Ladies and Gentlemen, I have terrible news. Last night, a brutal murder occured. The victim? Comedy. A heinous crime indeed. We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of this beloved member of our society. More details will be available pending a full investigation.
***5 minutes later***
Ladies and Gentlemen, after an extensive investigation of excrutiating detail, an investigation that cost millions of dollars of the taxpayers' money (mostly extorted by me), all leads in this murder investigation point to one suspect. Dat Phan.
***At the Trial Following Dat's Arrest***
Dat. You stand before the eyes of the law charged with the July 15 slaying of comedy. Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Dat Phan: My mom says "My boy, he ha ha. He get education to be ha ha."
Ladies and Gentlemen, you heard it here, Dat pleads guilty to the murder of comedy. And Dat, stop beating that dog. It's dead. Leave it alone.
In light of your plea, I hereby find you and your accomplices (70% of the audience) guilty of the first degree murder of Comedy. I also find you guilty of overdoing a bad routine, perverting the art of writing and rhetoric, and for simply making America look bad.
Ladies and Gentlemen, comedy is dead. Dat Phan is all that remains. What a sad day for humanity!