I hate extended-dance-club mixes. Of songs. Hate. Them. Nothing sucks more than hearing the first beat of your favorite song on the radio, only to hear a sudden twang where there never was a twang, (Fur: where there was no fur before <---Simpsons) or hear the voice stu-stu-stu-stu-stutter out the lyrics, or blended with another song...especially when it's not even a pop/rap/r&b song. "Pah-pah-pah-pah-pooour some sugar on meeeee...in the na-na-na-name..check it out now..funk so proper, check it out now...funk soooo.....sticky sweet..." Anyhow, I hate it when things that don't need stretching get all stretchified. Like this show. This show..should have ended...like...last week. *sigh* Yet it goes on...and on...and on. Shall we find out what happened? Wait..where are you going? *watches room empty* Anyhow, I'm gonna rifle. Yes I am. Prepare yourselves....this is fast and semi-crappalicious.
Jay opens this unnecessarily stupid hour-long show by calling this the “final three winner’s special,” and that title completely reminds me of: “Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show.” <---A Simpson’s episode in Japan. Ahh..will there be smiles? Could be. Will there be magical wishes granted ala the magic of a leprechaun? Of course not, and why did I even ask? Punchiness, and because I want one: anything to differentiate this show from the multiples identical to it.
Jay pops out talking about how yada yada our top three comics will be revealed, and then does some weird jokes about the Brady Bunch, naked pirates, and a dream he had. I didn’t write it down, so you’ll just have to put your own spin on what it might contain. He then launches into a slew of jokes about dreams, one being the falling dream, where you fall and fall and fall until you land on Clay Aiken’s back and everyone applauds. At this exact moment, they pan the audience to…Buck Star! The Buckster! He’s still wearing his knit cap…indoors, so the white homes is still keepin’ it real, yo. Jay says Clay looks like Melissa Ethridge, and calls him a 24-year-old guy who looks like a lesbian. All I can say is....poor lesbian. He then talks about the dream everyone has, where you go to a party naked, you see Paris Hilton there, she’s dressed and you’re naked, yet you still look like less of a whore than she does. Ha! He then talks about having scary dreams, that upon the retelling, sound completely unscary and stupid. “Oh my God! Oh my God! We were looking for your shoes…and…Oh my God we couldn’t find them.”
He brings the final six on stage, all applaud and the comics seem to be in their “street clothes”, i.e. leather jackets and little chains just like the Fonz. Except for Jay, who has gone all Potsie and sports a plaid shirt, as if he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass. Grunge…is…back. Actually he looks fine, but whatever. I note that Gary’s hair is particularly curly and almost…greasy. Not in a bad way, but more in a super-hair-gel way. This is not important information, but I bring it to you. I bring it…all.
Tonight, the comics will be split into groups of two. One person from each group has made it to the final three, the other person will be sent home for…....*dun..dun...dunnn...*. ...life…life…life. <-----(echo that’s not really there.) Tonight the comics will perform in little twosomes, after which the loser of the twoseome will be exposed and chased out of the building with high-powered fire hoses.
Ho Ho Ho…Greeeeen Giant
The first group of two contains……….Gary Gulman, who sports an “I heart Todd” t-shirt. Will Todd propose ala Mariano? No. But wouldn’t that be cool? Actually, I think it would kick ass. The second person in his twosome is……..Tammy Pescatelli! Sweet! Go Gary, Go Gary, Go Gary!! <----I pump my Arsenio fist in the air. Both must perform before one of their dreams goes Humpty Dumpty, and all the kings horses and all the kings men can’t put it back together again.
Gary’s up first: He jokes about the “new” technology from the post office: self-adhesive stamps. He wants to know what took so long, i.e. we had space shuttles before we had the postage stamp. He jokes that the post office was sitting on the technology because we weren’t ready for it and says, "oh yeah, mazeltoff….way to invent…the sticker." He’s pretty sure we’ve had stickers for awhile, and notes how every banana he’s ever eaten has had a sticker. He taunts the P.O. for letting chaquita sprint past them, technology-wise. He talks about a prison documentary he watched, where he learned that wearing your pants low on your hips signifies you’ve got a boyfriend. He thought it was really cute, and he also thought if he went to prison, if he were single, “I mean, at first, because I’m gonna meet someone, because I’m a good listener.” He say he would want to wear his pants low, as it’s more stylish now, but thinks his cellmate would razz him and ask him why he never sees this boyfriend. He says he’s just play it off with, “Oh, you don’t know him, he goes to another prison.” And the giant is done!
Tammy: wearing another tube top, and gets her own disco music again. And damn I really, really, like her shoes! Ohhh!! *makes mental note to immediately hunt for tan heels* She talks about how she’s done the whole USO thing, but didn’t much enjoy the whole getting sent to Iraq part. She asked, “don’t we have any troops in Maui?” She complains about the 130 degree heat there, and then does a very "Good Morning Vietnam" bit about the weatherman repeating, “It’s hot” every day. The first time she went, Saddam was still uncaptured. The reward being 15 mil, she was like Sacagawea with mapquest. She thought she saw him once with the long mustache etc., but it turned out to be a woman. She immediately launches into jokes about Italian women and facial hair, and says that in her high school, the person with the least was immediately voted Homecoming Queen. She talks about watching muslims pray to mecca every day and says, “I don’t know anything about prayer, I’m Catholic I pay a guy every day to do it for me.” She finishes about how it’s good to be Catholic nowadays, because it seems as if everything is being graded on a curve now. I.e. if you don’t mess with “pee pees”, you ain't going to hell. She thinks if the pope could stand, he’d stab those priests with his hat, and ends with, “You know how to spot Catholics? Go to a Star Wars movie. Whenever they say, “may the force be with you,” all the Catholics will stand up and say, “and also with you.” "
Now…it…is time…to pump YOU up! Believe me now and hear me later……….Okay, it is time to announce the winner of this little twosome. Who will it be? Who will be praised? Who will be shunned? With a pulsating beat and swirling lights overhead, Jay comments on the music, “I have this on my headset when I run." Ha! I laugh! Iif you could only hear the music, it would be so much funnier. Listen here. Ha! No link. I'm just playin'. Okay, so let’s cut to the chase…the person moving on..is…Gary Gulman!! Everyone claps while they pan to his friends in the audience, one who looks remarkably like Orlando Bloom. Tammy looks sad, and Ant is in the audience, clapping furiously for her.
Tammy gets an American Idol good-bye clip: She says her goal has always been to be smart and funny, Corey says she has sex appeal, and Alonzo says she’s a Jersey chick that could easily be on the Soprano’s. And we finish with the knowledge that she had a great time whether she wins or not.
I’d Prefer to Keep my Lizard Face ON…thank you
The next group of two is going to be………John Heffron and Kathleen Madigan! Ooo…close call, this match up does NOT tell me who will win. Kathleen immediately looks slightly sad, though, as if she can "feel” what’s coming up, with her wiley woman’s intuition. Before they perform, Jay tells us that next Tuesday will be a two hour show. What the hell? Seriously…what…the…hell? A two hour show, for THREE comics? Seriously…what…the freakin’..hell. Ahh nuts.
John Heffron: He comes out saying he has so many nerves that night that it reminds him of exam time in college. He never really minded physically taking exams, he just hated the ten minutes prior, where everyone’s standing in the hall talking about crap he never heard before, “what class were YOU in?” He talks about a job application that asked for grammar school info., and wonders why the heck that’s necessary. “You mean I can't get a job because my third grade teacher didn't think I took my snowmobile suit off fast enough?” He talks about having an employer apologize to him for not being able to hire him, and finding out the reason: “Because you’re third grade teacher says you took off your boots like..this..” John demonstrates by kicking his imaginary boots into the distance violently, and it’s really hilarious. Trust me! Just look at the video here. Ha! Fake link again. I’m sorry. Anyhow, John talks about the big long wet sock on your foot and taunts the warm weather folk for not getting that joke. We in the cold country laugh merrily and I say, "I forgot about that!” Yes, because again, I am all about the TV interaction. He finishes his set with talk of little kid capes made from dish towels, and how uncool it is to have a little embroidered duck on the back of his, and how his brother is Mr. “God Bless the Kitchen” Guy.
Kathleen: She was in Phoenix recently, and being a Midwesterner, doesn’t get the whole, “isn’t the desert beautiful” thing. She says, “maybe when they finish it.” She said it was actually too hot to land the plane, and she’d never even heard of it before, until the pilots said they’d have to fly around until the fire department hosed down the runway so the tires wouldn’t explode. She maintains that if it’s too hot to land the plane, then she’s not getting off the plane. She doesn’t know what kind of freak lizard people live there, but she doesn’t want to be in the bathroom with them when they peel off their faces. She talks about Texas accents, and how you could never picture hell being run by a southern woman with that accent: “Hiiii…welcum to hayall, I’m gonna set you on faar in a minute, but first I’m gunna bake you ah pie.” She attributes the south's loss of the Civil War to the slow speech, because war is a snappy event, and the drawl ain’t fast enough to call in troops before they themselves get axed. She finishes with a bit about celebrities with DUI’s, and doesn’t understand how Diana Ross didn’t just get a cab with her multi-millions. “Actually, she could afford to hire the Buddweiser Clydesdales.”
And…the comic going to the finals with Gary is…………..John Heffron!!! They both clap enthusiastically, hug, and Kathleen looks teary-eyed. In her farewell clip she says she doesn’t want to sound like she’s been through five thousand twelve step programs, but thinks whoever wins is supposed to win. Alonzo says he has huge respect for Kathleen as a comic, that she’s been doing it a long time and she’s been really good at it for a long time. Ant says Kathleen is his idol, Gary respects her, and Tammy says “there are no words.” (Anytime I hear that phrase, I picture Jodi Foster’s morphing head in “Contact”. Tammy’s head doesn’t morph. This time.) Kathleen finishes by saying she wants to spend the rest of her life in reality shows. We want that, too, Kathleen, we want that too.
Defensive Gymnastics and Sayonara, Mr. Loveable Fluff-man
It’s time for the final two! The final two! Thankfully. Unfortunately, I will have to be taking notes on Jay London here. (Back off Jay fans, YOU take the notes! YOU do it! Do it, do it do it do it! <---- *chanting with Nike-like intimidation*)
Jay London: *sigh* Ay yi yi yi. He hops right in with the thank yous. Yes he does. This time the audience twitters politely and does not roar in their normal way. So onto the one liners: People read him but they don’t subscribe. He have math down to a science, go figure. He has no problem changing over to the metric system, he always knew the difference between a gram and a kilo. Ha! Everybody laughs and he says, “oh so that’s what you want to hear?” Yet he does no more drug jokes, instead he says he went into a dark room today, he developed a rash. More one liners about psoriasis, working at home, and auditions for a PBS show, where he had the once in a lifetime opportunity to play Death. Fourteen people were hired to play clouds, and 12 showed up. Right away it was overcast. Annnnd DONE!! *scribbles on last page of manuscript and tosses it into the wind, watching it fly with intense urge to say, “Sit Ubu, Sit.”* <---will be highly impressed if anyone gets that. It’s more for me.
Alonzo: He’s a huge sports fan, but the only sport he doesn’t like is hockey, because the only black thing in the game is the puck, and a bunch of white men are always trying to hit it with a stick. “Now, golf, on the other hand…There’s a reason Tiger hits the ball that far.” He said he didn’t understand NASCAR until he met their fans, but as soon as you do you can see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. He says he can make fun of the fans, because if they chase him…he’ll just turn right. Then he does bits about gymnastics and how no one ever knows what’s going on. He demonstrates the error in a gymnasts bounce, and really, I can't describe it, you’d have to see it here. If you clicked on it that time, you’re not following my chicanery, are you? Anyhow, he says, "all I know is, if you bounce when you land...you lose," and he bounces hilariously. He finishes by telling us gymnastics can be fun by adding defense. “The next time we see a guy swinging on the bars, we need to see another big guy trying to snatch him down. On the vault, when they run and jump, have some guy move it. Then I can place a bet.”
Jay teases us with a quickie commercial break in a very AI way, just to add the non-suspense. Some more blah blahs and then he reveals……………… Alonzo goes to the finals!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!! I can’t hide my glee. The glee.....is free range.
Jay looks very chagrinned but proud. Proudly disappointed, disappointedly proud. I feel for the little fella, and I can’t hate on him, but I’m ready....... ready to see his final clip. In said clip, he says he doesn’t call himself the Rocky of Comedy..but you know...it has kind of been like that, so I guess he really IS calling himself the Rocky of Comedy. Todd says Jay might be the real deal, and on stage, Jay departs by thanking America and calling it, "the greatest country in the world”.
Alonzo looks intensely pleased while Jay points out Alonzo's father, the judge, who is weeping tears of joy for his son. Very touching.
Next week: A two hour show on three comics. *sigh* But…good news, apparently there will be guests. I have a weird, weird, weird, feeling I’m about to see Dat Phan again. I mean, other than on my Dat Phan pillowcase.
It pays to Discover<---can I get paid for that? email@example.com