My co-workers have enjoyed my satirical episodes summaries so they told me to post them for all to see here. Long time listener, first time caller...
In last week's Joe Millionaire episode, we started with the final 3-- Melissa, Zora, & Sarah. For these dates, each girl was whisked away on the private jet for a romantic overnight getaway with Joe in different exotic locales.
First to get their hands on Joe (literally) was Melissa (aka Melissa The Mercenary). After watching the sunset on the beach in Cannes, they enjoyed a quiet dinner in which MTM said she liked Joe because he was "average" & "didn't have too much going on inside his head". Excuse me?! Did that frizzy perm kill all your brain cells or what? Of course, Joe wasn't really listening because he was busy looking down her dress. Then again, it's a very accurate assessment of Joe so maybe he took it as a compliment. After that, Joe mentioned that he really liked legs so she practically hiked her skirt over her head. After dinner, the conversation in his room went something like this:
MTM: "I can make this easy for you."
Joe: "It's a really nice bed."
BAM! Time to get squelchy. Of course, Melissa tells the other 2 finalists later that she is not that kind of girl.
Zora is next-- poor, sweet Zora. First, Zora makes rules-- no kissing, no way she's wearing that revealing bathing suit. Next, Zora breaks rules-- kissy face in the pool with Joe. I'll give the guy some credit. Joe may be dumb but he is persistent...& horny as a sailor on shore leave. Maybe it was the low cut blouse or the lovely atmosphere or the heated penthouse pool that led to some PDA in the pool. But nothing past 2nd base for Joe & Zora. There will be no squelchy tonight.
Finally, it's time for Sarah. Now after the last episode when they disappeared into the woods, you just knew that Lil' Miss Foot Fetish would get busy with Joe. At dinner, the required amount of cleavage was provided by LMFF. Obviously, Joe needed to build up his strength so he ate his steak plus Sarah fed him half of her meal...which he enjoyed so much he ordered up another one of those entrees for himself. That boy can eat! After some kissy-face under the full moon, they said goodnight at her door. Ten minutes later, she showed up at his door in her robe to show him the moon again. Well, maybe she really wanted to show him her moon. And it was squelchy time.
After all of the dates were over, Joe had a day or so to himself to think things over. He agonized over the decision & even got one of the producers out of bed at 3:30am to bare his big, dumb soul. After much big, dumb soul-searching, Big Dumb Joe picked Sarah (aka Lil' Miss Foot Fetish) & Zora (aka Zora The Unflushable). Sarah was a no brainer (no pun intended) but, once again, Zora made a surprising advance.
Up until the decision was announced, Joe had said only wonderful things about Melissa The Mercenary (sexy, always a great time together, wonderful smile, & so on) but his explanation for flushing her-- "we just didn't have any chemistry". Ok, ya big, dumb galoot. Obviously, MTM was stunned & disappointed but she put on a brave bucktooth grin & packed her bags. Now I have despised Melissa from the very beginning & never couldn't figure out how MTM kept fooling BDJ. But last night, I started rooting for her because I wanted too see the nicotine twins (MTM & LMFF) duke it out for BDJ's money. Scratch that, I mean battling it out for his love, it's all about the love! Please let Zora go so we can see how it plays out with these two money-hungry, two-faced women. But no, BDJ can't flush Zora The Unflushable.
The smart money is on Lil' Miss Foot Fetish because Big Dumb Joe really has a thing for her...maybe he likes her feet. But Zora The Unflushable keeps pulling off the stunning upsets so you never know. Maybe playing hard to get really works.
As we anxiously await next week's climactic (again, no pun intended) episode, here are my Top Ten headlines to describe last night's episode:
10) Somebody Stole My Mojo! (oops, that was Episode 4's top headline)
9) Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad
8) The Cleavage Show
7) Show 'Em If You Got 'Em
6) Big Dumb Joe Sure Can Eat
5) Melissa's Learns a Lesson-- No Clothes = No Chemistry
4) Melissa Joins the SAE Sorority-- Sex And Exit
3) Melissa shows Joe the Mercenary Position, Joe shows Melissa the Door
2) The Return of Zora The Unflushable
1) Foot Fetish Finalist