Why hello there! *looks around* May I join your circle here? My name’s Manny, and I’ll be acting as your substitute this week . . . er, recapper, that is. So, High School Reunion, huh? I have to admit that I’ve never watched this show before. Watching a group of adults refusing to leave their bygone glory days behind never really appealed to me, oddly enough. You know, The Amazing Race is on, and I got enough of high school in . . . high school. But heck, let’s just indulge ourselves. Let’s immerse ourselves in the drama, the heartache, the
underagedrinking, the teenagelust, the cliques, and the inherent lack of vocabulary. Doesn’t it sound fun?
The Legend of The Title Screen
The show begins with a preview of the upcoming excitement. Apparently, said high school of this reunion was an “ultra-ritzy,” private, Catholic school. A keen eye can tell this easily, as no one’s name is spelled normally. Come on . . . “Nikol?” “Carin?” “Brien?” The reunion-ers all have swell titles attached to their upscale names, such as “The Predator” and “The Meathead.” I can only hope that some nuns will be making an appearance on the show to smack some knuckles if these kids get too saucy. We also learn that at some point on this show there will be a prom. That’s right, ADULT PROM. Complete with sex in a bathroom stall. Classy.
The Legend of Gianni and Jaime
Once upon a time, there lived an inordinately tall man named Gianni, The Basketball Star. Gianni seems like a good guy, but he appears to have made the mistake of keeping bad company. . . . Which brings us to Jaime, The Obsessed Ex. Yep, this one has “psychotic” written all over her face, especially after I took a sharpie to my TV screen. Gianni recounts harrowing tales of being flipped out-upon by Jaime, who punched out other girls for even looking at her man. But the violence and panic doesn’t stop there . . . no. Jaime also took her tough love to Gianni, hitting him over the head with a Snapple bottle—no doubt for holding the door open for another girl or something equally adulterous.
Anyway, Jaime’s back to win Gianni over again, and she’s willing to eliminate anything that stands in her way. Like Tom Petty, she won’t back down. Gianni, however, is not feeling up for such a thing, and when Jaime comes down for breakfast, sweetly saying, “Hi, Gianni!” he quickly runs away when she begins arguing with everyone else in the room.
The Legend of Nikol and Jim
Once upon a time, there lived a lady named Nikol. Nikol is/was “The Good Girl,” and I know this because her title tells me so. Nikol, however, for all her goodness, has two problems. For one, she suffers from an overtly snooty name, and she also yearns to rekindle her love with Jim, The Jock. The name issue can’t really be helped now, but Jim . . . why . . . he just so happens to be here!
Enter Jim, a quiet, introspective man with beady eyes and bad hair. Jim, it seems, was heartbroken when he and Nikol (his first love) parted ways back in high school. Since then, he’s put up some walls, and it essentially sounds as though he’s seeking the Eastern mantra of Detachment. So why is he here? *eyes TV suspiciously*
It’s a well-documented and historically proven fact that girls in high school travel to the bathroom in groups, so they can talk about you. I guess this trait continues throughout life, as we meet Nikol and Nikki, The Head Cheerleader, chatting in the bathroom about Jim. Nikol thinks that there’s a chance of her and Jim getting together again. Apparently they went out on a hallpass date last night, and she felt great about the whole thing . . . there was dining and kissing and those bloody expensive homecoming photos on the wall. So, does he like her, or like like her? That is the question.
The Legend of Jen
Once upon a time, there lived a fair lass named Jen. Unfortunately, like most fair high school maidens, Jen made a hobby of dating everyone in school in week-long increments. When she got bored, she moved on. Hence her lovely title, “The Predator.” Jen says she’s here to check out the guys and perhaps give someone a chance that they never had back in locker-land.
However, or, should I say, ho-ever, Jen’s reputation precedes her. Carin, the “Fat Girl” (don’t shoot me, that’s what it says!) claims that “it’s more important to Jen that guys like her than the girls like her.”
So, who is Jen’s first target? Why, it’s Jim, the Jock! OOH! I hope they play “Bizarre Love Triangle” at the adult prom! *snicker* Jim and Jen sit and chat outside, talking real estate. Jim describes Jen as a “mystery girl and certainly a distraction” from Nikol.
The Legend of the Hallpass
Twice upon a time, all the reunion-ers were splashing around and frolicking in the swimming pool at . . . wherever the heck they are. Hawaii? Rap music plays, and it’s sort of like a wannabe music video. Gianni has received a hallpass, which allows him to *giggle* ask someone out and get away from the house! Jaime, right on cue, tells us in confessional that she’d be furious if Gianni got a hallpass and invited anyone but herself. After all, there’s history between them! And probably a criminal record!
Gianni, not being an utter fool, has other ideas already and eyes Loretta to take out on his hallpass date. Loretta, “The Dream Girl,” is currently getting out of the pool, dripping wet with bad porn music playing in the background to accentuate the skin-selling. Which begs the question . . . is there good porn music? Discuss.
Gianni motions Loretta to come over, hands her a large tropical flower, and pops the question.
“Loretta . . . will you . . . goouttonightonthehallpassdatew ithme?”
“I’d love to!” Loretta replies with a coy smile. Gianni nearly melts on the spot.
Jaime is furious to see this turn of events and is ranting madly before you can blink. “Why didn’t Gianni ask me!? What does she have that I don’t!?” Then she launches into some convoluted, ridiculous explanation that Gianni didn’t ask her out because he’s insecure about confronting his past and afraid of losing her again in his id or something like that. Um, no. He didn’t ask you out because he doesn’t like you. You frighten him. And you frighten me.
Later, while getting ready for the big date, Loretta finds an anonymous love note on her bed. She kisses it, assuming that it’s from Gianni. No! Don’t kiss it! It’s probably from Jaime and coated in cyanide!
The Legend of Eze
Once upon a time, there lived a quiet, quiet man named Eze. However, Eze has broken his vow of silence and reveals in confessional that he rather fancies Nikol and would like to pursue her. Heh . . . forget Bizarre Love Triangle; this is quickly becoming a Bizarre Love Tetrahedron. Eze is another guy who seems pretty low-key and . . . normal. He sounds slightly crestfallen when he brings up Jim and Nikol’s hallpass date from the previous episode.
Meanwhile, the gal of his heart’s desire is sitting outside and eyeing Jim. She senses that this would be the perfect time to spend some quality time with Jim, lie on top of him, and inexplicably touch herself. Jim continues to whine that he has strong feelings for Nikol, but he’s just not sure if he wants to make himself so vulnerable and bring down the wall around his heart. Nikol whines that he should confront his feelings and stop beating about the bush.
Wait a minute . . . this is supposed to be the legend of Eze! What are these two doing in here? Get out! Out!
The Legend of the Hallpass, Part II: Electric Boogaloo
Gianni is happy. Oh yes, he’s grinning from ear to ear . . . going out on a date with Loretta is like a dream come true. In high school, he says, he was much too shy to ever ask her out—plus, that possibility of being ice-picked by Jaime had to be a deterring factor—but now he’s made up his mind to be assertive and make all his dreams come true. Be! Aggressive! Be, be aggressive!
The pair sip wine on a bench overlooking the scenic shoreline, and Loretta asks Gianni if he just-so-happened to send her a letter tonight. He keeps smiling for a moment and says, “Um, letter? No.” Loretta asks several more times, and the answer is still “no” from Gianni. Now, I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but. . . .
True story: While I was dating my first high school sweet-haht, she received a dozen red roses in the mail. From a “secret admirer.” She asked me if I sent them to her, and I had three options:
1. Tell her the truth, which was no. Look terribly inconsiderate, even though there were no special occasions coming up.
2. Lie. Straight up lie. “Yes, sweetie, do you like ‘em?” *wink wink* Might gain some immediate benefits, but risk being knifed in an alley by your girlfriend’s stalker, like in the movies.
3. Avoid the question by leaping out the third-story window.
In other words, I sympathize with Gianni. We both picked option #1, which sure puts a damper on the conversation.
The Legend of Carin
Once upon a time, there lived a lady by the name of Carin. She fit in perfectly at school with the bizarro name spelling, but she was a bit overweight and has earned the unflattering title of “The Fat Girl.” These days, she’s shed the pounds, but is still weighted down with emotional baggage.
Carin claims that her “friends” in high school weren’t really friends . . . they talked about her behind her back and didn’t provide any emotional support when she was depressed. Well . . . no better time to unleash the anger than now! On camera! Nikki is the recipient of the verbal lashing, but she won’t have any part of it. She claims that the people who talked bad about Carin aren’t here, so Carin is directing all of her angst towards Nikki, instead. Nikki holds firm, and Carin eventually gives up and goes to pour her heart out to the guys instead. They look . . . a bit freaked out.
The Legend of the Hallpass, Part III: It Came From the Polka-Dot Swamp!!!
Leaping over the love note subject with relative ease, Gianni and Loretta have moved on to a fancy-schmancy cabana, which Gianni notes “is where the Hawaiian kings slept.” Ah, there you go. We’re in Hawaii! The duo reclines in a kingly pile of pillows and continues to chat the night away. “Why didn’t you ever ask me out in high school?” Loretta inquires. Gianni replies that he was too nervous. Probably firstly because he was shy, and secondly because of that python he found in his sock drawer after he looked in Loretta’s direction.
They continue to talk, and . . . lo and behold! Gianni has always liked Loretta! Loretta has always liked Gianni! Mutual likeyness! On that note, the pair heads off to bed together in the cabana, and the curtain doth closeth. Note to readers: This is not what is indicative of what happens on a normal first date. I hope.
The Legend of Nikki
Once upon a time, there lived a woman named Nikki who reigned as Head Cheerleader in the kingdom of high school. But when an evil boyfriend cheated on her and broke her heart, the queen of the cheerleaders became a bitter and angry person. Gasp! But now, she has returned, and wants to prove to everyone that she’s a fun person. Maybe she’ll even end up with a non-icky yucky bad boy.
But for now, she’s just here to talk with Nikol in the bathroom, so we move on. . . .
The Legend of the Morning After
The sun rises over the reunion home, and everyone’s up and about. But . . . where are Gianni and Loretta!? Why, they are just now waking up, and both express how ecstatic they are after having such a great, romantic date. Oh, I bet you are happy, you crazy kids. Jaime, on the other hand, is humiliated and furious that Gianni would DARE spend the night with Loretta, and she can’t understand it. “I know he feels the same way I do,” she explains, “He just can’t reveal it in front of all these people because he’s insecure.” Well, Jaime, if Gianni’s such an utter failure, why are you still stalking him so intently? Just sayin’.
The Legend of the Fall
Once upon a time, the reunion-ers were getting wild and crazy in the living room. Imagine that. Nikol decides the craziness is too much for her, and when Eze invites her to have dinner upstairs, she gratefully accepts. Eze is thrilled to finally get some quality time alone with Nikol, and the pairs chats over a nice, romantic dinner, toasting to something with their plastic cups of water. Even Nikol is beginning to forget The Whiner and decides that it would be fun to get to know Eze, when John comes upstairs. He’s pretending to be a waiter; I suppose because he thinks it’s funny. But Eze isn’t laughing when John puts down his waiter tray and reveals it to be . . . one of those uber-rip-off homecoming photos . . . of Nikol and Jim! Instantly, Nikol’s mind is taken to a faraway place, dreaming of her bewildered beau. Eze admits his disappointment when all the intimacy leaves the table (literally) and Jim entered the picture (literally). Poor Eze! Jim, meanwhile, says he doesn’t feel good about Nikol being alone with someone else. But he couldn’t just go for her. No. Because he’s too afraid of getting his heart broken and the wall and *incoherent mumbling that puts Manny to sleep.*
The Legend of the Twin Terrors
Once upon a time, Brian, “The Meathead,” didn’t say much of anything on the show. Those were happy times. Then, new arrivals came to the reunion-er resort. Strangers, clad in fur, bows, and stilettos and brandishing champagne. They came with a vengeance. It’s the invasion of the girls gone wild!
Since everyone was so inhibited already, it’s time for the arrival of the two wild sisters, Torie and Tara, to liven up the party. The sisters waste no time popping open the champagne and slipping into bathing suits, and everyone heads out to the pool for some . . . uh . . . group fondling? It’s all far too disturbing for me, so we’re going to move right along.
After the orgy-lite in the pool, everyone heads down to the beach to build a bonfire and play Truth or Dare! That’s right . . . adult Truth or Dare. Now, since this is good ol’ Truth or Dare, it quickly turns into the “you kiss/make out with him/her” game. Maybe some people find this hot, but I simply cannot. In maturity, these people are about seven years old. Too young. In actual age, they’re probably nearly 30. Too old. There’s just no way around it. However, the girl-on-girl-on-girl action has all the guys excited. Will they bust out the spinning bottle next week?
The Legend of John, or Bigmouth Strikes Again
Once upon a time, there lived a self-proclaimed redneck/hick named John, who claimed the title of “The Loud Mouth” and came to the reunion “to put everyone in their place.” With grammar like that, who needs enemies? John strikes with his frank examination of everyone’s faults at the bonfire (once he’s calmed himself post-kissing game with a few puffs of the ol’ cigarette). He rants on about something-or-other and also reveals to everyone that “Jim and Nikol have feelings for each other, but they’re afraid to reveal it!” I think his point is that he plans to call everyone out. Well, cool. Point taken. Next.
The Legend of Uncertainty
Back at the reunion house, we revisit the big, bad war of lurve between Jen, Jim, Nikol, and Eze. Jen says she’s confident that she’ll win Jim over before Nikol. And if not, hey. She’s never had any problems stealing people’s boyfriends, either. Hmm . . . I wonder if, post high-school, she’s graduated to being a husband stealer? Just a thought.
Jim still looks as dumbfounded as ever, and he doesn’t know what’s going on. Surprise! This seemingly permanent stupor doesn’t prevent him from hopping into Nikol’s bed, however. Hmm. Eze has no comment, since he’s the quiet one and all, but I bet he’s thinking not-so-happy thoughts right now.
Torie has jumped headfirst into the house’s cool little dating scene, as well, and has her eye on Brien. Brien, who is called “The Rebel” but is playing the part of the “Invisible Man,” says he’d prefer to be attracted to someone from the inside, not just their personal appearance. No wonder he gets so little screen time!
Gianni and Loretta, in the meantime, have their own set of problems. They’re clearly smitten with one another, but Gianni lives in Italy and Loretta lives in Florida. Can they make it work? Loretta doesn’t think so. Are these star-crossed lovers doomed by distance?
The Legend of the Previews
Coming up on High School Reunion. . . . Will Nikol get her one chance
to do a hip-hop danceto find intimacy with Jim? Will Gianni and Loretta last? Will Jaime simply ice one of them? Who is Loretta’s secret admirer? And all of your favorite high school necessities: Football! Nerds! Rival Schools! Prom! And much, much more! OTiS, how do you do live through this!?
Play truth or dare with me at firstname.lastname@example.org