Olinda had an unquenchable thirst
To drink, she never had to be coerced
She talked smack like a champ
And generally acted the tramp
That pearl necklace? It wasn't her first.
In last week’s recap we joked that surely bawdy Olinda had a limerick or four written in her honor. Little did we know that FORT writer AmandaG had a hidden talent for writing them. Thanks to Amanda for her contribution to opening this week’s recap.
LG: Trust me, folks, writing PG-13 limericks is not as easy as it sounds. There once was a re-capper named Bumpkin . . . Yeah, yeah, fill in your ending, but if anyone feels inspired to write a Joe Millionaire themed limerick, we’ll be starting a thread for that in the forum today.
With strains of standard “That’s Amore” in the background, the four remaining ladies depart the Tuscany village for one-on-one dates with hunky David in Rome.
LG: Everytime I hear that song I am reminded of the movie “Moonstruck” with Cher and Olympia Dukakis playing an Italian Mamma Mias and “That’s Amore” wafting through the air. Cher and Olympia, a Native American and a Greek American respectively, made much more convincing Italian Americans than David makes a Fake Millionaire. I guess that’s why David hasn’t received an Academy Award Nomination, but gosh, wouldn’t it be great if sweet little David really was a millionaire after all.
According to David, he and the girls are staying in one of the most expensive hotels in the city, with the whole east wing of a floor all to themselves. The girls arriving in limousines created a stir among the locals, and before long the paparazzi joined the throng, taking photos of the girls mugging for the camera, just in case they were someone important.
When Paul gave the girls a choice of rooms Olinda declared “I want the best room!” and to Petra, “And I want Anique in the room next to me, because we are best friends – and you are so not.”
Apparently the weeks of free drinks, subsequent daily hangovers and the tension of making nice with strangers competing for the same man have combined to peel the layers of pretense from Olinda’s psyche.
LG: If that was Olinda “making nice” I’d hate to see when she wasn’t on her best behavior, Bumpkin. As for her layers, borrowing from “Shrek” I’d have to say that Olinda has layers like an onion, bitterness on top of more bitterness, rather than say, a parfait or a layer cake, or those tasty Dairy Queen frozen cakes with layers of ice cream and chocolate chips and caramel . . . Yup, Olinda has layers like an onion (just like Shrek the Ogre), and they are starting to bunch up on her face.
We get our second hint at the devolution of her personality as the girls sip champagne on the terrace of the hotel and spy a hot air balloon approaching with David on it.
Petra squeals with delight at the scene, saying the balloon is carrying a table and predicts it will land, with David, right on the terrace. Olinda snipes, “Petra, you said that five times! Say it again and I’ll push you off the roof!”
Obviously the limo had a wet bar. Olinda’s already tanked. As Petra and Cat leave to meet the concierge with their luggage, Olinda confesses to Anique, “I hope she accidentally falls down the stairs and dies.”
LG: I hope Olinda remembers that they are being filmed. No-one is going to buy “accident” if we get the super-slow-mo camera work (which captured last episodes butt slap by Cat) showing Olinda giving her competition a “helping shove” down the stairs.
Anique, still trying to be friends with the barracuda, encourages her to “chill.”
“I’m feeling really aggressive,” said Olinda.
Growing concerned, Anique says, “Chill. You’re making me scared for real.”
To which Olinda replies with the attractive and distinctive cackle of a smoker.
David takes Petra for a romantic trip around Rome. Petra thinks David is a charming sweet guy, who is much more relaxed when drinking wine.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Olinda takes on Petra. “I like Petra, but she gets on my nerves.” When Cat tries to interject, Olinda cuts her off, “Shut up, Cat.”
“Why you hate me now?” asks Cat.
“We always hated you,” cackles Olinda.
Cat gives the most appropriate response possible, saying “B***h!” and returns to her room crying.
Back to the date, David asks Petra if smoking is very common in Europe.
“Smoke? I don’t smoke.” Says Petra, as we are treated to scenes of her puffing away at the villa.
The producers evidently want to keep the lie fresh in our minds as David passes a wooden carving of Pinocchio and later visits a historic site called, “Mouth of Truth.”
Legend has it that if you lie while sticking your hand in the Mouth of Truth, the stone will chop your hand off.
David sticks his hand in the mouth and awaits Petra’s question. He looks as nervous as the fellow in the Ace Hardware commercial with his hand in the disposal as he awaits Petra’s question. “Are you happy to be here with me?”
Ah, relief. David answers in the affirmative and draws back his hand intact.
Later David gives Petra a collection of odd bracelets. Petra is touched by his thoughtfulness. David thinks he and Petra really get along well, and that she is beautiful and fun.
Despite her friendship with Olinda, Anique seems to be falling for David, jealously listening to the details of the other dates, trying to glean some idea of her place in David’s heart.
On their date, David takes her on a horse and buggy ride to the Trive fountain, where they toss in coins and make wishes. David thinks Anique is stunning and feels very comfortable with her.
They continue their buggy ride to the Café Cimpani where David gives Anique a gift. Remembering the A-team conversation of the day before, he bought a model of an Italian Poliza helicopter. Anique really liked the gift.
LG: I was impressed by the gift too, as it showed that somebody (hopefully David) was actually listening to Anique on their last date and bought her something special to her. It was certainly an improvement over the hideous portraits or revealing outfits with stupid hats, like Evan had “bought” for Melissa and MoJo last season on Joe Millionaire.
During the date, we continue to return to the hotel, where the real excitement is. Short version, Olinda continues her witchiness, Cat cries.
Again David and Cat’s visit a café for dinner, have a little supper. Again, Cat plays footsie under the table. Then suggests they go for a walk. All this leads David to the observation, “Cat is very forward. She will tell you what she wants. This guy ain’t stupid. I know what this walk will be about.”
David, you really are priceless. They walk, they kiss, they look at statues of horses and ‘nekked’ men and note that David’s tie matches Cat’s dress. I kid you not. Later, David invites Cat to his suite to drink champagne. “I like the bubbles in champagne,” says David, proving his worldliness yet again.
Later that evening, Cat sneaks from her room to David’s suite, dressed only in a camisole. Petra hears a noise and spies Cat slipping through David’s door. Of course, knowing David, he offered her a snow cone and a blanket to cover up in.
David is up and dressed early the next morning for his date with Olinda. Amid southwestern theme music we view tall architectural columns and two horses pulling a chariot. A beefy guy in a Ben-Hur outfit leads the team into an arena.
We watch as David dresses in leather gladiator gear. While the drool factor of this display is high, I realize any temptation to stick dollar bills to my television screen is lost on David’s naiveté.
LG: Olinda also dresses in gladiator gear and comes out looking like a blondelike Lucy Lawless, who is Xena, Warrior Princess. David is looking very Maximus, which was Russell Crowe’s character in “Gladiator” only without the terrible “I’ll comb my hair forward like a George Clooney hair helmet” ‘do that Maximus sported in that film.
The pair have an entertaining sword fight in which Olinda almost chops off David’s thumb. The most entertaining part of the show, however, is the fact that Butler Paul is dressed in a toga and is wearing fig leaves on his head.
When Paul announces that a Roman feast awaits them, David picks up Olinda and tosses her over his shoulder. Which makes Olinda shout, “For Gawdsakes, David, my underwear is showing!” Olinda, your rear end has been showing this whole episode. Why should you be upset by the concept now?
LG: It’s no limerick, but how ‘bout “I see Rome, I see France, I see Olinda’s granny under pants, and they are just as wrinkled and saggy as her face.” No good? Hmmm, I’m sure our readers will do a much better job with their Joe Millionaire themed poetic efforts.
Both agreed they shared a fantastic date, leading Olinda to proclaim, “Can you imagine the other girls? They are going to hate me!” Yes, Olinda, and you didn’t even have to sneak into David’s suite for that to happen.
Again the ladies are seated and await the arrival of hostess Samantha.
Olinda uses this opportunity to castigate Cat yet again. “Shut up Cat. I so hate you Cat. I think you are phony and fake. You really need to change your attitude a bit.”
LG: I’m sure the irony of this statement is completely lost on Olinda, unless of course she actually has changed her attitude. Alas, this series probably won’t air in Europe for another year, if ever. Poor Sweden will have to deal with this cold Swedish Fish (and not in the tasty gummy bear-like candy way) at least until it airs and her family forcibly enrolls Olinda in charm school.
By way of diversion, Samantha appears and tells the ladies that she heard the dates in Rome were spectacular. “David had such a fun time with all of you. Which makes this elimination The. Most. Difficult. Yet. He will have to say goodbye to one of you. He will be honored to present you with a diamond pendant as an invitation to continue on this journey with him.”
David arrives and again offers his disclaimer: “Y’all look nice again. Really nice. I feel confident in my decision. I couldn’t have chosen a better group. Y’all make it hard on me. Please know I don’t like to do this. Just don’t take it personally.
Petra: Things are moving forward with me and Petra. I like Petra’s personality the most.
Anique: I’m looking forward to meeting with Anique some more. If it keeps continuing something could happen.
Cat: Me and Cat definitely have a spark. She is more romantic than other girls.
David asks Olinda not to take this as a rejection at all. “You are my gladiator. That was the best date of all.”
Olinda takes one last free drink before going upstairs to pack. Once finished, she shouts for Paul, “Yoohoo, I’m done.” And waits impatiently for him to retrieve her bags.
Next week: The girls enjoy romantic getaways with David. The remaining girls proclaim it WWII, Poland against Germany. When Cat reminds that “Germany is bigger than Dutch.” Petra and Anique retort, “Yes, but we’re more evil than you.”But they weren’t counting on the ‘twist’ – in which one contestant returns.
LG: Ooooh, the drama, the tension, the long wait until next Monday, but at least you have your friends at the FORT to help pass the time until we learn more about this “twist” and who will be returning to the show. If it’s Melissa Jo from season one, I’m outta here.
In the meantime, we welcome your own Olinda limerick contributions. See "There Once Was a Girl Named Olinda" thread Here
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