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Thread: Joe Schmo Recap-07/12/04-Porno, Body Shots and Grandpa

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    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Joe Schmo Recap-07/12/04-Porno, Body Shots and Grandpa

    This One Time, At the Pool…

    Welcome back to another exciting episode of “Joe Schmo 2”. First of all, I feel I must apologize. For some reason, I’ve spelled the faux-host’s name differently in almost every recap. Derek, Derreck, Dereck, Derrek. I’ve tried them all. I have no idea what I was doing, but I figured I had better correct myself. According to my first set of notes, it is “Derek”, so I will be sticking with that. Ok, all straightened out? Great. On with the show…

    In the opening montage, the narrator explains that Ingrid has uncovered the secret of “Joe Schmo” and is now part of the cast. As the show begins, we get to see a short clip of Rhett Reese congratulating Ingrid on her performance and giving the actors tips for the day. He advises them to do more of the same for the coming days as he feels that they have finally hit the perfect mix of craziness and believability.

    After the production meeting, Tim and Amanda join their fellow “contestants” at the pool, where they are all lounging when Derek arrives with a silver platter. On the platter, he has pieces of paper and a marker and he instructs the men to write down the name of the suitor that they believe to be least compatible with Piper and the women to do the same of the women they find to be least compatible with Austin.

    As Derek leaves to tally the votes, Eleanor makes an offhand comment about her towel. Tim observes that her voice reminds him of the band camp girl from “American Pie” (Alyson Hannigan for anyone interested). Eleanor immediately pretends to be suspicious of the comparison and tells Tim she wasn’t in the band or a geek. Tim clumsily explains that he only thought the voice was the same, not the personality. He says that he could just have easily been reminded by an aunt. Eleanor gets weepy and questions the age of Tim’s hypothetical aunt. At a loss over her extreme sensitivity, Tim mutters an apology and is left to remark that Eleanor is the female version of Bryce.

    Derek soon returns to the pool area to announce the results of the “least-compatible” vote. Not surprisingly (even if it wasn’t scripted) the men vote for Gerald and the women vote for Eleanor. At first, Eleanor looks hurt and Gerald seems annoyed, but then Derek announces that because they were chosen by their peers, they have actually earned alone time with Austin and Piper. The actress playing Eleanor actually makes a bit of an error at this point (first I’ve seen from her) by reacting with a joyous outburst a split second before Derek announces the news. Gerald and Eleanor hug as we see confessionals of Tim and Amanda commenting on how happy Eleanor seemed for receiving the time alone with Austin.

    But He Was Only 102!

    Later that day, the guests gather in the courtyard for the Falcon Twist Ceremony. Derek calls down Montecore and prepares to read the card until he is “unexpectedly” interrupted by the producers through his earpiece. A production assistant appears, exchanges a few whispered words with Derek and requests to speak to Ingrid alone. After Ingrid leaves, Derek announces to the assembled contestants that the Falcon Twist has been cancelled because Ingrid’s grandfather has passed away.

    Rhett Reese is shown carefully going over this ruse with Ingrid in that morning's meeting. We learn that it was originally supposed to be Ingrid’s grandmother that met with an untimely demise, but that Ingrid had inadvertently mentioned granny the night before. So, her grandfather has the dubious honor of being killed off instead. Ingrid tells Rhett that her grandfather is actually over a hundred years old and Rhett is delighted at the realistic touch. Apparently afraid of stirring up bad mojo, we see a confessional where Ingrid apologizes to her grandfather for bumping him off and explains it was all in good fun. I’m just hoping that her grandfather never watches this show, because while his own fraudulent death may not do him in, Cammy’s boobs have heart attack written all over them.

    After an appropriate amount of “alone” time, Ingrid rejoins the cast in the living room. Tim and Amanda, both thinking that she might be distraught, rush in to comfort her. Ingrid plays it straight, explaining that her grandfather was a very old man and it hadn’t come as a shock. As she receives consolatory hugs from everyone, Derek reappears. He reminds them of the vote that was taken before Ingrid’s news and says that it is now time for the private dates.

    Eleanor jumps up happily in anticipation of finally having Austin to herself, but Derek stops her. He explains that Austin has learned of Ingrid’s sad tidings and wishes to express his condolences personally. He has requested that Eleanor give up her date so that he can see Ingrid privately. Eleanor pretends to be crushed, yet understanding of the request and agrees. Amanda and Tim completely buy into the death and Austin’s request and feel bad for Eleanor. Tim is shown in confessional rolling his eyes at Eleanor’s newest influx of tears, but doesn’t seem bothered by them in person as he rushed to put his arm around her.

    Stalker or Sweet?

    After the drama of Ingrid’s grandfather and Austin’s decision has past, the contestants adjourn outside to the patio. Cammy brings up Everett, the frog, and tells everyone how she’s been caring for him. When he was unwilling to eat a cricket, Cammy decided pastries were in order and fed him a donut. While everyone is laughing about the possible side-effects this could have on Everett, they suddenly notice a plane flying over the valley. Attached to the plane is a banner that reads:

    P. – Please forgive me. –B.

    As he struggles to read the flapping sign, you can see the horror on Tim’s face begin to grow as he realizes who the initials belong to. He is mortified to think that Bryce would go to such extremes. He’s also completely baffled as to why Piper seems oblivious to the high creepiness factor involved in hiring a plane to profess your love to a woman you barely know. Since she didn’t get the chance to be around him for long, Amanda just stands back in bewilderment, wondering what’s going on. When Piper says she may have made a mistake in eliminating Bryce, Tim looks like he’s about to have a stroke.

    Games To Play At the Church Picnic

    For the game portion of the show, the contestants are taken out to some mats set up in the yard. The participants are paired up except for Gerald, who volunteers to be the cheerleader since he’s already won a trip anyway. Tim is impressed with this selfless gesture and thanks the ever-chipper Gerald. The rest of the contestants line up along the mat as Derek explains the rules. On the particular game day, the paired-up contestants would be competing against two voluptuous models representing, “Last Chance For Love” Each pair would compete against the models in a different event.

    Love is a Battlefield- Ingrid and Eleanor- The first game on the agenda involved the two girls having red heart balloons attached all over their bodies. They then had to kneel on the mat and face off against the models, who were similarly adorned. Whichever team was able to pop all of their competitors balloons first would win.

    Ingrid and Eleanor square off against the two beauties and a good old-fashioned cat fight breaks out on the mat. Tim leans over the struggling women and helpfully suggests that they aim first toward the balloons between each other’s lets. I really don’t think this part was scripted at all, as hands and hair were flying everywhere in the short, but ferocious smack down. The actress playing Eleanor confesses to being scratched more than once by the flailing models but seems quite pleased that her and Ingrid took the competition.

    The Electro-lick Competition-Amanda and T.J.-In this competition, Austin and Piper are holding devices that are shaped like giant lips out in front of them at groin level. Inside the lips is a light switch that the contestants (racing against the models) must manipulate using only their tongues. Whichever team flips the switch the most in two minutes will be the winner.

    T.J. is the first to race up to Piper and commence licking. He stumbles once or twice, but quickly picks up a steady rhythm and maintains it until its time to tag Amanda. Shown licking like a pro, we hear Amanda in confessional swear that she was humiliated and would never again put herself in such a compromising position on TV. I’m not sure why she makes this claim. If she had a problem with it, I don’t think she would have done it the first time around. I guess we’ll see the next round of games if Amanda’s resolve holds up. Anyway, the models (who really look like they knew their way around either a tongue or a light switch, I’m not sure which) win the round by two licks.

    Getting A Heart-On-Cammy and Tim-Or as I like to call it, the “Bleeping Game”. In this competition, one teammate would be seated in a chair strapped into a heart monitor and it was up to the other teammate to try to raise their heartbeat by as many beats as they could in two minutes. Whichever team raised their seated member’s heart rate the most would win. Gerald noted the seriousness of Tim as he tried to calm his heartbeat while his baseline of 60 beats per minute was taken.

    At the sound of the gun, Cammy kneels by Tim and wastes no time in talking to him like she just fell out of a porno. She starts off by saying, “first I’m going to start at the bottom of your…” and then the rest is known only by the censors and lip readers out there, it was lost to a long series of beeps. I have a fairly good idea of what she said, as I rewound an embarrassing amount of times, but I’m afraid you’ll have to go to your own tapes to find out for sure, as this is a PG-13 site. Trust me. If this site were rated “R”, we’d still have to offer only a bleep for comment.

    Tim happily confides in his confessional that Cammy talked raunchier than he had ever been talked to by anyone. Then we see that Cammy, fearing she had yet to do enough, straddles the delirious Tim and begins to grind her pelvis against his with her ample chest brushing his face. Gerald called it “one of the finest improvisational performances” that he’d ever witnessed and that he really supported what she was doing. Derek stood by open-mouthed, with a look of amazement that I believe was totally sincere. After time is called, Tim’s face and chest were flushed (from the thrill of the game, I’m sure) and his heart rate was measured at 78 bpm, with an increase of 18 beats. Dazed and bent forward at the waist, Tim stumbled out of the chair and assured us in confessional that he’d carry the image of Cammy’s “performance” to the grave.

    Tim and Cammy looked assured of victory until it was the models turn at bat. As the leggy red-head approached her friend, we caught only a glimpse of flesh and heard only a smidgen of conversation before the entire screen was pixilated and all audio was bleeped. I don’t know what the models did, but the looks on the observer’s faces looked blindingly similar to what the faces of the men on pervert row look like in any local strip joint on a Saturday night. In confessional, Eleanor likens the experience into walking into a house of horrors and swears she’ll be haunted by it, and Amanda hopes she never sees anything like it again. The men, on the other hand, seem supportive and Tim swears mid-performance, “Damn, they’re going to Mexico!” His confidence in their win is well-placed, as the models raise the seated member’s heart rate by 22 bpm, thus winning the overall competition by two out of three. Tim laments the fact that he and Cammy didn’t try the making out tactic as well, but seems to take the loss in stride.

    Meet My Folks…Again

    Later that night, it’s time for the women to go through what the men went through not long before. They have to meet Austin’s fictional parents. The budget-minded “Schmo Show” actually recycles the same actors that played Piper’s parents, this time having them switch roles. The actress playing the mother is now the reserved parent and Austin’s dad is a party animal.

    After making small talk in the sitting room, Derek arrives to hustle the parents and Austin off so that he can give the girls instructions regarding dinner. With the help of the infamous fax machine, they learn that they will be assigned a task to perform during dinner and if they fail, a bad fact will be revealed about them. Amanda is required to get Austin’s dad to tell of his first sexual experience and Eleanor must sit in his lap and call him “Daddy”. The other two girls have more difficult tasks as Ingrid must use, “fellatio” in three sentences throughout the course of dinner and Cammy must convince Austin’s mother to do a body shot from her belly button during dinner.

    From the way that things progress during dinner, I assume that the actors know whether they should or should not complete the task, but are told to improvise how to do it. Ingrid was the first to complete her task and performed like a champ. She managed to slip “fellatio” in unnoticed as she pretended to stumble over certain words. Of course, it probably helped that the actors were supposed to let it by unnoticed. Eleanor was next up, complaining that her chair was broken. She started going from chair to chair, trying them out like an elaborate Goldilocks production. Finally, as she was exiting the chair next to Austin’s dad, she pretended to stumble and land on his lap, crying out, “daddy!” as she landed.

    Cammy’s task was the most difficult. She clumsily interrupted the flow of conversation to start talking about doing shots and called for some to be brought into dinner. Austin’s mother acts a little miffed at this turn of events, but stays quiet as Cammy starts to describe doing body shots. Soon, Austin’s dad and Cammy are demonstrating for the group how to properly execute a body shot and are doing the equivalent of making out on the dinner table.

    Ingrid is so stunned by how far both of the actors go, that she starts to believe that she’s still being “punked”. She thinks that there is no way that Amanda could possibly be that gullible. Her suspicious mind begins to imagine that maybe Amanda is and actress too, planted from the beginning. Although that would have been a brilliant twist, I’m afraid Ingrid is just chasing shadows this time. Amanda really is that gullible.

    The rest of the scene was played so brilliantly, however, that any doubts Amanda might have had were wiped away. Dallas (Austin’s dad) started making incredibly inappropriate sexual comments about the girls and himself. Meanwhile, the mom acts disgusted and humiliated in his antics and the get into a fight that covers everything from sex to religion. The girls who are in on the joke look uncomfortable, so poor Amanda is just squirming in her uneasiness. Dallas asks her if she’s ok and she replies that she is just a little uncomfortable. He obviously decided that they are running out of time and launches into the story of this first sexual encounter to complete Amanda’s task without he having to even say anything.

    After some more uncomfortable body shot moments between Dallas and Cammy, Derek finally shows up on the scene. He explains the odd behavior of the girls to Austin’s parents and notes that Cammy was the only girl unable to complete her task. He ‘reveals’ her “Porked and Beans” video to the assembled crowd and Cammy pretends to be mortified. To her credit, the sweet-natured Amanda rushes to comfort Cammy as the video plays. In it, Cammy is show shrieking in orgasmic pleasure as she is immersed in a hot tub full of beans and hot dogs. Now I kind of wish I’d seen what the models were doing. I’d rather go to bed with that image then the images of all of that beany-goo all over Cammy. Gross.

    Austin’s mother is aghast, but Dallas tells Cammy she has nothing to be ashamed of. Cammy pretends to be humiliated as Amanda hugs her and the other girls assure Cammy that such a tape would never be shown on TV.

    The Eviction Ceremony

    As the contestants file in for this week’s Pearl Necklace Ceremony, they are all looking rather grim. They take their places and await Derek and Austin, who also appear quite somber. Derek asks the ladies if they have anything to say to Austin to convince him to stay. Cammy begins and says that she gets in trouble every time she opens her mouth, so she’s just going to keep her mouth shut this time. Tim raises his eyebrows at this, but makes no comment. Amanda offers that it was nice to meet his parents and Eleanor mentions again how she is looking forward to alone time with him. Ingrid’s statement centers around the fact that her deceased grandfather would have enjoyed Austin and would have thought him a worthy suitor for her. Austin appears to be annoyed, but when Derek asks him if he has anything to say, he declines.

    Instead, Austin launches straight into the ceremony, eliminating Ingrid. He comments that he doesn’t like that she would do anything to win. She seems upset, but doesn’t argue as she leaves the room. Everyone seems surprised by Austin’s selection of Ingrid, and he turns to offer them an explanation. He claims that when he called Ingrid’s home to offer his condolences, that her grandfather actually answered the phone. He says that he was hurt that Ingrid had lied and that’s why she had been eliminated. Amanda, who is quickly turning into the sweetheart of this show, quietly offered that she believed that Ingrid’s paternal grandfather had died and that her maternal grandfather was alive and actually lived with her parents. I have no idea if this tidbit of information was planted by Ingrid or not, but it worked out famously. Ingrid was able to leave in a cloud of suspicion with the question of whether she had been falsely accused.

    As for myself, I’ll miss Ingrid. Her insightfulness, intelligence, and candor would have been a refreshing change for any reality television show, but she was particularly appealing in this one. I’m holding out hope that another twist might bring her back.

    Tune in next week to find out. We are also told that a cast member will die. I heavily suspect Everett and the death donut, but we’ll just have to watch and find out.

    Wanna do body shots? Email me at stargazer@fansofrealitytv.com
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  2. #2
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stargazer
    I’m just hoping that her grandfather never watches this show, because while his own fraudulent death may not do him in, Cammy’s boobs have heart attack written all over them.

    Poor grandpa.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

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    FORT Fanatic getreal's Avatar
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    "Sex, Lies & Videotape"

    I prefer to think of episode 5 as "Sex, Lies & Videotape".

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    FORT Newbie boboc40's Avatar
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    This recap is tardy ! If you had posted it earlier than Thursday you might have more replies. All the replies are in Show Discussion. Which begs the question....why do people post during the show ? shouldn't they wait til its over and then "discuss" it ?

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    Christian,Mom,Teacher mom2's Avatar
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    Hmmm ... How rude.

    I want to say THANK YOU for an excellent recap. I missed the first part of it, and appreciate that you filled in the blanks so nicely.

    I also think that they've left a way for Ingrid to return, Austin could say that he wouldn't have eliminated her if he hadn't thought she'd lied, major drama, etc.
    I just hate that she's not there anymore, and I worry about her getting compensated for pitching in on the show. Yes, I worry about these things.
    "Quotes on the internet may not be accurate." - Abraham Lincoln

  6. #6
    eternal optimist Shazzer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stargazer
    For some reason, I’ve spelled the faux-host’s name differently in almost every recap. Derek, Derreck, Dereck, Derrek. I’ve tried them all.

    I really don’t think this part was scripted at all, as hands and hair were flying everywhere in the short, but ferocious smack down.

    Anyway, the models (who really look like they knew their way around either a tongue or a light switch, I’m not sure which) win the round by two licks.

    Getting A Heart-On-Cammy and Tim-Or as I like to call it, the “Bleeping Game”.

    Meet My Folks…Again
    Fabulous recap Star!! My favorite part is the "bleeping game".


    Quote Originally Posted by boboc40
    This recap is tardy ! If you had posted it earlier than Thursday you might have more replies. All the replies are in Show Discussion. Which begs the question....why do people post during the show ? shouldn't they wait til its over and then "discuss" it ?
    Boboc, these things don't write themselves. No one is a machine...yet. Someday, though, someday. Be happy that you even have a delicious Starmalicious recap to read. She willingly graces us with her fabulous take on this show every week, and I, for one, am grateful.
    "If you're like me, you have a 'been there, done that' attitude when it comes to paleolithic paleontology." - Jon Stewart

    "I swear, you are the ho-ho ho." - OTS

  7. #7
    FORT Regular daflyinelk's Avatar
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    Boboc, you try writing an episode summary to an hour show and still try to make it funny, entertaining, and informative. Then let's see how fast you get it out.

    BTW Stargazer, brilliant recap. Keep up the good work.
    Who I'm rooting for: Amazing Race's Colin and Christie, CHarla and Mirna, Bob and Joyce, Jim and Marsha, and Kami and Karli! Joe Schmo's Cammy, Ingrid, Tim, Bryce, and Rita!!!

  8. #8
    FORT Fanatic Elle's Avatar
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    Awesome recap, Star!

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    FORT Regular DementedMinx's Avatar
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    Ah yeah, I bet the frog bites the dust. Glad to see that Ingrid is gone.
    Pretty sure that "Cammy" is used to doing what she was doing to Tim, so her being good at it doesn't shock me.

  10. #10
    Emily and Rachel emily n rachel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DementedMinx
    Ah yeah, I bet the frog bites the dust. Glad to see that Ingrid is gone.
    Pretty sure that "Cammy" is used to doing what she was doing to Tim, so her being good at it doesn't shock me.
    Yeah, I get the feeling that she has done that a time or two - maybe even professionally (which is ok 'cause I still love her).

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