Recap 6/22: Stuffed Buzzards and Stupid, Stupid, Ho's
Well we know somebody likes to break some balls. And it’s not my chicken, or my inner elf. Although they are kind of violent. But no, it’s Tammy Pescatelli, who showers us with the warm and cuddly mafia phrases we’ve come to know and love, like, “stupid, stupid, whore,” and “kill the entire family and make them feel the pain,” and, “man do I like my meatballs.” Actually, I’m not sure of the last quote, but it just seems mafia-ish. At least stereotypically so, as you never see a movie or a show without someone like James Gandolfini “rubbing someone out” and then stuffing his mouth with little pork balls. The Mafioso loooove their meatballs. I kid. I jest. I don’t know what the mafia eats. Should we find out what I’m talking about? Want to know what turned Tammy from raven haired ha ha lady to iron fisted wise guy? Let us take a look.
First on this wagon train ride to wackiness is a bus ride to the freaky mansion, which I call freaky because…man is it freaky. It’s like a castle, complete with a little moat and an ambling Hunchback wobbling up the plank….Jay Mohr. He greets the guests outside the cobblestone haunted-house-looking palace, and stands amongst gnomes and gargoyles. And a little mechanical chicken. Okay, not really, but dang I like inserting that joke everywhere. It amuses me. Anyhow, everyone thinks the place is freaky, too: Corey calls it the Scooby doo place, and Ant tells us he doesn’t like demonic possession. I’m not sure if that has anything to do with the mansion, or if it’s merely an fyi. “Yeah, I’d like sour cream on my taco, and by the way, I’m really not down with demonic possession.” So no glowing red eyes for the Antster. Check.
Jay let’s them all know what’s in store, all the peeps will live in the house together and participate in a series of challenges showcasing their strengths and weaknesses as comics. Every week two people go head to head in a stand up competition, the loser leaving, until they’re finally down to five comics. Those comics will perform in one night in Vegas, where the home viewing audience will get to choose the Last Comic Standing. Sound good? All the people nod. But Jay ominously warns them of the colon of comedy up ahead, i.e. there will be many twists and turns, my friends, many and mucho. Buwahahaha. <-----he does not laugh in this manner.
My own personal moat tribute: How freakin’ cool is this place that it has a moat? How many of us wish we had moats? I would say…at least one of us, *points thumbs at self*. Think of the handiness. Especially if covered by a very grass-looking tarp when your four wheeling neighbors come scooting over your property. Heh heh heh. *splash* In the show, however, I sense a future with someone taking an involuntary dip. Maybe Tammy will be involved.
Anyhow, the peeps venture into the Elvira witchy palace and freak out at the décor. It’s all reds and oranges with stuffed buzzards and suits of armor and carpets hanging inexplicably from the walls. Kathleen calls it the 70’s Brady Bunch castle, Gary Gulman guffaws (man I love alliteration), and Bonnie thinks the house is very “porno” and I can practically hear the “baow baow baow” in the distance. John Heffron ventures into an extremely red room and says he ain’t down with the red rooms, the only one he knows of was in the Amityville horror house. He decides to make it home despite worries over flying, talking, pigs.
Alonzo immediately lays claim to the white room and flops down on a bed as Todd Glass purposely tumbles down the stairs to the room. Alonzo looks annoyed and says, “we’re going to have to set some ground rules that we can’t have that happening all the time,” I’m assuming he means’ “Knock that sh*t off, fool.” Across the castle, Corey and Ant find they’re rooming together, which Corey admits he ain’t too thrilled with. He doesn’t want Ant all over him at night, and decides to sleep with a club. Ant decides to add fuel to the fire by white boarding their new love duo with their names in a little cupid-like heart. Corey isn’t amused.
Without saying so, all the comics suddenly gather around a giant fortune teller machine ala the movie "Big", only it’s a chick. A big, plastic, future-seeing chick. According to Jay Mohr, this plastic seer will be popping out their weekly comedy challenges. This week’s card is read by Gary, and says, “Leave the house and go and entertain the unwashed masses.” Jay finishes with the cornball line, “there’s always something on the line.” How punny. And kind of geeky.
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scrubbing Tightie Whities
All the peeps head to Lucy’s Laundromat. Not the recapper Lucy, but some random Hollywood Lucy. Anyhow, they head to Lucy's laundromat where Jay greets them to a mic set up in front of a spinning dryer and the man/woman toilet. Goood looking place. He tells them they’ve already proved they can make thousands laugh, now they need to make ten (disgruntled) underwear washers laugh.
Todd is up first, and complains about comedy already being hard enough when people actually WANT to be there, but this is 5 billion times worse. He gets up to the mic with an absolutely blank staring audience and talks about his grandpa’s wooden legs burning to the ground. People react by softly folding their socks.
Alonzo uses his turn to say the first thing you’ll learn tonight is “stay in school,” i.e. the comics thought they’d be big TV stars, and here they are working a wash crowd. All the other comics laugh, the peeps spinning their panties? Nada.
Jay London absolutely bombs with his puns, and while wearing overalls, asks, “how do you like my overall look?” No one reacts and he spits out, “this is death” while two little girls look on and the rest of the comics laugh through shared misery.
Bonnie talks about giving money to a homeless guy who asked her for crack cash. She was disappointed when he went out and used the money for a turkey sandwich. Zero reactions, and Bonnie tells us that staring into her non-laughing competitor’s faces sucks rocks, which ‘causes her to angrily point at Jay and say, “he man, I laughed at you,”.
Gary Gulman talks about the weird fact that we had a space shuttle before we had self-adhesive postage stamps. The Laundromat…………………quiet.
Kathleen talks about getting asked, “are you the waitress” while waiting tables, and the urge to respond sarcastically with, “no I just had this piñata outfit laying around.” Riiight during her act a woman rolls a cart in front of her angrily, and then shakes the no no no finger at her when Kathleen lightheartedly quips that Todd Glass can finish this woman’s laundry.
John Heffron talks about growing up the youngest and getting pushed around when a robust woman pushes past him to head into the toilet he’s standing in front of. This has got to be a dream come true for these guys. Good times, good times.
Ant does his normal bit about his San Francisco accent while one little girl looks at him like he’s a wacko.
Corey adapts to the crowd easily, and starts pumping the mostly female crowd for man info. He wants to know if they’re lookin’ for a man, because they’re at a Laundromat at 9 o’clock at night. He offers himself up to the ladies post-show, and many of the women in the Laundromat giggle it up.
Tammy talks about her two Joe Pesci like uncles when she suddenly loses her voice. She chokes and is disgruntled by the fact that certain members of her comic family seemed unsupportive and look at her strangely.
When finished, Jay Mohr pops back in to spring a surprise on them: George Lucas thought Jar Jar binks was a GOOD idea. Okay, not really. The surprise is that there has been a rep from HBO’s comedy special in Aspen Colorado. Out from the crowd of washers appears Debbie Drimmer, who pulls off her really “wacky” and camouflaging disguise of a beret and glasses. It’s like she’s a whole other person now. Anyhow, her goal has been to watch the comics perform and choose the best one to perform at the Comedy Arts Special in Aspen, Colorado and enjoy a cozy ski opportunity to boot. Who deserves it? Apparently Corey Holcomb, who adapted so well and gave the laydays the giggles. He gets to pick one housemate to go with him, and he chooses Kathleen for comforting him on his early days on the road and apparently made him feel all safe and protected like a baby cub.
Snow balls and Mafiosos
Up next, all the comedy peeps head out to din din at a swanky eatery with giant fluffy pillows. Bonnie tells us that Tammy gave them little motivational cards before the show, and hers said, “you’re a superstar, I hope you win, you deserve it.” This is necessary info to witness the smackdown that’s about to take place. Back at the table, we don’t hear the beginning portion of Bonnie’s conversation, but she says something about, “I realize I don’t have cards for you all,” and Tammy immediately overreacts and takes it as a cut, “go fudge yourself you (something bad here),” while Gary Gulman’s mouth pops open in a little round O of surprise. What did she call her? I have zero idea, but if it’s enough to shock a guy, it probably ain’t “my little candy cane.”
Tammy lets us know that “some people” (meaning Bonnie) are so demented that they mistake kindness for weakness, and back at the table, Tammy tells Bonnie she didn’t need to drag her into this crap. Bonnie thinks Tammy’s a psycho and that all this tom foolery makes Tammy look like a nervous little squirrel.
Meanwhile, Corey and Kathleen hop on a private jet to Aspen. On the slopes, he tells us he’s never been skiing before and we see them on the slopes making snow angels. Actually, not, but they do fall down…a lot. Apparently Corey’s jazzed because he had a delightful ski instructor that tried to shove her number at him. Hmmm. But anyhow, they laugh, they play, they flail in the snowy goodness.
Back in the hizzouse, we get a lot of footage of Todd Glass and Alonzo snoring up a storm, while Gary sits in his bunk bed working on comedy gold. Later, in a giant, “I Dream of Jeanie” type room full of crazy bed spreads and weird ass carpets, Tammy, Ant, Alonzo, and Jay London sit around and strategize. How very, very, Survivor. Actually, I wanted to say, “how gouche” while holding out my pinky, just because I’ve always wanted to, yet sadly, that does not apply here. Interrupting the peeps peace, is Todd’s voice, singing “the attention song,” which, depending on your mood, could either be considered annoying or amusing. Ant, big surprise, finds it annoying. Bonnie and John Heffron laugh delightedly, while John tells us about the two camps in the house: the gossipers (flash to the focus group in the Jeanie bottle) and the peeps who just don’t give a rats ass. He is clearly one of the no rats ass peeps.
Oooo..it’s about to get freaky!! And by freaky, I don’t mean sexual…yet Especially not right now, as it involves Ant and Bonnie, the least likely pair to slip and slide if ya catch my drift, and I ain’t talkin’ the yard toy (which in and of itself, kind of sounds funny). They’re all cuddled up on yet more pillows (do they not have chairs on this show???) when Ant asks Bonnie who she would vote for. Obvious answer: Tammy because she choked at the Laundromat. Ant wants Todd’s ass gone, because he has “the concentration of a mosquito.”
Annnnd the second Ant gets a chance, what does he do? He scuttles off to immediately tell Tammy. The second the news hits her ears we get an earful of ugly. Tammy tells us she’s a hot Sicilian, and then begins to slam things around the kitchen and acts all DeNiro by saying she’s going to annihilate Bonnie, calling her a, (children…look away!!) “stupid, stupid, whore.” Ohhhh man. When I first saw that typed on NBC’s screen, I was shocked. I almost didn’t put this in my recap, because I thought, is this PG-13 enough? And then I thought, “But it was on NBC!! Is nothing sacred anymore? Least of all…whores?” (Who I guess…have never really been sacred.)
Screw You and Your Little Dog Too
We’re back in Aspen to witness Corey nervously preparing for the stage. Apparently there are a lot of big wigs in the comedy biz who will get a looksee at him. On stage, he does his typical Corey bits, i.e. having two six year olds that aren’t twins, and looking at other women while you’re with your lady. He’s pleased it went well and says it’s one of the biggest gigs he’s ever pulled. He’s totally stoked that he pleased industry types. Did he use the word “stoked”? No. Artistic (or really, non-artistic) license, folks. Kathleen and Corey skeedaddle back to the house, speculating about potential fights in the house between Ant and Todd.
Back in the house, all kinds of strategizing takes place. Ant tells us John Heffron is an enigma who can be ruffled easily Ant starts to intimidate him and warn him that he’d better not go against the herd, or he’ll be all out on his lonesome, herdless. John is puzzled and tense while Ant tells us it’s not about making friends, it’s about getting’ to the final five. Tammy talks strategy by telling people you do not get rid of the big one, the Todd Glass, the king of the house, instead you take down his whole miserable family and make his life hell. You take out everyone he cares about one by one. She then gives herself a Mohawk and says, “are you lookin’ at me?” Not really, but the girl is definitely heated and scary.
All the peeps finally gather in what I guess could be called a living room, but what I like to refer to as studio one, where Forest Pump was likely filmed. This time, everyone’s completely dressed….for now, and Jay pops out to tell them what’s on the agenda: Tonight someone is leaving the house. Everyone is to pop into a little photo booth and say, “I’m funnier than…” and vote for the person they think most deserves to leave. The person with the most votes will have to go head to head that night with someone they choose from the handful of peeps who challenged them.
Gary Gulman: Jay London
Jay : Bonnie
John Heffron : Bonnie
After each choice, Bonnie looks more and more freaked out, but especially over John. As we watch footage of John’s choice, he hides under a ridiculously too-small-to-hide-under pillow, she tells us she feels betrayed. Jay Mohr confronts him and says, wtf dude? Why did he choose Bonnie? His answer: strategy.
Time is up for Bonnie to choose an opponent. At first, she looks around the room and crosses off everyone on her list she says she knows she can whoop ass on. That includes Tammy and Ant. She says she can’t beat Kathleen and that Jay is too dang easy, so she goes with…………*drum roll*……..John Heffron!! Friend!! Now foe!!
Jay asks her wtf, chickie, why didn’t you pick the people you could smother with an all cotton pillow? Why? Because she knew all along she wasn’t going to pick another girl, it seems catty. Tammy immediately pipes up with, “it’s funny that you choose now to not be catty,” and Bonnie immediately says yo, girlfriend, you’re the one that called me a bad name. I’m not even challenging you, scuzz bucket, and you still wanna piece ‘o me? Aww yeah. Bring…it..on. I’m hoping they pop on some sumo suits and leap at each other. They do not and Tammy says nothing. John and Bonnie have to pack their bags for the night, and John feels horrible for voting for the Bonnster. His strategy to keep the target off his back backfired, and now he’s going up against someone in the house he’d rather spend time with more than anyone else. Bonnie feels deceived and knows that it’s allll game ON from this point forward.
It’s time for elimination night and the head to head comedy challenge. We’re at the Last Comic Standing theater where Jay tells us that two comics will perform, and the audience will select the funniest by using their all powerful little buzzers. The audience reacts with glee while eyeing their devices, and they laugh merrily at their God-like control.
First, Jay does a bunch of hilarious stand up about homeless people that makes me chortle, guffaw, and yes, actually slap my knee. He says the homeless people in New York are freakishly hearty, and describes walking past a sewer grate while some guy in a diaper pops out with a rock saying, “Arrgggh!!” Jay mimes immediately giving up his cash and saying, “you shouldn’t even be alive!” and then pulls out my first ever reality tv run in with a Land of the Lost reference, “Chatka?” He finishes with the homeless Olympics. I mean jokes on, not actual participation, as no such thing exists. Yet. But I believe Jay has planted the dream seed with games like the cart push and the squeegee races.
Before heading out on stage, John and Bonnie talk briefly over his choice to pick her. She feels betrayed and says she always thought the way to go was to keep the peeps in the house that gave you the giggles Instead, John has chosen to screw the pooch on this one. Bonnie doesn’t even want to think about what the people in the house think of her anymore, her goal is to get on that stage and WIN! *deflated sigh*
Bonnie’s bits: (hey, how cool…alliteration again!) she runs over her same material about robbing stores with breast implants, i.e. whilst having them, not actually sticking a silicone sack in the proprietor’s face. More bits about cops wearing mirrored sunglases and checking out her bangs in them, a gossipy friend in AA, staying thin and hot by being anorexic, and dating a hypnotist that she misses sooo much, especially going over there to do his laundry naked while acting like a chicken.
John: He repeats bits about carrying old guy stuff in his pockets: tums, versus young guy stuff in his pockets: condoms. He also does a hilarious bunch of bits about how your body recovers more quickly as a youngin’, and how he hates it when he calls someone and can’t remember who he’s calling in mid-ring. He finishes with bits about lame roaming minutes on cell phones, “I’ve got 1700 living room minutes, and 1400 kitchen minutes”, and playing play station all day.
Soon, the power hungry deities vote..and they choose…………………………with 94 percent of the vote…John Heffron!! John feels it’s an empty victory; he could list eight other people in the house he’d rather see leave besides Bonnie. (Hey..eight? That’s *counting on fingers* why that’s everyone!!) Bonnie hits the dust and says she had no idea she was an easy take.
Next week: All the comics face off in a bizarre tour bus challenge, where they must apparently make the people laugh while looking at tourist attractions.
A very, very, rainman week. email@example.com