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Thread: Episode 5 - The Best Little Reality TV Show (With a Texan)

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    Premium Member Bumpkin's Avatar
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    Episode 5 - The Best Little Reality TV Show (With a Texan)

    In a nightmare of scheduling indecision, the folks at Fox have now doubled up the schedule with two episodes on Monday nights. Which is a shame, five episodes in and this campy reality dating farce is really beginning to grow on me.

    LG: Surprisingly, even though the ratings for this show haven't picked up, postings in this forum at the FORT are way up. I think it is the recaps, well, that and our great live action show threads and intelligent posters.

    Bump: So right LG. On with the recap:

    This week, six women remain to compete for hunky rodeo-pro and spurious millionaire David Smith. Each of the six will have a chance for a one on one date with him against the backdrop of Florence culture.

    Petra’s Date
    As David’s sense of disappointment and loss was so apparent in the previous elimination ceremony in which Linda had asked to go home, Petra and Olinda agreed that Petra’s mission should be to cheer David up.

    LG: If Petra isn't up to the challenge, we've got a couple of regulars willing to give it a shot, David.

    As they stroll through the city, David takes Petra to the Ponte Vecchio Bridge. Older buildings in Italy often have hitching hooks set in their walls. Originally for tying horses, David and Petra followed the tradition which now holds that if you write your wish on a lock and clasp it to the others it will come true.

    While window-shopping, Petra spied a necklace in a jewelers window which she admired. To live up to his millionaire claim, David takes her in to buy the bauble.

    “If we were in Texas, I couldn’t get it,” said David. “I could, like, buy her a snow cone.”

    LG: Of course that snow cone wouldn't make much of a souvenir, given how blasted hot it gets in Texas. Shoot, Petra would probably even have time to eat it unless she slurps it down quick, resulting in a pesky ice headache and blue tongue.

    Later, as they ordered a meal, they began discussing the finer merits of wine. David begins speaking of the wine his mother prefers. You know, boxed wine. If I’m Petra I’m wondering why a millionaire’s mom is buying (or drinking) boxed wine. The point seems lost on David who feels sure that Petra would also be the sort of girl who would enjoy some Franzia from a box back in Texas.

    Mission accomplished. Petra seems to have cheered David up and taken his mind off the lovely Linda.

    Cat’s Date
    Next up is a date with Cat. When David asked if she liked saunas, Cat’s immediate response was, “Um, naked?” But no, there were swimsuits to be donned before they walked through a cave to a pair of waiting lounge chairs.

    The point of this date seemed to be to view Cat perspiring in a bathing suit while she and David made conversation. Since we know what kind of conversationalist David is, we are frequently taken Back to the Mansion to witness more interesting discussions.


    Olinda: “Can you imagine Cat on a date with David? She’s a perfect German b***h.”
    Back in the grotto with David: “Wow. It’s a cave. You feel like a bear,” and “You sweat, and man it feels so good.”

    Cat seems to be tuning out this sparkling conversation, because she speaks of David’s eyes. “It’s that first look in the eyes, that’s when you know he’s a special person you are attracted to.”

    LG: Was it the first look, Cat, as David avoided all eye contact with the ladies, preferring instead to talk to Hurricane the horse, or was it that first special moment where part-time hostess Samantha declared David a millionaire that lit the spark?

    Meanwhile, back at the villa Olinda is still talking smack about Cat. “She speaks crap English.”

    LG: All of Olinda's criticism of Cat's English is translated with subtitles by Fox, as they weren't sure their audience could understand Olinda's "non-crap" English.

    The other girls giggle and seem to go along with Olinda’s tirade. “Cat is a ho, she’s got to go.”

    Soon enough David and Cat are tired of sweating and shower and dress for ‘supper.’ David is startled by a sneaking suspicion that Cat gave him a tap on the rear. Video playback confirms the tap.

    LG: I've always wondered what NFL camera and slow-mo operators do in the off season? Apparently they free-lance for Fox reality shows, as we are treated to a slow motion re-enactment of the now infamous butt slap.

    At dinner the waiter asks for their wine order. David, as always, looks bumfuzzled by the request and seems to want to ask, “What’s on tap, or in a box?” Cat saves the day by responding, “Red. The best,” accompanied by a toss of her mane. “I do that a lot in restaurants” says Cat.

    Two glasses of wine later, Cat slipped off her shoes, flipped her mane and began a game of footsie under the table. Suave David replies, “I feel something under the table. Are you kicking me?” No, David, that was me. You moron.

    Cat suggests they go for a walk after dinner and they take in the sights while holding hands. Cat has been attempting to inject subtle innuendo all evening, to which David is apparently oblivious. David notes, “I’m getting some exercise.”

    Cat responds sexily, “I could give you some exercise.”

    “Cat, you’re so silly.”

    LG: Right, David, there is obviously not a gym in sight. How could silly Cat get exercise on a walk with you?

    And just as David makes me miss Evan, who at least knew how when a woman was telepathing clear signals, Cat finds some fauna to drag David into for a smooch.

    Yes, the season would not be complete without a flashback to Evan and Sarah’s escapade in the woods. We see trees and hear David and Cat kissing passionately. Slurp. Moan. And we didn’t need the subtitles to understand David’s exclamation, “Juuusst riiighht.”

    When Cat returns to the villa after the date she is met by the chief inquisitioner and her minions. Again the hair flipping. Annoying, but if I had hair like that, I suppose I’d flip it too.

    Olinda begins the quiz, “Tell us about the super date.”
    “What do you want to hear?”
    “Did you have sex?”
    “Um hum.”

    Although the hair flipping in annoying, Cat seems to handle Olinda’s ire with the cool and disinterested responses it deserves. This serves only to inflame Olinda, of course.

    Giada’s Date
    David and Giada walked through the streets of Florence window shopping. David buys her a bottle of perfume costing 135 euros. The date was so boring, most of their segment was taken up by more of Olinda’s vitriol.

    Back at the villa, Anique says she thinks Giada is the most beautiful of the girls remaining. Olinda was quick to display her modeling expertise and point out the various flaws in Giada’s face and body.

    Kristyna’s Date
    David and Kristyna go for a gondolier ride down the Arno River in Florence. In the rain. Under umbrellas. The most exciting part of the ride was the sighting of a nutria swimming in the river. Kristyna explained the animal was, “like a rat, but much nicer.”

    LG: Kind of like Olinda, only without the "nicer" part of the description.

    After the boat ride, Kristyna inexplicably brings up Linda, telling David, “Linda asked me to tell you that it wasn’t because of you that she wanted to go home.” David is obviously deflated by mention of Linda.

    Later at dinner .. sorry, supper, David attempts to make conversation with Kristyna who answers his questions with a simple yes or no.

    Kristyna asks David if he likes cats or dogs better. I had to ask my cohort LG what David's answer was, and being a native Wisconsinite, of course she recalled with perfect clarity that David responded that "dogs are nice, but he really likes cows" because cows are easier to care for than horses. . Kristyna then becomes animated as she thinks of a story to tell:

    Seems one day she and a girlfriend were riding about in the countryside and spied some sleeping cows. They got out of their car and pushed the cows over, which she considered a hilarious escapade.

    David and I had roughly the same reaction to the tale, “She’s talking about cow tipping. And I’m a cowboy.”

    Later, Kristyna asks David if he will call Linda after the show is finished. David wonders, as I do, why she keeps bringing Linda up.

    Olinda’s Date
    After her nightly tirade of drinking and cattiness, Paul wakes up Olinda for her date with David. In voiceover, David says Olinda is a really classy girl, and seems to admire the fact that one knows every second what is going on in her head.

    This classy girl, at the moment, has another raging hangover, and hopes for two things, aspirin in her shuttle car and that David takes her shopping.

    Which he does, buying her a pair of ‘superstar’ sunglasses costing 365 Euros. Later over lunch David asks some serious questions about Olinda’s childhood. Olinda reveals that she was very shy as a child and that people thought she was weird. *coughyouarecough*

    Anique’s Date
    Anique and David’s date consists of a meal overlooking the city of Florence. When David comments that he likes the ‘little braid’ in her hair, Anique responds, “I did it on the toilet.” Why, I wonder, does David couch these compliments in terms of ‘little?’ He liked their ‘little’ boots and hats, and he likes Anique’s “little’ braid..

    LG: David's a Texan in "Little Europe" where he's used to everything being "Texas Big" like Texas Toast, and, um, Texas sized braids I guess.

    Anique’s mom is an accountant. David’s dad got his degree in accounting. When David asks Anique what she wants to do in the future, she begins speaking of the A Team. The age difference between David and I makes me momentarily depressed as I realize he’s never seen an episode of the A Team. And I’m guessing he doesn’t know Mr. T. either.

    LG: I pity the fool who doesn’t have a halfway decent Mr. T impersonation in their cheesy pop culture vault of worthless knowledge..

    Anyway, Anique was so inspired by the show, she wants to learn to fly a helicopter.

    LG: I wonder if she plans to slip a mickey to any crabby passengers who don't enjoy flying, like poor B. A. Barrabus on the A-Team.

    Elimination Ceremony
    As Samantha needlessly enters the room for her pre-elimination announcement, I realize I want desperately to hear Olinda’s comments about her. I know she has some because the girls look at her with barely controlled mirth. Samantha announces that two will be eliminated tonight and parts with the only Italian word she’s picked up in her stay, “Ciao.”

    David begins with his usual disclaimer, “I can’t tell you how much fun I’ve had on these dates with you. But, I had to choose. These decisions are hard. Please don’t take it to heart. You are all very, very nice. And I had so much fun.”

    Petra: I really like Petra, I think she’s got a good heart. I don’t think she’s out for the money.

    Olinda: Olinda’s fun. I enjoyed our conversation. We had a good date.

    Anique: She was on the bottom of my list, she seemed to move up to 1 or 2 now. A little more time, more dates. I’m looking forward to more one on one time.

    Of course, it’s time for a commercial break. While I’m thinking that Olinda is a closet bitch who would make David’s life a living hell, the producers let David’s next selection slip during a commercial break which shows the four remaining girls sharing a toast.

    Cat: Me and Cat definitely have a spark. We’re attracted to one another. We’re getting close.

    Kristyna and Giada look miffed at being sent home. I thought Olinda’s face looked strained and wrinkled at the thought of Cat staying on. Then I realized Olinda’s face always looks like that.

    Goodbyes are said and Paul tells the remaining women to prepare to leave the villa for three days in Rome.

    Like Oscar and Felix, like Martin and Lewis, these recaps are a joint venture of the talents of Bumpkin and LG. To comment on this recap, please feel free to contact us at Bumpkin@fansofrealitytv.com or LurkingGirl@fansofrealitytv.co m. As always, thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Bigfoot love DWTS! RickiRick's Avatar
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    Great recap as usual. I don't remember the joint recap method before; seems to work pretty well...twice the insight for the same price!

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    Evil Slash Crazy Miss Filangi's Avatar
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    Later, as they ordered a meal, they began discussing the finer merits of wine. David begins speaking of the wine his mother prefers. You know, boxed wine. If I’m Petra I’m wondering why a millionaire’s mom is buying (or drinking) boxed wine. The point seems lost on David who feels sure that Petra would also be the sort of girl who would enjoy some Franzia from a box back in Texas.

    LG: All of Olinda's criticism of Cat's English is translated with subtitles by Fox, as they weren't sure their audience could understand Olinda's "non-crap" English.

    David and Kristyna go for a gondolier ride down the Arno River in Florence. In the rain. Under umbrellas. The most exciting part of the ride was the sighting of a nutria swimming in the river. Kristyna explained the animal was, “like a rat, but much nicer.”

    LG: Kind of like Olinda, only without the "nicer" part of the description
    Great job guys!
    If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker.
    It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


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    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Awesome guys! Very funny.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  5. #5
    Premium Member Bumpkin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RickiRick
    Great recap as usual. I don't remember the joint recap method before; seems to work pretty well...twice the insight for the same price!
    Thanks RickiRick - LG and I have been working together on these recaps since Fox first announced they were doubling up the schedule. Originally we were going to alternate nights, and did, but Fox kept changing their mind.

    Anyhoo, LG is a great writing partner whose total recall of obscure pop culture references is phenomenal (especially compared to mine). I changed things up a bit this week, to give LG obvious credit for her efforts, but LG has been giving a read-over to the recaps and trying to inject some humor into my usual staidness all along.

    Part six should be up this morning. I promise you'll all love it!

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    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Too much funny stuff to quote. Loved it!

    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
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  7. #7
    LG.
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    I just saw how you incorporated in my smartass suggestions, Bumpkin. Thanks that was really sweet. I'm fine writing in the shadows too, but I'm glad our readers like the exchange as well. Yeah, Bump and I were going to split up the twice a week episodes and work together on all of them, but Fox is a wiley scheduler, hard to figure out when they are going to air Joe Millionaire, which is a shame because I really do like the show.

    Great recap, Bump, if I must say so myself.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

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    FORT Fan evilgemini's Avatar
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    just had to say -- great recap, can't wait for part 2. As much as I enjoyed Olinda's dark underside being revealed, i wish there were more "meanwhile back at the villa" moments because those were SOOO much more fun then the actual dates. Also, I truly do lurve Dave, but is this this guy dumber than wood or what? i mean do the girls collectively get that? When they find out he has no money they are so gonna freak! can't wait.

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    FORT Regular oddballgeek's Avatar
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    very nice :o)

    when do we get the summary for 6?? *is a bit demanding today*

  10. #10
    LG.
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    Episode 6 recap is coming soon. Promise
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

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