Oh my little peeplets, I don’t think I’ve yelled “holy crap” or “Noooo!” at my screen this much since I was all freaked about Johnny Fairplay whacking his granny or when I saw my new car on sale the day after I bought it last January. I had to call the bastard SOB who screwed me (and not in the good way) to tell him he’d give me the sale price *pounds hand into fist* or I’d grab his tiny nads (because they just had to be tiny) and teach him what fer. Am I that violent? No. Would I grab someone’s nads? Not like that. Not a stranger’s. Not today. Not again. Not without being paid.
Anyhow, welcome to the final, final episode of this season’s HSR. Yes, this one is really the last one. I think. I hope. Anyhow...we made it. And more importantly…I made it. Because it’s all about the Shazz, you know. This was the mothah of all episodes. Tense. Hilarious. Scary. I wasn’t even planning on recapping this sucker, because it was in danger of sounding like a 14-year-old girl’s cell phone conversation: “He said that she said that they said that Bobby’s…like…all mean…and she was like, “no way” and we were all like, “totally” and she cried and threw her taco at him.” But anyhow. Here it is, later than usual, as I spent countless moments staring blankly at my mocha colored walls wondering how to turn this into a flowing bundle of goodness. *sigh* The good news: whilst staring at my walls I discovered a stealth spider family whose asses went down in flames with a can of bathroom air freshener! (Ha ha!! Take that…bastards!!). In other news: this is going to be more “straight man” than “funny man” in the comedy show. But I did it. All for you peeps. Well…kind of for me. I need to have that “finished” feeling. I’m a closer. And not just of bars. Although, true that too. Heh heh. Yay tequila! Again, I’m letting my weirdness fly with little to no editing or self-containment. Deal. Annnnd I’m rambling. Okay.
First off, the host pops out: Ananda Lewis from MTV (and curse the producers, as now I want to type Amanda for the rest of this recap.) Then all the peeps hit the stage in a two-by-two square dance arrival of awkwardness where forced hugs occur and TJ looks uncomfy just because Dan offers up a normal everyday hug that Teej interprets as, "let's rub each other up with oils." Whatever.
The playahs tonight: the entire cast of the show, a studio audience full of angry people, and the Round Rock High School gym via satellite, filled with cheering crowds. Some of whom will backstab and bitch slap the cast later. It’s a good thing the cast is in thick, TV make-up or we might see hand prints.
First up, it’s time to grill Heather F. , cajun-chicken-style, as we’re about to get all spicy with our first set of uncomfy questions meant to build to a crescendo of ugly when we lay the smackdown on Lou Lou and Johnny. But back to Heather. She reruns over the fact that she came to the reunion for an “I’m sorry, I was a dickwad-despite-being-a-girl” from Denise about the ugly treatment D-woman inflicted on her back in the day. We flash to unseen footage of Heather dishing to Dan that she and the Rock went to church together and had a burrito-tight bond. That is until he hooked up simultaneously with three other chicks, making her wonder if all future men were goin’ threesome on her. Apparently he was a non-fruit smoothie made of man-meat, and lied and charmed his ass off.
As Heather speaks, Gabe laughs. Ahh..silly him, he was just a madcap kidlet and looks more relaxed than I expected. He admits to being very good at attending church and insists that he told Heather he was man-ho back in the day. Heather says the Rock is a game playah who used people rather than little shoes and thimbles as game pieces. She thought she’d come back and think him a beast, but instead got caught up in his love vibe all over again. What was the biggest shocker for Heather? That the Rock would have wed her if she’d been storing one of his love children in her oven. Denise looks uncomfy and Gabe says yo, it’s what you do when you’re conservative.
Question from RRHS: Another Heather from the high school wants to know wtf, sophomore girls, what’s so great about Gabe? The answer? His naturally fresh floral scent. Or actually I guess because he was charming and was apparently called “Sauve” in school. I prefer the Rock. Whatever.
The Grains, Veggies and Fruit of the Show’s Food Pyramid
First up after the commercial break is more unseen footage (Good God I’m getting so desperate I’m using “commercial breaks” as segueways. Forgive me). This stuff takes place after Denise came back from her first Rockalicious hallpass. Apparently Laura, Louann, and Heather C. all corner Denise and tell her the sophomore girls were all ready to pop a cap in her ass the second Denise arrived back on the estate. Denise acts totally fine with it all and says she’ll be the big girl and apologize for whatever, because if the girls can’t get over it ten years later, they’re sad news. Heather C. hugs her and tells her she’s classy and that the other girls are trashy.
Flash right back on stage where the audience ooos and ahhs about the trashy comment and Denise grabs her little tan face (girlfriend looks pretty good btw) and says, “it wasn’t me!! It wasn’t me!” True fact. It was Heather C., and so far the footage of her on this show all season hasn’t been flattering. The girl seems to trash-talk very, very easily, cozily, like a little tea-cozy of pain. Anyhow, Ananda wants to know what Denise was holding back, being that she seemed to so nice. Denise just wishes that people weren’t scum chunks at the reunion and that they had more compassion for her pain, which was recent, versus their pain, which was rooted in the past. Heather bobbles her head understandingly while Denise chats.
Audience question: to Denise, what up with making the victim come to you for an apology? Why so stubborn? Denise says yo, man, if I’d known that Heather was in torture, I would have been on that apology like a dog on a steak from day one. Ananda gives her kudos for being the first to say hello.
RRHS question: Some chick named Crystal who claims to have been present when Heather received the infamous pregnancy call. Why did Denise make the call? Why not the Rock? Hmm? Hmm? Answer! Denise just says she didn’t need Heather calling and piling on the stress while she was pregnant, so she nipped it in the bud herself.
Ananda leaps right into the fake pregnancy rumor. Denise says the miscarriage was the most painful thing she ever experienced, and wished that the stupid peeps came to her rather than airing their suspicions on national TV. It was a hammer of hurt for Denise, and the cast looks uncomfy while Ananda commends her for being open. The audience claps their support.
Audience question: Did Denise really do all the mean crap in high school? Amanda says oh yeahh, peeps, she pulled the hair, she used the names, she doled out the threats, and asserted her rage in Hulk-like fervor…and hey, Denise admitted it…so there! Denise nods and Ananda says we’ve ALL had those moments. Huh? Yo, I didn’t pull anyone’s hair. Apparently Ananda and Denise were very “Lord of the Flies” back in the day.
Another audience question: Did the Rock feel squishy for Heather on their hallpass? The Rock: Umm..no. It was all nostalgia peeps. He looks completely comfortable and I’m stunned with his politician-style way of handling of questions, which I didn’t illustrate well by using “peeps”, but I did warn that this was no transcript. Anyhow, he’s surprisingly articulate and elusive…you could even say…..suave. Ha! Yeah I used it. Sue me.
Now that time has passed, do Heather and Denise still want to go ninja on each other? Apparently not, as Denise says Heather’s blossomed into a wonderful woman more magical than Sabrina the teenage witch, and she’s apparently so dang wonderful that Denise wants to know if she can squeeze Heather like Charmin. Both get up and hug it up while the audience awws and I go, “Oh God,” for the first time of the night. Sooo uncomfy..am I. Maybe it’s because in my own life, if you’ve just spent a lot of time telling me I sucked donkey hiney, I’m not all apt to want to rub up on you. But anyhow, Heather compliments Denise’s momhood.
After the uncomfy (yet hell, probably good-for-them) display, Ananda wants to know whassup with the Genise coupling. Gabe looks uncomfy and says it’s all a work in progress and tough. We flash to footage of the Genise duo post-reunion. Cue tons of shots of Gabe playing basketball with his kids and one totally staged scene where Gabe puts a blurred real estate sign up in Denise’s yard while she stands behind the two kids, because you just know the camera crew happened by at that EXACT moment. Apparently they’re shacking up again and Denise thinks they’re getting along better than expected, while Gabe says he’s looking forward to hoppin’ over their past relationship speedbumps. We end flashing to footage of a cheesy and staged sunset scene where Gabe kisses Denise in such a way that we’re waiting to hear, “Annnndd…..CUT!” at the end. Neither look comfy, but Denise claps and smiles from the reunion couch.
The Shish-kebobbing Begins
Ahh…here we go peeps. Are you ready? Ready for a little skewering? We’re starting in on the segment of the show that I’ll call, “Lou Lou and Johnny created war, famine, and pestilence.” And the part of the show where my “ohmygod’s” start coming rapidly.
First off, we find out that Lou-lou nominated the high school for the show. We see audition footage of Lou saying there’s no way she’d ever jeopardize her relationship with Brad in order to hook-up with fresh candy, because she’s oh so magically lucky to have him.
Annnd we cut back to the producer-expected audience booing and hissing over the Lou forshadowing. We can all tell this is the part of the show where we bitch-slap Louann for about 20 minutes.
After the footage airs, Ananda coyly leads us into the first segment of guided Lou-hate, when she tells us that Lou’s relationship with Brad changed dramatically about two weeks prior to the reunion. She asks as if not already knowing…so what changed Lou? What happened two weeks prior to the show? Hmm? Hmm? Apparently....Lou and Brad.....got engaged!!! *gasp* Booo...hiss!! <----says the audience. Soon it gets even more ugly when Ananda asks Lou why she didn’t divulge this to the show peeps prior to the filming. Apparently it’s because both Lou and Brad thought it would hurt her chances of being cast, and they both wanted it. The audience oos and ahhs again and I’m starting to get a Springer vibe. I’m starting to scan the audience for the 500 pound shirtless guy who likes to be forcefed cocktail weenies while makin’ love…..to his aunt. He isn’t there. Yet.
Ananda summarizes Lou’s feelings by saying there’s no way she’d have known she’d meet Johnny and have all this happen. Did John bon know she was engaged? Um…no. Not until they’d already stoked the flames of their hot buttered love, spun each other like plates, and descended from the ceiling, Mission Impossible-style, on wires.
Question from RRHS: How did it feel for John and Lou to lay eyes on each other after so long? *Ehhh*<----buzzer sound. I’m sorry, but this is a suck-ass waste of time question. This is the kind of already-know-the-answer type question that only American Idol seems to be clever enough to stage. You fill in your own answer.
More pointless filler: Right here is a bunch of charlar about how Laura gave Lou advice to “go for it”. Want the longer version? She told Lou to go for it. Yep.
RRHS: Was there a turning point for the Lou, when she knew that Johnny was the dude, and Brad was day old bread? No. Lou insists that she wasn’t choosing between Johnny and Brad, but between chunky and smooth peanut butter….or actually between Brad and no Brad. The old friends made her rethink her life, and apparently that life didn’t include Brad. Regardless of John-John, she wouldn’t be Braddin’ it up right now.
Tar and Feather the Beyatch…..or the Devil went down to Austin
Time to ratchet the tension up to 10, because up next are some of the most uncomfy questions, that had I been Johnny or Lou Lou, I’d have voluntarily eaten bad chicken salad just to be home gakking it up versus on the stage, attacked by angry villagers with torches.
First up is some really uncomfy footage of the actual post-break-up move out scene at Brad’s pad. It’s verrry interesting how the producers are “magically” there at that exact moment. *in church lady voice* “Hmmm…how conveeenient.” Lou and Denise walk into the Brad pad while Lou narrates over footage of herself packing. Brad looks forlorn and stews in a chair. Apparently she decided to get crackin’ the second her plane hit the turf....so she told Brad he was toast right from the git go. She says she didn’t tell Brad about Johnny because it was like salt in his wound, hair in his butter, a rash on his man-meat. She didn’t want to ouch him up more than necessary. She says her life is her business, not Brad’s, and we see them start to quibble over belongings that we don’t ever actually get to see. She gestures in the pool room and says “that thing with the beer cans is mine”. I’m totally curious as to what this ‘thing” is, because I’m getting one of those “home craft” vibes, like an Eiffel tower out of Budweiser cans. Interesting. I didn’t picture her as the beer-can-Eiffel-tower type.
Then the dig comes. The big dig. As Louann gestures again at something we can’t see (why are they never showing us the quibbled about items? Why?) she asks for the mirror in exchange for the coffee table. Brad replies, “how about we call it even for the grand I lost on the ring.” Ooooo. Ouchie ouch. He’s sitting at the kitchen counter smiling smugly at Denise while Lou says, “wtf?” He says he’s a thousand dollars in the hole for selling her wedding ring. I’m sitting there going ohmygod and Lou leaves the kitchen saying, “fine,” and then corrects him, “it was an engagement ring by the way.” Yow. Oh no she di-in’t. Oh yes she di-id. We finish the scene with Denise and Lou hauling out some big-ass piece of wood while Lou says they’ve overstayed their welcome. Brad sits around, slump-shouldered, and staring vacantly into the distance. As she walks out the door a final time, she leaves him with, “all right I’m out of here.” Why the heck are they filming this? It’s like bringing a camera crew to your pap smear. No bueno. Yeah I know the guys are cringing, but there’s a reason women-folk don’t like them and it illustrates my point: this is uncomfortable.
We flash back to the now where it’s time to pull Brad up on stage. He walks out, the crowd goes nuts, and Johnny looks ready to die. It’s ugly tense and Ananda dives right into a question that’s supposed to make us love Brad and subsequently draw devil horns on Louann’s pictures. So, uh, Brad, how did you propose? Brad looks like he’s had this line prepared since the producers forced him to deliver it, “I flew her to Paris and proposed on one knee in front of the Eiffel tower.” The audience freaks out while Lou looks incredibly poised yet ready to die in her little pink chanel blazer. Everyone looks ugly uncomfortable and I’m clutching my little couch pillow.
Apparently everything changed for Brad when Lou came back from her trip. When he picked her up from the airport, she said she was completely different, which he didn't dig, because he didnt' want her to change a bit. Like now she’s an Oompa Loopma and he’s not into rolly polly blue peeps. He angrily says something about how she must have had some kind of weird crisis, and you just know he wanted to add, “or some sh*t like that” because that’s his tone, and if he were hangin’ out with his beer buddies drinking Leinenkugels you KNOW it would have been said like that. Brad said it would have been better had he known that she’d met someone else. He didn’t find out about Lou’s Johnny action until right before the show. Lou prepped him apparently.
Next up Ananda wants to know what’s up with Lou’s flip floppiness about telling Brad about Johnny. Lou said her choice to leave Brad had nothing to do with Johnny and that when she moved to Austin it didn’t happen quickly. She said when she came back from the trip she told Brad that she cheated, but it wasn’t about that for her. In another uncomfy moment Ananda turns to Brad and says, “well at least she told you she cheated” and Brad looks at Lou and says, disbelievingly, “you told me you cheated?” and Louann nods while Brad says he has no memory of it. The audience boos and ahhs at the news and more drawing of horns on Lou’s picture occurs.
RRHS: Chick wants to know why Lou came down so hard on Heather when she herself was ruining her own relationship. Ohhhhh…Ananda freaks out and the audience screams. Brad grits his teeth as if to say, “oh man I soooo would NOT have said that…but it’s what I think.” Lou’s uncomfy and says hell no she didn’t take punches at Heather every chance she got, she just didn’t dig Heather falsely accusing Denise of a false oven bun.
Audience question: What did Brad do with the ring? Brad says he sold it, and the audience cheers uproariously as if to say, “take that, beyatch”. Lou and Johnny smile while being sh*t on.
RRHS: Dude who claims to be a friend of Johnny’s, but then asks Brad how crappy it must have felt to watch John suck Lou’s face. How did that twisty knife feel to Brad? Pretty twisty, according to the Bradster. Johnny looks none too pleased with his “friend” and Ananda makes Brad tell us how he watched the show. Two choices: either sit in the dark and blubber or drown your sorrows in alcohol with your friends. He apparently went the friend route with a Mexican theme: fajitas, beer, and cha-chaing all over Lou. He states that if two weeks in Hawaii was all it took to mess them up, then thank God it happened now versus five years later The audience cheers again to stick it to Lou.
Now onto uncomfortable moment #4,235: Ananda wants to know if Johnny has anything to say to Brad. Does he? Johnny’s quite the gentleman and says he sympathizes with Brad because he knows what it’s like to love on Lou and apologizes for any pain he may have caused. Despite Brad lookin’ totally chillin’, Ananda insists he and John bon shake hands. They approach each other and grasp hands timidly, like they’re the gansta knife guys in the “street fight” in the “Beat It’ Michael Jackson video. In the end, Johnny looks tearful and moved while Brad seems satisfied.
The last question: Are Johnny and Lou Lou still together? And here we get a puzzling array of fuzzy answers that tell us nothing. They both say it’s not black and white, and that they see each other, but that Lou’s still finding herself. Whatever. Ananda thanks Brad for facing the music, and no one thanks Johnny and Lou for smiling while the poo was thrown their way.
Ewwwww or…Farting doesn’t get you camera time…until now
Up next it’s time to chat it up with the peeps who never got face time. We immediately find out why there was no Chris footage. He’s a farter. That is to say, a fart-on-command type. Um…ICK!!! According to all witnesses and......unfortunately for us....plenty of footage.... he regularly performed mic checks by announcing his guttural disturbances. Ugh. A talent I’m sure that’s gotten him into many a plum position in corporate America. Anyhow, we get to see fart footage while the rest of the peeps all gag and get offended on our behalf. Also in the fart montage is footage of Chris describing something sticking it’s hands down his pants and stimulating his li’l banana. The reaction of the peeps on the bus listening to him is so disturbed that I can only imagine it’s got to be something weird, like a monkey or an alien. Heather C. comments, “the entire world feels sorry for you.”
Up next, more Chris footage. This time at Dan’s b-day party, where he seems to enjoy Dan’s stripper while wearing plenty of Cleopatra-style eye make-up. Dude looks pretty anyway. Then we get prom footage where he undulates out of his white tux shirt to reveal black, tasseled pasties. Everyone laughs, including me. Then he tears away his Velcro-like pants to reveal a sequenced panty which he ends up wedging up his butt in a specialized dance move for maximum cheek exposure. Then he pulls THAT off to reveal yet another thong with a smilie face, glasses, and furry eyebrows. I’m just relieved that the fur is on the thong, and we’re not suddenly getting treated to unexpected pube shots. Back at the reunion, Chris insists it’s his stunt double.
Up next we’re onto Lenny’s transformation, and Laura and Jess say they wanted to do it to make him feel better, while Jess just wishes he hadn’t gone so short. But she likes his current look and calls it “rock star” again. I have to admit, I’m notsomuch a fan, because it’s a total freakin’ bowl cut complete with lamb chops. (Note to all men: what up with lamb chops? Why? Why? More pointless facial hair…I cannot imagine..unless you’re really concerned with jowl warmth.) Anyhow, the dude’s look is totally Austin Powers, and since I think Austin Powers…..although funny….looks skeevy…..as if he needs a shower and a squeegee….I’m not jazzed by Len’s look even though I like Len himself. (Oh how I longed to braid his long lockes. *sigh*) Lenny says he didn’t’ even recognize himself in the mirror at first and thought that an actor was standing inside of it looking back at him.
RRHS: Ooo…huge question coming up. A timid woman with glasses and a short perm and kind of big eyes talks uncomfortably about being an outcast like Lenny and doesn’t know if he remembers her or not…but…*drum roll*….she wants to know if when he gets back to Texas if he’d give her a hollah and take her out for a night of freaky love. Len’s eyes pop but he says yes. Chris leaps up behind him and does a series of massive pelvic thrusts. Lenny tells us that things have changed dramatically since the reunion. Pre-Hawaii, he thought humanity bit the big banana and his phone never rang. But post-show, the dude gets called all the time and suddenly has chicks beating down his door. Everyone cheers, and Austin looks jazzed.
Ananda uses Lenny’s dating life as a segueway to ask Dan and TJ if they’re dating now. The answer? Yes. Predictably, TJ’s testes tighten up and he backs away from a hurt lookin’ Dan. But Dan ain’t too upset, as he says the reunion brought him closure, and he takes a swipe at Denise when he says that he doesn’t like peeps who say that crap that hit the fan ten years ago can’t still be fresh and painful, grade A, mood-altering crap. But anyhow, after the show, he’s finally got the closure he needs to move on up ala the Jeffersons. Has TJ changed his viewpoints on gays? Ehhh. No. TJ says he still feels the same and attempts to explain away his extreme homophobe-ness by saying he and Dan are a-okay, he just doesn’t like Dan’s lifestyle. Whatever, Teej. You wear enormous, gawdy belt buckles…he doesn't like your lifestyle.
Last up it’s down to Trevor and Amanda, my favorite little love birds. Apparently after they got back home it only took a couple of months to get serious and for Amanda to move her ass into Trevor’s love pad. Amanda says she’s a hopeless romantic and says that after seeing each other every other weekend they just knew they couldn’t live apart anymore. Sweet!! I’m jazzed at home, and Amanda beams on stage, while the audience claps it up.
Ananda preps us for Trevor’s audition footage by saying that he really has changed post-Amanda. Flash to audition footage of Trevor telling the producers that the peeps can expect him to man-ho it up while he not only tries to bag one chickie, but multiples, and potentially gets ninjad for doing so. Mandy and T-rex chortle while watching the footage.
L is for the way you looked…at me…O is for the only one…I see….
Ananda wants to know what Trevor has to say for himself after he talked smackaliciously about hooking up with chicks. T-rex says he went to the reunion with a spring break mentality, but as soon as he met little Mandy-poo, all that crap was ovah. Ananda tells Amanda (see what I mean? Dang their names are too similar!!) that despite learning of Trevor’s man-hoing promises of moments ago, that he’s about to redeem himself. Now, because I think this is all so dang sweet, I kept most of this semi-verbatimish, so enjoy.
Cue tons of footage of Mandy and Trevor’s days on the island while Trevor narrates over the footage as if he’s talking directly to Amanda. He thinks about how joyful, friendly, and full of life she is every day, and that she was the first peep to introduce herself. She’s become the greatest thing about himself. He’s always had tons of love inside just waiting to pop out, but nowhere to put it. But now that she’s in his life, he’s got a container. She’s given him something beautiful and touching by allowing him to give her that love with the only condition that she get to love him up right on back. He says she’s the woman that has stolen his heart, and he never wants it back because it’s found it’s rightful home. He knows that she loves him, but there’s one more thing he needs to know.
Back to footage in the studio and I’m thinking oh my Lord YES!! Clearly we all know whassup at this point and so does Amanda as she shakes and cries while Trevor leads her down to the stage. The audience is flipping out and we’re all on the edge of our seats.
Trevor nabs both of Mandy’s hands and looks so dang sincerely at her that I’m thinking this dude IS James Bond. Sooo freakin’ smooth. Not even nervous, he stares intensely into Amanda’s eyes and says, “Will you allow me to show you how much I love you every day for the rest of our lives?” Amanda’s crying and shaking her head in disbelief at her good fortune and says instantly, “absolutely”. They hug, the crowd goes wild, and we hear Mandy’s tiny little hyperventilated breaths.
But we’re not actually done. Nope. T-rex takes it a step further and pops on down to one knee, stares up at Amanda, and formally asks, “Will you marry me?” Amanda stares at him like a rabbit caught in a bright light, shell-shocked and not speaking for what feels like FOR.EV.ER until finally choking out, “I will,” with a beaming face. Trevor wraps his arms around her tightly and they hug, kiss, and embrace. All the other show peeps, especially Denise, are tearing up. Ananda immediately runs to them crying, “I always need to see the ring!!” Cue product placement moment. She forcibly hoists Mandy’s limp wrist into the air and thrusts it at the camera saying, “that’s from Tacori!” so we know who the sponsor is. Or so you know who the sponsor is. Note to others: I’m a diamond idiot. And I just mean I’m not schooled in the world of gems.....not that I’m an idiot made entirely of diamonds. Yet. Someday with medical advances though, fingers crossed! While her hand hangs in the air, the rest of Mandy’s body is off with Trevor, bein’ all loved up and caressed, and we see them gaze at each other while she mouths, “I love you,” and he says, “I love you baby” right back. Both of them are beamin’. The show closes with all the girls tugging at Amanda and all the guys tugging at Trevor, all dishing out hugs until Amanda and Trevor find each other again, he holds her close, smoothes out her hair, and kisses her gently. Sweet!!
Next season: Some really big skanks get skanky.
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