Recap 7/29: Cave Man Gets a Bone
Raise your hands if you like filler!! Who wants more bread crumbs in their meat loaf? More “unnn…ugh…mmmmmnnnns” in their Ludacris raps? More armadillo lip in their hot dog? (Do armadillo’s have lips? Only other, really sexed-up armadillos know for sure.) Tonight’s show is almost exclusively armadillo lip. A.L. all the way! And this crap recap is about filling in the gaps (in a really, minor, sadly pathetic way) between all the lameness that created this should-have-been-a-ten-minute show. I will plow through this with speed and (not much) agility, pole vaulting over the obvious, and summarizing the rest. So man, this recap is gonna be…really, really…..zesty!! Okay, not really. I apologize now. The show, the recap….all……..[sarcasm]amazing[/sarcasm]. And sadly, this is not a ploy to lull you into a false sense of lowered expectations, before smacking you silly with my gold stick of comedy. It's real!! It's true!! The show..and this recap.....bleah!! I ain't gonna lie! It was painful. *sniff* Hold me!! *grabs entire FORT populace in enormous, weepy hug* Let us begin!
Jay suddenly materializes on stage with the sound of a popping cork, and blinks a few times before realizing where he is: The Alex theater, in the city that the Alex theater is in. He immediately tells us what we already know: people voted, and tonight we’ll reveal the lucky dude who’ll make it as the LCS2 Wild Card choice (I say dude, because we all know it won’t be Bonnie at this point.)
He immediately launches into some less fresh Jay material and makes us…….smile. There is a ton of A.L. here about what it must be like to be a Wild Card hopeful. He jokes about how the hopefuls have lost before, but now they’re thinking maybe, just maybe, America will be on their side. It’s like being Martha Stewart, except that maybe, just maybe America is on their side. He says he hopes she loses so she can get some community service and create the cleanest stretch of highway imaginable. There’d be doilies soakin’ up the oil, potpourri in the restrooms, and succulent road kill every few miles. He jokes about her potential show, “Hi, I’m Martha Stewart, join me tomorrow when I turn an orange jumpsuit into an orange blanket. And then I’m going to shoot somebody in the weight yard with a toothbrush.” I laugh, because “weight yard” makes me merry. I don’t know why. More jokes about how women remember everything, jokes about Arsenio Hall, and plenty of other filler. <----This is where I cut off the constant recapping of jokes line by line.
Enough about me…what do YOU think about me?
Jay provides us with more filler ala asking for applause for the five Wild Card hopefuls. *clap…clap…slows to stop* Yeah. Let’s get this show pony on the road, Jay!! Jay refuses, as we’ve got an entire, unnecessary HOUR (52 minutes in TV land) to kill. And kill it, we will. Oh yes, we will kill it dead. Along with our attention spans. My mind starts to wander, and I start to eyeball my unfinished, 8th grade pot holder with that "I need something to do while I pretend to watch this" attitude. I now have four. And I don't even cook.
Jay brings all the hopefuls on stage and tells us right then and there that they’re all going to perform again. Awww nuts. I was hoping for outtakes, unseen footage, perhaps a behind-the-scenes look at how things are made. But nope. Not tonight. And I’m telling you right now: I’m bitter. Not a dang gnome shot in the whole freakin’ show. Viva…la…gnome. <-----comes out weaker, and more hopeless and pitiful.
But, before we head into the land of repeat comedy, the five who’ve already made it through are up to talk about how awesomely awesome the Wild Cards are, and how awesomely awesome they all perform on a consistent, awesome, basis.
John says they were awesome.
Tammy says they all brought their A game to the table.
Alonzo says that Corey was great, but he doesn’t know if the audience got him.
Gary thought Corey’s set was outstanding, and while I look at him, I can’t get over how much he looks like Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. Which is apropos of nothing, just like this entire show.
Tammy thought Bonnie had an amazing set, and she looked beautiful, while Alonzo tells us it’s the best he’s ever seen her. Kathleen loves Bonnie’s joke about meeting people, i.e. “you know when people go, 'pleasure to meet you?' I want to go, 'give it a minute.' "
Yada yada: Tammy says Jay London is incredibly loved, while Kathleen says she loves the way he brings his coat out like he could leave at any moment. John, however, thinks that Ant had the set of the night, and Alonzo backs it up by calling Ant’s set really burrito tight and strong-like-bull, giving him a good chance of winning it all.
Up next, Gary weirds me out. When the comics talk of the miraculousness of Todd Glass, we flash on Gary, who’s hunched over, embarrassed and giggly looking, and smiling like a simple, simple man. A simple and strange man who’s about to say something obscure, like, “I think I ate a giant, red, candle.” <--- -If you’ve seen “Anchorman”, you will understand this. If not…go! Or not. Whatever. But Gary looks weird. Wayyyy weird.
Kathleen apparently chortled at everything Todd uttered, and Gary/Quasimodo says of his master, “He was really terrific." He then pops a cricket into his mouth.
Finally, on to the important question: who do “the chosen” feel should join them in their reindeer games? Disguising their true feelings with vague, “we love everybody” answers, Alonzo says it’s impossible to pick, but gives it to Todd, Ant, or Jay. Tammy feigns indecision, John pegs Ant, and normally-normal Gary weirdly utters, "Todd Glass," in a way that makes me wonder if he'll guffaw, hold himself, and pee down his leg. He doesn't. Or maybe he does, but they edited it out. Thank you.
The Creamy Twinkie Center
Up next it’s time for the Wild Card folks to perform again, hopefully with new, interesting, and tasty material. Will it be good? Four out of five dentists say…maybe.
Jay introduces Corey as the most eligible husband, and he pops out on stage, displaying an un-hatted head for the very first time. It is nice, it is round, and has no abnormal dents or dings.
On stage: He talks about the change in the dating game, and if you're out there, dudes, you need a camera phone to prove things were consensual. He apparently has a video recorder hidden in the eyeball of a teddy bear so he can film evidence for future court dates. According to him, he’d proudly bring the tape to court and mimes himself watching the fictitious footage, “notice my toes curling right here? I would like to file a countersuit, can she be forced to do this again?” He finishes with a bit about bringing a new date home, who inevitably hears an answering machine message from an angry ex. His date wants to know what’s wrong with the girl, and he finishes with, “the same thing that’s gonna be wrong with you.” Aww..SUCH a sweetie pie.
Bonnie’s up next, with her shiny, shiny hair and her Patridge family green shirt. She does the bit again about rewarding crack addicts who ask for money directly, and mows right past the unlaughing audience with shaky hands. She talks about being messed up by being raised in a mixed-religion household. One parent was an atheist, the other an agnostic, and they constantly fought, “There is no God!” “There might be.” She then talks about how some man came up to her in the street and asked her if she loved Jesus. Her answer? “Yes…as a friend.” She repeats her dated-a-hypnotist joke, and how she loved cleaning his house naked whilst acting like a chicken. She finishes with her bit about having a hard time breaking up with men who don’t get the message, “it’s not your baby.” Her apartment has no room for a baby, and she’d have to put the bong in the bathroom. The audience laughs politely and she bounds off stage.
Jay London’s delivers a billion one liners again, of which I will only include a few: he was very lonely driving there, so he hugged the road. He took a crash course in defensive driving. He saw a sign on the highway that said “left lane closed” so he went somewhere else, he saw another sign that said, “no outlet” so he decided to scream. He tried to quit smoking, and put the eye patch over his eye. He went out with a weathergirl, they talked up a storm. What do you think of sex in the 90’s? It’s too hot. Annnd cut.
It’s Ant’s turn again, and he immediately launches into a bit about moving to China, for the ten-percent-of-a-billion hot action. The gays there could start their own empire called, “the Hung Dynasty.” More jokes about gays having their own military, and switching their tag line from "Don't ask, Don't tell," to "don't leave out any details, beyatch." Up next, an enormous curse-fest from Ant that I can't make out, no matter how much I rewind. He says he can’t date asian men because he tried it once, and every time he’s asked for “bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeep,” the guy brought fried rice. He finishes with his been-done drive through joke where he uses a fake, "straight man" Barry White voice to confront a taunting fellow drive-through individual, before running back to his own car with fits of high-pitched, giggly glee.
Annnd finally. We’re near the end!! We really, really, are!! Todd Glass finishes us off, but not in a mafia way, and pops out with, “how many people like candy?” It’s incredibly obscure, and he tells us he figured he had two and a half minutes to kill, and that would eat up a bunch of seconds. He talks about internet chat rooms in general and mimes someone typing, “I thought the opening joke was stupid, I hope he loses.” He asks us if we’ve ever gotten on the scale and sucked in our guts? He says kind people are rewarded in the world, so he likes to go up to people in the mall, punch them in the head and say, “what did you do to deserve that?” He was recently in Florida on an airboat ride behind a man with super-strength B.O., and says there's nothing like having B.O. blown your way, 100 miles an hour. He finishes miming the internet people by saying, “I know those airboats travel at 80 miles an hour and NOT 100 miles an hour.” He finishes with an inexplicable joke about a woman breathing her taco breath on him, asking him how it smells, and comparing it to cat poo. As Todd exits the stage, the camera pans the audience and stops on Todd’s “friends”: two seats filled with giant posters with stick figures on them. Ha! I chortle.
The Only Ten Minutes that Mean ANYTHING
It is finally time to start the only part of the show that matters. The part of the show that could have easily been the first ten minutes of next Tuesday's show. Jay asks for applause for all the performers that night. Awww. Okay. Done. And now, the first person to return to their sad little, unfilmed life is……….Bonnie McFarland! No one looks surprised, least of all Bonnie, and as she walks over to be praised and sent packing by Jay, we see footage of her time on the show. Bonnie on Bonnie: “I’m pretty awesome. I’m the funniest woman in the entire universe, and I once laid a golden egg.” In actuality, she mentions how smart and shocking her comedy is, how its’ a challenge, and how hard it is for people to get behind. Todd tells us it helps to think of Bonnie as a man, *flash footage of her uttering the infamous bleeped word* and THEN she’s funny. Aha! Does the gender switch really help? No. But Bonnie doesn’t think she needs it, as she finishes by telling us she’s one of the funniest people in the house, and can’t help that no one else feels that way. She does, and that’s all that matters. So nyeah.
We go to a quick commercial before coming back, and Jay utters my favorite line of the night: “Let’s not waste any more time………*pause* ……except for the Reality TV show time-wasting I have to do for drama.” The drama, it is felt. By someone, somewhere, I’m sure.
The third runner up, and the winner of…….well nothing really…….is……….Corey Holcomb! Corey immediately looks like he’s been punched in the gut with a pain hammer. Are there any other kind? Are there pleasure hammers? Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. He’s displeased, and he mopes over to Jay where we see footage of Corey discussing how cool it was to have his mom see him on NBC. We see his win at the laundromat, and he tells us how much sexier he thinks he is now that he's seen himself on TV. More roast footage, aspen footage, and a final shout out to LCS as a blessing, complete with peace sign.
The second runner up is………..*undramatic pausing with cameras flashing over the faces of all the remaining hopefuls who all look ready to either vomit or collapse*……..the second runner up is….Ant! All boo while Ant unhappily hops over to Jay and thanks the audience for giving him the greatest time. Jay emphasizes the audience's love by telling the peeps to see him in a club, pointing out the supportive boos to Ant, and cueing footage of Ant’s time on the show. He talks about how he didn’t want to be the Susan Lucci of the show, and how having his father see him perform and tell him he's proud was the highlight of the entire experience. He learned he had a lot of strength, that he can play ball with the best of ‘em, and that he a year from now, he’ll be remembered, but the winner of the contest? Whisked into obscurity. The audience gives him a semi-standing ovation as he smokes his way off stage, literally.
And now…it is time to announce the winner. Who will it be? Oh who? Will it be Todd? Zany, crazy, jittery Todd? Or Jay London? Fluffy, pet-like, quiet Jay? The final five assemble on stage while Jay Mohr explains the stupid, unnecessarily long set-up of the following weeks: next week, the six will perform, and three will be chosen to move on. The following week, the final three perform, where one winner will be crowned.
And now…the winner….of the Wild Card competition…….is………..Jay London???????? Jay London? What? Yes. He looks all pleased and tickled while Jay Mohr makes us stop and acknowledge Todd’s greatness. Todd says it was a heap ‘o fun, and says he really wanted to win, and suddenly falls on stage in a fake collapse of anguish. We see footage of his time on the show, singing the attention song and telling us that LCS has been the bestest thing in the entire world! Bonnie says his brain goes at high speed all the time, Tammy says he’s a comic savant, and Todd finishes with the joke, “I go out there and do the best job I can, if I lose, I lose. I just go home and punch my cat. There’s probably some moron out there who actually believes me, 'he shouldn’t punch his cat!' "
Jay London tells us he's tickled, and says it's fantastic that a little guy like himself (little on the inside, according to him) was appreciated enough to win.
In Summary: No gnome footage. And one, lone tear slides down my cheek ala the crying Indian in the 70's pollution commercials. *sniff*
Next week: Two more episodes, one comedy, one filler, and we find out who the final three are!!
They just can’t all be winners. Feel free to pat my head here: email@example.com