We're into episode 14 and I am worn out. Worn!! Worn like I've gone through a big move, and my stupid-ass brother thought he could just drop his end of my couch while I was holding it. (Did this happen? Mmmm...*mutter, mutter*) Sometimes when you create something, you're filled with delight and goodness, a cheery warm glow from the inside, certain you could create something of value.....or at least something lacking shame. And then there are the times when you just feel like you've struggled and birthed some kind of large, ugly, alien-baby in a very V kind of way. This recap is my alien baby. It is ugly, I don’t feel good about it, and no matter how much praise it receives, I will still look at it and be frightened, wishing I had a smooth-skinned earthborn.
And I went over-term with this spikey beast. (Tip, when you're averaging 4 hours a night of sleep, never "just shut your eyes for a minute." You will wake up fully dressed in a brightly lit room, with drool on your shoulder, thinking your dream of hosing down Saddam Hussein with tropical punch in a K-mart is real.)
Tonight we're finally at the finals. FINALLY. And it's a jambalaya of a show. There is shrimp, chicken, fish, ham hocks…and laughter. A ha ha ha ha!! This show is ALL OVER the place. So I’ve decided to lay this out for you thusly: I’m not writing this chronologically, the way it happened. It is too much of a mish mashy nighmare. So I’m bringin’ it to ye in chunks. Ye shall be chunkified, fo shizzle. <-----(Just to mix up the old English and the new rap, ha!)
Hitler, Afro-boy, and Bendy Others
First up, is the worst of the worst. The segment of the show that is pointless without a live viewing. Trust me. If I could provide video footage...well I really wouldn't. So I will gloss. Like nail polish. Which is something I’ve said before. But I will use it again, and you will like it. (Or if not...then shhhhhh.)
First up we get introduced again to the talent scouts, Bob and Ross, who moaned their way across the country. I’m sure there’s a moan joke there. Feel free to insert one. We see mucho performers who are bendy, especially some tall skinny guy named Neil, who believes himself to be superfly and funkalicious, as he chooses to dance and demonstrate his bendy prowess with extreme glee. The glee that is only felt from double-jointedness. He is closely followed by many others who choose to be very dancy, and/or eat enormous crackers. We see a billion people all talking about their mixed ethnicity of half Mexican/Irish/Swedish/German/Russian/Yorkshire terrier (my joke). This does not amuse the big dudes.
Also irritating to the judges are Arnold impersonations and Michael Jackson jokes, and we see a montage of footage of said acts. (I will be using a lot of the word “montage” in this section. You must prepare yourself.) We also get more footage of men who rub their hideous man chests, and people who haven’t been able to master the mic stand.
Also available for our viewing pleasure is a man who wears a jockstrap on his face, this little Hitler man complete with lederhosen and mustache, and this freaky dude who cuts off his own afro to glue it to his face. I don't know if I'm more frightened by his creepy bulge-eyes, or by the fact that I just really, really, wanted to pat that afro. We finish with Bob and Ross asking someone to zip their fly. Zipper man does not make it through. Obviously. Neither does 'fro boy.
According to Jay and the Wonderful People at Netzero, Our Hearts Have Been Won!! Or so we have been instructed.
Another tasty treat for tonight's show is the reappearance of comics of yore! Of yesteryear! From early on in the show! I'm giddy with anticipation, hoping for a Dan Adhoot or another little nugget of comedy gold. Um...no. We do NOT receive such delights. Instead we get three comics who fall into the "okay" category, and the "why them?" category. Not like they stank up the house, but uh...mercy, was everyone else busy? Tonight Jay tells....er...instructs us that the following comics have "won their way" into our hearts. Really? Wait...how did they get in there? Did I have my back turned while I was making my latch-hook-rug portrait of Captain Picard, and *pop* they got in there? Hmmm. Prettty tricky. The heart winners are: Grandma Moses, Marina Franklin, and Jim Norton. Eh. I worked on Picard a bit during this time. Check below for a thinned version of the laughter.
Grandma Moses: she’s a hunchy little old lady with a Mo haircut (Jay Mohr alludes to the “Mo” she sports). She’s rough and ready, and definitely wants to come back next year. On stage, her bits are all about family and motherhood, and discusses kicking her kid’s asses. She thinks that the preferred punishment of the day is “time out”. She says she prefers her version: “sudden death”. She says her grandkids watch too much TV, and once served her coffee with army men in it saying, “the best part of wakin’ up is soldiers in your cup.”
Marina comes back next. Eh. She talks about how her name is not a good African name. Her sister’s name is Naiella, which means, "one who succeeds", her’s is Marina, which means, "a place where you dock boats". She makes merry about her kidhood in the Chicago burbs, and complains about long-winded preachers. She demonstrates the pointlessness of one particular preacher's gospel, “I woke up this morning…hmmmmmm….then I took a step..hmmmmmm…then I said….I took another step…hmmmm.” Her grandma used to heckle, “go somewhere, damnit.””
The last comic back from the dead is Jim Norton, our little Don Rickles look-alike. He says whenever he’s ill, he goes to his friends and asks them exactly what’s wrong with him, as if they can diagnose it. Which proves to him the exact kind of idiots he hangs around with. He was describing a huge ring around his chest, and his friend asks, “did it get smaller than larger than smaller and then darker?” According to Jim...yes. His friend tells him, “That’s either hepatitis or an allergy to detergent.” He’s hopin’ for the detergent. He also exclaims about some woman’s hideously bad breath, and how he’ll tolerate all kinds of things in order to get laid. He finishes with bits about his attempts to stare women down with a come-hither look, that turns into a bulgy-eyed, rapist look, licking his lips in an uncomfortable way and mouths the words, "you’re dead.”
*Gasp* THE GNOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The porn castle. The Scooby Doo mansion. The land of genies and gnomes and all things that are wrong with interior design. This is where we stop for a tour of the unseen house footage, where we enjoy impressions, self-hate, and The Return Of The Gnome™ (Lucas Films 2006).
First on tap is Friar's roast footage and some okay jokes we missed. Jay kids the old peeps about their lack of hearing and John Heffron says he's so nervous he would crap himself, but took a gander at the crowd and realized he wouldn't be the only one. Jay picks on John Heffron for doing Seinfeld comedy, and Tammy slams Gary's nose. *End scene*
Jay London likes to burn things. Or so we see when we get a special looksee into his world in the house. He likes to clean his aura with the burning of the burned things, and read little tarot-like Indian cards with inspiratoinal animals on them. (Is the chipmunk in that deck? I would LOVE to know what he has to say.) Jay also shows us his special notebook, filled with very Nicholson like "Shining" scribbles. If there’s one word to describe Jay, Bonnie says it’s well-hung. That’s two words, but man did I laugh with the surprise answer. Score one for Bonnie! We finish with Jay (Mohr) squeezed up to Jay (London) in the audience, telling us that if we’re really quiet and really slow, Jay London will let you pet him. I've actually already pictured it, complete with arfs and milkbone biscuits (for shiny teeth).
We're also treated to impressions of everybody "doing" everybody else. Non-sexually. The impressions? Hilarious. Trust me. Check it out here. Buwahahaha! No link yet again! It’s the joke that keeps on giving (to me). Todd does an amazing imitation of Jim Wiggins, the vadar-voiced mini-Santa who walked with a cane. Everyone imitates Jay London by repeating “thank you” over and over again. All imitate Ant, and Todd does an absolutely hilarious impression of Corey with fake teeth and a beret. You'd have to see it to truly enjoy it. I can act it out for you, but then you're there, and I'm here. So I guess not.
The comics apparently went nutso in the house. Apparently they’re locked up with no phone..NO LIGHTS…*singing* not a motorcar…not a single lu-xur-yyyyy…like Robinson Crusoe… Okay, I’m done. Everyone says it’s nuts staying in a house this long with no outlet for fun. Alonzo refers to it as “the compound” and says they’re not getting released from it any time in the near future. Todd and Gary make up dreams about running away from the house. Todd says, “what if you took off your mic, ran through the hills, and they shot you in the back of the head.” In hilarious footage, Gary ends up doing just that (except for the head shot thing.)
The comics talk about what annoys them about each other. Ant can’t stand that Corey stayed up all night, others are frightened by John Heffron’s marshall art’s thing, and we see footage of him beating the crap out of a dummy supplied by the show. John can’t stand the way people like Jay chew with their mouth open, “he had a piece of grisle in his mouth, and he set it down in front of him, I couldn’t eat another thing.” Gary says he can’t stand Ant’s maniacal little laugh and we hear it ring throughout the porn compound.
But..the biggest….pet peeve of them all is….*drum roll*....Ant’s Scooby Doo joke! And all houseguests repeat it: “So how many people recognize the accent? San Francisco. You didn’t need Scooby Doo to fiture out THIS mystery.” Todd says he’s haunted by the joke and has heard it in his sleep. We end with footage of Jay Mohr snuggling up to Ant in the audience and Ant telling everyone they shouldn’t pretend to be gay in the house . They fake like lovers and we move on with the show.
Is there romance in the porn castle? Not a whole lot, although there does seem to be a lot o’ sizing up of the Jay man all while we get slo mo footage of him undressing in a very, come-hither way, slowly easing a strap of his overalls down his meaty shoulder. Okay not really. But there is footage of Jay undressing. Todd tells us he's made out with Jay in the jacuzzi. Why? Because Jay's hair is just so dang soft, he needed to run his fingers through it. Jay has a crush on Tammy, Kathleen has a crush on the dog…um…yeah…and Gary says he has a “man crush” on Todd Glass. *gasp* No way! Way. Gary says Todd brings him great joy, and soon we see them squeezing each other and rocking back and forth in a hammock, Gary tightly entwined in Todd's embrace. Okay not really, I tossed that in there. But I'm sure Gary thought about it.
But the biggest crush news is Tammy. She's in love....with the gnome!! Tammy has a crush on the gnome! Tammyhasacrushonthegnome! She dances with him and I covet the experience. I'm just so happy he's well. I hope he had a good time. *sniff*
And lastly, did the comics learn anything about themselves while in the house? Ant thinks he looks fat, and Kathleen thinks she should never sit next to Tammy in a pool, as she looks day-glow white. John says he has chicken legs,looking as if they’ve just been released from casts, (ha!), and Todd says he looks like a dead ape when he awakes from naps. The only one not insecure about his appearance is Corey, who thinks he was sexy hot.
*It's the Final Coooounntdowwwwnn...ohhhhhh* and Other Rockin' Songs by Europe
*sigh* We have finally made it through hour one! God bless your little, dedicated hearts for reading this far. If you want to gloss and patronize me and pretend to have read this all, please do. I will never know. And thank you. The rest of this is allll straight man (kind of like the above, *sigh*), because the comedy's built right into this show...and I am sleepy. Really, really, sleepy.
Jay opens the comedy hour with his own little brand of humor again. He talks about algebra, and how it sounds like a white trash kid's name. "Algebra! And bring in your sister, Parallelegram!" He hates algebra because you're adding letters together. What's two A plus two B? ABBA, according to a small, smart allecky Jay. More jokes about schooling and getting in trouble, and how woodshop is a useless class for an easy A. Apparently everyone had elaborate plans, "you're fifteen and they put you in a room with wood and tools and you think you're MacGuyver. Yeah, man, I'm makin' a Nautalis machine with a lawnmower engine, and I'm gonna drive it to school!" But what did he end up making? A cutting board....that he bought. It had a checkerboard on the other side, and they think he's a genius. More jokes about schooling, dodgeball, and how he drove his teacher's to drink. Annnd we're done!
Huskies Like To Watch You Get...it...On
Performing first tonight is Alonzo, who says he's been doin' this a looong time, and wants America to know who he is. He used to be an unemployed airline mechanic, and figured he could easily be an unemployed comic. He's always pictured himself making it to the next round and the next round and the next round, and is as pleased as punch he's made it this far after being a recovering addict. When he made it to the finals, all could hear him exhale five rows back. Let's hope he downed some Altoids.
Alonzo's act: He jokes about the dating world, and talks about a girlfriend who had an enormous husky who used to watch them have sex. "Ever try to have sexy with a 90 pound husky watchin'? That's pressure, because you do not want her to scream. And if she gets on all fours, the dog knows what she's doing." He says hanging out with women does not help you meet other women. He thinks if the ladies aren't helping him get laid, then one of them had better take one for the team. He says shopping with women is hard because all women's stores have "the chair", and all men have done time in "the chair". If you sit down, you're afraid to move. "I left the chair one time and it cost me 500 dollars!" The only thing worse than the chair is holding the purse, which makes every man look lame. And the only way to prevent that? The second it's in your hands: open it up and start digging through it! He finishes with jokes about underwear, Victoria's secret, and how men's only rule for their undies is to never wear flannel with cordoroy, "you might burn somethin' off!"
The Tasty Chew of a Fig
Gary's up next, and tells us that LCS is the biggest thing that's happened to his career...EVER. Alonzo extols the virtues of Gary's subtle intelligence, and Gary tells us his strategy in the show was to act with dignity so that he could go back to his peeps with his head held high. NBC chooses this moment to show footage of Gary thrusting his man meat at the Focus Group after they say they dislike him.
Gary's act: He starts off talking about how he was born when his dad was 50, and "that's biblical". He says it was odd going to the movies and both getting discounts, "One child and Noah." When he was wee, he had a grade school assignment to ask pops who the president was when he was Gary's age, and what the price of bread was. "The President was Julius Caesar and the price of bread was a chicken." Suddenly Gary takes a spin from the ordinary and does...jokes about cookies! I still find them merry. He discusses the Fig Newton and how crafty it was for the company to dedicate their whole product line to the fig. "I have never seen one outside of a Newton in my life! A fig could walk down that aisle and I wouldn't notice it, 'I didn't recognize you without your cookie coating." More jokes about fig headquarters and the brainstorming to smash down anything and jam it between newton dough. He finishes with jokes about the Olympics, and his preference for the Summer events. One reason is due to the falls in ice-skating, and how you're at the lowest point of your life, yet you're expected to get up and keep on dancin'. He says they interview the women with the most inane questions, "why do you think you fell?" The skater: "To be honest, it was really slippery. It's like a sheet of ice out there!" Also lame interview questions: the boxer who's just been beaten in front of his own kids, and asked, "what were you thinking?" The boxer: "I think I was thinking, stop punching me in the face." And the giant is done! Finito!
Clutter-Blindness and Advice from the Future
John Heffron is the last comic, and tells us when he made it through, he was freakin' out in his head, but subdued on the outside. We get footage of him crying over Bonnie, and mucho time of him getting pushed aside at the laundromat. Gary says that John's jokes have tons of energy, and John says his strategy was just to get to the top half of any given cut, i.e. top five of the ten, top three of the six, etc. etc.
John's act: He talks about how he's been married only a week but how his wife is a professional arguer. He doesn't know where she went to learn, but she's dang good. She'll ask a question and then answer it for him. "Hey ladies, if guys don't need to be there, please have it on your way home from work." He then dishes the younger folks some advice from the future. He talks about having a half hour conversation about the correct way to close a cereal box, apparently the fist in the box methd he's been using ain't cutting it. And when a woman puts stuff on the first step leading upstairs, apparently whatever is ON that step is meant to upstairs! Who knew! The entire time he'd been stepping over them. More jokes about man clutter, and says that he needed to have his eyes check because he is clutter blind. Apparently this is the case for all men, as they just don't see it the way women do. And his life has changed dramatically once he got married. He used to wake up on his day of and think, "cool, I have nothing to do today." But those days...be gone. Now his shift manager (wife) shows up right off the bat, and tells him they're putting a closet organizer together, move the garage from the left side of the house to the right, and moving the trees from the backyard to the front. He finishes with jokes about never seeing strippers with glitter, and longing for the days of watching 1987 ESPN stuff and eating chips on his chest. Annnd he's done! Rie, his wife, laughs and claps from the audience.
Up next: The finale! Finally! All perform with special appearances by Ralphie May and Dat Phan. And I will finally sleep again!
Sleep deprived and sore from alien birthing. firstname.lastname@example.org