Welcome all…Tonight we are in for a shiny new show on dating. This is much different than the Bachelor, we don’t get to see skanky women vying for the attention of a Bachelor not ready to commit. We get the pleasure of watching professional women be forced into uncomfortable scenarios by love coaches in order to meet Mr. Right. So get out your black book and get ready to take down some love notes.
It’s time to meet the ladies. These are four ladies from the San Francisco area looking for the man of their dreams.
Anne- The girl next door is currently unemployed. Wait, I though this show was about professional women. She has been a bridesmaid 7 times and does not know how to send out signals to guys letting them know she is interested. I thought I was bad, I have been a bridesmaid three times and I am actually wearing one of my dresses right now to get into the spirit of the show. I see nothing wrong with that!
Kris- She is the party girl who is a corporate litigator by day and a fun loving party girl by night. She goes on too many dates with the wrong kind of guy and needs to get serious about dating. I also am a fun-loving party girl (at least my mom thinks so) and I see nothing wrong with also having a champagne toast while I wear my dress and watch this show.
Michelle- The career girl who is a no-nonsense trial lawyer. She knows what, when and how she likes it. She has been so certain about what she likes she has not opened her heart to the unexpected. I know that I like guys that are tall and funny and will not judge me while I sit on my couch and wear an old bridesmaid dress while drinking champagne.
Alissa- She is a dreamer who is a spiritual in-touch massage therapist. She is completely in touch with the universe. She is open to everything except guys out of her comfort zone. I am also comfortable with my dress and the champagne and sitting alone watching this show but I would be really uncomfortable if someone randomly dropped by and saw how pathetic this whole situation was.
All the ladies have in common that they hope to meet the right guy this year. I think so far everyone can tell that I also have a little bit in common with all these ladies except I would never go on a reality TV show and will instead sit at home on my couch and judge them while drinking champagne and wearing an old bridesmaid dress.
Since the ladies are having such a hard time meeting men on their own ABC has provided them with some Love Coaches.
J.D. Roberto- He is a happily married relationship expert and a guy. I am glad they pointed out he was a guy because I had no clue before they told me.
Teresa Strasser- She is a relationship columnist who has found love. I am little confused by this coach because I could swear that a couple of years ago she used to host a home improvement show on TLC. If that gives her street cred than I guess I will be expecting Paige Davis and Ty Pennington to show up next episode.
Put me in coach, I’m ready to play
We next learn this show is going to be split into chapters, and the first chapter is to Get into the Game. I hope they don’t mean an athletic game because not everyone is good at sports. The love coaches discuss each woman and what they need to do to be a successful dater. They feel they are ready for the challenge they have in front of them.
The four ladies are waiting to meet their coaches at Monster Park out on the field. I have no idea what Monster Park is or what type of athletics is played there so I really hope they are not expecting them to participate in something. The girls meet the coaches and the coaches tell them they are going to be their players, as apposed to playas. I guess this has been all one big sports metaphor. I am a little slow tonight, the champagne toasting and all.
The coaches ask the ladies what is wrong with the dating scene in San Francisco. One of the woman thinks it’s the men, another thinks men are only concentrating on their careers, and someone else thinks that there are too many single women. I think if the women are anything like me they are shy and socially awkward around guys. I hold that thought to myself though!
Thank you Sir may I have another
The coaches reassure the women that there are enough single men in the city to fill the stadium twice. J.D. then holds up the phone book and tells them their Mr. Right is listed in the phone book. I have to disagree with that, some people only have a cell phone and what if their Mr. Right is a drifter and has no home or phone? He then has them raise their hands and take the pledge. “I, state your name.” I immediately flash back to the movie Animal House when the pledges are joining and they all do a similar pledge. After having a nice chuckle to myself I realize I missed the rest of the pledge and I am not really sad about that. The women all come in for a cheer of true love and I am instantly embarrassed for them.
Drop it like it’s Hot!
Anne gets to meet with the judges first because they feel she has the most to work on in the dating arena. They are going to go over lesson #164, Drop the Hanky. It’s a classic twist on getting him to notice for all you who were unfamiliar with lesson 164. I wonder what lesson 1-163 are, do they cover the basics like, shower, brush teeth, don’t drool, etc?
The judges discuss Anne’s situation in a very staged walk through the city. They think she needs to put out the welcome mat and start to get in guys personal space. They want to show her ladylike ways to flirt and get the guy to notice.
The coaches ask Anne to tell them about her love life. She tells them she is picky and a little nervous around guys and often goes for the wrong guy. Anne and I have an instant connection because I too get very nervous around guys, to the point of almost complete shut down. The coaches want to get her out on lots of dates to help make her more comfortable.
In order for Anne to meet men she needs to follow their 3 simple rules for meeting guys. The first rule is to make eye contact for at least 4 seconds. They count off the seconds and that is an awfully long amount of time. The second rule is to smile with teeth. The last rule is to get into their personal space. This rule makes me really uncomfortable, I would just freak out. I really can’t explain why.
Practice makes me Embarrassed
The coaches want Anne to get some practice so they take her to the local bookstore in hopes that she can meet someone there. This is funny, because I always think that the bookstore would be a wonderful place to meet people until I see what they make her do next. They tell her to head to the magazine rack and select some men’s magazines and read them like she is interested. I don’t agree with this theory at all because why should I pretend to be interested in something I’m not? I guess that is why I am still single.
They see an available man that is nearby and the coaches want her to make conversation with him. She says hi and he replies and then walks off. She runs to the coaches laughing and they send her back in. She makes some conversation with another guy that goes nowhere. I am literally hiding under the couch pillows so I don’t have to witness this. This is the most uncomfortable thing I have seen in a while and I really feel bad for this girl.
The coaches decide to take her to an athletic store to see if she will fare batter. She sees more men and has some awkward conversations with them and once again I am cringing with embarrassment for her. The coaches are happy with her work for the day and tell her it was a warm-up to learn the technique. Frankly, I have no idea what their technique is, but randomly talking to strangers is a little uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Did I see you working at the Health Spa?
The next task for all the ladies is to increase the number of men that they date. In order for them to do this they need to follow rule #21, Dating is a Numbers Game. The coaches have set them all up on speed dates. The clips they show demonstrate that the coaches have picked out all the type of men that generally hit on me. One of the men asks the massage therapist if she ever gives happy endings at the end of her massage. Another guy jumps right into discussion about group sex with his lady and he seems shocked when she is uncomfortable. Another guy has crazy big spiky hair and I am just terrified that someone is going to lose an eye. None of the dates go well and it is time to move on.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
The coaches now want all the ladies to go out on some real dates. Alissa is up first and she goes out with a guy named Alessndro who she met in her yoga class. I think she should marry Alessandro for the pure fact he has a fun name to say. They make conversation about his ability to play the didgeridoo. Alissa likes him but does not think they clicked. Personally I think he was cute and seemed interesting. In my yoga class we only have one male and I always try and stay as far away from him as possible because he has the creepiest feet. I have a fear of creepy feet and I don’t want his anywhere near my mat!
Kris is next and she goes out with Mike who she is not that interested in. Mike starts talking about sour apple suckers and why they don’t make sour grape or watermelon suckers. Mike, I guess the answer is because those are made up fruits. I am not surprised Mike is single.
Michelle goes out with a guy named Darren who her friends hooked her up with. Darren is a little quiet and Michelle does most of the talking. She thinks Darren is nice but she needs someone who can take her on. I hate to admit this but I am a little similar to Michelle, I can be very overwhelming and I need a guy who will stand up to me and not let me walk all over them. It is not the best trait in the world but I have a pretty outgoing personality and I can easily dominate a conversation unless someone challenges me.
The coaches now want to set up an event that will allow all the women to meet as many men as possible. We jump into our first Love Coach Event, a Signal Party. This is an event were all your family and friends attend and bring with them single friends. It turns into a huge event with everyone bringing their single friends and family. Now this sounds easier said than done. I always tell my friends to bring along their single friends when we hang out and a couple of weekends ago this completely backfired on me. I was camping over Memorial weekend and one friend brought this guy with him. He was nice enough and he appreciated my quick wit, to the point of continually telling me. It then got worse when he got a little overzealous about me when he started to beg me to marry him and that I had to have his children. That was a bit much. So the lesson is, be careful what you wish for!
Back to the party all the people involved in a relationship will wear a red button and everyone that is single will wear a green button. All the women should be talking with green button people and not the red buttoned ones. The coaches think that Anne really needs to drop the hanky tonight and I think they need to stop using that phrase. They want Kris to start getting serious about dating and Michelle is so strong and confident tonight she needs to show a little vulnerability. Alissa only dates guys in her circle and it’s time for her to stretch to a new group.
The party gets started and the ladies start to mingle. I have heard that Walmart stores do something similar, you can tie a ribbon on your cart to alert others that you are single so they will talk to you. So it’s kind of like this party but hillbilly style.
Keeping it Real
Alissa keeps talking with men and accusing them of not being real with her. She is really obsessed with the men keeping it real. That has got to be a turn-off to the men and I am proven right when she does not meet anyone at the party. Anne meets a guy who claims to be an ass model. We know he is lying because all real models would use the term tush model. Kris also meets a guy whose name is Chris, they connect over their names immediately.
The girls sit down with Teresa midway through the party to discuss what is happening. Teresa thinks that Kris drinks too much and needs to slow down a little. She then gives Anne some tips on how to start sending out the right signals like holding a sign that says “I am available, please call me.”
Anne goes back to the party and meets a man named Dennis and they hit it off right away. He asks her out and she accepts. Kris exchanges numbers with Chris. Alissa has a problem with the guys getting real and goes home with nothing. Michelle had a hard time finding anyone who met her standards and also goes home alone. Michelle should really consider my motto: I have no standards!
Rule #1, When the show drags, add lots of filler!
At this point the show is starting to drag a little and I am ready for it to wrap up but first we need to learn about rule #27, Dating is a Process. You need to step back and take a breath and process it. My mind is too tired right now to even comment on that.
Enough rules already!
Anne has a date with Dennis and goes to the coaches for help on having a successful first date. They give her the first date manifesto. Rule number 1, don’t over drink. They go to the date and show Anne and Dennis ordering wine. So far so good. Rule number 2, don’t over share. Back to date and Anne is talking about how she is allergic to calamari and how she swells up when she eats it. I love calamari and that is a shame for her. Rule number 3, don’t talk about your ex. Back to the date and they are having a good conversation until they hit an uncomfortable silence, which they comment on and laugh about.
Dating is hard enough as it is and having a camera in your face while on a first date would just freak me out. I give them both props for doing so well. J.D. wants to talk about kissing on the first date. Anne says that she does kiss on the first date so J.D. shows her how to give the signals so she gets that first kiss. At the end of the date Anne works it out and she and Dennis kiss and agree to go on another date.
At the end of the show each girl gives their thoughts again on what they have learned. I learned a little while watching the show. I should change my interest to suit guys. I also learned I am being judged by everyone reading this because you all think I am wearing a bridesmaid dress and drunk on champagne. Lastly, hosting a home decorating show makes you an expert-dating specialist.
Blinded by Love
Make sure to tune in next Monday at 10pm to see if any of the girls find Mr. Right. Also the girls get put in another uncomfortable situation when they literally go on blind dates. I can barely wait. In the meantime I will be out combing the streets for drifters trying to increase my dating numbers.
If you are not surprised after reading this recap that I am not married or in a relationship email me at Yardgnome77@fansofrealitytv.co m.