"Exotic Resorts and Sand in Your Shorts": 4/18 Recap
It’s game time, peeps. The game tonight? “Insert the joke!” Better than pin the tail on the donkey, because honestly….my ass gets REALLY sore after a few hours of that. The 411: all throughout this recap there will be places where the funny wants to happen, but often doesn’t occur. I may or may not alert you, but when the time comes, please feel free to insert your own witty repertoire, giggle to yourself, and be filled with the appropriate level of mirth.
Why? What makes me the candy-coated gift giving gal this week? Why am I smothering you with the unwanted opportunity of do-it-yourself comedy? Well let me be annoying and answer that question with another question: How far can you chuck a diskette across the room and make a delightful “ping” noise? Answer: ten feet, five feet, fifteen feet, two feet, ten feet………..lather, rinse, repeat. Why do I know this? Because my original recap, the one that would have brought joy to at least ten readers, was chewed up and destroyed by an evil 3.5 inch floppy diskette. It still holds it’s tasty goodness but won’t give it to me. So instead of the original, delightful, chock-full-o-goodness recap…you’ll be getting…um…this one. The one-created-in-the-middle-of-the-night-while-your-lazy-ass-was-asleep recap. I hope you appreciate it. It was written with speed, and to steal my own joke from a different recap and a different show: I might not only be talking velocity here, peeps. I’ve got so much caffeine coursing through my veins that I’m vibrating like a mo fo and I’m starting to hallucinate. Hey....is that a Care Bear in the corner? I hope he can write.
The show opens with the hubbub surrounding the fact that a handful of 24 hour hall passes are being divvied up amongst the peeps, so the goal is to find someone you’ve got the squishies for and sign up together. Stacy thinks only previously coupled-up peeps should get the opportunity for sweet, sweet, lovin’, and lists Lou Lou and John Bon, Trevor and Mandy, and Denise and the Rock as deserving of alone time. Chris tells Lenny that he has the power, “the force”, and Lenny proves it by suddenly levitating above the breakfast donuts. Actually, no levitation occurs…yet….but Lenny’s told he needs to make that force his beyatch, and harness it and use it for good.
Elsewhere, Mandy spills to Stacy and tells her that she wants to rub Trevor the right way, and hopes he asks if she’ll do the honors. Stacy says, oil up those mitts, Mandy, because a rub down…....is…...likely. Awww yeah. It’s obvious Trevor schwings for her, and Mandy hopes it’s true. She doesn’t want the spell broken back on home base, and wants to believe it’s all for real. Oh it’s real, baby, because across “campus”, Trevor’s filling a bathrub with a rose garden and lighting enough candles to light Tokyo. He's freakin' jazzed he's hooked up with Amanda.
Mandy cruises across the grounds to join Trevor in the magical hot tub that inexplicably materializes from thin air, just like Jessica Simpson’s career. I actually expect to see mist dissolving, and a little leprechaun running away, because dudes, the tub was not there yesterday. Seriously, either I’ve never laid my peepers on it before, or I’m heavily sedated during the airing of the show. Which is really an either/or type thing. Anyhow, this is just a first in a long line of lack-of-info.-sharing taking place in this episode. I’m wondering if they’re on a hall pass now, because the editors did not spill the magical beans on that detail. But anyhow, they rub each other, she licks some kind of foamy tastiness off his finger, and he asks her if she wants to hall pass-it-up with him. Oh yes she do, and girlfriend tells him none of this should end.
Denise wants the Rock. To ask her on a hallpass. NOW. Gabe is afraid.....of spiders, itchy rashes, and woodland creatures.....…but mostly of getting his tiny rock heart cha-chaed on ala the Mexican hat dance. I totally feel him. Chipmunks...are...FREAKY!! *shudders* No, I mean it's clear the dude is apprehensive. Anyhow, he doesn’t want to feel the ache of a love-crash, and was hoping to avoid it all together, but knows now that they need to discuss it.
Louann and Johnny: Stacy wants to know if Lou lou’s hoping for a pass with Johnny. Well…duh. Except she doesn’t say that. Instead she tells us how Johnny’s the most amazing catch, and she wouldn’t risk her candy at home if that wasn’t the case. Her home life revolved around beau Brad, but her feelings for Johnny go deeper. Johnny on the other hand, is getting gussied up in a fancy schmancy suit in order to ask Lou out on the hall pass. He wants to make it special, and knows she has a lot stuff going on at home with the long-term boyfriend. She sees him all suited up, and giggles, “why are you so dressed up?”
Because he wants to sell her some Amway products.
Apparently it’s NOT a pyramid scheme, and he’ll be a millionaire in the next three years. Surprisingly, she buys an array of miniature shampoos, and mechanically agrees to attend the next 473 meetings with him, pay him five dollars, and alienate friends and family with creepy attempts at recruitment in area Perkins restaurants, luring them with syrup covered sausage links and memories before going in for “the kill”.
No, actually, he tells her it’s because they’ve had an amazing time together, and the chit chats de amore they’ve had have been kick-ass. Will she accept his invite? Fo shizzle, and they kiss passionately and embrace.
While Gabe approaches Denise to ask her on the hallpass, Heather looks on and tells us that Gabe is playing the same game he ran in high school, i.e. that he’s pretending to have feelings for both of them. According to her, Gabe and Denise are the same peeps, and she and Denise deserve better. The Rock asks Denise, but with the li’l warning that they have a good time and don’t know what’ll go down. Denise accepts in glee and they embrace. He has a lot of emotions swirling through his Rock man body, and knows it’ll take a lot of chit chat and tears to get over the ugly pain from the past.
More of anything? More of everything!!
The dudes gather around what Chris refers to as “the breakfast of champions”, i.e. mini-donuts. Dang I wish we saw more Chris. *sigh* Not only is he easy on the eyes, but he makes SNL references. Score!! Anyhow, Jeralyn, Tre, and Stacy get courtesy narration roles so that we know they’re still on the show. Are they talking about themselves? Pfffft. Ha ha ha ha ha ….eh…ahh. *wipes tear*
It’s all about Louann and her decision. Nobody thinks she’ll really break up with homeboy. All this is voiced over Lou Lou and Johnny hoppin’ in an SUV.
Oooo wait…lookee here!! Heather and Denise are actually talking in the kitchen together. Apparently Heather’s disgusted. Big time. She’s starting to think Gabe is a turd. Guess what? She actually feels sorry for Denise. According to her, Rock-man’s still playin’ reindeer games, and Denise had better look out for numero uno. Denise thanks Heather for a quick mention of the above while the Rock gives Denise the chop chop with a mouthful of donut. Time to head out, g-friend!!
Heather tells us she had a revelation: the Rock does not rock. In fact, he sucks. He sucks a chew toy. And not just your average chew toy, but the big squeaky kind with a lot of little nubs all over it. Anyhow, he will never change, and so she must laugh. Ha!! A pox on all your houses!! She laughs the laugh of roman emporer and tosses her head back with the glee of a frenchman on Bastille day. She walks away feeling delicious, like she squeaked out of something alive while Denise is tied to a (sinking) Rock for the rest of her life. She chortles and tells the rest of the classmates, “poor Denise,” while they all feign support with “yeah”…”uh huh” and “you betcha” and stuff their faces with pastries.
Up next: Prom talk. Prom? Yes…prom. Apparently it’s a tradition on this show to end the series with a prom-type party. Tradition meaning it happened once before…and uh…I guess they’re doing it a second time. Tradition. So anyhow, the girls are talking about fancy attire and pretty stuff, and wondering which man-candy will ask them. It’s Lenny’s first prom ever, and he has no idea what to expect. He was afraid of chickies back in the day, but he’s all stuffed with confidence now, and is ready to have fun….lemon style! (Lemon style? Where’s that from? I have no idea either. But Lenny referred to it once, and so I’m adding it in. Go to town, lemon boy!!) His plan is to ask Heather F. *gasp*, The Rock’s ex to the prom because she’s a hottie.
Soon Gabe and Denise are off, on what I guess is another hallpass. I’d like to interject here that the way the hallpasses were explained early in the show was that there were a limited number available, and you’d have to sign up, and names would be dropped in a bucket. I don’t know about you all, but a sign-up sheet and/or bucket indicates to me that not everyone would be getting one. I was wrong. Even though Heather described it this way, and the producers chose to show us this footage, it’s apparently all crap. You wanna hallpass? You get a freakin’ hallpass. Apparently, it’s like the Survivor-style “make-up-rules-as-you-go” that Fluff correctly accuses Jeff Probst for doing.
Denise and Rock man end up at this totally freakin’ gorgeous Turtle Bay resort. It overlooks the ocean, and Denise thinks it’s perfecto for rekindling the love vibe. She’s soooo....freakin’....RIGHT! *sigh* That room would make you want to get bizzay with anyone. Anyone? Yes. Three circus clowns and a couple of carnies? Eh!! <-----*buzzer sound* Been there, done that. And yes. Jack Osbourne? Well…the room ain’t that pretty. Clowns: yes. Osbournes: no. Anyhow, Gabe thinks this place is the perfect honeymoon setting. It is. And again, thanks to the magic of WB editing, they suddenly end up hopping on horses that magically appear from nowhere. They never discussed going horseback riding. How common is it nowadays to just randomly hop a stallion without mention? It’d be kind of like offering someone a ride home from work, not really saying anything, and then casually leading them to the parking lot where your mare is tied to a ramp girder. Anyhow, Gabe says they didn’t work out the first time for a reason, and he doesn’t want his hopes up.
Again, back at the resort, Chris is rubbing his manboobs in a circular fashion, which he appears to like to do regularly. Remember the stripper party? Yep. Circular rubbing. Veerrrryyy nice. Oh not that we don’t appreciate it, Chris. I love a good boob rub.
Did I say that out loud? Oh.
Anyhow, he appears to be applying lotion, and apparently the best way to get that even, protective, smooth-skinned, man-sheen is by concentrated clockwise movements. Oh. There’s Jeralyn, she’s helping rub it in too. Her two roles: narrator and lotion rubber.
Apparently the lotion session is in effect because the leftover classmates are hopping on some kind of party bus. Why are they doing this? I don’t know. Well later we find out it’s a group hallpass, but again, due to editing, we don’t know that here. For all we know they’re getting picked up and delivered to a maximum security prison. But anyhow, they get to go somewhere.
Next up it’s Amanda and Trevor’s hallpass. They end up at an amazingly fantastic private estate where Amanda feels amazed and overwhelmed with chemistry for Trevor. She’s scared and nervous, but hopeful for their future. I'm hoping that Trevor doesnt' ruin this. I.e. her little comments of worry had damn well better not be forshadowing or I will have to kick Trevor's skinny man-booty! Anyhow, so they're on the beach while he does all the right things: he carresses her cheeks gently, he looks deeply into her eyes and begins kissing her tenderly yada yada. Exactly how a layday needs to be rubbed. Man-folk, take notes. Trevor’s got it....down. Lots of steamy kissing ensues, and the sky fills with yellow moons, green clovers, and blue diamonds.
Okay, now we’re back on the group hallpass and we finally see the lettering at the bottom of the screen that tells us so. TJ says he’s jazzed about going surfing, which I guess means they’re going surfing. What a cheap-ass time. Oh it’s fine and all, but the rest of the “hallpasses” all involve some kind of fancy good time, where as the “leftover” people get a public beach and surfboard rentals. Maybe they get an outhouse with a sandy toilet seat too, I don’t know. Anyhow, they surf, they do well, all are merry.
We end this segment of the show with Johnny and Louann on their hall pass. They’re on an impressive cliff-walk towards a lighthouse, where they stop and pop the cork on a bottle of bubbly. Louann’s jazzed and wants to toast the John bon. She ain’t gonna struggle against her love-vibe anymore, and she appreciates his patience and faith. The lighthouse is a perfect symbol of John John’s love nudge in the right direction. They smooch, and Johnny’s concerned she’ll return to her old beau, but he’s still excited. They finish the bottle together while Louann tells us hometown candy man Brad will be shocked, but she needs to start livin’ for the Lou. They kiss and hug and enjoy the view.
All aboard the love train
Gabe and Denise are getting wasted on the beach. While they suck down more liquor (because really, I have yet to see a show without watching everyone there holding a chicken-bucket sized container of alcohol), Denise tells us she wants to live happily ever after and thinks they’re destined to be together. She thanks the Rockster for inviting her, and her little heart is touched.
Okay, disclaimer: either it's the storm that's outside my window (quite a doozy tonight) or the waves are just drowning it out, but I can't make out what the hell they're saying next. Sorry peeps. I even irritated my neighbor by turning the volume up wayyy loud (which resulted in a scoldish “whack, whack” on my wall) and still couldn’t make it. For all I know, they’re swapping uses for cue-tips, but Denise says something about half Gabe's life and 15 years, so I'm guessing it refers to how long they’ve known each other.
Denise says they still have feelings for each other, so let’s get it on, baby doll. The Rock says he’s psychic, but he screws us over and doesn’t give us lotto numbers, instead he yada yadas about how he knows what Denise is thinking. She wants to go home and start fresh, like brand new bakery bread, but he wants to avoid a case of day-old pastry where things could fizzle again. Denise says, refocus, dude, imagine it working or you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering “what if”. The Rock thinks of the past and isn’t as optimistic.
The group hallpassers arrive back at the estate and Lenny is all hopped up to ask Heather to the prom before anyone else nabs her. She’s a hottie, and he wants to seal in her freshness. I’m totally impressed with Lenny’s blossoming confidence, and without thinking much about it, he hops in Heather’s room, hands her more liquor, and asks her to the prom. She agrees delightedly, and I’m happy for them. Yay Lenny for asking someone out, and yay Heather for going with someone who is guaranteed to take her mind off Gabe/Denise etc. They make a pact to have a kick-ass time.
John and Lou Lou’s hallpass commences at the W hotel in Diamondhead, another awesome spot. Definitely no chiggers or lake itch there, that’s fo shizzle. They end up eating dinner together on yet another coffee table (do they not have dinette sets in Hawaii??) and they talk about the roller coaster they’ve been through. Johnny asks her where she’s at on the ride, and she says she’s ready to get off. Then she lays it on the line without using any of the following words: Look Johnny dude, I’m nuts for you, so consider myself free love game. I’m the meat.....come and grill me. She has no intention of misleading him, and plans on fixing things up at home, and then moving to Austin with Johnny. Johnny’s jumpin’ for joy.
If I….wanna be a freak-and do it on the week-end
The above segment heading is brought to you by Adina Howard, a dance-crazy music lady of the early 90’s. Don’t know the song, “Freak Like me”? Listen to it and try and NOT shake your ass. You will not succeed, my peeps. You will not….succeed. Or I just easily shake my ass at things. It’s a problem. I’m not sure my co-workers like it. Anyhow.
Anyhow, Trevor and Amanda are kissing passionately. Peeplets, this couple wins, hands down, the award for “most romantic couple…EVER!!” Their lips tease each other, they look into each other’s eyes, their lips meet softly, then pull apart, and meet softly, over and over again. *fan, fan, fan* Um okay.
Let’s pause and enjoy.
So Amanda tells T-Rex (why T-rex? Because Bond-boy needs a studly nickname for the time being. And if there’s one thing that there’s not enough of on reality TV: it’s wrestling nicknames.) Okay, anyhow, back to the love fest. Amanda tells T-rex she’s scared this will all *poof* disappear in a puff of smoke at the end of the reunion, but she wants him to drag his honey buns to her lair in Austin. He wants her to come stay with him in Houston. So there. Anyhow, Mandy-poo doesn’t want this to end, and Trevor repeats, “I don’t want this to end either. I don’t want this to end either.” *sigh* The dude has game. I’m pretty damn happy for them. She says since it’s their last night alone, they need to make the most of it. They head into the suite, close the drapes………….and don Spiderman costumes for a night of freaky-love. Actually we don’t know what happens in there, but he could be ready to descend to the bed on wires, Mission Impossible-style, while she wears a rubber Tick costume. We never see it, so I’m just makin’ this stuff up. Obviously. No footage or anything. Yet.
Back in John and Lou-love land, the chit chat continues. Actually I’m impressed with this couple for talking things out. It’s completely cool. God am I starting to like this show? Maybe. Am I starting to like the people? Anyhow, John wants it all sealed up before they leave, and he wasn’t in the know about the fact that Lou Lou would drop her old man like a hot potato all to be with him. My guess is that the old potato must have not been a fit for Lou Lou, because she’s all excited and asks Johnny if he’s excited too, and if he’s scared she’ll do nada, first answer: yes, second answer: no. She’s thrilled he said no to part deux, and they lock hot lips again. They’re both optimistic, and John bon actual think this could lead to the thrilling ding dong of nuptials. They retire to the bedroom together, where Johnny and Lou Lou don Spiderman costum…..oh…..I already used that.
Meanwhile, the Rock is laying it on the line with Denise. He’s scared of the vibes he re-feels for Denise, especially because he doesn’t want to surrender to them if it all ends up heading down the tubes. He came to the reunion just to get his freak-on and party it up, but he can’t deny the slightly warm embers for Denise. He ain’t lettin’ his guard down, though, because it all didn’t work out in the past for a reason. But he wants Denise to know that she’s special regardless of what happens. Denise is thrilled, because he means special as in “good” and not “special ed”. She weeps and squeezes him. He doesn’t want her to think lack of some kind of feelings kept them apart. They head inside and close the drapes. Where he puts on a Spiderman costume and she….eh. Whatever.
Reunion land equals Union Land
It’s the morning of day 13, the second to last day of the whole trip. Mandy and T-rex arrive back from their hallpass where the obligatory classmate greetfest takes place. Mandy tells us that no matter what the peeps think about the small amount of time she’s spent with the T-man, that she has strong feelings for him, and because they spent so many close and squishy nights together, how could she not say she loves him? Well she obviously can because she just did. She spills to Stacy more of the same and tells her they plan to visit when they get back to Texas. Across the grounds, T-rex tells us that meeting Amanda has been one of the greatest moments of his life. He says it’s a fairytale, and he has to love-up Mandy in the future. If the relationship goes where he sees it, it could be wedding bell material. Amanda doesn’t hear this, but I’m guessin’ she’d be slapping her hands together, sea-otter style if she knew. I kind of am, and yet I’ve never met the people. But then I do that anyway.
When Lou Lou and John bon arrive back in Reunion land, Lou says she’s going to tell Johnny she’s fallen back in love with him. But only when the moment’s right. Girlfriend, I think it’s smart that you’ll finally let that little kitty out of the bag after telling him you’re going to move to his city and all. Anyhow, she’s nervous about putting her Lou-heart out there because you never know if the other person will reciprocate or if they’ll chuck mashed bananas at you. Trust me. You do not want the mashed banana scenario. Johnny is filled with Johnny joy, and doesn’t have any doubts that he could spend the rest of his life with Lou.
Gabe and Denise arrive back and Heather gazes on from the kitchen, reiterating her compassion for Denise and how much of a toad-bag Gabe is. She says that Denise is stuck in the hell-land that is Gabe, and because she stupidly tricked him into marriage ten years ago, it’s a bad habit that they’ll never be able to end. Louann gets back into her bad habit smothering Denise straight out of the SUV, and hoisting her, chimp-style, on her back.
Denise dishes to Laura and says they had a great time and hopes they get the future they want. So far, they’re still going to the prom stag, but she’s hopeful. Gabe doesn’t know what’ll happen, and he’s apprehensive. He has no idea if he’ll pursue it, or just let them go their separate ways. Stay tuned.
I’m completely excited for everyone. Denise and the Rock are communicating excellently, Lenny’s got cajones, Heather’s moved on, T-rex and Mandy-poo are connectin’ like nobody’s bidness, and Lou Lou and Johnny are headed for a potentially yummy future. Stay tuned for next week: the season finale, where the producers will crush our hearts by destroying one of the above scenarios and re-editing in scenes we missed that would lead us in other directions. Who will get engaged? What will the prom be like? Who will dance? Will anyone shake it to Sir Mixalot? Who’s the next Michael Flatley, and who’s the next Elaine Bennis? Stay tuned for the season finale!!
I’m never staying up this late again. firstname.lastname@example.org