It’s the day after the death of Everett and Rhett Reese has assembled the actors for their morning production meeting. He expresses the concern that Piper and Austin have become too convincing in their roles. His aim is merely to humiliate the Schmos, not break their hearts, so he suggests the two actors tone it down. He advises them to pay less attention to Tim and Amanda to diffuse the situation.
Lunch with Porked and Beans
The actors are next seen accompanying our two Schmos out on the patio for lunch. Tim comes out with his arm over Ingrid and says, “Oh, we are actually eating lunch right now?” This seems a peculiar thing to say. I’m not sure if its 8AM or if they haven’t been fed lunch in the past, but he seems completely baffled by the situation. It’s possible he was just distracted, however, as the wind picks up and lifts the back of Cammy’s skirt. Tim asks her if she’s even wearing underwear and Cammy informs him that she is not wearing any and that she goes without as often as she can. Tim laughs at this “confession” and T.J. tells Cammy it’s really sexy.
As they are finishing their lunch, T.J. brings up the “rumor” of Cammy’s soft-core past. As he mentions, “beans”, Tim and Ingrid pretend to misunderstand him and ask him if he means “anal beads”. As T.J. explains what he means, Cammy admits that she did. In a classic example of a man attempting (and failing) to lie convincingly, Tim opens his eyes wide and gasps. He says, “Whaaaat?” as if Cammy being in a soft-core porn video was on par with aliens landing at the local Wal-mart. Cammy does an excellent job of acting guarded, however, and wants to know where T.J. heard the rumor. T.J. says that he heard it “around the house” but refuses to elaborate.
A moment later, Cammy’s past is quickly forgotten as the sound of an airplane is heard overhead. Once again, a banner flutters along behind and Tim looks aghast. His face flushes when the banner comes into view:
“Look Behind U”
Tim and the others leap to their feet and look over the retaining wall just in time to see Bryce coming down from the house. Amanda seems amused by his return, but Tim actually appears to be scanning the immediate area for blunt objects to subdue Bryce if necessary. Tim wisely chooses to see why Bryce is there before knocking him out and even shakes his hand when it’s offered. Gerald tells us in his confessional that it was fascinating to see Tim be cordial to Bryce’s face when he made no secret of the fact that he thought the man was a lunatic.
Derek soon arrives to explain why Bryce is back. He tells them that because Austin has a chance to reinstate Ingrid, the producers thought that it was only fair to give Piper the same courtesy. They all felt that Bryce had shown such devotion with his endless banners, that he should be given a second chance. Derek then reminds them that there will still be an eviction ceremony that night and leaves the guests to welcome Bryce back into the fold. Tim, clearly a “keep your enemies closer” kind of guy, starts telling Bryce about all of the happenings at the mansion.
Soon, however, Piper and Austin arrive on the scene and Piper gives Bryce a warm hug. Tim looks like he’s thinking of dragging Bryce off behind some bushes and beating him senseless. Realizing Piper might not appreciate this romantic gesture, he contents himself with making plans with T.J. for how to deal with the psychotic contestant. Most of these “plans” are bleeped out, so I’m going to assume he was extrapolating on my basic idea of dragging Bryce behind the shrubbery. We do hear the two men agree that Bryce should not be told of the death of Everett, however. Tim thinks this information would drive Bryce over the edge.
But Soft! What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks? Oh…Austin’s Teeth
The players are assembled below two balconies for the game of the day. Derek explains that Austin and Piper will stand on the balconies as each of the contestants professes their love. Whoever’s style they like best will go on a private date with them. Austin and Piper come out dressed in Elizabethan outfits and the contest begins.
Gerald begins the game by serenading Piper with a song called, “Blonde Buddies”. He sings:
“Piper when we met that day, I thought we had a great con-nect.
I spent my hard-earned bus-boy pay on an emollient bas-ket.
My name is Gerald with a hard “G”
Accept this song to you from me,
Cause I hope I will always be
Blonde buudies. Blo-o-on-de Buddies.”
Tim decides that poetry is the way to go and tortures us with some original verse.
“My knees are week, my palms are sweaty
Maybe she’ll arrive just wearing a teddy.
Holy Jackpot! She’s a beauty.
I can only hope she thinks I’m a cutie.
What tickles me most is your sweet Irish smile.
Your voice from the heavens
No one here in denial
For the recipe for love could not be much riper
Just add a pinch of T-dub
And a beauty named Piper.”
T.J. does a rap about having sex with Piper and she laughs all the way through. Amanda notes in her confessional that he is very sexual. She says she keeps hoping there’s more there, but she is starting to think that’s all he is.
Ok, I don’t know anything about cheerleading. However, even I think I could have bested Amanda’s cheer that she does for Austin. She blushes and giggles through the whole thing, forgets the words, and stumbles around awkwardly. If I didn’t know she was a Schmo, I would have thought it was a brilliant piece of acting. Tim feels bad for Amanda, calling it “cheery”, but “awkward to watch.”
Bryce tells the group that he saw a TV special about the early communication of man and demonstrates how early man would express his love. He begins screaming at the top of his lungs, much to the amusement of some of the girls and the horror and disbelief of Tim. Bryce then tries to climb the side of the building to get to Piper while Derek tells him to get down. Tim calls the display the weirdest thing he’s ever seen and expresses the hope that one day everyone else will see what he sees in the unpredictable Bryce.
Ingrid chooses to paint Austin’s portrait with her toes while reciting the Preamble to the Constitution. She does it in order to poke fun at her intellectual capabilities. Cammy takes the opposite approach and makes balloon animals. They play the soft “porno” sax as Cammy pumps the long balloons up with a hand pump. Her final creation is a green blob that she calls Everett. Everyone looks toward Bryce in a panic, but he asks no questions. They cut to the clip of Everett by candlelight and play soft music for a moment.
For the private dates, Austin chooses Cammy and Piper decides that she likes T.J.’s “rhythm” and chooses him. Cammy and T.J. are congratulated by everyone and Tim calls the win, “well-deserved”. Derek wishes them luck and expresses the hope that no one ends up dead like in “Romeo and Juliet”. At the mention of the word, “dead”, they again cut to the Everett Memorial Footage and we have another moment of silence for the luckless frog.
And the Filler Part of our Show
We soon see our guests sitting around chatting in the dining room. They are doing impersonations of each other and several, including Bryce’s impersonation of Gerald, are very good. As they laugh and applaud one another, we are shown Cammy trying to decide whether to rest her ample breasts on the chest-high table or to put them under. Ingrid notes her predicament and confesses to having a similar problem with deciding where to put her “girls”. This leads Tim to question the size difference and I’m again amazed at the good fortune of the producers to have nabbed such an agreeable Schmo. He always seems to say exactly what they would want him to say.
Tim begins to guess the sizes of the girls and ticks off the very trim Ingrid by suggesting that her bra “number” is a 36. Guys, that’s the number of inches around the torso, just under the chest. For a petite little thing like Ingrid, “36” is a little insulting. The girls whisper their measurements to each other and T.J. decides to wager a guess. In a scene that I think was completely authentic, he nails both of their measurements (34DD for Ingrid and a 32DD for Cammy) on the first try.
I’m starting to think they didn’t have enough footage to fill this episode, because we are then treated to Cammy’s “Porked and Beans” video. Derek brings a small TV in and shows it to the guests so that the men can see it too. Tim once again expresses his amazement that such a video exists. Ingrid then scares Cammy by accidentally popping the Everett balloon and we are treated to the Everett Memorial Footage again.
Big Brother Goes On a Date
When its time for the private dates, Derek arrives to inform them that the dates won’t be as private as they believed. Cammy and T.J. would have to wear ear pieces and take suggestions from the other contestants, who would be keeping an eye on things live on a TV. T.J. pretends to be upset by this interference in his “alone” time, but Cammy seems to take it well.
What follows was actually pretty funny to watch, but probably not so funny to read about. As the two fake dates commence, the housemates whisper sometimes silly and sometimes sensible directives to the actors on the dates as they hand the microphone around the room. Tim gets on Amanda’s nerves by continually insisting how they need to be nice to T.J. She was also upset with Bryce for taking the microphone and telling T.J. to stop touching Piper. Amanda remarked that it wasn’t Piper that was uncomfortable, but Bryce. She told him that he wasn’t allowed to talk in it anymore and took it away. T.J., of course, took even the most absurd advice, even when Cammy suggested he talk to Piper about the color yellow and how it reminds him of turning the water on to pee. T.J. acts annoyed when he comes back upstairs because of people saying inappropriate things.
Cammy’s date started off better with Tim at the microphone. He had her ask Austin questions about where he went to college and other normal inquiries. However, once Gerald and T.J. get a hold of the microphone, they have her saying absurd things as well. No matter how ridiculous she becomes, Austin pretends to blame it on the champagne and giggles along with her. Ingrid has Cammy ask Austin if he prefers a hot bod to a bright mind and when he answers that he thinks Cammy has the brightest mind of all, everyone groans. Amanda looks as if she’s just discovered that Austin is a flake.
The Everett Saga Continues
After the dates have ended, everyone is hanging out in the living room area again when Gerald addresses Bryce. He says that everyone had been avoiding the issue all day, but that he though that they should talk about Everett. Tim tries to mumble a Jenga warning about upsetting the delicate balance of Bryce’s mind, but Bryce has already started to catch on. He insists on an explanation and Gerald tells him simply that Everett has died. We again see the Everett Memorial Footage.
Bryce immediately starts flipping out, sputtering and cursing, wanting to know what happened. The others try to calm him, but he’s getting more and more agitated and begins to yell at anyone who speaks to him. They all try to explain at once, leading Bryce to briefly think that Cammy is responsible because she fed Everett a donut. Gerald quickly explains that the falcon killed the frog and Bryce is yelling incoherently as the veins in his neck bulge and his face flushes. The actress who plays Cammy is giggling throughout this tense scene, but T.J. does a good job of acting fed up with Bryce. The finally fake a physical confrontation with Tim stepping in to try to stop them. When he finally gives up and decides to let them go at it, Gerald yells at Bryce to go to his room. Bryce runs up the stairs crying. Since his room is right above where they are, Tim begins to explain how they found out about the frog. Bryce comes out and starts to listen and then comes back downstairs. He’s calmed some and listens as Tim tells the story. Bryce says that the frog wasn’t where he was supposed to be and that the producers and the falcon are to blame.
Right after this huge fight, Bryce and T.J. both retire to the room they share with Gerald. As the actors normally do, they break character and begin joking around about what has just transpired. The sit on the bed and begin to play guitar and laugh about their scene. Unfortunately, Tim chooses that moment to arrive unannounced in their room during this little celebration. T.J. quickly improvises, explaining that they talked things out and Tim seems to buy into it.
A Truly Shocking Elimination
The elimination ceremony begins with an intense exchange of glances between Montecore and Bryce, the hatred evident in Bryce’s eyes. Derek breaks the tension by announcing that the twist tonight is that Austin would be sending a male suitor home instead of Piper. The men all plead their case to Austin, and Tim seems confident that he’ll be chosen after Bryce rants at the falcon for trying to keep them apart. However, Austin’s pearl necklaces go to Gerald, T.J. and Bryce. I feel as shocked as Tim looks when he is eliminated.
Piper immediately begins to cry. Tim goes to give her a hug and then turns to address his housemates. He tells them that he’s gained great friends and feels that’s more than any money could buy. When Derek tries to interrupt him with his normal spiel, Tim shushes him and says that he’s going to say goodbye to his friends first. He hugs everyone but Bryce (he shakes his hand) and in a final farewell, he turns to everyone and in a line eerily similar to the final line in the “Truman Show”, says, “If I don’t see you guys, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.”
Piper pretends to be angry with the decision as she storms out of the room with Austin. We are shown the shocked contestants discussing the events and then see Tim’s final words saying that he wished that he’d been able to stay.
Does Tim return? Does Bryce kill the falcon in a fit of rage? Find out next week.