Welcome….to Fantasy Island. And/or Last Comic Standing 3.
I once accidentally staple-gunned my mom’s thumb. And I know you’re thinking, *gasp* you staple-gunned your mom’s thumb? Yes. Yes I did. I know. You’re shocked. But no worries, people.
She had it coming.
Okay, not really. It was an accident. And no worries, a few days later, she accidentally staple-gunned mine. And that was an accident too. Or so she testified. The point is, as the sharp point penetrated my soft and tender girlie thumb, I cursed. And I don’t curse. Much. But when I found out this season was going to be all stand-up, all the time, I cursed. Not because I don’t loooove good stand-up, because boy howdy, do I. But because I’ve got nothin’, people, nothin' to work with here. I’m grasping. How to recap all stand-up, when the jokes are already present? What can I do? What can I say? I may have to start relying on descriptions of outfits and hairstyles. Because if there’s one thing people care about when it comes to comedy: it's the fashion. And I plan to deliver. Or not.
Tonight, you're rewarded with a double-recap. Episodes one and two...together! As they were meant to be! Two! *click* Two! *click* Two recaps in one! Can you smell that? It’s retsin. And this recap is full of it. Let us get crackin' with the straight-man delivery, shall we?
Oh yeah? Screw You and Your Little Dog too!
The show opens with Jay Mohr shimmering onto stage in a cloudy mist, (or just walking out) and fulfilling his role as narrator-man. First up, the little obligatory clip-show re-run through the land of yesteryear, where the comics laughed, played, and occasionally frolicked with gnomes. Lucky comics.
And then Jay gives us the low down: the comics of season one will battle the comics of season two in firey cage matches designed to taste blood! Or not really. It's all about the comedy. A comedy battle royale for a total of a half mil in cold hard cash-money. For the next eight weeks, we’ll see massive stand-up, and every week, the team that gets the most votes will win a huge cash prize. The one person on each team with the lowest votes each week? Buh-bye. Sayonara. In the end. One winner. One Champion. One lucky dude or dudette who can claim to be "funniest."
Jay Mohr re-introduces us to the season one comics. This isn't exciting, but if you need to know who the peeps are, then...well here you go.
Geoff Brown - says it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. That was a totally worthwhile nanosecond clip, NBC.
Corey Kahaney - her season had more characters.
Rich Vos - in essence, his season rocks the casbah.
Sean Kent - cowboy dude. The hat = GONE. This is important to note. Okay not really.
Dat Phan - wants to entertain America, unlike all the others, who want to cause pain.
Rob Cantrell - says he’s completely different than he was last year. So, basically, a cyborg.
Tess - gives a shout out to the skinny girls.
Dave Mordal - he’s not into the touchy-feely goodtime comedy.
Tere Joyce - she’s jazzed at a second chance to do new material, and has rid herself of the Coolio hair.
Ralhpie May - he wants to give the peeps real comedy, not foo foo comedy. No foo foo for for him. I don’t know what foo foo comedy is, but thank you, Ralphie, for cleansing us of the foo. We have been foonetized.
As a group: they all smack talk about season two, how they’re gonna kick asses, take people down, force feed them bacon, etc. etc. Basically, total smack talk city. Jay brings them all out on stage so that they can wave at us, show off their new gel-y good hair (Dave Mordal, I’m talkin’ to you), and then send them all back into the little land from whence they came.
The season two players are:
Ant - he says they must unite for one comedy goal.
Corey Holcomb - totally excited about the big cash payout.
Kathleen - there’s nothing she would do differently.
Alonzo - being rich is better than being poor. No. Duh.
Todd Glass - says he’s a winner, and has two prosthetic legs and hands.
Tammy - she wants to make America laugh again. Question: but what does America want?
Gary - thinks the team should strategize mucho. I.e. “a lot”.
Jay - no rattle goin’ into battle. He didn’t make it rhyme, but I did. Go me. This should become a chant.
John - calls this the get out of debt show, and says his house is going to win.
After they are displayed in their own little zoo-like way, they yell out various taunts to season one, that all amount to: "Let's choke the rivers with their dead!" Nothing that violent, but there was tension. Oh yes there was.
Oh, my little people, surely you noticed that Bonnie McFarland was not listed above? You were correct to notice. Jay tells us Bonnie has chosen not to appear on the show. Jay tells us that the remaining season two comics must pick an alternate. After four choices, they pick Jessica Kirson, who comes out and bear hugs Jay like a wrestler.
Red rum....Red Rum!!
New for this show is the addition of the "war room". Each team gets a “war room” where they will watch the show, and select the five comics from the opposing team that will perform that night. These war rooms are ugly. As a war room should be. Because war is not pretty. And these rooms fulfill that, one being completely blue (season two) and one being Target-commercial red. So they're ugly. But at least there's no fru fru, hideous wallpaper, or giant blue bedspreads with enormous roses and/or leaves on it.
In the war room, the teams are shown talking over each other and strategerizin’ their brains out. Todd’s idea is to do a sh*t set when he goes on stage. Corey Kahaney tells us John Heffron kills puppies, Jessica Kirson tries to talk about warm feelings, and John Heffron shuts up the newbie. In a final show of comraderie, the season two team sings Todd’s “I need attention” song.
Up next, Jay Mohr asks for spokes peeps from both sides to tell us who picks who to perform that night, and Tere Joyce from season one tells us that they’ve seleted: Jessica Kirson, Todd Glass, Alonzo Boden, John Heffron, and Tammy Pescatelli. Gary hugs all as he leaves, and Todd humps Jessica.
Season two’s spokesperson is Tammy Pescatelli and they pick: Rich Vos, Dave Mordal, Tess, Corey K, and Ralphie May.
The order of the comics is randomly selected, and the remaining ten comics will perform the next night.
Stand-up, Stand-up, Stand-up, Stand-up, and No Room for Shazzer
Up next, wall to wall shag carpeting of comedy, which I will heavily summarize. I’m choppin’ it down, my peeps. Jay starts us off with the ha has by doing a bit about George W. Bush and Kerry talkin’ smack talk about each other’s “motha’s”, and then lets us know that we’re going to spend the rest of this entire episode, and the episode after that, and the one after that, to inifinity and beyond, alllll on stand-up. Which means, these recaps of mine are sure…to…ROCK!. Woo..hoo. The contestants get two minutes on stage, and after that: dead air. It is time to plow through the comics. Ready? And…………GO!!
Jessica Kirson - she screams a lot. I mean.. a LOT. Tells everyone they look gorgeous, and then gives examples of her pot-smokin’ face. She tried to hide her potheaded-ness from the mom by using one of these faces, and saying, “I know it’s ten in the morning, mom but can you make me a roast?” She finishes with jokes about heinous looking people who actually think they’re so good looking she starts to think, “they’re so confident, I’m confused.”
And she’s done. And I’m thinking….wow. That. Was. Fast. Which means…my summaries shall be as well. Woo hoo!
Corey Kahaney -she has a daughter from her first marriage because she loves sourvenirs. She married a sweet lawyer instead of a cut-throat one, and says it’s a lot like finally getting to marry a rock star, but ending up with one from a Christian band. Some jokes about Atlantic city…annnnnd done.
John Heffron - he’s addicted to video games, has to call in ten-year-olds for advice, talks in old man voice about how when HE was little, they had to jump barrels just to get to the princess, and “we had one control and one button and we liked it”. <---tip: Dana Carvey. 'Nuff said.
Tesss - says she represents the juicy girls, and says the skinny girls are probably wonderin’, “man, I didn’t know you could eat and be that sexy.” Where she comes from, men like sturdy women, women who can take a punch. Says feminists ruined things for everyone because all the women could be at home resting right now.
Tammy Pescatelli - she manages to slice down a critic who called her a stereotypical Sicilian, and says she had him whacked. She advises everyone to get a stupid friend to feel superior to, and talks about wearing a bridesmaid’s dress everywhere.
Ralphie May - Ohhh, this is the part of the show that made me cry. And not with tears of laughter. No, instead with huge, ugly, crocodile-tears-o-pain. And because of that, I must report it in full. Ralphie pops out on stage looking quite forlorn, telling us, “My father's name is Winston May. Yesterday he died of cancer.” *gasp* Such awful news, and yet here he is performing, one day later. He’s decided to honor his father by telling some of his favorite jokes, and barely chokes through some extremely hilarious bits, while I laugh and cry with him. Joke #1: An old man is crying on a park bench and a young fellow walks up to him and asks him why he’s crying. The old man says, “I’m 87-years-old, I have a 24-year-old wife, have sex 6 to 7 times a day, as long as I take the blue pills.” The young man asks, “then why are you crying?” and the old man finishes, “I forgot where I live.” Joke #2: Ralphie tearfully tells us this is his father’s favorite joke of all time: An old man and an old woman are sitting in a rest home, and the old man says it’s his birthday, guess how old he is. The old woman tells him to stand up and drop his pants. He does. She reaches up and jiggles her fingers over his man-goodies, and then says, “89.” The old man is surprised and gasps, “how do you know?” The old woman replies: “you told me yesterday.” Both jokes get a huge response from the audience and Ralphie exits the stage to a huge standing ovation from the crowd, Jay Mohr looks moved, and we all extend our deepest sympathies to Ralphie May for this painful loss. He managed to make us laugh through his own sadness, a mark of a wonderful comic. Our deepest sympathies go out to him.
Todd Glass - he pops out on stage talking a mile a minute in an incoherent way and then disses all people with fanny packs. Which means, he disses my dad. Oh Todd, you..are..going…down!! He jokes about how young people think 40-year-olds sound old and does an impersonation of his 8-year-old self doing an impersonation of a 50-year-old, using a crotchety old man voice. He endorses Chemlawn, hopes he gets paid, and again tells us about squeezing cute puppies until they….relieve themselves. Ewwww.
Rich Vos - he jokes about his "gay" pink shirt, and how everything you buy at Marshall’s is somehow deformed and mutated. I.e. like the polo shirts have horses flipping you the bird. He jokes about an expensive Versace blazer that cost 5400 dollars, and says it better be the one the guy got shot in. He finishes with jokes about New Jersey: vacation destination that trumps Hawaii and Bermuda, and talks about the lovely polluted waters, complete with Sharks with neck tumors.
Alonzo Boden - more jokes about the Olympics and how everyone watching suddenly becomes an expert judge on things they know nothing about, and how gymnastics gives him impure thoughts. He then asks, “why do any people ever race the Africans in long distances? The dude from Kenya runs like that every day, you’re never gonna beat them.” He jokes about womens’ volleyball being totally awesome, like eating hot fudge sundae and finding money on the bottom.
Dave Mordal - Animal rights people tick him off. In LA, “you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one.” He jokes about a bumper sticker that says, “help out farm animals, don’t eat one,” and tells us without our hearty appetites, there would BE no farm animals. No dude’s gonna keep 300 or so head of cattle as pets. And you don’t see cows in the wild, which means, without our beef eatin’ ways, the cows would not be raised or cared for. He finishes by telling us people who drive electric cars are morons, because they still use electricity. “Yeah, because electricity comes from magic.” He mocks the drivers by saying outlets lead directly to jelly bean fields.
Of the first night of stand-up. The credits roll, the comics stand on stage with nothing to do with their hands but clap, and we…are done.
Until the next night.
EPISODE TWO - and/or the Same....Exact....Formula
More stand-up my people, and I’d like to make a small note: laptops get HOT when they sit on your lap for two and a half hours. Just a tip. But the suffering: all for you, my peeps. These red thighs are my gift de amour para tu (just to mix up three or four languages.)
Jay opens the show with the results from the previous night. We flash on the “war rooms” briefly, and he lets us know which team, season one or two, has one the first big cash pay out of 50k, split between all ten comics on that team. The team…*drum roll….fake suspense* ….with the most votes….*more fake suspense*…..is team……….TWO! They rejoice, and Corey sprays a can of beer backstage. Jay then taunts us with the fact that we won’t find out whose hineys are heading home until the very end of the show. Tease. *smack* And on with the comedy. Let’s roll, my babies. These summaries are getting tighter as I get sleepier.
Tere Joyce - she runs on stage, sans Coolio hair, and tells us a man on the bus tells her she doesn’t really look like a hooker. “No, I’m not a hooker, I give it up for free.” She has a martini glass she pulls saran wrap off of, and then jokes about having sex with her therapist who insists she make noises to release her emotional pain.
Jay London - his hair has gotten wider, and blocks part of the logo behind him. He gets the cheers and does the same kind of bits. Apologies, stammering, puns, and "am I bothering you?" A couple 'o puns: Today he videotaped his hair, tonight he’s looking at the highlights. He went to a pastry store and bought lady fingers, one was missing, when he went back, the manager was kind enough to give him the finger. Annnd the same Jay is done.
Rob Cantrell - he loves life, he’s in love, and his girlfriend loves doin’ it missionary style, which means they have to go door to door and profess that their way is the only way you can do it. He jokes about someone asking for comedy on demand and getting a swift kick in the nuts, which he enjoyed. He finishes with Vegas talk, and how people say money talks, but all it says to him is, “see ya, beyatch.”
Corey Holcomb - more Corey jokes about his ways with the ladies, and he brings up his conflict with Ant on the show, saying he has no problemos with Ant or other, openly gay peeps. It's the non-openly gay people who frighten him, i.e. a friend who came up to him and commented on his pretty feet while encouraging him to remain nekked in the locker room.
Dat Phan - hair spikey, a lightning bolt across his chest, he pops out and does average Dat fare. He talks about racism and does an impression of people doing an impression of the Vietnamese language, saying he doesn’t go around saying, “cars, trucks, planes”. Um yeah, that just doesn't translate to the written word well. He’s so happy to be Vietnamese on TV, because there has never been many, unless you count the image of John Kerry attacking Dat’s uncle.
Gary Gulman - he’s not a big fan of celery, and mimes celery calling up buffalo wings to thank them. He jokes that his favorite animal is the walrus, and God clearly built it last minute. Like he was up on the sixth day and thought, “crap, is this due tomorrow? Let’s take the seal, the elephant, and Burt Reynolds.” And finishes with jokes about Spiderman 2.
Geoff Brown - “Why does the guy at the drive through window act like the packets of ketchup come right out of his damn check?” He does an impression of the ketchup withholderer, and says he wants 58 packets to keep in his night stand, some to use for food from other restaurants. He jokes about old people, their cars, and the size of his manhood, saying that the onus on size has been too long on the man.
Kathleen Madigan - she jokes about George W’s speeches, saying she loves watching the two versions: cocky George, and super serious George where you know they took him in a little room and told him he needed to act like an adult. She jokes that he’s always saying, “in other words” about words that don’t usually need other words. I.e. “Osama Bin Laden’s still hidin’. In other words, playing peek-a-boo.” She finishes with puzzlement over his inexplicably thick accent when the rest of his family doesn’t have one.
Sean Kent - he overheard two girls in a club saying you could tell how a man makes love just by the way he dances, and says, “I apparently *bleep* like I’m retarded.” He jokes about Fox and their terrible shows, medical marijuana, and that when he watched CNN while high, he mistook our landing on the lunar surface for an attack on the moon.
Ant - he jokes about living in West Hollywood, where men are men, and so are some of the women. “If she’s got an apple, she’s got a banana, and some grapes and fake coconuts too.” Massive jokes about being gay, and lists all the signs the Boy Scout organization is gay: little patches on a sash when they do something good, short shorts with knee highs, etc. He finishes with insisting gay should be allowed in the military, because they’d frighten the homophobes on the other side. “Hiiii Osamaaaa! Somebody’s been using a thighmaster!”
Finally. We…are…almost…DONE! I *breathing in and out* can’t believe I finally made it!! We’re at the end of the show, and it’s time to finally find out which comics will go home. From season one…the comic to be eliminated is……..Corey Kahaney! She kisses all and takes off. Jay jokes (ha ha ha ha…eh…ahhh.) that he’s forced to pause as per NBC’s suspense-laden rules. He pauses. Okay. The season two elimination is………Jessica Kirson! And we…are…DONE! Woo hoo!! *throws confetti*
Next week: Eight comics will fight to the death again. One team will be 50 thousand richer, the other.....thrown into a hot lava pit. And these recaps will be more tricky, punchy, and filled ......with danger. Buwahahahaha! <---laughing inexplicably
Fantasizing about lunch again. firstname.lastname@example.org