Episode 7: I’m Lying Here …. With Linda on my Mind
The Italian love affair continues in the first installment of back-to-back episodes of Joe Millionaire.
Now only Anique, Cat and Petra remain to vie for the affections of young David. At breakfast the morning after elimination Petra mourns the loss of bawdy Olinda from the competition, saying she didn’t think David made the right decision. Read: She wishes David had kept Olinda and given Cat the boot.
LG: Yeah, Petra wished that David had let go of Cat before the Old Bag.
Paul greets the ladies with congratulations on joining the diamond club and tells Anique that David will pick her up at noon for their fantasy date.
Anique’s Date – Portofino
Remembering Anique’s dream to fly a helicopter, David requested one as their means of transportation to the village. Anique was delighted by the ride, and was even allowed to take the rudder during flight.
LG: It’s pretty obvious that David is much more comfortable on a horse than in a chopper because he’s looking a little green around the gills when Anique wants to see if a helicopter can do a flip.
Once aground, they visit their adjoining suites in a beautiful hotel before dressing for dinner. They walked in the harbor and went window shopping. David bought Anique an expensive purse she had admired. Later, David and Anique snuggle and kiss on the couch in his suite. David shuts the cameraman out in the hall, saying “I’m a gentleman, and I just need some privacy.”
Of course microphones in the room pick up the sounds of kisses and giggles. We hear David avow, “Oh, this is good,” and Anique’s response: “Let’s marry and then we can do this every day.”
The next morning, Anique admits she is nervous because David is going on dates with the other girls. David confesses that as much as he likes Anique, all his supposed money seems to impress her.
Back at the mansion, Cat and Petra are left alone to shoot visual and verbal daggers at one another while chain-smoking cigarettes and drinking wine. It seems after Petra joined Olinda in tormenting Cat during the first part of their stay, Petra now expects Cat to be good company as they pass the time together.
Cat is having nothing of it. It seems she has realized that all she must do to get Petra’s ire is simply nothing. She eats her food quietly, swirls her drink, puffs her cigarette and gives Petra an impersonal look each time she speaks.
Petra tells Cat she is being childish and rude. Cat counters by saying she has no interest in ‘stupid conversations.’ Petra continues to preach to Cat about how she should be acting, and Cat fails to take the bait, “I so don’t like you. I’m not here for anyone else. I am here for David.”
LG: As a veteran of many seasons of The Bachelor and other reality TV dating shows, editing a contestant to say “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here for [insert name of “prize” guy here]” is usually a recipe for negative editing as the “show bitch”, but in Cat’s case I tend to agree with Bumpkin that I’d be hard pressed to really buddy up with this particular competitor.
Can Fox dare wish for a Cat Fight? It worked rating miracles for Dynasty when Linda Evans and Joan Collins scratched and clawed it out in a swimming pool, which aired in the 80s in the U.S. but much more recently in some parts of the world.
Petra’s Date - Sardinia
David and Petra take a private jet to Sardinia, where they stay in an opulent billionaire’s penthouse, complete with it’s own private pool. They change into bathing suits and head for the beach. Much hilarity ensues as David is wearing a very expensive pair of flip-flops, which are causing him to trip while Petra navigates well in her $3.00 flip-flops.
David says he is attracted to Petra, her style and her hair. He also considers her a babe.
LG: Gosh, David thinks that frizzy hair that has never been in the same state as a hot oil treatment is attractive. I DO stand a chance with him. Score!!!
They swim and play in the water together and seem to enjoy one another’s company. Petra enlightened us to a quaint colloquial saying from back home in Holland. “You can take the girl out of the village, but you can’t get the village out of the girl.” Apropos, as the rough Americanized version is, “You can take the cowboy out of the country, but you can’t get the country out of the cowboy.” Or something like that.
At dinner, Petra said grace in Italian before they ate. David again gushes about Petra, saying she really knows how to make a guy happy. In parting, they shared three short kisses, drastically different than those he shared with Anique.
Thankfully, Anique and Cat must have been ignoring one another “Back at the Mansion.”
LG: Or maybe they were playing nude charades, but somehow I’m guessing that if they were, Fox would have shown us clips. Things are not quite as interesting for the ladies who aren’t on the dates back at the mansion since Olinda is not here to criticize everyone else.
David is certain that Cat likes him whether he has money or not. Cat feels more like his girlfriend every day, and speaks of the growing chemistry between them. They take a private jet to Naples then a speedboat to Capri. As a vintage Cadillac convertible takes them to their hotel, Cat snuggles comfortably into David’s shoulder.
At the hotel, Cat said the setting seemed to her like being on a beautiful honeymoon. They watched the sun go down together and Cat kept David’s glass filled with wine. Again, David trots out the word “wasted.”
LG: Ok, I’m a reality TV nut, but every time David says “wasted” I’m reminded of the famous Newton Minnow speak in which he called American television “a vast wasteland.” How ironic, they’re bragging about getting wasted on the trashiest show in the wasteland. Somehow I’m afraid the irony of that situation wasn’t on David’s mind at the time.
David asks Cats about her plans for the future. She tells him she wants to go into the music business, but must get out of Berlin. I’m thinking she sees David as her one way ticket to the states, land of opportunity where a beautiful girl like Cat could go far in the music business.
LG: Right, if they dress in underwear and claim to be a virgin while guys line up around the block to dispute such claims, oh nevermind, I’m sure the music industry will welcome Cat with open arms.
Back at the mansion Petra and Anique discuss every detail of their dates. Petra said the girls had joked in the first week that David didn’t make a move on anyone. “Now he’s like attacking everyone.” Which made Anique perk up, “He attacked you Petra? When?
Well, no .. he didn’t attack Petra, but he is currently attacking Cat in a garden tub full of bubbles and glasses of champagne. I had my glasses on to take notes, but sent the Brooding Bumpkin to view the screen close up. IS she wearing a bathing suit? Yes. Just barely. They kiss passionately as romantic music plays in the background and the full moon rises over Capri.
LG: I missed a full moon? Oh, the lunar variety, thanks Bumpkin, that’s not such a big loss. I was just surprised that not everyone was wearing Capri pants in Capri. The thought of David in some peddle pushers isn’t very manly, though.
Back at the Ranch
David meets with “Mr. Paul” in the study. Paul tells David they are sending him away to the ranch for a couple of days to rest and recharge his batteries. Tired from three dates in as many days, David wanted only to rest in the comfort of Hurricane’s saddle.
But, as Mr. Paul said, someone other than Hurricane was waiting for him. I’ll spare you copious amounts of smaltz, and say that Linda had a change of heart, called the producers and asked if she could return to the show and try again to win David’s heart. “After the elimination, I couldn’t sleep. I would wake up with a stroke of panic. Fear. That I’ve ruined my life. That I made a mistake.”
Knowing a good plot twist when they see it, they agreed and gave Linda time to meet with David privately at the ranch. Linda walks up to David with a big smile, obviously very glad to see him again.
David’s face showed some shock, but also I think some genuine pleasure. Linda explains that the competition was too stressful, and that the other girls had teased her because of the attention he paid her. “I don’t know like where it comes from, I guess, my childhood, you know?”
At this, David gives the most appropriate response he can summon: “So what do you want to do, you want to ride Hurricane?”
As they ride we hear Linda’s voice-over saying that she seeks a man who will be by her side, give her support and help her get through life. Sounds like she really needs a husband with an M.D. after his name, but what do I know?
LG: Good idea, as an M.D. would have the ability to write prescriptions for a boatload of mood stabilizers, as I think that might be in order if voluntarily leaving a reality TV dating show is tantamount to “ruining her life.” She’s perfect for reality TV and for some sugar daddy to make everything alright.
Back at the mansion, Paul meets with David to explain that tonight he will have to choose between three girls and Linda’s return. We watch David study his hands ponderously, obviously struggling with the weight of his decision.
Paul leads Anique, Cat and Petra to the Palazzo. As they wait for hostess Samantha they are apparently visited by Casper the Friendly Ghost. With great drama Samantha enters and tells the girls David will give an aquamarine pendant surrounded by diamonds to two ladies as an invitation to continue this journey.
Anique: “What is aquamarine?”
Petra: “I thought he was bringing us a boat or something.”
LG: Or maybe Aquaman’s idea of fine jewelry?
LG, you make me laugh! Anyhoo, David gives his usual disclaimer before Paul calls out Cat and Petra.
Anique looks devastated, but remains calm. Petra is disgruntled. David retreats to the study where he stares at his hands again.
Next episode: Linda returns. Did she think twice about love - or money? And how will Petra and Cat react?
Bumpkin and LG have teamed up to recap this season of Joe Millionaire. For comments about the show, feel free to write Bumpkin@fansofrealitytv.com or LurkingGirl@fansofrealitytv.co m As always, we appreciate your comments.