Alright, alright – settle down people. Get out your books and turn to chapter three. Last week, Mantenna was kind enough to be your substitute, and I am happy to report that he said you were all very well-behaved and attentive. I was afraid you might hurl erasers at him when he had his back turned, or other substitute-type shenanigans. I’m glad you were paying close attention, because those who do not know history are destined to repeat it. And many who do know history will repeat it anyway - as many times as they can, on this show anyway.
Let’s have a quick review of what we have learned, shall we? Fourteen former classmates from Cardinal Gibbons have reunited in Hawaii to ogle each other, rehash old problems, obsess over their exes and engage in orgy-esque makeout sessions. Some of them are psycho, some of them are desperate, some of them are adored by all, and some of them are adored by none. Ah, nothing like hanging out with people you used to pretend to be friends with ten years ago.
Who Loves Me the Most?
We have learned that Loretta is loved and worshipped by all. All except for Jaime, that is – who is seething with rage that Loretta has captured the attention of her former boyfriend, Gianni. Jaime, you don’t need to hire a hitman quite yet, because it appears that Gianni may have some competition. In addition to the fact that every guy in her near vicinity fumbles and stumbles and drools on himself, Loretta has been receiving sweet letters of love from a secret admirer, whom we recently learned is not Gianni, the current front-runner for her affections.
As the scene opens, Loretta wonders who her secret admirer is as she receives her third anonymous letter and a vase of flowers. The rest of the girls are obviously jealous and they take guesses as to whom the author could be. Some suggest Loudmouth John, some think it must be Gianni. Gianni knows it is not him and frets nervously over his competition. I guess there will have to be a duel at the break of morn or something.
The Once and Future Lovers
The leading lad and lady of this show so far seem to be Jim and Nikol, the couple that dated for most of high school until jealousy and trust issues tore them apart during their senior year. They have been on a hall pass together where they started to air their feelings and overcome their past troubles. Both of them seem to be entertaining the possibility of rekindling their relationship, but are afraid of getting hurt.
Nikol enters her bedroom and receives her second hall pass. She is excited, as she can hardly wait to have the chance for some more alone time with Jim. She nervously takes him aside and asks him to join her. He plays a high schoolish game by pretending he doesn’t know what she is getting at, but eventually relents and accepts her invitation with a kiss. Nikol goes to the cottage ahead of Jim to prepare dinner and create a great setting for their reunion. Jim says he is nervous about putting his heart back out there as he prepares for the date. Nikol drinks a glass of wine and watches the sunset as she anticipates Jim’s arrival. She says they never had sex in high school because they were too young, and that she has waited a long time to be intimate with Jim. Jim says he would not be ready to have sex with Nikol because it is a big emotional commitment. For that reason, he is scared of spending too much alone time with her. However, they soon end up cuddling under a blanket as they sit outside and talk about their breakup. After Nikol had casually gone out with a “friend” from another school, Jim was never able to fully trust her and rebuild their relationship. Nikol says she had broken up with Jim because she didn’t know what she wanted, but that she instantly knew she had made a mistake and wanted him back. Jim tells her that while he always had trouble reconnecting with her after that, there are more good memories than bad memories of their relationship. She is very pleased to hear this and they begin to make out. Eventually we see them sitting in bed and toasting to their reconnection. As things begin to get hot and heavy, Jim ushers the cameraman out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
The Land of the Clueless and Deluded
Back at the estate, the various men continue to fawn over Loretta and grope her at every available opportunity. Loretta finds herself sitting at a table with Loudmouth John. She finds it difficult to take John seriously, even though he is obviously flirting with her. He asks he if she knows the amazing chemistry and sex they could have. He tells her he is the total package, and that she underestimates him. Yikes. Uh, John? I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine. John, meet Subtlety. Subtlety, meet John. I hope you guys get to know each other a little bit better.
Upon hearing that Nikol and Jim are on their second date together, both Eze and Jen become irritated and jealous. I’m wondering if they will concoct a plan to band together and break them up, kind of like Jerry and Elaine in the “I’m there for you” episode. Otherwise, I will be petitioning to have the name of this show changed to “The Nikol and Jim Honeymoon Reunion Show”. Ugh.
Brian Meathead and some of the others entertain themselves by looking at an old yearbook and saying cruel things about their old classmates, making fun of a specific former nerd in what can only be a bit of foreshadowing. Well, you don’t get the nickname “Meathead” for being a nice guy, after all. When he runs out of nerds to make fun of, he passes the time by trying to hump all over whichever woman is closest to him at the moment. Interestingly, he describes himself as a total gentleman. Uh, yeah.
You love me! You really, really LOVE ME!
In the kitchen, Jaime begins administering another dose of harassment as she corners Gianni and gives him another tongue-lashing. And not the good kind. Somehow she seems to think that yelling and bullying him will bring him back to her. Well, I guess it did work in high school, but now that Gianni has been permitted to speak to other women in the last ten years, her style of courting does not seem to be doing it for him. She tells him he will always treat her differently and then begins to mock him flirting with Loretta – confessing to the camera that she was royally pissed that Gianni and Loretta were all over each other. Delusionally, she thinks he still has feelings for her. Honk, honk! What’s that – the clue bus? Run, Jaime, you’d better see if you can catch it. Please don’t let it keep passing you by, week after week. I’m starting to get a neckache from the constant cringing.
Snorkels, and ta-tas and hot tubs, oh my!
Jim and Nikol arrive back at the estate looking blissful. As they re-enter the house, Predator Jen sharpens her claws and begins to plan Operation Reunitus Interruptus.
Out by the pool, Torie and Brian sunbathe and make small talk. Torie says she has butterflies around him and is most attracted to the fact that he is so different from her. He tells the camera that he was initially attracted to her on a physical level, but he is now starting to realize she is also attractive on the inside. Of course, I’m sure the fact that she arrived at the house with her boobies in gift wrap didn’t hurt a bit.
The classmates soon learn that they will actually be doing something interesting today. The guys are going deep-sea fishing and the girls are going snorkeling. Everyone seems excites about the field trip – uh, I mean outing.
On the girls’ boat, the ladies grill Nikol for details about her date with Jim. She confesses that last night was “special” and that she would be jealous if he went on a romantic date with someone else. The same is going on at the boys boat, but Jim keeps mum and says the details are between him and Nikol, and he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing their relationship with the guys. The guys pose for the camera with a fish that they caught, while the girls photograph themselves flashing their chests and send the photo over to the boys, who are beside themselves with glee.
PJs, Push-ups, and Pouting
When they return to the house, the girls learn they will be spending the night away from the boys, having a slumber party of sorts. Each girl brings something with them from high school that caused them grief, and ceremoniously burns it in the fire. Carin throws her old “fat” jeans on the flame. Jaime burns a photo of her and Gianni, and says he will live to regret walking away from this reunion without paying attention to her-or something like that. But we all know she has 9000 more photos of them at home. Nikki has brought an invitation to a party where she cried the whole night because of her boyfriend. She throws it on the fire, announcing that she doesn’t care about that anymore. Nikol whips out a “94” jersey. To her, it represents the pain of her senior year without Jim, and she burns it as a symbol of putting the past behind them and moving into the future.
A box suddenly arrives for Loretta. It contains a nice dress, shoes, earrings, and an invitation to finally meet her secret admirer. Everyone is excited and the girls help her get ready. She is really nervous about learning the identity of the mystery man and a car takes her to the location on the beach where walks out on the sand and waits for him to arrive.
The guys decide they are restless at the house without the girls, and the girls can’t possibly be having any fun without them. Au contraire, mon frere. The girls are busy getting drunk and pouring booze all over each other. All I can say, is what a waste of perfectly decent alcohol. But then again, the reality television keg never seems to run dry on these shows. The guys decide to crash the slumber party and raid the girls’ closets (I am assuming, or alternately, they are supplied with women’s clothing) so that they can make a dramatic entrance in drag.
The alcohol-soaked babes have moved on to the Jacuzzi, and are talking about who at the house they want to make out with. Jaime states that Gianni is ruining all off this experience for her and she cannot have any fun with her friends. She has conveniently forgotten that he has been trying to avoid her and that she has been harassing him every chance she gets. Suddenly, Brien M. runs out and starts snapping pictures. The rest of the guys make their entrance, all dressed up in bikinis, hats and scarves, and the girls squeal with delight/horror – its hard to tell which. Gianni quickly assesses the situation and sees that Loretta is missing. He looks uncomfortable and becomes extremely jealous when he realizes that she is on a date with the mystery man.
It’s not you, it’s me
Loretta’s admirer shows up and… surprise! It is someone new! For some reason, I was sure it was going to be Loudmouth John, but he is back at the house wearing women’s underwear. Curse you, editing! The mystery man is former classmate Brian Taylor. He was friends with Loretta in high school and says that he was infatuated with her from the moment he met her. In high school he wrote her an anonymous love letter, and he has come to the reunion to come out in the open with his feelings for her. She actually looks happy to see him and runs over to hug him. They sit down, hold hands, and he confesses that he had penned the anonymous love letter ten years ago, and that he still is on love with her now. He has come all of this way to find out if she returns his feelings.
She replies that he loves him too, but like a little brother. He says he is happy to have finally told her, but crushed that she doesn’t love him in return. Loretta says how touched she is that he came all this way for her, and that she is saddened to not be able to return his feelings. She gives him a small kiss goodbye.Brian sadly limps away down the beach, clutching his broken heart in agony. What? Is this the last we will see of the cute and poetic Brian? Won’t he even be returning to the house for a rousing game of Spin the Bottle? I guess that three Brian/Brien(s) would be too much for this group to be able to handle intellectually. I mean, really.
Loretta returns to the house and is surprised to see that the boys have joined the party. Not to be outdone, she quickly changes into her bikini and hops in the jacuzzi, where everyone wants to know all about her date and who the mystery man turned out to be. Gianni comes out of his Loretta-deprived depression to soak up the details and Predator Jen tries to cozy up to Jim. Jim says that while he had a big crush on Jen in high school, he will stay away from her now, since he and Nikol have reconnected. But the shark has begun to circle Jim, and I fear an attack is imminent…
Next week: More stuff happens.
Anonymous love letters accepted at email@example.com