IWANTTOBEAHILTON, 7/05 Recap: The Show's Not Over Until the Obnoxious Lady Sings
Much like Shazzer’s predilection for wearing a unitard as often she can, I have the habit of donning the same at-home uniform as soon as possible after work every day: a hole-y pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt that has seen better days. Which was perfect tonight, since it made me feel right at home with the wannabe Hilton’s and their shabby, shoddy dress code. Don’t you think it stands to reason that if you want to be a Hilton and you're standing face-to-face with the Hilton matriarch, that you might try a bit harder to look the part?
Since I had not watched this show before tonight, I was initially a little lost getting everyone sorted out, but I think I got it. More for my sake than yours, here is a run down of who I remember:
Yvette: Snotty blonde Vegas dancer with an accent, maybe English, more likely Aussie.
Ann: Pretty Asian girl with a very manly voice. She is prone to sudden outbursts of song, and says things like “It’s going to be so nervous sitting in there.”
Jabe: Seems like a nice enough guy, reminds me of the less annoying jocks from my high school days. Stocky and possibly southern, he’s clean-cut and non-remarkable.
Jackaay: I can’t look at her. She reminds me of Mira Sorvino in Romy and Michele, but less feminine and more pit bull. To her credit, she hates Yvette and Ann as much as I already do.
Latricia: Probably the least likely to win this show, but I love love love her. She works for the DMV, which is a dead giveaway that girlfriend has ATTITUDE. She can speak volumes with a simple arch of her eyebrow and slight pursing of her lips. I am laughing right now just thinking about it.
Rashad: He’s got style, but more street than Park Avenue. He’s level-headed, and likes to distance himself from the drama and just get things done.
Jaret: Another possible southern boy, but a lot more metro than Jabe. He has a cute gap tooth and can get a little excited sometime, not unlike a Chihuahua.
And for the life of me, I can’t remember anymore names, but there is that one girl who is a receptionist, and she gripes a lot. Who else… who else? I guess they didn’t show much of the Park team tonight, and I think we all know why, don’t we? Now, on with the show!
Voulez Vous le Francais?
After a brief introduction to fine arts, Mama Hilton hands each team a map of New York City, two cell phones, and a stack of clues. They must solve a riddle, go to the specified location, and perform a fine arts-related task. They are to reconvene at Cleopatra’s Needle in Central Park no later than 4 pm, and the team with the most tasks completed will win. Ready…set….go!
Team Madison marks off on their map where each clue will take them and splits the tasks by East and West NYC, with Ann, Yvette and Jackaay going one way, Jabe and Latricia the other. Before they split, they read through the clues, and see that one is written in French. “Ooh, I speak the French!” Yvette burbles, and she translates to English something that sounds to me like “Presidio Cite voulez vous kissy assy Café de Artiste avec moi!” How fortunate for Team Madison that Yvette knows ‘the French’!
Team Park head off as a unit, but Rashad quickly realizes it is in their best interest to break up into sub-teams and keep in touch with the cell phones they have. He leaves with Jaret, and they wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am the first two riddles, by learning to play Chopsticks in a piano store and reciting Edgar Allen Poe from a book store balcony.
WWJD (What Would Joey Do?)
Yvette, Ann and Jackaay are struggling with reading the map and wonder how they are supposed to tell which way is “up or down” an avenue, because they are going “left and right.” I yell at my TV and tell them to do it like Joey Tribiani would: put the map down on the ground, and step into it. There’s no better way to get your bearings in a strange city. Despite the confusion, they get to their first destination, where Yvette learns and performs a ballet routine effortlessly. She is given a pink tutu, which she puts on and wears for the rest of eternity. I guess it makes her feel like Paris.
Cut to Jabe and Latricia, who are moving slowly but steadily. See, Latricia is a big girl and not in the best of shape, physically speaking. But she does not give up or whine, and she earns Jabe’s respect by carrying on without complaint. They finish their first two challenges, and then come to the realization that Yvette doesn’t know ‘the French’ as well as she claims: they are two miles in the wrong direction because of her botched translation.
Even faced with this setback, Jabe and Latricia finish their third and final task and head back to the Needle, where they find that Team Park is already assembled, with five challenges completed. They try to contact the rest of their team by mobile phone, but no one answers. Finally, at least 20 minutes after the 4 pm deadline, the wayward girls call Jabe, who tells them it’s all over, and that Team Park has won the challenge.
I Learned a Dance For You Like to See It Here I Go!
At 4:45, they finally arrive at Cleopatra’s Needle, Yvette skipping and prancing in her tutu. Rather than apologize for making her team lose, she asks if everyone wants to see the dance she learned, and everyone yells ‘No!’ Kathy Hilton shows up and begins to speak to the group, when she is suddenly cut off by Yvette, who comes forward and does the damn dance anyways. In unison, Kathy and I say, “okaaaaay….”
The time has come for the losing team to gather in the parlor, and we are reminded that tonight there will be two eliminations, with one person being chosen by Kathy and the other by a majority vote by the team. That’s quite a hit to a five-person group, but I can easily think of two who should be gone immediately. There is a visible separation of the team, with Jackaay, Jabe and Latricia on one side of the divan, and the two self-serving asshats on the other. What, is that mean?
Before the voting begins, Kathy invites commentary on what exactly went wrong. Naturally, you would expect some dissention at this point, being that there are five different points of view; what happens next quickly progresses from entertaining to pure Reality TV Gold!
It's Like That One Time When Paris and Nicky Were Fighting About Who Is Prettiest
Jackaay points out that Ann is constantly singing, and it seems like she is only on the show looking for a recording contract. Jabe asks why they never answered the phone, and Ann says it was just distracting them from focusing on the challenge. Lies and excuses spew out of Yvette and Ann’s mouths, and oopsie- there goes Latricia’s eyebrow again! Those two lie more effusively than Tom Cruise talks about Scientology.
When confronted about her poor translation of the French clue, Yvette says that someone read the riddle to her over the phone and it wasn’t her fault it was pronounced improperly. Latricia counters that her knowledge of French is limited to “French fries and French toast”, and that everyone knows Yvette read the clue directly. Kathy is shocked that the mistake took Latricia and Jabe 2 miles out of the way. The bald-faced lying continues, until Kathy can take no more. Here is a re-enactment of what follows next:
Kathy: “Yvette, why do you think you should remain in the competition?”
Yvette: “While everyone here seems to think that I am already at your level, I…”
Ann, suddenly singing: “Did you ever knoooow that you’re my heroooooooooo?”
Kathy: jaw drops
Latricia: eyebrow up
Yvette, now speaking louder: “…feel like I have the most to gain…”
Ann: “…and everrrrrrything I wish I could beeeeeeeeeee…”
Jabe: completely dumbfounded
Jackaay: I don’t know, because it hurts me to look at her
Yvette: [finally gives up trying to be heard over the torch song]
Ann: “…I could fly higher than an eaaaaagllllllle, ‘cause you are the wiiiind beneath my wingggggggs.”
Ann: Eyes misting over with emotion.
Now it is time for the voting, and Yvette whispers to Ann, “Jackaay?” Ann nods in agreement. Do they not realize that their clique is the minority here, and it doesn’t matter if they vote for Jackaay or Mickey Mouse, it’s not going to make a dangily-darn-difference?
The votes are finally revealed, with two votes for Jackaay and three for Ann. I am left wondering how they calculated the ‘lesser of two evils’ equation, but I am relieved that poor Ann won’t have to worry about ‘nervousing’ any more. Kathy, who has remained calm thus far, has a wee tear in her eye when she tells Ann she is “off the list.” Ann’s final comment is “I could have benefited more from this than anyone.” She does not grace us with a swan song, much to my delight-slash-chagrin.
Now Kathy must reveal her choice, and doesn’t mince words telling Yvette she is also ‘off the list’. (Maybe they were just watching a game on TV, but at that very moment my neighbors cheered and I joined them.) And while I am glad to see that heinous backstabber get the boot, I’m afraid I won’t be compelled to watch again next week without her there. We’ll see.
Banished to the limo and on her way back to her designated pole in Las Vegas, Yvette explains that everyone is just jealous of her. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Hey Yvette, you wanna see the new hand gesture I learned? firstname.lastname@example.org