This week, David whisks the girls away to a horse farm in Tuscany to show them a bit about his life in Texas. The girls are excited, especially as they receive a gift from David in the form of cowboy hats and boots for each of them.
As the girls dress up in their Hee Haw Honey finery, we see a short clip of Olinda in pigtails. I fall off the cough laughing at this sight, and when I recover I begin to scratch exclamation points on my notepad.
Olinda reminds me of Misty Rowe of Hee Haw (1972-1991) fame. Perhaps there isn’t a direct resemblance, but somehow the combination of Olinda in pigtails and cowgirl clothes, coupled with the fact that Rowe always looked much older than she claimed to be sent me into gales of laughter.
For those of you whose parents didn’t make you watch Hee Haw every Saturday night during your formative years, back to the recap.
The girls were excited at the thought of a leisurely day riding horses on a farm.
David was looking forward to showing the girls how he lives. Like a true American Cowboy, there’s almost something poetic in the way David speaks: “I’m not this Gucci boy, I’m a cowboy. Ranching and rodeo, that’s what I do.” You laugh, but folks will be line-dancing to this in a few months.
David hugs the girls as they arrive and note that they look stunning “with their little boots on.”
Olinda was equally impressed with David’s black shirt, jeans and big belt buckle. “He looked like a sophisticated cowboy.” Olinda, you’ve never *really* seen a rodeo, have you?
David announces there is some housework to do before they can ride. Lina protested, claiming it impossible to clean stalls with “these nails.” To her credit, Olinda got busy while Linda stood around watching the other girls and trying to avoid actually doing the work. Others bought the cleaning stalls story “It’s logical that you actually have to do some work before you can just sit on the horses.” Well .. no. Not if you have 80 million dollars.
After some stall cleaning the girls were allowed to saddle up the horses and go ride. Olinda, Kat and Anique seemed to enjoy the horses. Olinda especially enjoyed seeing David don his rodeo chaps before demonstrating some rodeo moves for the girls.
“He has a nice butt. Nice and perky. You can (insert visual of a two-handed squeezing motion) get in there.”
The girls took note of how comfortable and at ease David seemed on the ranch. In his natural environment, David’s sexiness factor increased perceptibly as well.
As Kat asked David many questions about his life and about riding, David sensed a spark between them. In contrast, Giada protested “I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m tirreeeddd.”
As the day ended, David marched the girls down a hill to a campsite where a supposedly proper American barbeque was waiting. Now folks in Tennessee tend to raise their noses at what passes for barbeque in Texas, and I’m afraid even more was lost in the translation as given by a Los Angeles film production crew to the French chef.
“Like a pig?”
“Yeah. And you cook it over a fire all day and pour Tabasco sauce on it I think.”
Regardless, the chef appeared to have acquired some big honkin pork chops which he prepared over a grill while dressed in his traditional white uniform and hat.
The group enjoyed dinner together and later played in a lavish pool at the hotel/mansion. When David strode out in swim trunks carrying a cooler of beer, the women suddenly realized what the viewers have known all along: David looks better without his shirt than with.
“Mama mia” said Giada. “He has very big .. uh .. muscle. We did not know that before.”
Bawdy Olinda, who surely has a limerick or four written in her honor, latched on to David as he entered the pool and made an attempt to remove his swim trunks. “I wanted to see his body,” she said. “Are you girls p***ed off because I am touching David?”
After swimming, David had time to ask Kristyna, Kat and Linda if they wanted to go on a sunset ride. “These girls have fallen for the horse. Maybe they’ve fallen for me.”
David saw this as the perfect excuse to get a little closer to Linda, who felt safe and noted that by getting to know him more, David became more attractive.
By now it has become apparent to the other girls that David is falling hard for Linda. And Linda is at least feeling a ‘connection’ with David, “I think David is a real special person. He’s extremely sensitive. I’m sure that when he falls in love, he gives his whole heart to the girl. I know that there’s something between us. And um, I am really scared of this.”
That evening the barbecue dinner is accompanied by much wine and beer, loosening David’s spirits, and impulses, considerably. When I hear David shout “Wasted!” I know it’s going to be a long night.
As drinkers tend to do, suddenly singing seemed like a grand idea. Aliessa sang Italian songs with much swishing of her bustle. Then all eyes roll when David singles out Linda to sing. Linda chooses a sad song. “I didn’t know what the words meant, but it was cool.”
Later David asked the girls if they wanted to sleep in the camp or in the hotel. Petra, Anique, Kat and Alessia stayed behind. As the other girls took flight for the comfort of a bed in a luxury hotel, Linda joined them.
Great dramatic music accompanies Giada’s confessional, “He was upset that Linda left. I can see it in the face, the eyes.” Meanwhile, Linda confesses, “The girls, they would gossip about me. I had to run away.”
During the night, all the girls in Tent City snuck back to the hotel, with the exception of Kat.
At breakfast the next morning, Linda confesses she had a sleepless night worrying about the other girls talking about her. Seated next to David at breakfast, she quietly asks him not to choose her at the next elimination.
“I understand. I hope it ain’t because of me,” says David who later confesses his disappointment, “It was like a kid getting a bike for Christmas, then getting it taken away.”
The other girls smile slightly, pleased with the effectiveness of their campaign. After breakfast, the shuttle cars pull away with the drama of a funeral procession.
Once again Samantha appears to tell the girls that David is absolutely dreading the night’s elimination. Three women will leave; the other six will receive an emerald necklace to be followed by intimate dates with David.
Anique: not only is she beautiful, but she also loves horses.
Kat: A trooper. She camped with me all night.
Giada: No comment from David here, but
Krystina: Again, no comment, but gets a necklace
Olinda: I can always count on Linda to have a fun time with.
Petra: Hello Petra.
To Alessia: Sorry Aliessa – you’re a beautiful person. You’re so great.
To which Aliessa replies, “I know. I go now to find my boyfriend. Thank you. “
Linda and Lina are also eliminated, cutting the name confusion down considerably for the recapper.
After the eliminations, David immediately leaves the room like a heartbroken child. And I actually feel sorry for him.
Perhaps the difference between the European contestant pool and their American counterparts is knowing how these games are played. Linda was completely unprepared for the emotional onslaught of the brutality other women can inflict when men aren’t watching.
Until next week, email@example.com