I know that I’ve given New York a hard time in the past. I’ve commented on her intellect, her possibly loose morals, and her absolutely wretched taste in men, but as I Love New York 2 premiers, I feel kind of sorry for her. As much as it sucks to get dumped repeatedly, how much worse does it have to be to have it all aired on cable? Yes, I could make the argument that she’s not looking for love- she’s just a reality TV whore, but would that be fair or accurate? Probably.
It looks like this time around, New York is going to start she desperately needs… therapy. I hope that’s a real therapist, because if anyone could use hardcore psychoanalysis, it’s New York. And Chance. New York tells her therapist the sad, sad story of how Flav dumped her twice, and then VH1 gave her her own show, but the guy she chose also dumped her. The therapist wisely tells her that this time she needs to find love on her own terms, and she will be successful. I hate to be negative here, but didn’t she select Tango on her own terms, and didn’t he dump her ass at the reunion show? Just checking.
Let’s meet the gentlemen… er, men.
VH1 really gave New York a variety of fellas this season. We have some buff brothers, a very skinny, very pale guy, a little person… the variety is just endless. New York, (led by the biggest boobs money can pay for), makes her grand entrance and immediately starts scoping the guys. When she gets to the little person, she starts to laugh hysterically, which is oh-so-classy and polite. One of the men leers at her and comments that he would like to go up there and “bite her in the ass.” Whoa. Watch out for that guy, New York.
New York reveals that VH1 let the fans select 5 fan favorites, and they’re already in the house! When they strut out, the rest of the guys boo them and act furious that the guys were allowed in the house before them. It’s all so unfair!!
Next bit of bad news for the guys? New York’s mom is back. Yay for us all. Immediately on seeing the little person, she manages to behave even more rudely than her daughter by exclaiming: “What is that??” Then she announces that she’s brought her own group of men, the Mama’s Boys, and when they climb out of the limo, I am pleasantly surprised. Not a thug among them, which means New York will send them all packing in no time. The other guys are mad again, and they boo again.
I would drink too.
The guys rush in, and Mama’s Boys find that Sister Patterson has set them all up in a room together, put their pictures by their beds, and set out milk and cookies for them. Awww… how wholesome. I’m sure the other guys will think it’s unfair, and be furious all over again. It’s not all cookies for Mama’s Boys though, because there’s a huge picture of Sister Patterson hanging on the wall scowling down at them.
The other guys eschew picking rooms in favor of getting good and drunk. Always a good idea when you’re trying to impress someone new and her (bitchy) mom. New York and Sister Pat dish upstairs while this is going on, and Sister Pat insists that the little person be sent home immediately. New York says she won’t cut him loose until he messes up. To that, Sister Pat replies that he’s already messed up, just by showing up. Wow. I’d like to take this opportunity to say thank you to my own mother for raising me right, and for allowing me to select my own men. And for not being a monster bitch- can’t forget that one. Mama New York then finishes off the warm and fuzzy girl talk by threatening to kill New York if she gets with the little person.
New York’s going to let the guys have some input about their nicknames this season. She thinks you can tell a lot about a person from his nickname. If she doesn’t like it though, she’s going to change it.
The Entertainer- Frank was the #1 Internet pick, and he thinks a lot of himself. New York reveals that a lot of guys are going home tonight, but The Entertainer isn’t one of them. He’s got a pass through to next week. Sister Pat refuses to shake his hand because she’s decided he’s a pervert. Ooookay.
Buddha- Anthony is a personal trainer, life coach and financial planner, (??). He wants to be called Buddha, and New York can’t figure out why anyone would want to be nicknamed after a little fat, bald guy, and I just don’t even know why I’m surprised that’s all she seems to known about Buddha. She decides that since he’s so gorgeous, he can be called whatever he wants.
Midget Mac- Mac is a little person, and New York’s mom is horrible to him, (of course).
Man Man- I didn’t catch his real name, and I actually thought he wanted to be called M’Man, but I guess Man Man is cooler or something. He says he’s two men in one.
Next up, a bunch of guys who get very little air time and we don’t even get to know their real names:
20 Pack- has quite the tight stomach. And is hopefully not nearly as annoying as 12 Pack from last season.
Doc- his last name is Holliday.
Sweetie Pie- he wants to be called Brooklyn, but New York doesn’t think so and wants to give him something generic.
Yours- named because he is New York’s.
Cheezy- wants to be called Jackpot, because when he plays, he always wins big and the next thing he wants to win is New York’s heart. New York and Co. do not think they should waste Jackpot on such a geek, and kindly name him Cheezy instead.
Knock Out- is a boxer, I guess.
Ears- thinks he’s the total package. New York and her mom disagree and name him Ears. Wait… this guy wanted to be called Total Package? What a tool.
Wolf- is not wearing shoes, and this really, really upsets Sister Pat. Not enough to call him Ears though.
Mr. Wise- reminds Sister Pat of Whiteboy from ILNY1, and he’s from Miami- where it’s real.
Milliown- wants to be called that because he’s cheesy now, just like he was when he was young. I’m not getting the correlation, but that’s probably just me.
Unsure- gets his name because New York and Sister Pat think he’s unsure about his sexual orientation. Ouch.
It- is a kind of strange man, so I guess It is a fitting nickname.
Now it’s time for Mama’s Boys:
Pretty- is from Mississippi, is currently in Law School and is far too good for New York. He is pretty though.
Punk- graduated from Harvard Law, is a lawyer with one of the top law firms in the world, and is far too good for New York. New York decides to call him Punk because she knows he’s a great intelligent man. She says that if he’s there for her, she can call him that and it doesn’t matter.
Champion- is a former NFL player and CEO and founder of two non-profit youth organizations. Do I even need to say it, or do we all know at this point that all of Mama’s Boys are way, way too good for New York? Mama names this one, after she falls off the couch and rolls around in rapture about his bio.
Tailor Made- tells New York that seeing her in person is like seeing the Sistine Chapel for the first time. Pictures don’t do her huge fake boobs justice. To her credit, New York rolls her eyes at this, and Mama gives him the name Tailor Made.
Are we done? Whew- twenty guys! Twenty incredible guys. How is she going to pick just one?
I’ll bet the “life coach” really knows how to party.
It’s mixer time, and I’m sure this is going to go well as half the guys are drunk already. New York tells the guys that she has to make a cut, and asks them to tell her if there’s anything they think she should know. Man Man tells her that it feels like it’s just the two of them there, and Wolf, tells her that his d*** is big. What a charmer! Actually, a line like that might work with New York. Man Man is angry that Wolf disrespected New York, and she tells them both that she’s a little horny.
Ears and some other guy I don’t recognize yet are much more boring. Neither of them feel the need to talk about how endowed they are. Ears even makes the mistake of talking about his last relationship. Midget Mac walks in next, and New York hopes that he can use his “magical powers” to save her from Ears. Midget Mac takes her outside, says a lot of stuff I can’t understand and lets her touch his hair. Midget Mac doesn’t tell New York about the size of his genitalia, but we at home are treated to footage of him talking about his “third leg.” Ick.
Meanwhile, Mama New York decides that she needs some eyes and ears to watch over things when she’s not there and keep her in the loop. She gathers her Boys together and they are happy to comply.
The rest of the guys try out their very finest pick up lines on New York:
- I wanna do anything I can to make you happy.
- It’s been destined for me to be with you.
- I haven’t had a girlfriend in 4 years.
- I’m full of everything you want me to be except s***.
These lines are pretty good, but I think that Wolf really set the bar high with his “My d*** is big” remark at the start of the party, so none of these guys have a chance.
New York gets some quiet time with the very attractive Buddha, and is interrupted by It who takes her hand and says a lot of weird stuff. He tells us that he really wants to have sex with New York because he’s handsome. Dude- it’s only the first night. You need to at least pretend that you think New York is your soul mate, instead of admitting right away that all you want to do is hit that. It starts to kiss New York’s arm and touch her, which makes Buddha ask if It has actually ever been with a woman. I vote no.
Milliown and Man Man get in the requisite fight, and I think it was Milliown’s fault. New York and her mom escape into the house and Mama declares that she does not want New York in that house with all of those freaks.
Who are you trying to kid? We all know they’re fake.
New York heads back out to the mixer, (probably in search of Wolf and his package), and runs into Champion. She tells him that he’s her mother’s favorite, but she doesn’t let her mom make decisions for her. Oooh- burn!
Next up, Tailor Made wants to speak to New York alone, so he tries to give Midget Mac money to go away. Wow, what an arrogant, jerky move, especially when Midget Mac would have walked away anyway. Tailor tells New York he would pay a million dollars for time with her, and I think someone is lying. She tries to talk to Pretty who compliments her body, and then Tailor butts in and sticks his foot in his mouth by saying that New York was perfect before and did not need breast augmentation. Um, yeah. I don’t know all that much about breast augmentation, but I can guess that most women who have had it don’t want a man to bring it up when he’s attempting to woo her.
New York asks why he would think her breasts are not real, (oh, I don’t know New York- maybe he looked at them), and he stammers a bit and says that he heard it somewhere but maybe he’s wrong. Tailor Made tells us that after a little while New York was actually repulsed by his ostentatious display of wealth, and he knows he’s going to need to tone it down a bit to win her.
Midget Mac sits down with Mama New York who says a bunch of ignorant things that I don’t want to repeat here, but then apologizes for offending him and screaming when she first saw him. I guess an insincere apology makes prejudice okay.
Buh-bye, It! What? She kept him?
It’s elimination time, and I hope that New York gets rid of at least 12 guys to make it easier for me to keep track of them. Sadly, she’s only getting rid of 5.
At the ceremony, New York starts off by telling the guys that they’re all awesome and she likes them all but she has to send 5 of them home. Whatever. She announces that The Entertainer was the first to get his chain at the nickname ceremony, and second is Pretty. Then Buddha, Mr. Wise and Man Man. New York calls Wolf next and comments that he told her something very personal about himself, and she liked that. Mama of course wants to know what he said, and when he tells her, she insists that he drop trou and prove it. New York nixes that idea, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Next, she chains Yours, 20 Pack, Punk, Cheesy, Tailor Made, Knock Out, Unsure, It (what??), and then finally Midget Mac. New York makes a point to say that she was laughing with Midget Mac and not at him. Sister Patterson tries to keep him from taking the chain, and once again I am amazed at how horrible she really is.
So, who didn’t make it? Ears, Doc, Champion, Milliown and Sweetie Pie.
Coming up this season? Boxing, S&M, fights, lots and lots of sex, and… Chance? Oh yay.