Joe Millionaire October 28, 2003 – Like Kicking A Buddy Out Of My Truck
Hello Joe Millionaire faithful readers (and any new readers, assuming that our recaps are gaining popularity despite Fox’ rather dismal rating for the series), this is LG, the recapper formerly known as lurkinggirl, sharing the recapping duties for this series with my co-conspirator Bumpkin. Passions ignite in Fox’ rehash of everything that has happened so far, and we’re treated to a brief re-enactment of David passing out pearl necklaces. Get your mind out of the gutter, they are actual strands of pearls. Not even Fox would air that the first hour of primetime. Unless it was police videos of alien autopsy pearl necklaces, as that would totally dominate the timeslot, unlike this season of Joe Millionaire.
Starting in on the “new” action, we see the ladies are back at the mansion. Lina dishes on the pearls, saying she thinks that they are not very high quality. Lina declares that she likes big jewels. I’m not a jewelry expert, but I don’t remember “big” being one of the “Four C’s” for jewelry quality: cut, carat, color, clarity, and gawdiness, oh yeah, that fifth ranking characteristic. Before I start getting emails, yes, I know carat is a measure of weight, but quality jewels often have weight from depth and not just from huge gleaming surface area. Speaking of huge gleaming surface areas, what about David’s, um forehead. David is a Southern gentleman who removes his hat when inside, so we get to see that just like his separated at birth partner Woody Harrelson, David’s hairline is beating a hasty retreat. Stick with the hats, Dave.
We get to see our favorite butler, Paul, who speaks to David: “Well Mr. Moneybags, you need to be careful. The women are inquisitive. You need to keep your story straight.” Paul quizzes David on the very fundamentals of his cover story, like his age (David supposedly inherited his fortune upon turning 25, but can’t remember as he’s really only 24) and whether or not his uncle, yes, the one who left him the INHERITANCE was still alive. Oh poor David. I feel badly for him and want to protect him from this show and the pack of wildcat women they’ve tossed him in with for this series. I watched every episode of the first season of Joe Millionaire and never once felt protective of Mr. Missing Link, Evan Marriot, but I just want to swoop in and rescue David as he really seem so naïve and sweet. Yes ma’am he does.
Anique had a less stressful day without anyone rudely interrupting her night’s slumber at 8 am. I can’t remember the last time I was still in bed at 8 am. What kind of job doesn’t require consciousness before business hours? Oh, maybe Anique is a network TV executive for a European Fox affiliate, as I’m not sure their programming experts have been conscious yet this season.
Group Date – Throwing a Pot
Kristina, and Olinda, and Giadia going on the first group date. Olinda is hoping for dirty jokes and drinking. David warns that the women are in for a big surprise. Just because you’re dating 11 women, don’t get all full of yourself, Dave. Oh, he’s talking about the date activity.
Olinda informs us that doesn’t chase guys, guys chase her. Giadia is worried that she will be nervous on the date. The date involved going to a ceramics factory to make some pottery. Kristyna asks about how he got Hurricane to Italy, so he elaborated on the horse in a cargo plane story.
The ladies spin pots and vases just like Demi Moore in Ghost, only without the Righteous Brothers Unchained Melody in the background. Actually, I don’t remember Demi making a phallus out of clay like these bawdy ladies did, but maybe if Demi had she wouldn’t have been so darn lonely in that movie, talking to Whoopi Goldberg and thinking it is Patrick Swayze. That’s just a sad case of a drought-induced madness. David makes a decent bowl and then makes a superball, leading to more dirty jokes and blushing by David. Always the gentleman, David fetches water for the whole group, including the pottery instructor. Ah, he’s so sweet. Get away from him, you crazed pack of harpies!
They went to a restaurant and Olinda and Kristyna disappeared, so shy Giada got to talk to him privately. David said grace when everyone was finally served their dinner, but some of the ladies had already dug into their meals, and Olinda was rude enough to actually mock him by saying “Amen, Hallelujah!” Now I’m not particularly religious, but if I’m trying to impress a date, I usually don’t start off by insulting their most deeply held beliefs, but that’s just me and I’m not European. David was a little taken aback by Olinda’s comments about his prayer, and says: “I’m taking her out on a date and Olinda is cracking on me.” Ever the reserved and shy one, Olinda gives him three kisses as he tries to shake her hand goodbye.
David thinks that the day was relaxing, in the midst of his stressful experience. But that night he agonizesover the ladies finding out the truth about his financial status. Ah yes, someone at the Fox production office reminds the producers they hit ratings gold when Evan agonized at night (in night-vision photography, nonetheless) over the moral dilemma he faced by lying to the women. Somehow it seems much more genuine from David, but maybe I’m a big sucker.
Group Date – A Bicycle Built for Five?
Cat, Tereza, Anique, and Lina go on a cycling date, and need to leave at the ungodly hour of 8:30 a.m.. David is nervous because it’s not just a date with four girls, but a date with four European girls. He’s wearing silly army surplus pants. As if he wasn’t already a living, breathing stereotype of American men, at least stick with a single theme and wear Levis, David. They have a group picnic. David thinks that Cat is shy, and was surprised when she sat herself next to him at the picnic. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve seen Cat somewhere before. She seems so familiar. My grandfather emigrated from Germany. Ack, maybe we’re relatives. Now, how do I get that pesky Disney “It’s a Small World” song out of my head?
Tereza is attracted to the veins in his arms. Either she secretly yearns to be a nurse, and admires that his veins would be very easy to tap for a blood test, or she’s a vampire. I’m not ruling out either at this point, even though she’s certainly not the European version of Elvira. Sitting on this lumpy old couch crabbing about some B-movie, jet-black hair in a bouffant, low-cut black dress, ah the memories of Elvira flood back on Halloween. This is one of the problems of dating someone from another country (or born in another decade) – you don’t share a common basis of pop culture. How can you make jokes about the old Wendy’s ad campaign where Russian women dressed up for a fashion show in “eveningkvare” and “svimmvare” to someone who has never eaten at Wendy’s (or Whataburger for that matter), let alone seen the silly ads back in the 70s in the U.S. Yes, David’s chances of a relationship from this show are pretty much doomed. We’ll still watch it anyway, as we Americans love to watch train wrecks and car chases.
Again David prays before dinner, and we get some asides about their religiousness of lack thereof. Confusing this pack of European hussies for a priest and the picnic spread for a confessional booth, David asks for the forgiveness of his sins, which prompts the ladies to inquire as to the nature of his sins. Someone asks if he curses. One of the ladies wasn’t familiar with that particular English word, so to demonstrate cursing, Tereza sets fly a blue streak that would straighten Carrot Top’s hair. Can you only imagine how that moment would look, as his mop of red hair is probably a foot long if it was zapped straight for an instant. Tereza then either brags or apologizes (it’s hard to tell because they’re European) that she curses like a sailor, doesn’t wear underwear, and drinksa lot of champagne. They grill him about his investments, his rich uncle, his father’s profession. David lies valiantly and now needs to remember all the details. Anique likes that David seems so honest and open. Great judge of character, so far, Anique.
Group Date - A Slice of Pisa
Getting ready for the final group date, David is worried about holding the story straight. Paul is trying to hurry along Karolina, Linda, Alessia and Petra for a date in Pisa. David gives a mini-tour with the history of Pisa that Paul had pounded into his brain, to the amusement of Alessia, who’s Italian and hearing the history of her home country from a Texan. I’ll admit it would be weird for some European guy to show up and start telling me the history of the Midwest. Of course it would be a rather short story, as nothing of significance has ever happened here, unlike historic Pisa. My daughter has a book about the Leaning Tower of Pizza. Now I’m hungry. Pizza!
David announces that he’s Catholic and asks if any of them are also. Alessia indicates that she is also Catholic, and they can get married in the church right now. She also referred to him as “my husband” and brought him a tacky plastic lei in three neon colors that matched her dress. Despite all of these indicia of dementia, I like Alessia as she seems quite delightful. David was a sport and wore it the rest of the day. They all strolled down the street arm in arm singing songs. The group was served a formal dinner on a rooftop with a view of the tower. They toast with wine, and he’s drinking beer. That’s my boy, David. And it isn’t some chunky European beer either, as it looks like Miller Lite. I’m not a gemologist, but as a native Wisconsinite I’ve got a pretty good eye for beer. Less filling, for when you’re on a date with four European women.
The ladies gather in the pool. Giadia is drunk, Alessia gushes about the date, and the rest of the girls tease her about whether she thinks David loves her too. Meanwhile Linda and Karolina have a private conversation about the “moment” that Linda shared with David, as she likes him, but thinks that if she met him on the street she never would have given him a second look. That’s honest, so I respect Linda’s ability to recognize that she is attracted to him in this situation more than she would have been absent $80 million dollars of fake inheritance.
Looky looky, it’s hostess Samantha, here with the news that there will be an elimination tonight. Giada is nervous. Lina would be the “saddest person in the world” if she doesn’t get to stay. Yes, I’m sure people with terminal illness or missing children would admit that their sadness would pale in comparison to Lina’s depression over getting the boot tonight. The other girls are talking about Cat, declaring her to be a “total bitch” with fake boobs. This is the European difference, as I don’t remember any US reality tv show female contestants attacking each other over boob jobs, even with some of the fakest ones ever to grace the small screen, like Big Brother 3’s Tanya. Augementation is just a given among American reality TV contestants, where it is still an issue among the European women. How refreshing. Now let’s go after them about shaving (or lack thereof). Oh, another difference. Eeeek. Maybe Fox should have got Venus razors to sponsor this show, with an “incentive” to the contestants.
Jewelry Time – Sapphire Necklaces
The women go to the elimination ceremony, in a wide variety of attire. Some of the women are in dresses, but another one is wearing oddly colored pants. We know that David has a penchant for ugly pants, so make that will work in her favor. Samantha springs into view from behind the drapes, inspiring groans from the ladies.
We are shown sapphire necklaces for the 9 ladies who have the opportunity to stay.
David shows up in a rather shiny shirt. I don’t think that is 100% cotton, and I’m surprised that a nature boy like David would wear anything that doesn’t breathe. David delivers his “no hard feelings” speech once again, and Paul calls out for the final nine:
Cat – class girl, great looking, not sure that she’s really into him.
Giada and Linda – were the next two, but I missed what David said about them because the Martians were on Sesame Street which my daughter was watching in the next room, so I HAD to go watch that part with my daughter. You just can’t miss the Martians, Mom. Yup yup yup yup, uh huh, uh huh.
Kristyna – she’s hanging in the brush, but slowly coming out and showing signs of interest.
Lina – she has a dry personality, declares her “uppity” but he’s going to give her a shot. I think David knows what uppity means, but is willing to risk it because Lina is hot. Those stripes don’t change, David, bail out now.
Alessia – she has a rose for him, she’s very funny, loves to joke and take control of the conversation, she’s very giving and appreciative.
Anique – I don’t know if she has a “real sarcasm” sense of humor and if she’s cracking on me. David says the way that she turned and walked away, he realizes he should have kept someone else instead of Anique. Good insight, David, now remember that next week when it comes to doling out the jewelry.
Petra – is a cutey pie, always smiling and a good mood. He puts on her necklace and declares her “fixed up.”
Olinda rolls her eyes, realizing that there are 3 girls left and only one necklace. Paul calls Olinda’s name, she declares David a “super hot comedian.” Yeah, comedians are known for their good looks, like um, Jay Leno and Bobcat Goldthwait.
Tereza and Karolina don’t get necklaces. He apologizes to the two ladies who leave, and declares that they are all friends and it’s like kicking one of his buddies out of the truck on the way to a rodeo. How many seats does your truck have, David, that you can’t figure out how many of your friends can fit in it before you depart for the rodeo? Even assuming an extended cab, I’m thinking no more than 4 cowboys can fit in his truck, and if you can’t keep straight a number that can be counted on one hand . . . Of course the cowboys I grew up with always wanted the girls to sit right next to the driver so they could sneak in a quick grope while they operate the stick shift (the three on the tree) which is attached to the floor somewhere between the legs of the center seat passenger. I digress. Let’s just say, those cowboys weren’t kicking any of the ladies out of their pickup trucks.
Tereza was the first to ask about the money, so he wanted her gone. I don’t remember Tereza raising it first and I liked Tereza much more than Anique or Olinda, so that was a disappointment. Karolina was close friends with Linda, and David gave her the business end of his cowboy boot because it would be awkward for him to date Karolina while she is so close to one of his top prospects.
Next week, the ladies get to try out his own cowboy lifestyle, but some of the ladies object to mucking stalls with him. Bumpkin will be back to operating the laboring oar with next Monday’s recap, with me taking Tuesday, assuming that the show will still be airing then. You can email us at email@example.com m or firstname.lastname@example.org and we usually love to hear from you. Until next week, beware of the buckle bunnies.