One Hour of My Life I Will Never Get Back
Episode Six – Recrap
This week, we watched what was undoubtedly the best episode yet of this critically acclaimed contribution to the art of American television. I watched silently, with tears in my eyes, as the producers wove an incredible tale, taking us from the very beginnings of this amazing experience and caught us up to date with all the happenings to this point. By the end of the hour, I was literally exhausted from seeing the incredible compilation of scenes.
I am sure that you, my faithful readers, were as grateful as I was for this review of old material. For the only criticism I can find myself to levy against this masterpiece of the small screen is that they have been so chocked full of action packed material that they have never really had a chance to go back and highlight the good parts.
I mean really, they could have started each individual episode with a lengthy, yet similar, review of the activities to date, but NO! These folks are above all of that, and instead they ensured that we had a full episode of exciting action each week.
Further, they could have pulled a Survivor and promised all new material, never before seen(!) for this program, but they didn’t. The unassailable honor of the production team wouldn’t allow them to use cheesy marketing schemes and outright lying to the audience in this show.
It is clear that for these bastions of entertainment integrity, it is all about being able to look at yourself in the mirror each morning, and liking the person staring back.
For a show based upon Evan’s big lie, I have been consistently pleased with how ‘authentic’ the show feels outside of that lie. Not since HR Halderman testified in front of the Watergate Committee have we seen this kind of clear commitment to honesty demonstrated.
Therefore, I feel this episode was both refreshing and necessary. I thank the producers for not doing anything silly like promising to tell us who Evan picked this week. I mean, I would have really been angry had the deep voice announcer said anything right before a commercial like, “This is it! Evan makes his choice.”
Really, all the participants in this program should take a moment and pat themselves on the back for a job well done. I really don’t care who wins at this point, as you all are winners in my eyes. I want to take a moment to single all of you out for congratulations:
He has performed incredibly. If I didn’t know better, I would say that Evan was an aspiring actor with a checkered history of modeling and regrettable decisions when it comes to participation in professional wrestling. But it is his amazing ability to pull off this role, with a high level of personal sacrifice, which makes Evan the Most Valuable Participant.
His conversational skills are unmatched, and the witty responses he gives without hesitation are hilarious. Case in point? This exchange between Sarah and Evan, thankfully they showed it again, because this was truly subtle:
Sarah: “What are you going to do with your riches?”
Evan: “I don’t know.”
Oh my gosh! ‘I don’t know!’ I am falling out of my chair now laughing at that yet again. Bravo Evan! Bravo!
Later in the game though, Evan seems to have the weight of the world on his shoulders as he realizes the implications of his lying actions. The scenes with Evan tossing and turning in bed are worthy of an Emmy.
He has to be acting right? You’d have to be a few fries short of a happy meal to not realize up front that lying to a group of women hoping to con one of them to fall for you might just weigh a little on your conscious before you were done.
Evan is genuinely nice though. I think we all agree on that.
For example, the way that he resisted temptation, and didn’t sleep with Melissa and MoJo right before dumping them. That took a lot of self-control. It really would have been cruel for Evan to spend a fun filled night and next morning with someone like Melissa and then tell us in the confessional that he “wasn’t attracted to her”. I am sure am glad he didn’t do that.
Evan is also a remarkable judge of character. For example:
Sarah (in confessional): “I got used to the hotel. It is amazing how soon you do adjust. I could really get used to this.”
Sarah (in confessional): “If I even got any money, I would know exactly what to do with it.”
Evan (in confessional): “The girls left now are not into money.”
It’s almost as if he is psychic!
While Evan is the star of this talented ensemble, the show wouldn’t work without other key players…
Paul and Alex
Paul, a butler such as yourself has never before graced the screen. Sure, we may wonder if you have a drinking problem, what with the slurred speech and all, but in the end, you are the Jerry Springer who joins us in each show to help make sense of it all.
I can think of many Monday evenings where I sat perplexed in my official FORT leather recapping recliner, saying out loud, “what does that all mean?”
I wondered if all was lost, and that I would be faced with life of handling lesser shows such as Matlock or Murder She Wrote, but wait… there he was, my weekly savior… Thank you Paul!
Paul always solved the riddles and brought it all together, and he did so with panache, such as the time he kept MoJo’s puzzle, or this comment when he previewed the week where the ladies would join Evan on the jet set dates to the French Riviera:
Paul: I’ll bet Heidi would have loved that.
You see, even during this exciting time for the remaining ladies, Paul took a moment to think about those left out of the game, and how tough for them it must be. He is an incredibly thoughtful man.
Alex, the host. Really no two words are better suited for Alex than ‘the host’. So skillful has she been in this role that it almost seems as if she is an invisible presence on the show. I hope that Alex uses this experience as a stepping stone for future invisible host roles.
Words alone can’t properly chronicle the contribution of these impressive women to this show.
Alison had potential to go quite far in the contest. Evan liked her, and she liked him. Her hesitation to be honest with Evan on the boat in Paris that day probably still eats at her even now. We know this because in the preview for next week’s reunion show, Alison says that she can’t wait to punch him. Some might take that as a punch for Evan, but undoubtedly it is really her cry for help… she knows that she made a huge mistake in taking herself out of this competition, and I trust that the knowledge that we, the viewing public, forgive her, is enough to soothe the tears that accompany her fruitless attempts at sleep each night.
Heidi was a very misunderstood participant. Many have tried to portray her as a golddigger, and yet I didn’t see one quote from her the entire show that would back up that slanderous assertion. Where do you internet people come up with this stuff? Shame on you! Heidi was a remarkable woman, successful in business banking, and always willing to help others with their financial planning. I think she is the unappreciated Flo Nightingale of this show.
Melissa Jo was a fine competitor. I hope that her spokesmodel career takes off from here. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a caring, wonderful proponent of tastefully adorned headwear. She was…
It seems that John wants me to get to the recap, and quit babbling. I have learned never to cross John. If you do, a recap of something truly horrible like Gary Coleman on Star Dates might await you. So let’s get right into it!
I wanted to put the same exhaustive level of effort into my recap as the producers did for this episode. I hope you enjoy it…
Review and Preview
They had one, which was a subtle form of irony considering that this was a review show to begin with. I am not worthy of recapping this segment. I think you owe it to yourself to tape it and save forever as an example of the quintessential achievement in introduction technique.
Sitting at a Table Outside for No Particular Reason
Paul summons the women for a meeting with Alex, our host. Zora and Sarah aren’t really talking to each other now, so it appears that tensions are high. Alex lets us know that Evan will spend a little more time with each of the ladies and then make his diamond ring decision.
Alex has her second longest line of the show when she says that, “A happy ending of this fairy tale, followed by a new beginning in the real world.”
Wow! Not only do they win a ring, but they also get to participate in the next Real World on MTV! These producers… They have to be the kindest people you will ever encounter.
I would tell you more, but I am not worthy of recapping this segment. I think you owe it to yourself to tape it and save forever as an example of the quintessential achievement in final day notification technique.
A Walk in the Woods with Sarah… No, They Didn’t Have Sex!
Paul lets us know that Sarah is always late, and today is no exception. She is to meet Evan for a walk on the grounds.
Sarah is upset that they aren’t going into town, for she had the best little princess pumps on, and now she has to change her clothes yet again. Sarah makes a mental note to change that about Evan after she wins. She has a rather lengthy list of changes she intends to make…
They reminisce together about their first meeting at the ball, and all the fun they had in follow on dates. We are treated to a lengthy review of all the material we have seen many, many times before.
I am not worthy of recapping this segment. I think you owe it to yourself to tape it and save forever as an example of the quintessential achievement in romantic review techniques.
A Walk in the Woods with Zora… Oh, Look at the Pretty Bunnies!
As always, Zora is concerned with how Evan is dealing with the pressure of the big decision. She has had a difficult time sleeping herself lately, so she wonders if Evan is holding up.
She is grateful for the experience though, and together, she and Evan reminisce about their first meeting at the ball, and all the fun they had in follow on dates. We are treated to a lengthy review of all the material we have seen many, many times before.
I am not worthy of recapping this segment. I think you owe it to yourself to tape it and save forever as an example of the quintessential achievement in follow on romantic review techniques.
Ahh, the Good Stuff!
We are treated to a preview of the 300th Simpsons episode coming up this Sunday. It’s a 90 minute episode 14 years in the making. I am really looking forward to that show…
Tough Decision… Will He Make His Choice?
Evan and Paul are on the front steps of the chateau. Clearly Evan is struggling with his decision. Paul wonders how Evan will deal with the stress.
We are treated to a lengthy review of all the material we have seen many, many times before.
I am not worthy of recapping this segment. I think you owe it to yourself to tape it and save forever as an example of the quintessential achievement in pre-decision angst.
Final Gathering… Now He Will Make His Choice Right?
Sarah and Zora gather for their last meal together. They contemplate the choice that Evan will make. Zora feels that Sarah has an advantage due to being based out of Los Angeles, and therefore close to him.
I’m not so sure. I think that if he picks Sarah, it will not be long before he finds himself feeling tied down, and all bound up in a relationship in which it will be difficult to break the bonds that dominate it.
Sarah, ever the sportswoman, offers her helpful advice that if Evan wants to not pick either of them, then he might pick the person who is far away, and thus make it easier to avoid contact after the show.
Oh I get it Sarah, if he picks you, then you win, and if he picks Zora, then it is only because he didn’t want to pick either of them. Wow, you really are a special person!
Evan confesses that he knows that someone is now going to get hurt in this process, but he hopes that it isn’t himself. Wow… that is pretty selfless Evan.
There are a couple of other things that happen, but I am not worthy of recapping this segment. I think you owe it to yourself to tape it and save forever as an example of the quintessential achievement in deep insight illustration techniques.
And The ‘Winners’ Are… Gosh We Are Almost Out of Time, Let’s Get to It!
The ladies gather for the ceremony in the Grande Salon. Based upon the way they are invited down, I think it is obvious that Paul would prefer Zora to win.
Evan confesses that at first he thought this was a game, but now he has feelings for both of them.
Evan starts into his confession, “I did not inherit $50M. I am a heavy equipment operator.”
But who is he telling? It seems we do not get our answer this week.
There are some other things going on in this segment, but I am not worthy of recapping this segment. I think you owe it to yourself to tape it and save forever as an example of the quintessential achievement in cliffhanger techniques.
I stand and applaud in my living room. Thank God we still have brave producers in this country who aren’t afraid to extend our fun an extra week. The endless teases that Evan was about to make his choice sucked me in, and I have to tip my hat to the brilliant creativity that made those teases seem so real.
I didn’t want this fairy tale, as Alex calls it, to end. I am guessing that those of you at home are hoping that Evan’s choice is delayed even further. I don’t want the happiness and joy I feel watching this show to end, and I can’t even bring myself to think about what I would with my Monday nights in a world where I didn’t have quality programming such as this to entertain me.
Congratulations producers! Well done!
I am not worthy of recapping this segment. I think you owe it to yourself to tape it and save forever as an example of… okay, you get picture by now. Instead, I will simply use the same information from last week’s recap. It still applies:
The final two. Who will Evan pick?
Is there really a winner, or is this all a sham? The biggest joke being played on the 18 million viewers.
We shall finally find out… no really… okay, so now there is a show scheduled for the 24th as well, so maybe we don’t find out, but we had better… we had better…
Disclaimer: Now, all of you getting ready to send me hate mail, pause right now. This was all intended as sarcasm.
My personal view of this episode is that it is a disgrace. I was appalled and disappointed. You have to understand just how I low I set the bar for Fox to begin with to really appreciate the disappointment.
I timed it. There was more time in commercials than there were in new material during this episode. If the show wasn’t disgrace enough, now it has reached a new low. One can only guess what next week’s big twist will be… probably something to do with Sarah and a rope.
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