The show opens with all kinds of pointing and jeering and screams of “I-told-you!”. The girls are screaming, clapping, oh-my-gawd-ing – the house is in a state of total pandemonium. What could cause such an uproar, you ask? Did Jaime finally lose it and stab Gianni and Loretta in a jealous rage? Did Nikol announce that she was pregnant with Jim’s love-child? Did Eze actually say something? Out loud??? No, no – it wasn’t any thing that outlandish. What has the classmates all in a tizzy is the arrival of two new beds in the house. As is customary on the reality estate, the headboards of these beds are adorned with the high school portraits of their would-be occupants. It occurs to me that maybe they should use this system on other reality shows, like the Surreal Life, for example. Then maybe that whole Briggitte Nielson/Flava Flav hookup might have been avoided. *shudders* Anyhoo, these headboards do not display the images of Brig and Flav, but rather of two former Cardinal Gibbons classmates who will be joining the other lovely inhabitants of the reunion estate. The two lucky lads are Kristian and Matt, who Nikki informs us were like, definitely not part of the popular group, but rather, members of the Extreme Total Nerds. Woohoo! ETN for-eva!!! *raises hand in salute* Ahem.
Now you have to understand – these aren’t just any nerds. Oh, noooo. These are the popular group’s favorite nerds to mock and ridicule. Why, just a few days ago, Meathead and Co. stumbled upon Kristian’s picture in the yearbook and had a blast making fun of him. The had sooo much fun that they even turned his name into a chant that would yell as a group to celebrate their non-nerdiness. Meathead explains that not only was Kristian a nerd, but he was also FAT. Twice the ridicule, half the price. Bonus. I’m glad to see that everyone has made such strides into adulthood.
Move over, Romy and Michelle
Kristian and Matt arrive in Hawaii and are picked up at the airport. Kristian says that he used to be a band nerd (Band Nerds, unite!) and the popular crew made him the laughingstock of the school. Matt says he was always very quiet in high school and felt invisible. They are coming to the reunion to play a prank on the others and pretend to be millionaires. The first stop for the would-be richies is to get a swanky red Corvette to help back up their story. It is a pretty sharp-looking car, and they are riding in style. Matt explains that the others used to put them down because they were not wealthy like the majority of their private school classmates.
Even as adults, Kristian and Matt are still feeling the effects of being outcasts in high school. Sigh. It turns out that the “nerds” felt they couldn’t go to the reunion as themselves because Matt lives with his mother and Kristian is unemployed, so they concocted Operation I’m-Not-a-Loser to really show those popular kids a thing or two. This scenario is starting to make me feel ill, and I am half-expecting that one of these guys will claim to have invented Post-Its. But no, these are no ordinary stationary tycoons. Matt and Kristian’s story will be that they started an IT company, got bought out, and are now up to their armpits in cold hard cashola. They don their cool millionaire sunglasses and do some role-playing to get their story straight before heading over to the estate.
Show some emotion, you freaks
At the house, Nikol explains to Jim and Brien M. how Jen behaved around Nikki, as if she purposely tried to make her feel bad by trying to make her think that Bill liked her more. In the kitchen, Bill (the newcomer from Douglas High – we’ll just refer to him as Rival Bill from now on) is having a drink with Jen. We hear her thoughts as she explains she likes the challenge of trying to make a guy like her. This girl is too young to have had Botox, isn’t she? She literally has no expressions, her face is always frozen in slightly-bitchy mode. I can see how she just reels the guys in with her charming wit. Not.
Nikol and Jim have a conversation about their relationship, or lack of a relationship, as the case may be. Nikol feels that since the day Keegan came to the house, Jim has pulled back. She just wants him to come out with his feelings, whatever they may be. Jim continues to wallow in wishy-washiness and gives vague answers about variables and responsibilities. She encourages him to be sincere, and open himself up to possibilities. I have to say, he is not giving her a lot to work with. He certainly isn’t acting like a guy who would do anything to be with her again.
Whatever you say, buddy
Brien M. receives a hall pass and he goes out to the yard to find Torie snoozing in the hammock. He slides in next to her and she readily accepts his invitation to go on the hall pass. Delusional Loudmouth John witnesses these goings-on from afar and takes the opportunity to trash-talk Torie to Rival Bill. He goes on about how Torie was ALL OVER him just a few night ago, and now she is dating Brien M. In case you missed the part where she was ALL OVER him, we see a flashback where John and Torie are both in the pool and at the same time, talking. About 3 feet away from each other. I guess John got pretty hot and bothered when Torie said that he was nicer than she thought he would be. What a tease. John tells Bill he wants to make a fool of Torie in front of everyone, because he has ill feelings towards her. Bill tells John to give them a fair chance.
Brien M. and Torie leave for their hall pass and have a very romantic dinner together. They grin and blush at each other all through dinner, and both agree that they feel a strong “connection” to one another. As their date progresses, Brien gives Torie a massage and they end up kissing in the bathtub, drinking champagne and thanking each other for a wonderful time. Aww, its pretty freakin’ sweet, I have to say.
Rival Bill also receives a hall pass. Having not been in the house for very long, he goes out to the living room to consult with Gianni, Loretta, Tara, and Carin. He tells them that he is torn between Nikki and Jen, and they encourage him to ask Nikki. Nikki conveniently appears at that very moment, and Bill awkwardly asks her to step aside for a talk. She gladly accepts his invitation on the hall pass. Predator Jen is annoyed that Bill invited Nikki instead of her. You can tell she is annoyed because I think her cheek moved one-sixteenth of an inch.
On their date, Bill asks Nikki to explain the drama that was going on with Jen. Nikki explains what happened, and Bill assures her that he did not make a move on Jen like she had claimed. They seem to have a good time on their date, but there does not seem to be a romantic spark between the two.
While Bill is on the hall pass with Nikki, Jen lounges on the couch with Jim. Nikol is visibly upset to see this and brushes past Jen and Jim on her way to the bedroom, giving them the cold shoulder. I’m not sure, but I think Jen may be smirking as she reminds us that she will go after any guy she wants, especially if there is more than one girl who likes him.
Bring out your nerds…
It’s nerd-time! Everyone stands outside in great anticipation of the arrival of Kristian and Matt. When they see the guys pulling up in their snazzy red Corvette, they erupt in cheers and applause. Loudmouth John and Meathead Brian are both very impressed with the car and have changed their attitudes towards the nerds because of it. John refers to the guys as his new “boys”, and Jaime is acting like a woman who smells money. Superficial, much?
After a while, Meathead Brian starts to question Matt and Kristian about what they do for business. Translation: How did two fat losers like you guys get the sweet ride and all the cash, dudes? Lucky for Matt and Kristian, Meathead doesn’t know anything about computers or the internet, because their story sounds pretty vague and shaky to me. I’d have a few more questions, but then again, I wouldn’t touch a show like this with a ten-foot pole, so the point is moot. Nevertheless, Meathead Brian is impressed; he says Kristian has changed and is now the “total package”. Meanwhile, Matt works his millionaire charm on the ladies, relishing the fact that his nerdy self is currently surrounded by former cheerleaders. Oh yeah, he has hit the big time.
Money can’t buy you love, but you might get to see some skin
The next morning, everybody gathers in the living room for a surprise from Matt and Kristian. They bring in a couple of masseuses and announce that all of the women will be receiving massages. Everyone is impressed by this, particularly Jaime. The ability to treat a few women to massages has the undeniable of smell of success in her world, apparently. The masseuses set up tables on the lawn, and the men hang out on the upper balcony, ogling the scantily clad women from above.
Matt receives the third hall pass of the episode, and he unabashedly asks Jaime to accompany him. She accepts, remarking to the camera that it is not that nerdy to have all that money. Oh, I don’t know, Jaime. You can have a lot of money and still be pre-tty nerdy. *cough*billgates*cough*
Wallflowers in bloom
The tension between Jim and Nikol that has surfaced since the football game has not gone unnoticed by Eze, the resident shy guy. He is the lucky recipient of yet another hall pass this episode, and emerges from the shadows to make his move. He knows that this is his opportunity to ask Nikol to accompany him. He has had strong feelings for her for ten years, but has held back since the start of the reunion in order to give her a chance to reconcile with Jim. This is good timing for Eze, since Jim’s recent lack of enthusiasm hasn’t done much to prove to Nikol that he is very interested in being with her. However, Jim is upset and looks very uncomfortable knowing that she’ll be on a date with someone else. He worries that he may have missed his chance with Nikol. Tough luck, dude. You snooze, you lose.
Eze and Nikol go on their hall pass and we find them sitting in a beautiful setting on the beach. They have wine and cheese as they talk about their experiences, and Eze confesses his feelings for Nikol. She complains that Jim isn’t being very responsive to her attempts to get back together, to which Eze replies “he’s just not that into you”. Ha! Well, it was a slight variation, but struck me as funny nonetheless. He even manages to sneak in for a quick kiss. You go, Eze! Make that hall pass work for you!
On Matt and Jaime’s hall pass, Matt takes her to a luxury suite to wine her, dine her – well, never mind. She oohs and ahs as they make their way through the suite and out to a romantic table for two set up outside. She is obviously smitten with the luxuries that come along with his supposed wealth. Trying to impress her, he makes up a story about buying a Rembrandt, but is seriously lacking on details, such as what it is called, or what it looks like. You know, the little things. He does, however, remember to tell her that it cost thirty thousand dollars. Jaime says that hanging out with a millionaire makes her feel like she is in a fairy tale. Gianni who?
When Eze and Nikol return from their hall pass, John sits at the bar and tells Eze that he thinks Torie is a whore, claiming that she was flirting with Bill, and recounting his own torrid affair with her at the pool – you know the one, where she said he was kinda nice. From three feet away. Torie’s baby sister, Tara, wanders in at just the right time to hear John talking crap about her sister. She scampers off to tell Torie and Brien, who is completely vexed that the honor of his new honey has been challenged. He sets out to find John and confronts him. When John denies all the allegations, Brien says he believes him and is ready to forget it. However, John begins to freak out, claiming that the others don’t want to be real and have fun like he is doing. By “being real” and “having fun”, I am assuming he means talking trash about someone else’s date. He heads down the drive, away from the estate, claiming that he is leaving the show. Every other word gets bleeped out as he is ranting and raving the whole time. His bravado comes to an end sooner than later, when he
gets tired of walkingremembers that he is not a quitter and heads back to the estate, claiming that the fight has just begun.
Coming up sometime in the future : More lying, more whining, and the prom. Yikes.
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