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Thread: Help! I’m a Celebrity --- And I’m Constipated Episode 4 & 5 recap

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    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Help! I’m a Celebrity --- And I’m Constipated Episode 4 & 5 recap

    Day 4 in the camp and the celebrities are finally feeling the consequences in living in the jungle. Robin tries to boost the morale at camp by saying “The worst enemy in this 100 square feet is the ten of us … we are our own worst enemy … and we have to change it.”

    At the same meeting, Julie is talking about the group using a lot of “four-letter words.” We here at home just get those annoying beeps. Julie suggests that if you are going to use a four-letter word, maybe it should be “love”. Awww, NOT. Unless of course it sounds like this: “Why don’t you go LOVE off you LOVIN’ Mother LOVER. You’re so full of LOVE your eyes are LOVIN’ Brown you piece of stinkin’ LOVE” …. Yeah, that would work, but instead we get a Group hug.

    Then we get to hear all about the bowel movements.. or rather lack there off. Yes, even celebrities get constipated. To be perfectly honest with you I need to hear about their bathroom problems about as much I need to see yeast infection medication adverts on TV. They were offered prunes (Another reason Survivor’s law suit was ridiculous) so they could get things moving along.

    Out of nowhere, Melissa brings up the topic that while Nikki was on her way back from the Alligator Pit she was joking and laughing with the cameramen until she arrived at camp, at which time she started crying. This, of course pisses Nikki off, so Robin runs in to hug her. I personally think they are just looking for arguments to spice up the stay at camp.

    Our new tribe president… Cris! He does exist! In an attempt to get the groups attention for orders, it takes someone else’s voice than his. It takes Tyson to step in, “SHUT UP and listen to him,” followed by a rolling-eye Melissa. Chris just laughs it off.

    Time for … Celebrity Bloopers!!! With Cris in an interview talking about “group efficiency” and watching out for each other, a stray branch seems to fall from nowhere, knocking him off of his seat. We see it once and laugh, we are then treated to the Slow motion version, and have to laugh again. Mind you, he was more shocked than hurt, so I didn’t feel bad about laughing. “Wow. The dangers of the Jungle!”

    Here goes Nikki and her bikini, well maybe not this time, to another Bushtucker Trial. “America hates me,” she insists. Robyn must like talking about her bikini because he said America “wants to see you in your bikini” more than five times. “You will now be America’s Number One Blonde.” Time for another hug from Robin. He loves every moment of this.

    Nikki goes down under. Get your mind out of the gutter, it is the name of the Trial. If she stays buried alive for 10 minutes, she wins 10 meals… 1 minute, she wins 1 meal. I think it pertinent to add at this point, that when we were shown what the trial would be we were shown a pit in the ground…. Deep…. Dirt walls….. creepy crawlies….. Nikki, however was shown to a box. Yes, a box. Wooden walls, no creepy crawlies, not even lowered into the ground. After a lot of noises from the box, Nikki swears there’s a snake slithering over her stomach. After 4 and a half minutes… “Get me out of here!” Nikki is pulled out and showed that there were absolutely no creatures in there. She was still convinced that there was a snake after seeing the empty cage. Upon her return to camp, her story changed from feeling a snake to feeling a snake AND a bunch of spiders around her head. Anything would sound better than; “I couldn’t lay in a box for ten minutes… sorry”. Hmmm, I am beginning to think Nikki is the MOLE.

    Kids, it's bath time! With Nikki in the water pit, its revealed that Alana hasn't had a bath yet. Who cares, its just been oh, four or five days for the celebrities, right? That's just gross! She is asked about it and her excuse is "It's freezing!" I never would have guessed seeing as they are ALWAYS in their bathing suits.

    Where's the celebrity box? It's by the cedar log? But there's tons of cedar logs! Julie and Bruce go looking for today's luxury box. Bruce constantly calls Julie forward like a little dog. I find it appropriate as she’s been acting like a female version of the species for days now. They got the question wrong, so instead of finding chocolate in the box, they found costumes. Just what grown campers want to play with out in the rain. John didn't want to join in with the costumes as he was missing his family.

    The campers decide to put Melissa’s mouth to use and put on a fashion show. We are treated to Robin!!! With his belly hanging out of his shirt - if you can call it a shirt. "I am going where no man has gone before." Melissa's response, "And hopefully won't go again." I actually agree with her. "Ladies and gentlemen, Tarzan and Jane!" Next we have John (wearing nothing but a piece of cloth, not covering his back side) and Nikki in… guess what… a bikini!

    With the fashion show over we learn that Alana has won the call in vote and will bob for Stars in Sundays episode. The next call in will determine who gets to swim with hundreds of leeches. Oh how I hope it’s Julie.

    Ahh, IT IS Julie. I can’t wait.

    Sunday we were treated to a 2-hour special. Funny how they think it’s time for a “recap” special at only 3-4 days in.

    Time was spent getting to know our celebrities a little better. To be honest with you I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know.

    I don’t know what Maria Conchita was in. I don’t know how long Cris was married to J-Lo, I also don’t know why she got custody of the “H” from his name. .. Maybe so she could become known as J-Ho. Just a guess.

    Joan Rivers freaks out about Melissa being outside. Tells us Melissa’s idea of roughing it is calling Room Service and not getting an answer by the third ring. We also learn that sometimes Joan is very funny as Stuttering John tells a story about an interview. He had asked her is she thought ugly people should have kids. Her response? “No, and I told your parents that” HAHAHAHAHAHA. I had to include that, as it was the funniest moment of the two hours.

    The editors deemed it necessary to include another shot of the full leech that fell off Bruce’s leg. It looked like a slug. If you’ve ever seen a hungry leech the fact that it looked like a slug would gross you out. They start off looking like little worms. Then we see that they threw this guy on the fire. Jerks. I mean that. The poor leech didn’t do anything it wasn’t born to do. I actually hoped it would pop showering them with Bruce’s A+. It didn’t.

    We also learn about the Luxury Items the celebrities brought with them. They were each allowed two items and the only outlawed things were electronics and the like. We got to see pillows, hats, gloves, a portable shower, a leatherman, and Nikki’s all important eyelash curler. Yes, an eyelash curler. Of course this is no ordinary eyelash curler. It looks like Black and Decker made it. Still, it helps no one, not even Nikki.

    Alana and Robin were sent off into the woods on the only sunny day thus far to collect the “treasure box”. This, of course pissed Julie off. She said, in front of Robin, that the camp shouldn’t send it’s two weakest players out to find it. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am sure they are the two weakest, but God woman, show some tact.

    The pair head out following the map and can’t find the box. They know they are in the vicinity, but can’t see it. The crew decided it would be funny to put the box in a tree. We, the loyal viewers saw the box many, many times. Once about a foot over Alana’s head. After looking for 30 minutes, Alana finally spots it and although she tells us she grew up in Texas, and therefore knows how to climb trees, she climbed Robin instead. They bring the box back and the camp attempts to answer the trivia question to earn some sort of luxury reward. The question asks what men find sexier in a woman. Big breasts or a high IQ. Everyone but Tyson lies and says High IQ. Everyone but Tyson was wrong. No reward for them, but we get to hear all about Melissa’s new breasts, and Nikki’s botched boob jobs. It took her 10 years to get breasts she liked. Thanks for sharing ladies.

    Finally it is time to watch Alana “Bob for Stars” in her Bush Tucker Trial. She needs to retrieve a star with her teeth that is placed in a box with various critters. There are, of course, 10 boxes representing a meal for each camper. The first few boxes are pretty innocuous, containing things like grubs, roaches, mice etc. I could have done the first 4 or 5. Alana, who is frightened beyond description, does a great job. The boxes get worse as the trial goes on. One had spiders. One had eels of some sort, but in that one the “handle” on the star had fallen off so Alana had to flip it to it’s side to grab it. All with out using her hands. She has completed nine of the ten and the host is floored. He admits he wouldn’t have tried some of them. Finally we get to box ten. It is uncovered and we see a cute little bear faced possum. A cute little bear faced, wild possum. A cute little bear faced, wild, hissing possum. A cute little bear faced, wild, hissing possum sitting ON the star. Honestly this would have been enough for me. Alana goes for it anyway earning my respect right then and there. She puts her head in trying to scoot him off the star so she can pick it up. He hisses loudly and Alana retreats. She tries again. More hissing and all of the sudden the cute little possum doesn’t look so cute anymore. The handlers decide that the possum is getting angry and Alana should stop. She complains that she should get the star, because she didn’t give up. Instead the handler moves the possum off the star so that Alana can try again. All I know is that she succeeded as I honestly got up and left the room while my family watched. I couldn’t stand it! This thing was inches from her face hissing like crazy. You go girl. When your camp mates see footage of that, they truly will not believe it.

    Before dinner is brought to the camp Cris teaches everyone how to dance. He is a damn fine dancer and the celebrities actually have fun for a while. Robin judges a dance contest and we all get a good laugh watching them try to dance. It’s amazing that it actually is a skill. Cris and Melissa win. Surprise.

    Dinner comes and Robin cooks up the fish and chicken. No one has tasted fish like this before and figure it must be some sort of fish indigenous to Australia. They as the producers and learn that it wasn’t fish at all. It was crocodile. This makes Nikki want to throw up. She’s a model so really this doesn’t surprise me. What surprised me was that she came up with a somewhat valid and convenient excuse for barfing.

    The campers learn who will be in the next trial. Bruce wants it sooooo badly, but alas, the public seems to like him so they voted for Julie instead. She seems ecstatic at the opportunity. She’s not as ecstatic as I am though. I know she will have to do whatever is needed to get the 10 meals, simply because Alana did it. I can’t wait to see the leeches attach, my fear is that she will taste so bitter that they won’t stay attached.

    Be sure to come back and check in for another wonderful recap in a few days. We here at fansofrealitytv.com are willing to go that extra mile just so you won’t be left out. The punishments we endure here.

    To contact the authors of this article email either cali@fansofrealitytv.com or brian@fansofrealitytv.com
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    Excellent job, you two! Nikki's the mole...Hilarious!

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    FORT Fogey MollyRose's Avatar
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    Great recap!

    I've only seen the first episode, but am mildly (but ashamedly) interested in watching more of the horror. Do you think they will run a "marathon" type collection of all the episodes at the end like they did last night with Surreal Life?

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    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    I would say that if they do it would be on ABC Family instead of the regular ABC.

    I'd be interested to see what the ratings are.

    So far it hasn't conflicted to the point of not being able to tape it on one of our two TV's.
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    I understand ratings are sliding for the show, as expected.

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    I think it will be very hard to hold onto a large audience for the duration
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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    My Doppleganger Jupiter's Avatar
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    They've Got Me!

    I hate to admit it, but damn they've got me hooked. I stay absolutely transfixed to this show. Maybe its because of our bad winter...I don't know. I was proud as punch of dear old Alana wrangling that possum thingy. Julie B. looked like she stuck her finger in a big ol' pile of sh** when Alana said she won 10 meals!

    Great recap! I am looking forward to tonite's episode and Julie with the leeches.

    ....You can't fix stupid.......Ron "Tater Salad" White

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    I hope the leeches don't let go tonight! I'm so mean.
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    Rox
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    I can’t wait to see the leeches attach, my fear is that she will taste so bitter that they won’t stay attached.
    LMAO!
    ...........
    "The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own."

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    My Doppleganger Jupiter's Avatar
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    I thought it was lousy of them to throw that leech into the fire. They could have just scooped it up onto a branch or something and tossed it out of camp. No need for such drama. Really...at the risk of sounding like a member of PETA..(I'm not)..leeches are people too.

    And what about the crocs being targeted with a tranquilizer gun so Miss Nicki wouldn't get one of her perfectly pedicured toes bit off? Now anyone who is a devotee of Crocodile Hunter knows that you are never...ever supposed to tranquilize an animal unless absolutely necessary.

    I don't call tranquilizing a croc to protect a celeb during a dumb ass stunt "really necessary". Oh well, don't mean to go on a rant here...just my opinion.
    ....You can't fix stupid.......Ron "Tater Salad" White

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