Welcome back to another episode of I Love New York! Last week we faced a hard elimination and Romance was sent home, (along with some other guys), and I’m here to say that it’s just going to get tougher and tougher each week to say goodbye to these guys we’ve grown to love.
Tonight, Bonez starts of by telling us that he loves his body… and the Lord! 12 Pack also likes his own body, and Mr. Boston weighs in and says that although 12 Pack is jacked out of his mind, Bonez weighs approximately 97 pounds, so 12 Pack has the better body. Glad we cleared that up.
Right now I feel it’s really inappropriate to call him “Whiteboy.”
As hilarity ensues throughout the rest of the mansion, Whiteboy receives a call and some very bad news from his dad. One of his close friends has been killed in a car accident, and to make matters even worse… Whiteboy missed the funeral. The news hits Whiteboy really hard, and he feels terrible and guilty because he could not say goodbye to his friend.
I’m pleased when the other men rally together to offer Whiteboy support and listen to him as he cries, and it’s kind of a touching moment. Especially for a show like I Love New York. I just wish that they’d bothered to tell us the guys’ real names, because I feel silly recapping that something so sad happened to someone named “Whiteboy.”
In one afternoon, New York sets women back 100 years.
Well, mourning can only go on or so long, and after all the boys are in the mansion for a very important reason- to win the heart of New York. Today’s task? Get out your Power Point manuals guys, because tonight you have to make a presentation of your finances past, preset and future. Actually, I’m kidding about Power Point, but the guys are given portfolios and poster board so they can make some nice, illustrative graphs.
The guys dive in, some of them enthusiastically, and some of them less than enthusiastically. In a voice over, one of them men mentions that he’s never had to do a presentation like this before, and then refers to himself as a “street pharmacist.”
While the other guys work diligently, Whiteboy is sitting alone by himself until he is joined by New York. She’s heard about his bad news, and tells him that he doesn’t have to participate in the task, and then she offers him her bosom. Let me say that again- she offers him her bosom. I wouldn’t have known that was what she was doing if she hadn’t told us. Say what you will about New York, but the woman’s nurturing instincts are second to none!
Meanwhile, back at the workspace, Pootie is having some… difficulties with his portfolio. So, when 12 Pack steps away for a moment and leaves the graph he’s been working on all morning, Pootie steals it and claims it as his own. 12 Pack is kind of shocked when he comes back to find it gone, and is even more shocked when Pootie won’t give it back. Pootie invokes the rule of 1st graders everywhere and writes his name on the graph to signify that it’s his. 12 Pack wisely decides to let it go and not talk to Pootie any more.
When will Omarosa just go away for good?
It’s showtime and most of the men dress up like they’re making an Apprentice audition video. And speaking of the Apprentice, New York has brought in the biggest reality TV famewhore ever; Omarosa! Omarosa is there to irritate me… er, help New York judge the men, and boy the men do not seem excited that Omarosa is there. In fact, they all seem really nervous about it.
Tango is up first and he tells the ladies he will make his fortune in real estate, flipping houses. Oh, and he has $300k in the bank. Omarosa isn’t impressed with the real estate idea, but New York and her mom seem happy with the bank account information.
Real is up next, and… I don’t think I can type I’m laughing so hard at his plan. Real plans to breed, sell and buy Arabian horses. Arabian horses! Personally, I think he should invest in gold bars, or a pyramid scheme. Omarosa reminds Real that New York hates horses, and Real is dismissed.
Next we see Bonez who drops all of his flip charts on the floor, then Chance who calls himself a “stallionaire,” (what is it with those brothers and horses?), Rico is banking on becoming a model and 12 Pack presents a hilarious drawing. Onix impresses the women over when he announces he has a Masters Degree and works for a Fortune 500 company, but wins them, (and me) over when he takes off his jacket. Mr. Boston outlines the annual salary for a CPA, and plans to make 6 figures by 2007, Heat alienates New York by telling her that in his family, he would eat first, then his mom, then his yaya. Finally, T Weed tells the women that he has a net worth of 100 million dollars. Really T Weed? Why didn’t you just say 100 bajillion dollars, because that’s just as believable. Mama New York isn’t too sure about this, so she makes T Weed sign a release so that she can do a background check.
Suicide is not the answer… even when the question comes from New York.
Oh, Pootie. Pootie, Pootie, Pootie.
Pootie walks into the presentation with nothing. He opens his portfolio to show that the pages are blank, and uses 12 Pack’s graph to explain that he has no money. He tells the women that he has $3000 to his name, and had to spend $210 to travel to be on the show. He doesn’t know how long that $3000 is going to last though, because he’s running from the repo man.
The other guys can hear every word from the hallway and are laughing really hard at Pootie’s expense. When Pootie announces that he wants his hopes and dreams to get him to his goal of earning $250k, he’s finally done and storms out of the room and down the hall. Tango and Bonez follow him, when they catch up, he begins to cry and have a complete emotional breakdown. He begs the guys to leave him alone, but they’re kind of worried, because he’s acting like a crazy man, and they won’t leave. Finally, Pootie kind of falls down the stairs, passes out and the guys have to call 911. Whew! What an eventful 3 minutes!
Maybe you could buy a personality with 100 million dollars.
New York was pleased with the presentations, and with Omarosa’s help, has picked the man with the highest earning potential and the man with the lowest earning potential, (gee, I wonder who that could be?). The highest has won a dinner date with New York, and the lowest has also won a dinner date… with Mama New York. Oooh, fun! T Wed is awarded the date with New York for his incredible lie about his net worth, and Pootie is stuck with Mama NY for telling the truth about his finances.
Mama New York takes her date to Mel’s Diner and tells him he can order anything he wants. Pootie orders some coleslaw, but can’t eat it because he is shaking so badly. Mama New York treats Pootie kindly, and he tells her that he’s scared for his life and doesn’t feel safe in the house. At this point, Mama wisely cuts dinner short because Pootie is crazy, and he’s freaking her out.
New York’s dinner with T Weed is kind of a yawn. He tells her all about his branding company and drops a lot of buzzwords to impress her. It’s not working because New York calls him “boring as hell.” Like her mom, New York also cuts her date short, but allows T Weed to kiss her chastely. I doubt that Mama New York allowed Pootie to kiss her. At least I hope she didn’t.
Yeah, I think you need some help too.
When Mama New York and Pootie get back to the mansion, Mama decides it’s time for Pootie to go. He’s scaring her, he needs medical attention and she doesn’t want New York talking to Pootie at all. Tango agrees, and pulls New York aside to tell her what happened earlier during the presentations. New York thinks that Pootie has “f****n’ lost it” and sends Tango off to give Pootie the news that it’s time for him to go.
Pootie is cuddled up under a furry rug, and doesn’t argue with Tango when he tells him to man up and get some help. He packs all is stuff and exits, but on his way out, 12 Pack tells him not to so anything stupid and Bonez lets him know he will pray for him.
Are lap dances supposed to be this creepy?
The guys are gathered in the kitchen when Chamo waltzes in and gives them a letter from New York. Because of all the drama, New York is throwing the guys a poolside BBQ so that everyone can kick back and relax. The guys don their best swimwear, and head out to the pool for some fun.
Here’s where it gets creepy: Mr. Boston has been practicing a special lap dance for New York, and decides now is the time to perform. It’s just so awkward and freaky that I really have to avert my eyes, especially when he takes off his shirt. The dance thankfully ends, and Mr. Boston and New York make their way inside for some private time, and Mr. Boston tells her it’s time for their first kiss. For some reason, New York says this is okay, and Mr. Boston moves in to give her the most passionless kiss I have ever seen. There is absolutely no chemistry there whatsoever, but New York is kind and says that the kiss was surprisingly nice. Mr. Boston also enjoys it, and says he can’t wait to show her his skills in the bedroom. Ewwww.
12 Pack needs 12 steps.
Back out at the pool, 12 Pack is drinking, a lot. So much in fact, that he makes the decision to drink a bee. And then asks guys to punch him in the stomach as hard as they can. Bonez tells us that he’s feelin’ good about New York, but he doesn’t drink, have sex or do drugs. I think he’s in the wrong place. New York probably agrees as she’s getting a sensual massage from Tango, and then bouncing up and down on Chance’s lap in the hot tub.
This is why you should never agree to the background check!
It’s that time again, and New York and her mom discuss the pros, cons and assets of all the men. When New York tells Mama how boring her date with T Weed was, Mama gives her the background/ credit check she completed. I’m guessing it’s not good news. At least not good news to the tune of 100 million dollars.
Eliminations are so tough on New York! But, since Pootie flipped out and lost his freakin’ mind, she’s happy to tell the guys that she only has to send two of them packing instead of three. Out come the necklaces, and they go to… Tango, Real, Rico, Onix, 12 Pack, (who is so drunk he can barely walk up to the front of the room), Chance, Whiteboy and Mr. Boston. When New York tells Mama that Mr., Boston gave her a lap dance, Mama threatens to kill him, which is overreacting a little, I think.
Next, in an uncomfortable bit of footage, New York reveals the results of T Weed’s background check, and it’s not pretty. T Weed tells her that it’s not his credit report, but she doesn’t believe him. She tells the men she doesn’t have a problem with poverty, but she does have a problem with dishonesty, and calls Heat up for the final necklace. So, goodbye to T Weed and Bonez and we’ll see you at the reunion!
Tune in next week to see the guys raise some wood… by building houses. What did you think I was talking about?