It should be noted that throughout the entire season of this show, I’ve probably caught a total of about 30 minutes, so tonight’s recap will be brought to you by my virgin eyes. Not only that, but here at the Rose household, we have been slathering paint on anything that doesn’t move, and now I can’t move. Ah, the irony of this situation is not lost upon me…oh no it’s not! Therefore, I am currently recapping with ice packs on my shoulder and neck. Warning: if the recap should suddenly stop mid-sentence, please look for me at St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. But for the sake of all things Hilton, I will try to persevere, so on with the show!
Sitting around a little iron bistro table dishing the dirt are Latricia, Vanessa and Jackaay, but what I find most interesting is not what they are saying, but what in the hell is that in Latricia’s hand? What is she smoking? A small cigar/cigarillo? Does Mrs. Hilton approve of that thing? I can’t quite picture Kathy sucking on one of those, but then I might not be quite so shocked to see one sticking out Paris’s mouth, so maybe it’s not that big a deal. But before I get too distracted by the cigar, it’s quickly come to my attention I’ve missed a lot of action by not watching this show. Apparently Jules and JW have become close, and what follows are shots of just how close they have become. We see them entangled on a couch, in a chair, and in a bed. Jules tells us they have…wait for it…say it with me now, “a connection.” *gasp* I’m so programmed when I hear the word ‘connection,’ I fully expect to see Chris Harrison come into the room with a red rose, but alas, no drama here. *sigh*
Forget About Wheaties - Let’s Just Choke Down Wheatgrass
The kids meet on the rooftop for a healthy breakfast of wheatgrass shots and protein drinks. I’ve never tasted wheatgrass, but one look at the grimaces on their faces tells me all I need to know about it. Thanks, Kathy, but I think I’ll pass. From the rooftop to the gym they go, as voice-over guy tells us, “living the good life always means out-living your enemies.” There’s a great motto for you. Of course, it only works if you don’t meet with some unfortunate accident at a young age. Each contestant is given a one-hour session with a personal trainer, and we watch as each of them lifts weights, sprints and sweats. Wow, this is an exciting show. *note sarcasm*
They meet up with Kathy and she informs them that to live life to the fullest, you have to be in great physical condition. Hey, I thought that’s what plastic surgery is for? And private chefs. And wardrobe consultants. And makeup artists. Also, I’m no fashionista, but that sweater Kathy’s wearing, draped preppy-like over her shoulders, looks just as ridiculous now as it did in the 1980’s. Isn’t that passé?
Let’s Get Ready to Rumble
Latricia and Jackaay are assigned as team leaders, and Kathy announces that the teams Park and Madison are declared out of style, and tonight the teams will be Blue and Green. Oooh, how suspenseful. Jules looks devastated. I may be new to this show, but I’m a quick learner, and I suspect she’s worried she won’t be on JW’s team. Jackaay is captain of the Blue Team and chooses JW, Jaret and Jules, and a look of relief washes over Jules. Note to self: Jackaay’s criteria must be that your name begins with a ‘J’ in order to make her team. Latricia is captain of the Green Team, and chooses the other folks whose names don’t begin with a ‘J’, Vanessa, Brenden and Niki.
There are three events to today’s challenge: croquet, rowing and best in show. Kathy must have some dirt on Lennox Lewis, the heavyweight champion (either that, or he just needed some airtime), because he’ll be there to cheer them on with his weird little dog, Teacup. I guess if you’re the heavyweight champion, no one would dare walk up to you and tell you how silly your little rat-dog looks.
The first challenge is speed croquet between Brenden for the Green Team, and Jaret for the Blue Team. Jaret beats Brenden’s time by a few seconds, and the Blue Team gets their first win. Lennox Lewis may be dynamite in the ring, but even he can’t punch any suspense into this show.
Next up is the rowing competition, and Jackaay, Jared and Jules will be in the Blue boat, with Niki (who secretly rows as a hobby, ooooooh), Vanessa, and Brenden competing in the Green boat. The Green team wins and Jared, who is so irate about losing (who are these people?), dives into the green, putrid lake water. Mr. Camera Guy gives us a good, long shot of the ducks in the lake, and you can almost see them pooping into the vile liquid.
Going To The Dogs
The next lame contest will be a Miniature Canine - Best in Show competition. Yawn. The teams discover they each will be competing using miniature poodles. The judging will be based on sportsmanship, performance and timing, and they are instructed they can only use toys, treats or praise to encourage their dogs to perform certain tricks. The Blue Team gets a miniature poodle named Tangie, and the Green Team gets a freaky-looking dog, named Tikka. Latricia, appropriately refers to him as “the scariest dog on this side of the universe.” I hear ya, Latricia.
Dress for Success - The purpose of this ridiculous challenge is to dress your poodle in at least three articles of clothing the quickest. Jackaay and JW compete for the Blue Team, with Latricia and Brenden competing for the Green Team. Latricia says she is extremely nervous because she’s never handled a poodle. She’d be much happier with a rottweiler, a pit bull or a neighborhood mutt. I don’t blame her, that dog is a freak...I’m not even sure it can be referred to as a dog.
Obstacle Course - each team must lead their poodle through cones, over a ramp and through some hula hoops. Kill me now, please. Jackaaaay leads their dog by crawling around on the ground, and Jules thinks their dog is a schizophrenic, but eventually they get their dog through.
Latricia has absolutely no affection for her dog, and that dog has only one desire. To get as far away from both of them as he can. He has no interest in this challenge, and neither does Latricia. Hey, I don’t have any interest in this show, either, so we all lose.
Kiss Me - The teams are to have their poodle give them a kiss. Who dreams up this stuff? The only explanation for this is that Paris and Nikki came up with the idea after a hard night of partying with Tinkerbell. Is this show always this lame, and if so, how is it still on the air? I’m losing brain cells even as I type this. Latricia finally gets Niki to kiss her, whoop-ti-doo. JW finally gets a kiss from Tangie, because as Jackaay says, “all the ladies always run to JW.” In one of the worst dubbings in Reality TV history, the judge tells the teams she’s going to need a few minutes to decide who won, so they should meet Kathy to find out the results. Her mouth is definitely not saying the words we’re hearing, but I can’t even scrape together enough energy to truly care.
They meet in Central Park to announce the winner. Woo, hoo. The Blue Team won speed croquet, and the Green Team won the boat race, so it all boils down to the the dog challenges. Best sportsmanship overall is credited to the Blue Team, and they are the official winners, but Lennox says he’ll take both teams to dinner at the restaurant, Solo. The losers get to go, because Kathy decides they all need a break. Yes, that was quite a stressful day, wasn’t it? I feel drained. Latricia begins bitching about losing, and Jaret tells her to knock it off, which sends Latricia off into ballistic antics. Ask me if I care…I don’t.
At dinner, Lennox tells them not to be cheaters, so they won’t be known as a cheater. Wow, that’s deep. I think I’ll make a bumper sticker out of that bit of inspiration. Vanessa is impressed Lennox enjoyed the entire dinner with them, as opposed to him enjoying just part of the dinner, I guess. Jules wants to know what it’s like to knock out Mike Tyson, and Lennox answers “easy.” Whoa, a little below the belt there Lennox…I like it! He then presents everyone with their own autographed boxing glove, and they act like the gift is priceless. You just know some of them are quickly trying to figure out what that glove will net them on eBay, so just for fun, I checked eBay myself and found an autographed glove (that looked exactly liked theirs) with a starting bid of $35. So much for priceless.
You’ve Got To Play The Hand You’re Dealt
As they walk in to face Kathy, Brenden tells us he’s about to take the gloves off (ah, perfect analogy for a Lennox episode), and he predicts it will come down to Vanessa and him at the bitter end, even though he can’t stand her. Niki states she doesn’t know Latricia very well, but being on her team has convinced her Latricia doesn’t have the attitude or mentality to be a winner. Latricia is nervous because she doesn’t know her team members very well, and she’s not sure what lays ahead of her. Vanessa believes that Niki doesn’t understand what it’s like to be in the ’hot seat’. Cue intense music, and prepare to be under whelmed.
Kathy graciously enters, and addresses the group. Kathy asks Niki who she thinks is the weakest link, and she thinks Latricia has a bad attitude because she’s lost so many times before. Latricia says it’s hard coming from a losing streak, but she feels that she rooted for them, her spirits remained high, and she doesn’t want Kathy to be swayed by them. Kathy asks Brenden what he thought, and he agrees with Niki. As Latricia’s eyes bug out of her head, she says they turned on her as soon as they all walked into the room, but it’s “okay, it’s perfectly all right.” I’m not fooled however; those buggy eyes belie what she’s saying, that’s for sure. Latricia and Brenden begin talking to each other, over each other and at each other. Kathy sits idly by, and lets the two of them go at each other for an interminably long time. I expect Lennox to come bouncing into the room, presenting more boxing gloves, and I wait to hear the bell signifying the beginning of Round One. I’ve learned a lot from these watching these two. The most important thing I’ve learned, is that most likely since the show is such a snooze, the editors were so thrilled to get drama somewhere, they decided to let this 120 seconds (yes I actually timed it) play itself out. Toward the end of Latricia’s tirade, she sarcastically calls him “sweetie” twice, rolls her eyes, and eventually interrupts him by repeating the word, “I, I, I, I,” in a Rainman monotone, implying he thinks the world revolves around him. Within the few minutes I saw of this show a few weeks ago, I loved Latricia. Now after having seen this episode, I can’t stand her. I’m thrilled Kathy finally interrupts this nonsense, as I could have done with about 110 seconds less. Kathy quietly states this adventure is about how to deal with conflict, stress and dealing with people, and now she’s a little concerned. A little concerned? I guess when your daughter’s sex tape makes it to the internet, this nonsense is simply a minor inconvenience. Latricia tells her she gets nervous facing Kathy, but she’s a fighter, and she deserves to be here. Brenden says he’s spent 30 years “busting his hump” to get ahead and he deserves this opportunity. In another display of poor voice dubbing, Kathy asks him to pick one person besides himself to stay on. He chooses Niki, because at the age of 22, she’s had a rough life. When Niki is asked who she would like to stay, she chooses Vanessa, and Brenden shoots her a look of betrayal. Ouch. Niki wants to stay because when she looks through magazines, she’s always dreamed of living this life. Now there’s a convincing argument for you. She continues that her grandfather died just before she came on the show. Prior to his death, he told her, “this is the one thing you’ve always wanted, go do it.” She breaks down crying as she says this, and Kathy begins dabbing at her eyes also. But Latricia, who is sitting next to Niki, is rolling her eyes, and looking like she’d love to push her into the duck-poop lake. Finally, something entertaining on this show! I feel like I’m watching a poker game, and since Latricia can’t pull out a dead grandfather card, she uses her son card, and reminds Kathy she’s not here for herself, but for her son. It's Vanessa's turn to cry, and she says she’s gone through life with so many disappointments…she never expects things to work out in life. She grew up poor, and she doesn’t want to die poor. She’s hoping to use this opportunity to get her own business going (using the all-important this-is-a-springboard card). Brenden says it’s hard being the only "dude" in a room full of crying women. He says most men could understand his predicament. He says when a man is in that position, he’s a jerk no matter what he does. Not being a guy, I’ll take his word for it, because in a weird, twisted way I think he’s right.
Kathy tells Brenden, he’s one tough character, she sees the leader in him and wants to see the gentleman, too. In Latricia she sees the passion and conviction, but five times she’s been before Kathy (and that can’t be good.) Kathy tells Niki, this is a golden opportunity for her, but being sweet and pretty is not going to pull her through. What, it’s not?! Hasn’t that worked for Paris and Nikki? She wants her to take some risks and be seen and heard. Kathy feels Vanessa has finally opened up, and she admires her strength and control, and she would like to see that continue. Niki, Vanessa and Brenden are allowed to give Kathy a hug and kiss-kiss and join the other safe people in the dining room. Latricia, off the list, thanks Kathy for the experience, and tells Kathy she is going home a changed person (somehow I doubt that). Following in the Reality TV Formula Rule Book, from now on no more teams…everyone will be fighting on their own, and following Rule #15, the contestants who have been knocked off the list during previous episodes, will be coming back to wreck havoc. Oh, and Kathy says the word, “damn” in the next episode. Ah, thank God it’s over. Now excuse me while I hug my big labrador and see if he’ll give me a kiss. Would you tell Lennox his dog is a freak? Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.