us there should be a celeb version of “What the hell is wrong with you?” where people tell Donald Trump his hair is totally jacked up and other people tell Michael Jackson his face is scaring the dog. Her last note about the Donald’s hair: “It would be less distracting if he hired a monkey to sit on his head.”
Tess – First off the bat is her disgust that the republican national convention didn’t cover the REAL issue: fake hair from China. “I know gorilla back when I feel it, all right?” Our rich country should have free dental for all, because there are plenty ‘o people who look like they had a fire cracker set off in their mouth. She then does some inexplicable bit about a marriage she had? I do not know, but apparently..she shot the dude. Fictitiously or real, I have no idea. Her momma told her that men liked a woman with a little excitement, but that she was way too dangerous. “That’s not true, that bullet didn’t even hit him, it just grazed him.” She finishes with a bit about dating white men, and how they all want to take her hiking. “What’s up with you people in the woods, haven’t you been eaten enough by mountain lions?”
Gary Gulman – big, bad Garyola tries to hug the entire audience, and they are grateful. He immediately tells us he’s not proud of the fact that he lived with his parents until he was 26-years-old. “yeah, not too sexy, your place, or my mom’s? If you're 26-years-old and you're waking up under star wars sheets, the force is not with you.” I feel chagrinned, and immediately think of where to hide my latch hook rug pillow of C3PO. He jokes about how his mom doesn’t get e-mail, and how he found out she was spelling out the @ sign. “Thank God for it the abbreviation for "at". We are shortening two letter words now and thank God. If I have to cross one more T…it is sucking the life out of me.” He finishes with his avid reading being punctuated by Curious George books just to impress the peeps.
Rob Cantrell - he’s broke and writing his post cards on the back of postage stamps. He talks about a guy hustling house plants on a street corner in New York City. It’s the first time he saw, “a dude selling plants that would not get you high.” Ahh. Rob pauses a lot. Which I like. As it’s easier to take notes. Delight ensues. He mimics the dude hustling the houseplants, and all are merry. Including I. He says marijuana should be legalized, because he knows the founders of this great country smoked weed. “Benjamin Franklin. Fat, long hair, thick glasses. He might as well wear a Star Trek shirt and have a game boy in his pocket.” He finishes by letting us know that most people have an inner child, but he has an inner old man yelling out bingo scores and insults.
Jay London - welcome back to the land of puns. I’ll chuck a few at ye, and you can guess the rest. Ha! He basically does his same schtick with the joke repetition, and pausing to see if we’re all still listening. Some of us are. Some of us. Here it goes: He’s part of a lawsuit for impotency, the lawyers want him to settle because they said it wouldn’t stand up in court. He was in a very poor country, even his pictures were underdeveloped. Annnd finally, food has replaced sex in his life and now he can’t get into his own pants.
Rich Vos - Rich hates people, especially stupid people, and spends most of his act describing them to us. He’s irritated with the woman at the hotel desk for turning his name into VCS, a name without vowels. Also annoying is a kid at a cd store where he asks for a Lenny Bruce cd, and the kid says he has a Lenny Kravitz cd. “Yeah, any Lenny should do, maybe Lenny and Squiggy had a cd out.” He hates Jared from Subway, and an old man who advised him to quit smoking by telling him his brother just lost a lung. “Yeah, if you don’t quit bothering me your brother is going to lose a brother.” When he’s old, he’s going to yell at kids to get off the lawn, and if he lives on the tenth floor, he’s going to fry pennies and throw hot pennies at their heads. So…he’s a sweetie. He finishes by telling us he would love it if an activist spray painted a fur he was wearing, because he’d toss it over them and club them like a baby seal. As he leaves the stage, he tells Jay Mohr he stinks.
Finally, we are teased no longer! The teasing has ceased, as Jay finally reveals to us who will be sent home from each team. Everyone applauds in politeness as we await (unexcitedly) for the word. He tells us that even the teleprompter tells him to dramatically pause, and then laments over his abandoned acting career. Yeah. Because Mafia would have won him that Oscar. Yeah, I know I know he was in Jerry Maguire. Whatever.
And the people going home tonight are…….Corey Holcomb and Tere Joyce!! Tere looks flabberghasted, while Corey merely skulks away into the shadowy curtains to drown his sorrows.
Next week: the same. Yes. The same. Please swap out this recap, change a few of Jay’s puns, and you’ll be set. Except different people will perform: Season one peeps: Sean Kent, Dat Phan, Geoff Brown, and Dave Mordal, and Season two peeps: Ant, Todd Glass, Kathleen Madigan, and John Heffron. We’ll also reveal the secret to buttery popcorn and who goes home dejected and alone to drown their sorrows with cocktail weenies and mars bars: the salve for any pain.
Pleasing five people at a time...and no, not like that. Sheesh. firstname.lastname@example.org