Welcome to another episode of the finest trash on television! Tonight, only 12 remain to fight it out for New York’s heart, (and possibly a raging case of gonorrhea if my suspicions are correct), and they all think that they’ve got this thing in the bag.
Tailor Made is still mad at It for claiming he bought the 3 dozen roses for New York, but he’s willing to overlook his anger for a while so he can talk some smack about The Entertainer. On a side note, I would like to take this opportunity to announce that from here on out, I will be known as The SueEllenMishke. Thank you. Anyway, Tailor Made thinks that The Entertainer doesn’t have any game and is just a hater. He decides to start stirring the other guys up, and talks to Midget Mac about how The Entertainer always makes fun of him because of his height, and jokes that he drives a Tonka™ Truck. But Midget Mac doesn’t drive a Tonka™ Truck, thankyouverymuch, he drives a Chevy Impala! So in your face, The Entertainer!
Tailor Made’s plan works, and with a declaration to “beat [The Entertainer’s] bitch ass,” Midget Mac scurries off to find The Entertainer and yell at him. Oh, and beat his bitch ass. The Entertainer immediately knows that Tailor Made is behind this outburst, and yells at him and gets all up in his face, and all the while Tailor Made is taunting him and telling him to throw a punch so that he’ll get kicked off the show. Because it would take every guy in that house getting kicked off the show for Tailor Made to actually win, and I’m sure he knows that.
It’s like Survivor… without the good prize.
Okay, that little fight is over for now, but next Buddha decides it’s his turn to get things started, and proposes that they all play a joke on Tailor Made and It for causing a scene at the Elimination Ceremony and fighting over the roses. The guys decide to write up a fake note from New York stating that there is a special challenge that night, and the winner will get an extra-special private breakfast with New York. And the challenge these geniuses thought up? The guy who stands in the yard the longest wins. Oookay. Buddha thinks this prank will be excellent, and I’m going to need to see it before I pass judgment.
Uh-oh, apparently not all of the guys were in on the planning for this one, because Cheezy is super excited about the idea of standing all night so that he can win a date with New York. One by one the guys drop off until at 5:47 am, only Cheezy, It and Tailor Made remain. Thankfully, Cheezy drops out, because when New York wakes up and walks outside, she reveals that there was no challenge, and then laughs at their misfortune.
I majored in Marketing for this?
The next day, the guys get their real challenge, and it’s to help New York develop her brand. They’re broken up into teams, and the first team is Cheezy, Tailor Made and It. I assume Cheezy must have horribly offended New York in some way to get stuck in this group, and he’s not too happy. Wolf, Buddha and 20 Pack make up the second team, and Buddha is full of some incredible ideas that include New York clothes, a New York car, and a New York book on etiquette. Written by a ghostwriter, I assume. I’m glad to see 20 Pack thinks all of these ideas are crap, and suggests that they develop a New York iPod. Yep. I’m sure Apple would be all for that. Actually, maybe they would be.
Moving on, the next group consists of Man Man, Midget Mac and The Entertainer. I probably won’t write too much about this group because they all have long names. The Entertainer comes up with the idea of a New York cologne, which they are going to package in a gin bottle, and sell for $200 a pop. The Entertainer makes the comment that he would pay $200 for a 750ML liquor bottle filled with cologne because it would last him at least a year. Now I know for sure that I never want to be within 20 feet of The Entertainer for fear of choking from his cologne cloud.
Pretty, Mr. Wise and Punk make up the last team, and they’re actually happy to be working with one another. They decide to go the clothing route and even come up with a pretty good logo.
Meanwhile, back on Team Cheezy, It and Tailor Made, Cheezy tries to get to guys behind his idea of a Foxy Brown type film, but It wants to market an AIDS test. Seriously, that’s his suggestion. This, folks, is why I love writing for this show so much because the jokes just write themselves.
Presentation Time! I hope no one presents a portable AIDS test.
New York is ready to see what the guys have come up with. She introduces them to celebrity publicist Siri Garber (who has represented Jeremy Piven and Paris Hilton, pre Entourage and jail), so I’m glad to see she has someone who knows what she’s doing helping her pick from all of these amazing ideas.
20 Pack, Wolf and Buddha are up first, Buddha is confident that they’ve prepared a great presentation and have the best idea. Two seconds in and I know they haven’t. The hook for their idea is YNI, which means “You and I.” Their product is built around loving New York and is some kind of bastardized iPod. New York is not impressed with their “Bedazzled iPod,” Siri is not impressed, and Mama is definitely not impressed. Next!
Man Man, The Entertainer and Midget Mac present their “fragrance for men and women.”. They explain their decorated poster board and price scheme, but when Siri asks why they think perfume is a good marketing idea for New York, they don’t know what to say. So they don’t say anything. Man Man finally comes up with this gem: “I mean, who don’t love to smell good?” and although he has a point, New York isn’t loving this idea, or the liquor bottle wearing a cape that The Entertainer’s is brandishing at her.
It’s time for Pretty, Mr. Wise and Punk to show their stuff, and I wouldn’t be surprised if these guys break out a PowerPoint presentation. They’ve come up with clothing lines, first: Classy Sassy for the teen who wants to look like a man dressed up like a woman, and Princess, for those special nights down at the dock propositioning sailors. The guys plan on hiring undiscovered urban designers, and plan to call the brand NuLove, which stands for Knowing You Look Unbelievably Voluptuous. Well. It was all going so well up until this moment, guys. New York does not appreciate being called voluptuous, because she thinks it means “fat.” Actually, New York, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, voluptuous means “suggesting sensual pleasure by fullness and beauty of form,” not “fat.”
New York is hoping for a great idea from the last group, but unfortunately for her, the last group consists of Cheezy, It and Tailor Made, so it probably won’t happen. But, then they reveal their Blacksploitation film idea, and even sing a theme song. Of course because this idea is absolutely ridiculous, New York loves it, and these guys end up winning the challenge! Huh. Who would have thought? Somehow Tailor Made wins the solo date, and Cheezy pitches a fit because it was all his idea, and he wrote and developed all of the materials. The guys encourage Cheezy to take this information to New York, and she throws him a bone and tells him that he can have the solo date. When Tailor Made hears about this, he runs up to New York’s room, and somehow convinces her to ditch Cheezy and go out with him instead, so she does. And Cheezy is mad. And I am bored.
Meh, boring date.
New York and Tailor Made take off in the limo and New York reveals that she thought about him all last night, and she wasn’t even sick! They pull up to a fancy jewelry store, and when they get inside they find a beautiful, romantic table set for the two of them. In the jewelry store. Weird. TM starts out creepy by telling New York that this is the first solo date with the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and New York and I roll our eyes. I feel a little sick to my stomach too, but I can’t speak for New York. New York ends the date by presenting Tailor Made with a tacky necklace, and he is so thrilled I think he’s going to cry.
Please keep you clothes on, Cheezy.
The next day Cheezy and It get to go on their double date with New York, and the invitation teases them by stating they will get to see New York at her hottest. It isn’t nervous that Cheezy will be on the date because he doesn’t see Cheezy as a threat. Or even a man.
The threesome roll into Pink Kitty Studios where the guys learn they get to have sexy photo shoots with New York. New York dresses up in some fine lingerie, and It gets so excited that he cannot contain himself and drools all over New York while grabbing her ass. Cheezy is disgusted by It’s behavior, but New York doesn’t seem to mind too much.
New York selects It for the first photo shoot, and they take lots of icky pictures while making out and gyrating all over a pool table. When it’s Cheezy’s turn, he tries to show his manliness by dropping trou and showing his boxer shorts with hearts all over them. She doesn’t let Cheezy kiss her, but she does handcuff him to the table and spank him, so at least he gets something.
The Entertainer does not have a foot fetish.
When New York gets back to the mansion, she finds a surprise! The Entertainer is in her bathtub! Wow. If I came home and The Entertainer was in my bathtub I would call the police… after a while. Maybe. Don’t judge me, okay! So, The Entertainer is in her bathtub and he wants to pamper her after her long day of taking naughty pictures with It and Cheezy. By “pamper her” The Entertainer means “suck her toes in a disgusting manner”, and I really don’t want to see it. They both keep their clothes on though, and I am happy for small favors.
As soon as New York gets out of the bathtub, Tailor Made knocks on the door and wants to speak to her. She asks him how he’s doing, and he replies that he would be a lot better if he hadn’t seen The Entertainer leaving her room. She tells him that this is her house, and she can do what she wants, and Tailor Made makes up some stuff about the other guys in the house, and how he doesn’t want her to be with The Entertainer because it’s not safe. New York actually finds Tailor Made’s jealous crap appealing, and I think maybe she should spend some more time on the therapist’s couch.
Please send at least 4 guys home.
New York starts off the Elimination Ceremony by telling the guys that a lot of them have potential. I guess the ones without potential are getting the boot, and I hope Tailor Made is one of them.
I’m not so lucky, because Tailor Made gets the first chain tonight. New York tells the group that she believes he is really there for her. Then she announces that he told her that The Entertainer is a psychopath Nice. Way to have your (backstabbing) guy’s back, New York.
It gets the next chain, then Punk, Buddha, Midget Mac, Pretty, 20 Pack, Wolf, Mr. Wise and finally The Entertainer. Mama New York does not approve of the last selection and yells at The Entertainer, calling him a filthy pervert and a freak. Well, maybe, but I think New York likes her men that way so it’s all good.
Tune in next week to see someone get spit on! And it’s not New York this time!