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Thread: Joe Schmo 2- 7/05/04 "When Parents Attack"

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    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Joe Schmo 2- 7/05/04 "When Parents Attack"

    Uniform Timeslots? Never Heard of Them.

    Before I begin this week’s recap, I would like to first have a word with The Powers That Be over at Spike TV. I just wanted to thank them for their brilliant decision to buck the system by creating the unusual timeslot where “Joe Schmo 2” now resides. Someone over there must have had the foresight to say, “Hey. We’re men, daggone it. Now is the time to let everyone see what real men do when they create a channel for men. We’ll start the shows five minutes late!”

    I know some of the audience may be questioning the wisdom of having a show start at 11:05pm on a Monday night. I myself had misgivings at first. I was particularly doubtful when my satellite steadfastly refused to record the last five minutes of the show because of the strange time that it ended. However, I didn’t realize that the peculiar timeslot would mean that I would be able to watch Pro-Wrestling for a full five minutes before Schmo. Now I’m all for it. Who can ever see enough of large spandex-clad men shouting at each other amidst showers of sweat and spittle? At least their acting is better than Cammy’s was last week.

    Anyway, as I waited patiently through the antics of Triple H (which sounds like a ranch to me) and his fellow “rasslers”, it seemed that the match was lasting longer than I expected. I flipped over to my satellite menu and saw that not only was it spilling over into the Schmo timeslot, but that the promised (and much-hyped) 90 minute episode had been whittled down to 60 minutes. So, if you were hoping to see the cameo by Matt Gould or advice about the ladies from Gerald, pray for the full-length version to be released when they begin the reruns.

    The Most Dramatic Pearl Necklace Ceremony EVER! this week

    As you may recall, last week the show ended during the Pearl Necklace Ceremony, when Austin was about to make his decision between Ingrid and Ambrosia. This week’s episode picks up from that moment and Austin quickly chooses Ingrid as the Falcon and Frog look on. As Ambrosia weeps crocodile tears, Austin explains to her that although he felt a connection, he had talked to some of the other girls who had convinced him that she was a, “f***ing b*tch”. Ingrid looks torn between suspicion and laughter as she listens to Derreck “inadvertently” address Ambrosia as “Omarosa” when he asks for her parting words.

    Ambrosia throws a classic reality TV tantrum, laced with expletives and forced tears. She tosses her beauty queen crown at Austin as she screams about coming in as the “third runner-up” and says that the whole show is a “joke”. Although she raises her eyebrows, Ingrid somehow manages not laugh aloud at this over-the-top outburst and stays quiet as Derreck tries to calm the “hysterical” Ambrosia. Ingrid can’t stifle her giggles for long, though, as she begins to listen to what Derreck is actually saying.

    “How could you say something like that? This has been a remarkable journey. A blackball eviction ceremony where the evicted contestants were cast just the day before by Hollywood agents and Ernie’s uncanny ability to guess how many needy orphans he needed to adopt?”

    As Ingrid breaks down in laughter, he goes on to list other shaky moments in the show, including the rehearsed sounding speeches and Cammy’s performance. He adds that Austin’s “chiseled countenance” has to belong to an actor and points out his own obviously dyed hair, capped teeth and pompous British accent. At this last, he removes his false teeth and starts speaking normally.

    As Ingrid looks around in amused bewilderment, “Derreck/Ralph” tries to ease her return from Oz by explaining the premise of the show. The rest of the cast files in as he explains the joke and tells her that she has actually been surrounded by actors the entire time. Ingrid is just happy to learn that she was right and isn’t as crazy as she was beginning to think she was. Ralph applauds her sleuthing and tells her that they want to make her an intriguing offer. He explains that she hasn’t been the only one fooled, because Tim isn’t an actor either. Ingrid quickly interrupts that she suspected this information. Now, Ingrid is a clever girl, but I have to wonder if this brilliant deduction was made just because Tim was the only other person that wasn’t at the ceremony.

    Ralph tells Ingrid that she has the choice of either being eliminated and taken off the show or she can stay on, receive a script, and become one of the “characters” of the show. He goes on to say that if she is able to make it to the end of the show without screwing up or blowing her cover, then she will receive $100,000. Easy money, in the world of reality TV, really. She mulls it over for a moment as Derreck replaces his glasses and false teeth and then cheerfully decides to play along. All of the actors cheer and run over to welcome the woman who had been making their jobs so tough. Ingrid begs them all to stop acting like lunatics because she thought she had been losing her mind. Especially after Cammy’s confession about “Porked and Beans”. Cammy takes this opportunity to squeal that she isn’t really stupid, she just has big boobs. Personally, I think that issue is still debatable.

    Ingrid Sees Behind The Curtain

    That night, members of the production staff meet with Ingrid to go over her script. She attends her first production meeting the next day while Tim is sequestered in his room. As the producers explain Ingrid’s new role to everyone, we are shown a confessional from Jon Huertas, the actor that plays, “T.J.”. Jon confesses to having reservations about Ingrid’s inclusion. He says that it’s hard enough to fool people with a team of trained improvisational actors. Yeah Jon, you people were doing a real bang-up job of it. Ingrid knew something was up the very first episode. My guess is she’ll be fine.

    Being adept at basic math, the producers quickly realize that their “Schmo” count is now down to one. They decide to hold a new Falcon Twist that includes Piper and Austin. As Derreck pretends to explain the Falcon Twist to the newcomers, Ingrid is looking relaxed for the first time the entire game. She smiles like the cat of the canary fame as Derreck calls Montecore down for the twist. Determined to have his revenge on the show he obviously despises, Montecore barely misses the top of Tim’s head as he swoops down. He lands on the gauntlet and Derreck pulls off the card to read. Derreck reveals that another contestant will be added to the game. He leads them inside and tells Piper and Austin that they must decide together which door to open. A man stands behind one door and a woman behind the other. Whichever door they chose, that person would then enter the game as a contestant.

    Obviously, there was probably a woman behind both doors, but the door chosen by our dynamic duo contained the lovely Amanda, a bubbly brunette. Amanda is shown in her first confessional, talking about her nerves with the title, “Thank god she thinks its all real” and then “Hopefully she won’t figure it out”. She is met with open arms from the other “contestants” and seems happy to be there. She had actually met Ingrid at the initial casting call and bonds with her immediately.

    The cast gives us their impressions of Amanda during confessionals. They all say that Amanda fit right in and seems to be easy to get along with (i.e. gullible). In Austin’s confessional, he points out that Ingrid and Amanda have two totally different personality types. Ingrid is inquisitive by nature and always trying to figure everything out while Amanda is just out to have a good time.

    I have to stop here just a second to give my thoughts on Austin. Or the actor playing him anyway. Apparently, I have a bias against the “pretty” people of the world because I am always shocked by Austin’s confessionals. I mean, he's not a genius, but he is rather witty and insightful. It’s as if a poodle has suddenly turned to me and started quoting Thoreau. I guess with his Adonis-like features, I expect the actor playing Austin to say nothing beyond an occasional, “Dude, she’s hot.”

    Another Reason This Show is On Cable

    After Amanda has settled in, the contestants are assembled in the courtyard in their standard robe and swimsuit uniform. Derreck tells them that the fictitious show they are on, “Last Chance for Love” was originally shown in England and that they are about to play his favorite game from that show, “Bangers and Mash”. He welcomes a lovely bikini-clad model named Tiffany who has a seat in a large steel tub. As the crew begins to pour mashed potatoes over her body, Derreck shows them a container of sausages (FYI, “bangers” is British slang for sausages) and explains what they will be doing. The bangers will be buried in the mash (mashed potatoes) surrounding Tiffany. One by one, the contestants have to retrieve a banger using their mouth only and place it in the bun of one of their competitors. The last suitor with an empty bun wins a vacation and private time with Austin or Piper.

    In confessional, Derreck (aka Ralph) notes that this was the first opportunity they had to see Amanda in action. He says that there is no better way to get a read on a girl than to shove her head in mashed potatoes and watch her deep throat a sausage. Um, I’ll take no comment for a thousand here, Alex. Anyway, he gets his chance, as Amanda has no qualms about sticking her face in to find one. Cammy, on the other hand, pretends to be upset about her hair (or may have actually been, who knows?) and is eliminated quickly. Most of the others are also out within a short amount of time. Tim is the last to fall victim to Gerald, who is skilled at finding and transporting the sausages. Then again, I’m not sure that Tim was really trying to win. He seemed to be content diving into the mash above Tiffany’s stomach and making her squeal and giggle. I think Tim found it a worthy sacrifice.

    Derreck congratulates Gerald and award him with the Spa Vacation and the private date. He jokingly says that Gerald has his choice of spending quality time with either Austin or Piper and Gerald pretends to waffle over his decision. He finally chooses Piper and the contestants leave to get cleaned up.

    Meet the Parents

    We next see the ladies being escorted by Austin on a group date to a Spa where they are treated to manicures and pedicures. Amanda muses that Austin has a great sense of humor, which is the number one requirement for her in the men she dates. She says that she could definitely see herself dating him.

    The men, meanwhile, are back at the mansion being introduced to Piper’s parents, Betty and Frank Davidson. Tim was shocked and clearly nervous. “Frank” didn’t help matters as he came in and played the stern, outspoken father. He asked them about their intentions toward Piper and did his best to but the fear of God in the men. Tim was cute as he earnestly tried to connect with Frank and make a good impression. Bryce was convincing as the creepy stalker as he mumbled about never wanting to hurt Piper. Next, Tim had to have one on one time with Frank. “Mr. Davidson” asked him if he had been sexually active, which had the desired effect of sending Tim into a long moment of embarrassed muttering. He finally recovers and thinks the time went well.

    Back at the salon, we are told Ingrid has been given an assignment. Since Ingrid was able to see through Cammy’s story about the “Porked and Beans” video, it was decided that her first test would be to see if she could sell that same story to Amanda. Ingrid does a brilliant job, scooting up close to Amanda and telling the story in a low whisper. Amanda buys in and decides in confessional that Ingrid cannot be trusted. Mission accomplished, Ingrid.

    Who Wants To Be Embarrassed in Front of My Dad?

    The men are still with Piper’s dad back at the mansion when a stripper is brought in the room for no apparent reason. “Tabitha” is dressed (if you can call it that) as a nurse in a g-string, thigh-highs, and white bikini top and begins to give the men lap dances. Gerald is first up and his dancing is so innocent and silly that Tim calls it “sensitive”. T.J., on the other hand, leans back on the couch and enjoys his to the hilt. Tim looks terribly uncomfortable and embarrassed throughout. He offers polite applause, but avoids having a dance of his own.

    Soon after, Frank leaves the room and the fax machine beeps. Derreck reads the message as he presents several large manila envelopes. Fans of the “Who Wants to Marry/Date/etc my Son/Dad/Daughter/etc probably know what is happening here, but for everyone else, the rules are simple. The envelopes contain bad facts about the men. The guys will be given a task to do during dinner. Should they fail, the fact will be revealed. T.J.’s task is to kiss Piper’s Mom on the lips. Bryce is supposed to stick his tongue in Piper’s ear, Gerald has to tell them the story of how he lost his virginity and Tim is supposed to use the word, “cunnilingus” in three sentences. The men try to figure out which one is the most difficult and T.J. claims that having to kiss the mom is the worst. Gerald says, “I’m surprised you haven’t already.”

    At Dinner, T.J. accomplishes his task early by taking a photograph of himself with Piper and her mother. He sneaks a kiss when the shot is taken. Tim is aghast, but clearly relieved that Piper’s Dad didn’t take his steak knife to anyone. Gerald is next up, pretends to chicken out with his story, and fails his task. Tim then tries his hand at his own task. He nearly chokes on the word during his one attempt and despite the men’s best efforts; they cannot get him to go through with the task.

    Derreck soon enters with the bad “facts”. He reveals a picture of Gerald dressed as a woman. Gerald uses the old “lost a bet” excuse but Tim begins to question whether being in drag might be Gerald’s natural state. Gerald’s secret is quickly forgotten, however, when they are shown video of Bryce’s bad fact. He is shown trying to hypnotize the innocent Piper into falling in love with him. Frank pretends to be furious about this revelation and Bryce insists that it was manipulation by the production staff just to make him look bad. Frank says that he finds the whole thing creepy anyway. Next, Tim is shown on video giving his lap dance to Gerald. He explained that it was all in the game and was met with a withering look from Frank.

    Interrupting the men’s apologies, Derreck announces that after dinner, the men will be subjected to lie detector tests where Frank and Betty can ask whatever they want. They adjoin to the lie detector room, where Frank gives the guys a stern lecture about their lack of respect at dinner. The actor playing Frank admits to feeling bad about creating tension in the scene by being a wet blanket on the party. The tests soon begin and we are told by means of a disclaimer that the results are all faked except in the case of Tim. His answers are all true results. I am listing the men’s results with a for a truthful response and a for a lie.

    Bryce
    Q-If Piper wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, would that be a problem for you?
    A-No
    Q-Do you want to sleep with my daughter?
    A-Yes
    Q-If Piper were disfigured, would you still love her?
    A-Yes


    Tim points out that a better question might have been if Bryce had ever been arrested for being a stalker.

    T.J.
    Q-If Piper wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, would that be a problem for you?
    A-No
    Q-Have you ever lied to a woman to procure sex?
    A-No
    Q-If Piper’s father needed a kidney, would you be willing to donate one?
    A-No


    Gerald
    Q-If Piper wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, would that be a problem for you?
    A-Yes
    Q-Of all the women in the house, are you most attracted to Piper?
    A-Of all the women? Yes.
    Q-Do you want to sleep with my daughter?
    A-Yes


    Tim realizes that Gerald’s answers are very strange for a heterosexual man and questions Gerald’s orientation again.

    Tim
    Q-Are you intimidated by me?
    A-No
    Q-Have you ever been unfaithful to a girlfriend?
    A-Yes
    Q-If Piper wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, would that be a problem for you?
    A-Yes
    Q-Of all the women in the house, are you most attracted to Piper?
    A-Yes
    Q-Do you want to sleep with my daughter?
    A-Yes
    Q-If Piper’s father needed a kidney, would you be willing to donate one?
    A-Yes


    After the tests are complete, Betty announces that they have chosen Gerald for immunity at that night’s elimination because they feel he is least likely to take advantage of Piper.

    Elimination Ceremony

    At the elimination, the final two are Bryce and Tim. When Piper calls Tim’s name, Bryce begins to weep quietly. Piper tells him that the chemistry just wasn’t there as he begins to sob louder. The women all look like they feel sorry for him as Piper tell him there’s another woman out there for him. Bryce breaks down sobbing incoherently as he says that she’s doing something crazy by eliminating him. Derreck finally insists that he leaves and Bryce gives Piper a tearful, desperate hug goodbye.

    Join me next week as Tim learns where Cammy’s true talents lie. We might even be lucky enough to see some more Triple H action.

    Want to explain to me that this show is a fraud and that I should be more aware of the role editing plays in reality TV? Email me at Stagazer@fansofrealitytv.com
    Last edited by Ilikai; 07-07-2004 at 10:12 PM.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

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    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stargazer

    Cammy takes this opportunity to squeal that she isn’t really stupid, she just has big boobs. Personally, I think that issue is still debatable.
    That had me laughing my butt off.

    Great job, Star.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

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    God Bless America! Rumpshaker's Avatar
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    Stargazer, I'm not worthy!! I'm not worthy!! I always look forward to your hysterical recaps and find myself hanging on every word. I get sad when they come to an end. Man, now I've gotta wait a whole week for the next one? Hmpf!

    You're awesome, Girlfriend! Loved it. Thanks for all your hard work!

    Mockingbird ......
    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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    FORT Fanatic Elle's Avatar
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    Great recap, Stargazer.

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    FORT Regular DementedMinx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dagwood
    That had me laughing my butt off.

    Great job, Star.
    Haha yeah, I loved that too, it's totally true.

  6. #6
    FORT Fanatic getreal's Avatar
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    You missed the whole "Mockingbird" key word Bryce used when trying to hypnotize Piper. During his tearful eviction he desperately said "Mockingbird" two or three times, then again during his final hug with Piper.
    Seems to me these will be key points to remember ...

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    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Great job, Star! You're always so funny. I'm sorry you had to endure televised wrestling to figure out when this came on. There's a special place in recapper heaven for such self-sacrifice.

    I'm quoting some of my favorite lines, but the poodle one was especially good.

    Now is the time to let everyone see what real men do when they create a channel for men. We’ll start the shows five minutes late!”

    the antics of Triple H (which sounds like a ranch to me)

    Cammy takes this opportunity to squeal that she isn’t really stupid, she just has big boobs. Personally, I think that issue is still debatable.

    It’s as if a poodle has suddenly turned to me and started quoting Thoreau.

    He says that there is no better way to get a read on a girl than to shove her head in mashed potatoes and watch her deep throat a sausage. Um, I’ll take no comment for a thousand here, Alex.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

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    FORT Regular Flash-57's Avatar
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    I know some of the audience may be questioning the wisdom of having a show start at 11:05pm on a Monday night.
    It doesn't bother me, my VCR simply records the show in it's normal, Tuesday slot. So I watch the show a day later than most of you. It's no big deal (but at least I get to see the final five minutes!).
    -- Flash

  9. #9
    Neutiquam erro kitschcakes's Avatar
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    Because I am SOOO smart, I realized I saw the same episode as you guys did and have no spoilers. Well, other than I got to see the Unedited 90 minute episode, as opposed to the 60 minute one.

    My favorite sequence that ended up on cutting room floor was the "School of Gerald" where Gerald tries to "teach" the Rico Suave guy how to be...less...RicoSuave and more...someone the chickadee's parents would like (gay). It was hilarious!

  10. #10
    eternal optimist Shazzer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stargazer
    Uniform Timeslots? Never Heard of Them.

    However, I didn’t realize that the peculiar timeslot would mean that I would be able to watch Pro-Wrestling for a full five minutes before Schmo.

    At least their acting is better than Cammy’s was last week.

    The Most Dramatic Pearl Necklace Ceremony EVER! this week

    Ingrid looks torn between suspicion and laughter as she listens to Derreck “inadvertently” address Ambrosia as “Omarosa” when he asks for her parting words.

    Now, Ingrid is a clever girl, but I have to wonder if this brilliant deduction was made just because Tim was the only other person that wasn’t at the ceremony.

    Cammy takes this opportunity to squeal that she isn’t really stupid, she just has big boobs. Personally, I think that issue is still debatable.

    They all say that Amanda fit right in and seems to be easy to get along with (i.e. gullible).

    It’s as if a poodle has suddenly turned to me and started quoting Thoreau.

    Another Reason This Show is On Cable

    Um, I’ll take no comment for a thousand here, Alex.

    I think Tim found it a worthy sacrifice.

    We might even be lucky enough to see some more Triple H action.
    Some truly hilarious lines, Star!!! Great recap!! I love all the finite details and descriptors in your recaps!! Absolutely fantastic, sarcastic, and amazing!!

    And ahhh...the curse and/or reward of Pro-Wrestling. My favorite line ever: the poodle quoting Thoreau!! Priceless!!!

    Truly fantastic, wonderful job!! You make me want to watch the show. Is it this funny or is it all Star?
    "If you're like me, you have a 'been there, done that' attitude when it comes to paleolithic paleontology." - Jon Stewart

    "I swear, you are the ho-ho ho." - OTS

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