Okay, my little chi chis. Today, you will be known as such. Why? I don’t know. I’m in a goofy mood, and I’m firing this thing out faster than some-kind-of-funny-analogy-that-you-could-insert-here. <----See? It’s fun. Like a game. Like you’re a PART of this recap. BE the recap. FEEL the recap. Know it, love it, give it a pet name. Maybe Arnold, or Fuzzy, or Little Mr. Peeper Pepper. But today, I’m the straight woman and you are the ha ha people. Enjoy!! Let us get started!!
First up, John Heffron returns to the house in a very Apprentice way, i.e. with a little rolling suitcase and surprise of his arrival on the other side of the freaky Elvira castle doors. While there was no castle on the Apprentice, there was a self-named king. So…..samey? Kind of. I remember the last LCS vaguely, and remember that they actually watched the mano-a-mano combat. This year, they wait at home in jammies with pop-tarts nearby.
John enters the home. People are (not) surprised, and Todd Glass is the first to say so. John smiles sheepishly for about two seconds while the peeps shout in glee at his return, until he grabs the edge of the couch and tucks his weeping head into his hands. People want to know, what’s up? He bursts out with the fact that he took the brunt for the decision, and that it wasn’t right, Bonnie was so hurt, and from now on, he’s a lone wolf. None of this alliance crapola for his ass anymore. He knew he shouldn’t have voted the way he did, and alliances mean nothing to him now. The most schemey houseguests look on and pretend to support him, while internally shouting, “yay, an easy target!”
Reactions in the house vary, Gary teases John for crying, Tammy sits by the pool and says that things are quite lovely now, potentially because of the lack of Bonnieness in the house, and Todd Glass spends time in the kitchen doing an impromptu hilarious bit with kitchen knives, pretending to be a one-man infomercial, “In a minute, I’m going to show you knives that are going to change…your….life.” John and Gary eat cereal and giggle. Well they don’t giggle, or maybe they do, but definitely in a manly way. Very manly giggles all around.
Next up for their morning is a bit of forced meditation, the way it was meant to be enjoyed. The people pop out of the house looking very white and pasty, especially Todd Glass, who looks like he may have been sleeping right on his face. Everyone half-heartedly obeys the eager yoga instructor (has there ever been any other kind of yoga instructor? Has there ever been a surly yoga instructor? Someone who yells, “bend that way, beyatch!!” Um....Idon’tthinkso.) The only two people who rebel against the meditation (there's a cause to adopt), are Ant and Todd. When told to breathe deeply, Ant takes a long drag on his cigarette and tells us he’s a lazy queen, while off in the background, Todd chooses to sleep on his mat and snore with little gurgling sounds, making Kathleen giggle.
In between scenes, the camera zooms in on a yard gnome, and I am only mentioning it here, because it amuses me. Cute damn yard gnome. Oh how I enjoy thee. The yard gnome leads to the gypsy (which sounds a bit like a fairy tale) and we see Ant picking up the next challenge clue from the big plastic lady encased in glass.
Jay joins them all in the living room for the ceremonial “reading of the gypsy card” and asks Ant to read it to the group. The fortune says, “The question for the day is, do you know where Screech lives?” I find myself inadvertently raising my hand eagerly, and then, thankfully alone, pulling it down in shame. Jay makes the clues pointless by again immediately telling them what it means. This time, it means they’re all going to be tour bus guides on a Hollywood star bus. Each comic will lead a tour, the tourists voting on who was the most entertaining, informative, and charismatic. The winner receives immunity *cue Survivor drum beats* and new publicity shots. Everyone must pick a little numbered toy bus off the table, telling them the order in which they will perform.
It’s tour bus time, and time to show ‘em what’s what. First up is Corey Holcomb. He believes his job is uber tough, because he’s got to somehow break the hard crust around the tourists, delight them, and somehow make them remember who the heck he is after they see eight more people. He succeeds in making the tourists giggle by pointing at a house and asking, “Has anyone here heard of Chris Rock?” People nod, and Corey jokes, “That’s where his cousin lives.” He finishes up with bits about hookers on Sunset Boulevard, and their availability to lonely men everywhere. The tourists stare at him blankly.
Ant is up next, and tells us that no way José do the tourists want to hear jokes, so his plan is to give them what their hard earned benjamins ask for: learning where famous people lived, drank, and died. On the bus, Ant impressively launches into one of the slickest, smoothest, auctioneer-style tour bussin’ that fascinates not only the little tourist people, who listen to his Jennifer Anniston facts with rapt attention, but me as well. All applaud and are merry.
The tour bus manager now asks the people to vote between Ant and Corey. Who do they pick? *dun dun dunnnnnnn……..* It’s unanimous!! Ant!! Corey tells the rest of the comics he was slaughtered and that Ant’s a wicked kick ass tour guide, yet without using any of those words.
Kathleen is up next and attempts to actually point out landmarks like Tower records, but then immediately slips into one of her well-oiled comedy bits about how Detroit doesn’t have all of this fancy tourist stuff gettin’ in the way of the gunfire and abandoned buildings. No one laughs, all offer courtesy smiles, and it’s time for Ant again.
Ant gets up again and gets right back into his slick act. He gives away Jim Carey’s autograph on a Joker card to an eager little tourist, and continues on with his spiel. Kathleen tells us that she had to actually sit there and listen to Ant’s entire act, and found herself having an incredibly good time, looking out the window and thinking, “wow…really?” until she realized that Ant was completely full of crap and making everything up. The tourists vote again, and it’s twelve to one for Ant.
John Heffron is up next, and Kathleen advises him to make up a bunch of stuff, because Ant’s a killer. On the bus, most of John’s bit centers around jokes on how he’ll lose to Ant, and then tells us how much it sucks being a tour guide. Ant comes back with fake facts about Dolly Parton owning two houses, one for her wigs, make-up, and hairstylists, and one for her, with an underground tunnel connecting the both of them. John is impressed with the sheer amount of bull caca Ant produces, and laughs at the fact that there is indeed, no freakin’ tunnel.
It’s starting to get very apparent that Ant is crushing the competition, and the footage gets very back and forth and very “dueling banjo”, yet with no actual toothless hillbillies or scary inbreds sitting on logs, Deliverance style. John tells Alonzo Ant’s unstoppable, and we see one second of Alonzo on the bus telling people he’s from the Los Angeles County prison system before we see that Ant wins again.
Jay London talks about animal husbandry and Ant wins again. Tammy’s up and loses. Gary’s up and loses, and soon, all hope is pinned on Todd Glass. Can he do it? Gary thinks Todd’s the only one with a shot.
Over cheesy cowboy music, Todd enters the bus and opens with, “oh sh*t I’m intimidated.” People giggle a little, and we start to see Todd firing off facts about Beverly Hills traffic lights and various homes in the area. As everyone laughs, we’re led to believe that someone has finally given Ant a run for his money. The people laugh, all are merry, and everything seems well until Todd suddenly slumps into the microphone in the midst of fake bank facts, and says, “oh God, why put these people through this?” Todd candy-asses out of the competition, and kind of gives up.
Ant blows the crowd away again with Tiffany's stories. Even Todd has a good time, and in the end, the crowd is unanimous, Ant wins!! Ant graciously accepts his ‘award” by telling people he hopes that LA is as nice to them as they have been to him, and as we see footage of this, Ant tells us how it’s all crap, and how he knows he’s going to hell.
The Little Man with the Big Mouth, and the Big Man who Wants Him Dead
Ohhh peeps, it’s time for the big moment of the show. By “big moment” I mean the part of the show with the biggest blowout, the most drama, the most cringey. No, cringey isn’t a word, but you get my drift. I cringe, therefore, something is cringey. We’re on the school bus back to the castle when Tammy briefs us on what’s about to come. Apparently Todd plays a game in which he uses a word that offends Ant as a gay man, and Ant uses an analogy that makes him use the N word, making the dam burst with Corey, and most of the viewing audience.
We join the action, post-offense, with Corey immediately giving it to Ant about using such an offensive word. The word came out of nowhere, he doesn’t get why Ant had to use it, and said that he’d actually respect him more if he said it all the time, and says, “don’t say it all of a sudden just to shut the crowd up.” Ant’s IQ drops lower and lower with each passing minute as he somehow tries to laughably pass off the offense as no big deal, and all Corey’s problem. The more Ant yammers, the angrier Corey becomes.
Alonzo says it’s a bad situation, and all the people are anxious to see what happens next, staring at Corey and Ant with scared little, wide-open eyes. Ant tells Corey he’s clueless (about what? Not enjoying the N word?) and begins to sing like a third-grader, “clueless, clueless, clueless”. Todd says the button pushing is a bad, bad, deal and we see the little impromptu Ant song starting to burn a hole in Corey’s patience, as Corey begins to agitatedly rub his thumb across his jaw and tuck in his lower lip. Eventually Ant steps up the stupid a full notch by telling Corey that if he has a problem, then he shouldn’t start talking, making Corey insist, “I’ll talk whenever the sam hell I want,” and soon Ant interrupts with the big one, the worst thing to say, “I said shut up.” Ohhh no he di-in’t. Oh yes…he did. At this point, I am two steps from wanting to hang Ant out the window myself, and Corey bursts back with, “you ain’t never gonna make me shut up. As a matter of fact, let me get behind your gump ass before you get knocked the f** out! Sit over here where I can see you." Corey pops out of his seat, frightens everyone, and slams down in the seat across from Ant.
At this point, Tammy Pescatelli, who was sitting beside Ant, immediately looks frightened, gets up, and actually hops out the open door in the back of the bus. Kathleen tells us she was sure Corey was ready to smash Ant through the bus. The scene finishes with Corey telling Ant he’s lucky he’s in a position where he can spout off like that and not get “dealt with”. I’m sure Corey’s version of “dealt with” has something to do with a new kind of yoga Ant would enjoy even less, something where his stout little body bends in a very unfriendly way. Corey says he’s tired of sharing a room with Ant, and can’t wait to erase him right out of the house. Ant chooses to finish with fake trembles to the camera saying, “oooohhh I’m scared,” sarcastically. So yeah…he’s kind of a tool, isn’t he? Like that little blonde kid in the Brady Bunch, that you just want to smack. What was his name? Elmer? Elmo? I don’t know, but my fingers twitch when I see his face. Okay, not really, I’m not violent, but I’m trying to speak for the peeps.
Back at the house, Ant stands next to the school bus and weeps behind an enormous Alonzo, whose body blocks him from view. In the house, Kathleen says this crap has gotten way out of hand and says she didn’t sign up for the freakin’ Real World. Clue clever NBC editors who “Real World” the blubbering-Ant scene by drawing an arrow on the screen pointing at him hiding behind Alonzo, with the scribbled words, “Ant Crying,” and subtitles of Ant blubbering with, “I can’t take this anymore, I really can’t.” Flash back to Kathleen saying she signed up for this show because it was comedy, not drama, and suddenly we get the Real World moon with the same MTV font and the words Last Comic Standing angled across the screen.
*Screeech* Record screeches and the Real World fake out stops, the screen “flips” and we pop back in the house with Tammy and Todd talking strategy. Tammy thinks Corey should have walked away but didn’t, and Toddy thinks Ant is a much bigger doo doo head than Corey, only without saying that, but I can somehow see him saying it so I choose to leave it in. Anyhow, Todd think Ant bad, Tammy think good. Ooga booga.
The next morning, Ant feels like the rightful turd he should for saying the N word, which personally, I can't see slipping out accidentally. It’s not like it rhymes with catchy friendly phrases or anything. But he feels bad, and that’s something. So he apologizes to Corey while Kathleen smoothes over the situation by saying how surprised she is that Ant hasn’t been punched in the face about 500 times before. We all are, Kathleen, we all are. Corey, too, feels badly for things getting out of hand and says it’s now time for him to get back in the game, full force. They shake on it, and all is well.
The Pagong Voting that Works for a Change
It is pre-vote time, pre-ousting time, pre-roast fest. All the peeps sit around and speculate on who should go, Todd most of all, who thinks he only has a 50/50 shot against anyone in the head to head. All are worried, undies are clenched, and idle promises are made.
Ant annoys Kathleen by talking strategy constantly like a teenager on a cell phone. "Like, some people want to go for Gary, you know, but I don’t know, you know? But I don’t’ know, but then some people want to go for Todd, you know, but I don’t know, you know? What do you think of Gary? What do you think of Todd? What do you think of my new, soft, spreadable cheese pate?" (Nothing about cheese is uttered here, FYI). Kathleen finally cracks, and whips out a high-pitched annoyed voice and says she can’t take all the strategizing scenarios anymore. Kathleen tells us she doesn’t want to vote for Todd, and Corey tells us that he’s a target and would totally challenge Ant if he could, but feels confident in any head to head challenge. Tammy feels like there’s a target on her back now that Ant has immunity, and feels completely uncomfy.
Jay assembles them again in the Forest Pump studio to explain how they’ll all vote again. Yada yada people go into a photo booth yada yada they name somebody yada yada that person goes up to the head to head challenge that night with the person of their choosing from the line up of people who put them there. Fwew.
Nobody is ever comfortable during the vote reading/watching, and while each of them skewers another person on tape, they uncomfortably hug pillows or bite lips and basically contort their faces in a very lemony/regretful way while pretending that they don’t mea to try and erase thine enemy from the house, especially when the target of their skewering is nearby.
The votes tonight:
Ant: Todd Glass
Alonzo: Todd glass
Gary: Tammy (definitely lemon-faced sitting right next to Tammy)
John Heffron: Alonzo Boden
Jay London: Todd Glass
Todd Glass: Tammy
Okay! Look above!! It’s a tie!! A tie!! Between Tammy and Todd Glass. In the event of a tie, the two comics tied must face each other in a sumo suit wrestling contest, where the winner gets to sproing illegally off the ropes and land squishily on their opponents soft underbelly. Or actually, just face each other in the theater. Both must pack their bags!! Pack ‘em people!!
As she packs, Tammy tells us that Todd is the best possible match-up she could ask for, and Todd feels good and says it’s going to be 50/50 tonight, depending on what the audience is looking for in their guffaws for the evening. Tammy finishes by telling us to get out of her way, because it’s one less person in the house that gets her closer and closer to the final five.
Giant Rolly Polly Babies and the Future for Hos
They’re up at the Last Comic Standing Theater, where Jay pops out first again and lets them know the low down for the night: Two comics perform, the audience in the theater will vote, and one of the peeps will leave the house for good.
Jay opens the show again with more hilarious comedy of his own. His act centers on talk of his inexplicably huge baby, whom he describes as, “seventeen months, 6’5”, 250”. Apparently he’s been feeding the baby too many jars of baby food and needs to slow it down. The kid is 30 pounds and 30 inches, and when asked if he can walk, Jay says, “walk? He can’t even blink yet!! Look at him!! He looks like the bottom of a snowman!! He can’t walk. He rolls!! He can roll. He’s a rollin’ son of a bitch, this little circle man.” Everyone laughs merrily, including I. Or me, I mean. But we all laugh, “together”.
Todd and Tammy ready for the stage, and Tammy tells us that she wants people to see that female comedians are more than just boyfriend talk and junky stuff. (Junky stuff? What is junky stuff?) She says it would be nice if she could pull off a coup just to say that she could hang with the big dogs. She did not come out this far to fail.
Todd taunts himself in the mirror and says, yessireebob, he is indeed nervous, he won’t lie about it, but for the most part, he’s a five on a scale of one to ten. He wants to stay in the house, and says it’s freakish that his whole life comes down to, “should I do the bit about the tacos, or the bit about the guy who sh*ts in his pants.” Well, Todd, my vote is for the tacos. But then I’m a Mexican food lover, and not a sh*t lover.
Tammy’s up first and does the same mob bits about the witness protection program, how her grandfather received dresses and VCR’s off trucks as pension payment, and how she’s instructed not to talk on the phone about “shooting a pilot” which her granddad mistakes for hit talk, versus TV program talk. Then she introduces some not-seen-by-me material where she says her sister is like one of those chicks on the Wild on Spring Break fests, and she mimes a high-pitched girlie voice woman flashing her top. She says five years from now, those chicks will be crying on a talk show complaining about how they can’t find good men, and Tammy says, “yeah, because you’re a whore!!” She finishes with jokes about plastic surgery, her same bit about the Amish on roller blades, and pops out a new bit about being more scared by hillbillies than gang members, because a gang member will kill you, but a hillbilly will keep you......under a bed, in a box.
Todd Glass does the same bit about being the ugly baby of Mel Gibson and Fred Flintstone. He then talks about how his girlfriend constantly asks him to smell people, and asks him to confront a neighbor and tell him that he stinks. He doesn’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, so she tells him to be creative, which he doesn’t get. What’s he going to say, “hey..what do you think 50 Tic Tacs taste like?” He talks about people wearing bad hair pieces and spandex, how late night commercials are always geared towards people who have problems, how his mom smoked and drank while pregnant, and a million other things. The rest of his bit is a rapid-fire succession of 30-second bits centering on really small hotel soap, smoking rooms in hotels, deodorant getting low, shampoo, toothpaste, shaving cream, and basically, the dude is allll over the place. He finishes the bit by kind of trailing off and running out of steam.
The votes are cast, and it’s time for the audience to choose. Who goes home, and who stays? Tonight, the vote is closer than it’s ever been in the history of Last Comic Standing, and the winner, with 55 percent of the vote is………………….Tammy!! She’s flabbergasted and rejoices, while Todd’s mouth hits the floor in incredible surprise. He claps half-heartedly and then gives Jay an awkward “man hug” (opposing shoulders popped together, genitals safely pointed away from one another). Todd leaves the theater disappointed, saying that things didn’t go his way and we close off another episode.
Next week: It’s a Friar’s roast for Phyllis Diller, where anything goes and two enemies eventually go head to head.
Playin' the straight man sometimes. firstname.lastname@example.org