I Love New York 1/29 Recap: Donít Ever Tell A Women She Was Faking It!
Well, hello everyone. I never thought this show could be as good as Flavor of Love but I think itís holding its own. Last week we saw the man named Pootie go a little crazy. That was not shocking because frankly each of these men is a ticking time bomb. The fact they auditioned for a show to end up with a semi-attractive transvestite is pretty interesting. Each week they toss something new at us and this week we are heading off to church with the gang, I hope no one touches the holy water because it will for sure burn their skin. So letís bundle up tight (itís snowing like crazy here) and get ready for one of the most entertaining hours of television.
Bitch Better Like My House!
We are down to 9 guys and to be honest I still donít know all their names. Chamo gathers the men wearing a construction outfit ala the Village People. He looks sexy and fit and I notice some of the guys looking with envy. The note delivered instructs the men to go put on their handymen outfits and I cover my eyes. If any of them come out in anything similar to Chamoís I am just going to barf. We already saw Mr. Bostonís goodies and I just donít think I can handle anymore. Thankfully they are wearing wife-beaters with carpenter pants.
The men have been divided into 3 teams, the grey, white and black team. New York appears out of nowhere with Your Majesty, her small dog. She tells the teams they will each build a doghouse for her dog and the winners get a date with New York and more then likely a raging case of oral herpes. The men get to work and I am glad that there are no written instructions for the men to follow because it would have been painful to watch them try and sound out the words.
Some of the teams obviously have a grasp on construction and some of the teams have not a clue where they are or what they are doing. Tango gets a splinter and spends more time then a 5 year old girl would have with the onsite male medic. Mr. Boston and Chance get in a little argument over handling and nailing wood. **Insert your own bad joke here.** 12-pack and Heat are working on their team and Heat is just following 12- pack around. 12-pack refers to him as his own mini me. Meanwhile, New York is up in her bedroom spying on the men working. She is enjoying them sweating, hammering, and nailing and would like the winner to bring the saw into the bedroom. Frankly, a saw in the bedroom will only lead to someone getting cut!
The houses are completed and New York arrives with Your Majesty for the judging. The grey team uncovers their house and it is kind of like a little mansion. New York claims that her dog loves it but I can see in her eyes that she does not. The black teams house is next and this is just pathetic. Itís some long odd shaped house and in all reality I am surprised they were able to even nail the wood together. The last house is from the white team, itís a fancy little house but a little over the top. Well, Your Majesty loves it and runs right in. I am thinking they buried dog treats of some sort in there to entice her in, the house does not look that comfortable. The white team wins and they are going on a special date with New York and 12-pack gets the special prize for being the team foreman.
Head Shaving? Hasnít This Already Been Done?
Real, Heat and 12-pack gather for their date with New York, she informs them she will be having cocktails with Real, dinner with Heat, and dessert with 12-pack. The men are all excited and Real and New York head up to her room for drinks. Real has undone his cornrows and his hair is super large and fluffy. She loves his hair undone and I have to say it looks pretty spectacular. New York tells Real she is attached to him and his brother, Chance, but she will never come between them. She tells him she is really starting to feel him and that literally could be the case because we canít see her hands at this point. They start to make out and the passing of disease starts pretty quick. Their date is a success.
Heat meets New York on the back veranda for dinner. He starts acting a little loopy and I have a feeling he may have had too many cocktails or bong hits. New York asks him how his family will factor into their life if they get married. He tells her he wants his mom to move in with them or a house behind theirs. She tells him that is crazy and for once she seems to have some sense. Then she wrecks that illusion when she goes in for some kisses with him.
Meanwhile, back in the mansion the men are all hanging out cutting each otherís hair. Chance thinks that Mr. Boston needs his head shaved because he made him mad earlier. Remind me to never get on Chanceís bad side. The guys grab Mr. Boston and hold him to the ground, Chance runs the clippers over his hair but does not really do anything. They finally let him up and he goes to assess the damage. Mr. Boston is feeling good after the whole ordeal because it means the other guys seem him as a threat. Just keep telling yourself that Mr. Boston!
New York finds 12-pack and tells him that itís time for his special dessert. I realize right off this not going to be good. They go to her bedroom to learn about Tantra techniques from a coach. They put on special clothes, or slutty swimwear. They grind on each other and I am really feeling slightly ill. Outside, Real and Heat are feeling jealous that 12-pack is getting all this extra time with New York. Real decides to scale the balcony and see whatís going on. He sees the door is all steamed up and is still going to proceed into the room. He is a brave, brave man. New York notices and runs out to the balcony. New York busts Real and Heatís plan. 12-pack and New York go back into the room to finish the transfer of STDís. All is well in the mansion now.
Sometimes When We Touch, the Honestyís Too Much!
12-pack and Heat are not ready to go to bed after such a fun day of building doghouses and getting all dirty with New York. They decide to stay up and drink and party. 12-pack leaves on his tight leopard shorts under the mistaken impression he looks good in them. They start getting really drunk and having a good time, 12-pack even does the robot. I always enjoy a good robot but I am sure the amount of time he did the robot would have even worn me out. They eventually move their little party/date outside and Heat tells 12-pack he has the best body. 12-pack of course loves that. They stare into each otherís eyes and I keep waiting for the porn music to start. Nothing more happens and I am glad they do not pan down so we can see 12-packs tight pants. Heat is definitely developing a little crush.
Take Thy Butt to Church
The next morning Mama New York comes barging into the house and wakes up the boys and tells them to get ready for church. 12-pack and Heat are still drunk for their night of intimate partying with each other. As soon as they are dressed they start drinking again and I really canít blame them. If I were on this show I would need to drink and hope that my memory got erased from this horrible experience. Everyone puts on their nice suits and most of them actually look presentable except for Chance, he is wearing his nicest jeans, t-shirt, large chains, scarf and ball cap. Mama New York tells him to take his scarf and hat off, he refuses. He really knows how to work it with his potential future mother in law.
On the way to the Church all the men climb into a limo together except for Mr. Boston, he is asked to ride with New York and her mama. Mama New York wants to know what his family would think if he married New York. He tells her that he does not think his family would mind. I think his family would excommunicate him but that is my opinion. This is where it starts to get really interesting. He tells Mama New York that he does not really like dark skinned women and if they had a child that was dark skinned he would see if he could like it. He is really racking up the points. I can see Mama New Yorkís blood pressure rising on the car trip.
Can I Get a Witness?
Once the group arrives at church the congregation welcomes the ragtag group in except for Chance unless he removes his hat. He refuses and sits out on the front steps. The service gets going and all the men seem to be enjoying themselves. Sister Patterson (Mama New York) goes up to the alter to speak. Heat is so moved by her ranting that he nods off or passes out. During his rest they show a funny montage of all the good times him and 12-pack had the day before. They should do a zany spin-off show of Heat and 12-pack living the Odd Couple life. It would be greatÖor not.
Mama New York really gets going about her love of the Lord and Chance can hear her from out front. He is so moved by what she is saying that he takes his hat off and goes inside to join the others. Onix thinks the whole bit was a little over the top and I would have to agree with him. The service is finally over and everyone heads back to the house for drinking, sex, and immoral thoughts.
Once they are settled back in the mansion, Rico, Tango, and Onix are hanging out by the pool. Onix mentions how he thought that Mama New York was faking her little speech at church earlier. Tango and Rico are totally appalled at this piece of information or they see a chance to eliminate their main competition. They run off to New Yorkís room to tell her the information. New York is pissed and canít believe someone is accusing her mother of faking it. No one has ever accused her mother of that, even her father.
ďIím too good for you!Ē
Itís finally elimination time and I canít wait to see who is in and who is out. Actually I really donít care but I am ready for this thing to wrap. Chance, 12-pack, Real, Whiteboy, Tango and Rico are all in. Itís down to Mr. Boston, Onix, and Heat, one will be in and two will be sent home with a stop at the clinic for a tetanus booster. New York yells at Onix for calling her mother a fake at church and tells him to get out. He gladly walks out and the last thread of class tied to this show is gone. Heat is also asked to leave because he puts his family before her and she does not like that. That means Mr. Boston is in and I guess that New York has a soft spot for special needs men. He goes up to get his chain and New York and him make out. Everyone, including myself is completely disturbed. That was just completely icky, I really donít know how else to describe it.
Make sure in 2 weeks to watch an all-new episode as the boys play basketball against a professional player that New York brings in. Also, for those with a strong stomach, watch as 12-pack and Real give New York a sensual massage.