Twists and Turns
Episode Seven – Recap
Your intrepid reporter joins you this week not from my usual home, but instead from a not so plush hotel room on the outskirts of Atlanta. I am still trying to figure out how I ended up on a business trip during the most important week of the Joe Millionaire saga. However, much like Evan, I am not going to be making any money off this show in the future, so I suppose some attention to my non-fairy tale existence is in order.
This week, we finally get to see who Evan has chosen, what her reaction is, and of course, the big twist. But first, we will be subjected to an hour or so of the “secrets of the women of Joe Millionaire”, or at least the secrets of the women who were willing to return the frantic phone calls of a production team, who were faced with the challenge of stretching 45 minutes of material over three hours and two weeks.
Will this story have a happy conclusion? Which one of the Internet rumors about the ‘big-twist’ will prove to be true? Is Paul a battered old snake? Will MoJo’s eyebrows just up and fall off one day? Can you ever really get enough of watching Sarah and Melissa shorten their lives with every puff, yet have time to dish gossip about the other contestants?
These questions, and more, will be answered if you read on. No really, I am not kidding this week… trust me!
Paul, With the Tail of the Tape
We join Paul in front of the fire. He acknowledges that people were upset about not learning the choice last week, so I assume that this intro was put together in the past few days. Glad to see that Paul is still getting work.
He tells us that Evan will choose between humble Zora and seductive Sarah. Then there will be a big twist that even Evan will not see coming. Well, that statement is new. The twist will involve Evan, but what will it be?
The FORT message boards have been rampant with speculation, everything from suspicion that everyone on the show is an actor, to suggestions that the producers will make the happy couple millionaires. I was tired of hearing about the big twist, and was ready to see if it was in fact ‘big’, or given that this is FOX, was there even a twist at all.
We didn’t have time to get to that yet though, as there was still a lot of review material left in the tins, so lets refresh our collective memories…
Hey, Weren’t You On TV Once?
We are reintroduced to Dana. She confesses that she fell for Evan’s story, even though something didn’t feel right about it. We don’t really learn what it was that didn’t feel right, but she seems very sincere. Dana also confesses that she likes tall men, and Evan at 6’5” was very attractive.
Dana was disappointed that she didn’t continue on, especially given that most of the other ladies still in the game assumed she was an automatic pick. She says Evan wasn’t intimidated by her looks, but may have been intimidated by her mind, and everything else that she was. I spent a bit of time trying to decipher that comment given that she didn’t display a Mensa Membership card on camera, but I couldn’t figure it out. I guess you will have to lump me in the growing number of people intimidated by Dana’s mind.
Next up is the rock star wanna be, Mary. I remembered being disappointed that Mary didn’t make it past the first night and with her performance on the show. She looked like quite a cutie in her promotional pictures. You remember Mary right? She wore the hideous sunglasses to every meeting with Evan.
Mary wants to set the record straight. She said she has a great sense of humor, and that Evan didn’t see that side of her personality. Well, he might not have seen the sense of humor Mary, but you can take heart in the fact that you did indeed make him laugh… just not the way you had it planned I suppose. The sunglasses were a bad choice. Lesson learned? If you are going to wear tacky accessories, go with one of MoJo’s hats.
Given Evan’s appreciation for Sarah’s ‘skills’, perhaps Mary would had done well to share with Evan her hidden talents, including being a former hula hoop champion. We see several shots of Mary in accelerated speed hula’ing… or is it hula’izing? In either case, Mary is very talented.
Katy joins us, and at first, I didn’t recognize her at first. She looked 100% better on this show than she was able to in her short time with Evan at the beginning of the program. She shares that she knew something was wrong when bungled the middle name question. She lost respect for him because he couldn’t even pull off a good lie.
She says that she doesn’t like dishonest men. I am glad we cleared that up, because really, there are so many women out there search for a good dishonest man that will be relieved to hear that Katy has taken herself out of the running.
Next up, we catch up with Katie. Yes, the other Katie, this one with an ‘ie’ at the end and a medical degree on the wall. Katie assures us that she was there to have fun, and that she did indeed enjoy herself. Katie didn’t question Evan’s riches. She was disappointed that she didn’t get to know Evan better.
We visit with Katie at her office, and she does come across as enjoying her work. I doubt that Katie has a difficult time finding people to date.
Amanda, one of the flight attendants from the original group makes a rather startling observation: “Evan likes big breasts”. She feels that nearly all of his selections were based on that criteria. Now Amanda, we know from Evan’s dinner date with Melissa that he is a leg man! How can you slander him like that?
Evan focused on breasts… Really? There is just no credible evidence of that. Look back at the hot tub scene (and I have several times, being the dedicated servant to the FORT that I am). Sure it may have seemed like Evan was gawking at Sarah’s barely covered endowment, but we all know that was just editing, and that he was actually staring longingly back at a departing Zora… and wondering what she looked like without the tank top on...
On second thought, point taken Amanda.
Amanda, who apparently feels that her breasts were non-competitive, continues on to say that she was open to starting a good relationship, and that while money didn’t matter, an interest in travel was important. She finishes by saying, “I didn’t miss out on anything.” Two great observations Amanda, good luck to you.
Finally, we come to the last of the also rans to be profiled, Dayana. She lets us know that she expected to meet prince charming, but instead she got Evan. A funny opening salvo.
She isn’t done yet though, as she reminds us all of the ball dress fiasco in the first episode, and that she was stuck with a “piece of sh*t purple dress.” Clearly, Dayana and I have a different idea of what looks good on her. I thought that the purple dress was the only thing she looked presentable in during the entire show.
As suspected, Dayana is indeed a self-proclaimed princess, and expects to be treated that way. She shares her appreciation of tight, short, and unique clothing, whereupon we watch her dressed as such roller-skating. I am relatively certain that you could not get any tighter or shorter. Ah, the miracles of modern spandex.
Alison, Master of 1000 Scowls
We come back from commercial and find Pau sitting in front of the fire. He wonders if the women to whom Evan had given at least one piece of jewelry liked him for his money, or for his “hot bod”.
After taking a quick run outside to let out a primal scream in horror at the spectacle of Paul referring to Evan’s “hot bod” (I suppose I will get a few looks at the ‘free’ continental breakfast tomorrow morning), I recover long enough to see Alison on the screen.
Alison was quite an enigma during her time with Evan. She didn’t seem to feel any connection to him, yet despite her multiple protestations to the contrary, she definitely appeared upset to have gotten the boot that night on the party boat.
We review several scenes from that day on the boat with Evan when he asked her if she wanted to continue on with the process, and she answered that no she didn’t think so. You might recall that after that conversation, they both opened up quite a bit and enjoyed their time together. However, in this case we see the events prior to that talk, and Alison looks even more distant than what was originally aired. I can see now what Evan was so blunt with his question.
Alison’s attitude is explained a bit when she says that Evan wasn’t her dream come true. Further, she was very offended by Evan’s failure to appreciate fine French food, or even goat cheese for that matter, because as she says, “everyone likes goat cheese”.
I am guessing that her next gig is as spokeswoman for the National Goat Cheese Board. “Goat cheese… four out of five lying bastards surveyed love it!”
She finishes her thoughts by saying that no amount of money would be enough for her to date Evan. Hmmm… No amount of money? I have my doubts, regardless, I will have to recommend to Evan that he take her off the Christmas card list this year.
MoJo, Master of 1000 Hats
Who could forget MoJo? Not I, and trust me, I tried. She’s back, and in the immortal words of Tim Robbins in Bull Durham, she is announcing her presence with authority. “I got the MoJo working!”
MoJo restates her strategy, that being to get Evan’s attention, and to keep it. We relive the cowboy hat and her conversation hogging on the train ride. Finally, we return to the night of the poem. A poem that sealed her fate.
MoJo assures us that she was there for love, and that if Evan felt she was a gold digger, then he didn’t know her at all. She feels that there is a big difference between gold digging and wanting to meet a man who is financially stable. Further, she is definitely looking for her companion in life, and that would include marriage, so if someone isn’t ready for that, then she is moving on.
I hope in that moving on process she will take the time to stop freakishly moving her eyebrows up and down. I have to think that it is some kind of uncontrollable skin reaction to all that eye glitter. I am secure enough in my man card status to confess that it scares me.
Melissa, Master of 1000 Oh My God(s)!
Melissa’s series of highlights focuses on her constant use of the phrase, “Oh my God!” We learn more about her, including the fact that she worked as a bartender to put herself through college, though I suspect that college is actually Bartender School.
Melissa tells us that she had a gut feeling that he wasn’t “real”. However, she found him so charming that it didn’t seem to matter.
She claims that the most fun she had with Evan was during their time in the kitchen making dinner. That statement seemed to conflict with my recollection of the date, and her comments during it. To address those concerns though, she says that while she doesn’t know how to cook, that fact doesn’t make her a bad woman.
I am glad we got that cleared up, as for all of these years I have ignored all other aspects of a woman, and simply focused on her cooking skills to decide if I liked her or not. Thank you Melissa. From now on I will try to look at the whole person, and not just their all encompassing macaroni and cheese skills… you have really opened my eyes. Who says this show wasn’t educational?
Wait a Minute… Where Did Heidi Go?
Once again, Paul assures us that Evan’s final decision will be made tonight. I am guessing that the general outrage from last week was heard clearly back at the Fox corporate office, though I still don’t doubt that they had every intention to string us along.
Speaking of fake losers… Heidi is our next topic.
Rather than talk to her, instead we witness Katy saying that the number one question she is asked in interviews involves Heidi. “Is she as awful in person as she is on TV?” To which Katy feels she would have to answer affirmative.
Several scenes of all the women slamming on Heidi later, we finally catch up with a very content Heidi, who says that she is now living with the boyfriend who had caused so much of a stir back in the chateau.
We meet the boyfriend, whose name coincidentally is Joe. He says that she has a great body, kind of like a stripper. We see Heidi dancing around a pole, and I find that my premonitions of that from earlier recaps are even scarier to see in real life.
Joe has a lot of trust for Heidi. Hmmm… if you listen real close, you can hear kitties meowing in the background when Joe is on screen.
Heidi, always looking to build a good relationship, tells us that she wears the trousers in this relationship, but that she likes to let him feel like he is. I think it must be hard to be such a giving person, yet somehow Heidi is willing to make that sacrifice for the man in her life.
Me Like Bulldozer… and Cheeseburger Too”
We interrupt the recap of ladies to learn a little more about Evan himself.
I can’t get enough of watching Evan and champagne bottles. He is a natural born killer with those corks, and we watch a highlight real of his best shots. Evan assures us that he has had his fill of champagne, so hopefully that means that the needless maiming will finally stop.
We meet Evan’s parents, and see the home he grew up in. Evan was raised in a typical all-American household. He was a thin child, who didn’t bulk up until he was introduced to steroids,,, er, weightlifting, at military school.
Much like in the first episode, we meet some of Evan’s friends, who are all there to assure us that he is a genuine guy. Tom says that Evan would never lie to a woman outside of the game. Steven talks about the real Evan, a man who enjoys his cheeseburgers. Finally, Erik knows that Evan really is looking for true love.
There is nothing more touching than seeing a group of guys getting together and sharing their deep feelings for each other. I can just see them gathered around the construction site campfire, holding hands, and sharing their innermost thoughts.
As if this isn’t torture enough, my screen fills with the Evan male wrestler/stripper catalog photos that I had worked so hard to avoid viewing prior to this point. I feel the need to wash my eyes out with Clorox.
Evan says that he didn’t find modeling very fulfilling, and I can see how that could be given the poses he had to use.
What’s Wrong With a Little Friendly Bondage Among Friends?
We turn our sights toward the final two ladies. First, we take a closer look at Sarah, who in Paul’s words, “has no problem keeping a man’s attention.”
We see Sarah wandering the streets of LA, window-shopping. She looks quite good, and as she strolls, she begins to relate the story of how she came to be cast on Joe Millionaire. A friend referred her to a casting agent because she felt Sarah had the right attitude to go far on the show. I begin to wonder if these two are still friends now… but apparently they are, or that is a stunt friend sitting next to her.
Dana gets in a final shot by accusing Sarah of being overly competitive, and implying that her jaunt in the woods with Evan was a manifestation of that need to win.
Sarah disagrees, and tells us that the walk in the woods was innocent and romantic. At this point the producers can’t resist, and they take the opportunity to drop in a couple more ‘slurps’ and ‘gulps’ to refresh our memories.
To the issue of the bondage videos and photos, Sarah is up front and says that she had a lot of student loans to cover, and while in this town, she is approached daily for some very raunchy work, she found this topic to be harmless.
Interspersed throughout this discussion are various bondage photos. We can’t even tell if they are Sarah’s, for no faces are shown. Here is where I started laughing because each photo is given the caption “simulated”.
Simulated? Isn’t that what Sarah already did? Or are these simulated simulated bondage photos? Ah yes, the simulated simulated bondage photos are okay for TV… just don’t even think about showing those simulated photos. Obviously if this was HBO, all of those problems go out the window.
Zora Day in Lambertville
We meet the Mayor of Zora’s hometown who assures us that he will name a day in her honor should she win. I have to wonder if this guy watched a minute of the show, for that statement alone may well be political suicide.
Zora’s friend assures us that she really is as pure as wind driven snow, perhaps even more so. Yes, Zora works with the elderly, loves her job as a substitute teacher, cares deeply for all of God’s creatures, and probably has already spent time bathing those poor starving third world children that Melissa lovingly referred to.
In other words, I am sick of how sweet and kind Zora is. I’ve had it! She can’t be this good right? If I had to guess at who would have done the bondage photos, it would have been Zora. The good ones always have the deep hidden secrets.
Zora shows us that she almost burned down her apartment by running the gas stove to keep the place warm. She also considered selling some of her jewelry to help a sick aunt in Europe. A child attests to how well Zora cared for his grandmother.
I’ve decided that Zora is like chocolate, it is really sweet and very good, but too much of it just gives you a headache.
So Who Wins Again?
Finally, after working our way through two hours and two weeks of review, we finally begin the final episode.
I look forward to getting right into the action, because really, no further reviews are necessary right? We’ve already learned everything there is to know about these people, and gosh knows we have now seen every single moment of video taken during the course of the show.
So let’s get to it!
Yes, we begin with the standard recap opening followed by the deep announcer voice walking us through what happened last week. The truth is that this summary of last week was faster and more entertaining than the crap-fest we endured at the time.
Zora and Sarah are at breakfast sharing their thoughts with us alone. Zora is uncomfortable. No news there. Sarah is confident. She says that this is her “game”, and that her co-finalist is very naive. This is the point where I realize Zora is going to win.
Skip ahead to Paul arriving at Zora’s door. He asks her to join Evan in the grande salon. It seems clear that this will be a one on one meeting.
Meanwhile we see Evan, and he confesses that he has made up his mind. He is sure that his choice is the right lady for him, and now he is concerned with telling her the entire truth.
Evan begins his conversation with Zora saying that it has been an incredible journey, but that he and Zora have been on a roller coaster ride emotionally. At first he didn’t know if they had something together, because their date in Paris was horrible. The Disney date was perfect he says, and the trip to Corisca was a little up and down. All of this is meant to convince us that he was going to dump her, but we know better.
He continues and says that he saw something in her. She’s at ease with who she is, and she cares about other people.
This is the big moment. Evan cares about this woman. Her may even love her. For some odd reason she seems to very much care for him.
What words can he use to express those strong feelings?
“I’ve chosen you.”
Damn, he really knows how to sweep a woman off her feet!
Zora is quite happy though.
There is more to tell, and now is the time for the big lie to be revealed. He tells Zora that he didn’t inherit $50 Million dollars, and that he doesn’t even have $50 Thousand dollars for that matter. He is a heavy equipment operator.
Zora’s look at this moment is the “money shot” for this show. Yet, Zora is not going to be the lady who gives them what they hoped for. She is not mad, she is not going to cry or storm out of the room. She simply gives Evan a look that says she knew that she should not have trusted him.
Evan says that he was sorry to have lied to her. He knows how much trust means to her. I give Evan credit here, for there was little else he could say, but I believed him.
The true question though was would Zora believe him?
Evan asks her to take the day to think about the relationship and meet him in the ball room that night If she would like to continue. He hopes that she will show up that night, but knows she may well chose not to.
Zora leaves without a word.
You May Like ‘Stringy’ Things, But I Didn’t Pick You
Paul arrives at Sarah’s room where she is preparing for her discussion with Evan, and he asks her to join Evan downstairs.
Evan tells her that he wants to say two things. First that he has good feelings for her. He loved all of their dates, including the Tango, the wine tasting, and that walk in the woods. He even says that he cannot think of a time together that he didn’t enjoy her company.
Sarah is smiling, she knows she is going to win.
Then Evan tells her about being poor. The smile is still there, but I think it could best be described as forced… or plastered in place.
Sarah asks him if he felt that she was concerned with the money. Evan doesn’t respond, and instead decides to let her down gently…
“I haven’t chosen you.”
That’s it. No explanation. No response to her question. No other words at all.
As the uncomfortable silence kicks in, Sarah finally says that she thought it was an adventure. They hug, and depart.
I sincerely hope this was edited down for time (why, I don’t know). If not, then I would recommend that Evan change his name to Dick.
This woman literally laid it all on the line for him, and he doesn’t even take the time to explain to her why she wasn’t chosen. I almost feel sorry for Sarah… almost…
To the home viewers, Evan displays the intuition he had shown throughout the game when he confesses that he didn’t pick Sarah because he thought she was more into Joe Millionaire than she would be Evan Constructionbigmaceatingguy.
Cancer Twins Revisited
Paul brings Melissa up to the room to try to cheer up Sarah. I assume that she has been hanging out in Paul’s room helping him with all manner of things.
Melissa doesn’t even toss out an “Oh My God” when Sarah tells her about Evan’s lack of riches. She immediately wonders if the jewelry is real. She seems to be taking this harder than Sarah did.
Melissa begins to rant, noting that money doesn’t make you suave, charming, or even give you class. I have to wonder what the heck she means by that given her early comments that Evan is very charming… hmmm… was Evan charming? Which is it?
Sarah is getting worked up now as well, and I think someone ought to check the contents of those cigarettes they smoke. She says that Evan is a big loser with out any money. Probably true, but again I note that her opinion of Evan was significantly different pre-lie.
Sarah is “pissed”. She attempts to whisper to Melissa some details of her sexual encounters with Evan. True to form, FOX interprets for us, and we get a nice subtitled version of the conversation.
Sarah finally asks if she “looked bad” for doing those things with Evan. Hmmm… well Sarah, yes you did, though I am puzzled why you would be concerned given your other artistic credits.
Melissa notes that Zora can’t be taking this well. She doesn’t handle manipulation well and she has been lied too…
Little Big Twist
Back in the ball room, Evan waits patiently.
Will Zora return? Will she do so only long enough to tell him where he can park his bulldozer and then storm out?
We get the usual dramatic music and tense waiting.
I assumed she would show up at least, as Zora doesn’t strike me as the type to simply walk away, but I have to confess, I was somewhat surprised by her response.
Zora arrives in a nice blue gown. Evan is waiting, while Paul holds a tray that looks to have a ring on it.
Zora tells Evan that he has many remarkable qualities, including being genuine and honest. She allowed herself to trust him, and while she has some regrets now, she confesses to having been somewhat turned off about the money to begin with. So she would like to continue the relationship with him and see where it leads.
Evan has a remarkably huge smile.
Evan places the ring on her right hand, saying that it is a promise. She is delighted, and not once did she bite on it, as Heidi or Sarah would have done immediately… heck they probably had an appraiser on standby outside the chateau.
I wanted to think of a few funny things to add here, but I will hold off. At least for this moment, these two really did seem to care for each other, and I am happy for them.
Okay, time to roll the credits and get out of here… but wait… what about that big twist? You know, that twist that “will have America talking”?
Hmmm… here comes Paul with a serving tray and a covered dish. He tells the happy couple that there is one last surprise for them. They are to be congratulated for finding true love, and that this “battered old snake” even believes in the fairy tale now.
Evan and Zora wait for the surprise, and as Paul opens the cover…
Several dozen champagne corks fire out and hit Evan in the face!
Wait, maybe that was just my hope for what would happen. Now that twist would really had gotten folks talking.
No, instead it is a check for a million dollars. Ho hum, many posters at the FORT successfully predicted this as the twist even before the show began.
Zora and Evan end the show sharing a dance, and Zora asks Evan is she can kiss him. They spend the next several minutes doing that, and if I didn’t know better, I would have assumed that their braces got stuck together. It looks like they will dance the night away.
We’ll get to find out next week if Evan and Zora are still interested in their mutual future. Somehow I see Zora using her half of the money to help people, and Evan buying a bulldozer of some kind.
Meanwhile, I will take my hat off to Evan and Zora. He successfully navigated through the process and chose probably the best woman for him. Zora consistently conducted herself with dignity, something that is a rarity on reality television, and who’d of thought that someone would accomplish that on this show?
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