This is it. The one I’ve been waiting for, peeps. The recap de caca that finally, truly, blows, despite effort, despite greasin’ it up, despite running away from it and comin’ back, trying to squeeze any kind of interest I can out of it. It’s a hard little lemon, though, and it ain’t givin’ me any juice, peeps. I pre-apologize.
So one of my peeplets walked into my cubicle fortress today, looked at my forlorn face, and used one of my favorite lines ever: “why the downie, brownie?” Ahhh. It hits me with the funny every time. My explanation? The blues man.....the blues. Is it because Tone Loc’s career is on the slide? No. The fact that hot dogs come 10 to a package while hot dog buns come 8 to a package? No. But good point. The fact that I have so much laundry to do, that I was two steps away from wearing my 1987, tight, faded, Def Leppard concert t-shirt to work? Not cool (now) either, but no. I'm afraid I'm chagrined that this piece of solid gold entertainment is soon spinning to a close. Where will we get our Heather news? How many of Gabe's exes can fit in a Stadium? We might never find out. But while it's here, let's just *cough* enjoy, shall we?
Tonight is the dialogue heavy, action-light, After-School-Special episode you’ve been waiting for all season. Let’s strap in and learn us some lessons, shall we?
First up it’s morning in Reunion land, and we find Lou lou, Denise, and Laura treading in the pool. The topic? The John John/Lou Lou combo meal. Denise says that Johnny’s so awesome because, “he’s very simple." Hmmm. Simple like rainman? Or simple like….....rainman? How do you put the good spin on “simple”? Laura says, oh yeah, simple, but she digs it. He’s content and easy-going…..unless he misses Wopner. Then all hell breaks loose. Lou Lou is in a state of shock, though. I am too. Judge Judy totally kicks Wopner’s ass. But I digress. Apparently the two nights of love that she and John John spent together hit her hard. She’s all guilted up about the hometown honey bun, but had to see if she could take it to the hoops with John bon. Right here there's this horrible piece of editing where Denise asks the Lou-love if she's asked someone (noooo clue who that “someone” is) why he hadn’t called yet, and why it took “this” to do it (what is “this”? hello? More information please). Denise totally pictured Loulou in wedded bliss by now, and Lou lou just wants to regroup and find out where Johnny stands. Apparently right by the pool, holding a basketball. No one points this out to Lou.
I’m going to interject here that Lenny plays the guitar! Sweet!! It’s bundled up in an unimportant montage of morning readiness, but I had to share it with the peeps. I knew you’d want to know. Because the long hair did signify something: that he’s likely picked out Stairway to Heaven too many times. And anything by the Eagles. And the Doors. Or Winger. Or…good God maybe Poison. But I could be way off. He could totally be the “Go Tell Aunt Rhodie” type. We can’t hear it, so I don’t know. I would only be really impressed if he pops out, “flight of the Bumblebee”, (because if you’ve never heard that on the guitar, then you’ve never been to the Mounds Academy 8th grade jamboree. And in that case, you’ve been hosed out of the magic of hearing not-made-for-guitar tunes played on guitar, and pop songs played by clarinets and oboes. Nothing makes you want to drag your lighter out more than hearing “Hungry Like the Wolf” on the French Horn….. the way it was made to be heard. ) But anyhow, the Lenster’s a rocker. Sweet deal.
Next up all the chickies are gathered in the kitchen/living room area. The tension is (kind of) hot as the sophomore girls make drinks (in the morning? Well I guess it is a vacation…) while the senior girls look on and sneer. Soon enough, Heather and Amanda leave the room to avoid the heat, while the senior girls roll their eyes and begin to slam them. Surprisingly, the slammy slammer of them all isn’t Denise this time, but Heather C., as she jokes about Heather’s boobies, the skinny-dipping, and what not. She also somehow suggests popping one of the implants. Nice girl. Denise chimes in with her own insults, thinking the girls are tacky and wacky, and that Gabe won’t dig a chick who shows off her yabbos like that. Yeah, because guys hate that.
It’s hallpass time. Who’s it for this time? *sigh* Heather. Of course. Big freakin’ surprise. This time it tells her to move forward or move on, sistah. She can chart her future with a day of fun in the sun followed by a nightcap. Who will she ask? Guess. She reminisces about the Rock and their talk of past feelings, and we see montage footage of their past date. Heather is totally stunned that Denise hasn’t said jack about her past date, but Mandy tells her to stop it and worry about her own damn self. Heather agrees, and notes that Gabe is stifled by Denise's omnipresent existence in his world.
The Hammer of Hurt
Lou Lou wants to chat it up with John to find out where they’re headed, and what’s up next. She nabs him in the yard and starts to lay it on the line. Would he contact her if they didn’t have the reunion? Johnny messes up and pauses too long before finally offering a lame, "it was all sooooo long ago." Not. What a woman. Wants to hear. That’s right up there with, “it doesn’t matter to me,” and “fat? *pauses too long* um…” She wants to know what his deal is for waiting so freakin’ long to tell her he had the squishies for her. John says it’s because he didn’t want his squish to make her uncomfy. It seems to him like she’s stressin’. But Loula wants to know of the future. Johnny’s ball-free, though (I mean crystal-ball free, heh), and just knows that he’s completely single and open to whatever, but doesn’t want to make her feel awkward if her thumpin’ little ticker isn’t in it. Lou’s little blonde brow looks stressed and it wrinkles in a very worried way.
Back in Heather-land, she talks about her connection with the Rock. Lightning. Thunder bolts. White hot goodness. She knows they both feel it. Oh they so do. This next hallpass is her one way to get him all alone. Because she’s never had him alone. Well except that one time. When they were alone. Oh…and all those times on the grounds when he’s been.....alone.
Gabe, on the other hand, floats weightlessly on a ball in the pool.
Anyhow. He’s all nervous, because he’s here with two ex-girlfriends and the mother of his kidlets. He doesn’t want to fight about the old, he doesn’t want to fight about the new, he doesn’t want to lay it down, basically.
But Heather gets him up to her room. Where they’re alone. *ahem* Anyhow. She asks him on the second hallpass. He pops her balloon almost immediately by starting with, “I’m really flattered…” Kiss. Of. Death. So he’s flattered. Once you hear that, it’s like listening to Jeff Probst wail out challenge directions. Somewhere after: “so you take these greased monkey statues…” and “first one through the hoop of fire burn-free wins immunity,” your mind starts drifting, images of geographic shapes enter, and you start mentally searching your drawers for that moon-shaped keychain you made in the 8th grade.
In the now, Heather’s face falls flat while Gabe tells her that his goal here was to hang out with allll the high school peeps, not just one peeplet. He doesn’t want to miss any action. And not the kind of action that Heather wishes they were havin’. I assume. Neither of them mention this but I’m pretty sure Heather wants some Rock on her. But anyhow, the Rock just hopes she gets his vibe, and doesn’t feel rejected. Too late, Gabe, seeing as you actually did reject her. Props to Gabe, though, for attempting to let her down easy. Heather acts hunky dorey when she soo isn’t, and Gabe leaves, feeling confused. Heather dreads seeing Denise's assured glee over her rejection.
Kind of like that Party with Bean, Except Not Really
Up next is a tornado of boring conversations. Well….they’re not completely boring…it’s just that without the expected Heather/Gabe hallpass, there’s not a whole lot of action goin’ down in Reunion land. In the pool, the senior girls are cackling over the good time that’s usually had over someone else’s rejection. Laura’s proud of Gabe, Denise is delighted, and all are merry about Heather’s pain. A bit later, a few peeps chit chat in the kitchen: TJ, Laura, Daniel, and…..what? Is that freakin’ Jeralyn? Will she get to utter words this time? Answer: no. Instead, we actually see Daniel and TJ chuckling together. Daniel tells us that he’s getting all verklempt over the fact that TJ’s giving him a chance, and that he’s impressed by him. TJ, on the other hand, still isn’t down with Dan’s lifestyle. He sees a bit of himself in Dan, though, and as he’s all about self-lovin’, he can’t help but love on Dan. Well, not literally, as we don’t want to push him too far. But he stuns us all by realizing he was stupid in the past, like wayyy long ago. Like…a whole 9 days ago. But he’s jazzed. He’s looking forward to a future where he can be less stupid. Let’s hope he makes it. Daniel thanks TJ for giving him a chance, and TJ says he’s changed in 100 different ways. So far, TJ is lookin’ better than he ever has on this show. Good for Teej.
Outside, Heater and Amanda plot, plot, plot. They want to show the senior girls what fer, and toss out all kinds of ideas. Toilet papering the room? Lipsticking the mirrors? Check annnnd check. According to Mandy, the senior girls spun out some bad ju ju. Like screamin’ profanities at the chicklets, and pushing ‘em down the hallway. Amanda’s not revengeful, she says.......plotting revenge. The trick is to do whatever they do real speedy-like. In and out. Wham bam, screw you ma’ams. Heather’s all up for it, and remembers how Denise followed her home after school calling her names, threatening to kick her ass etc. etc. And one time, when they were both at the same party, Denise pulled her locks and yanked her down to the ground. Dayum . Denise of yore sounds wicked!!!! If I ever did something like this, I’d have to kick my own ass. And that would suck. Because I don't bend that way. Typically. Heather thinks Denise hasn’t changed a whit, and won’t own up to her past nastiness. All I can say to Denise is fess up and become one with the chi, own it, renew it, fix it, and move on. Heather's tired of the crap Denise put her through, and wants to walk away from this feeling better. After settling on some pranks, it looks like toilet paper and brushin’ her armpits with Denise’s toothbrush are integral to Heather's feel-good process.
I’ll admit to being party to a toilet-papering fiasco. Once. At a party when I was 17. I just remember being crammed into a teenie weenie attic “room” about five feet tall and 20 feet long all to “party” with a friend of a friend of a friend and their friends. Stupidly, we let friend of friend drive, which was fine, until he disappeared with his girlfriend behind an enormous American Flag “wall” while the rest of us had to watch movie choices like Hellraiser, Hellraiser,......and something about Hellraiser. Anyhow, I was near said American Flag when it started undulating and moaning to the beat of the teen-lust behind it. So without thinking, when a girl named “Bean” offered to whisk us out of there and give me and my non-car-having friends a ride home, we agreed. Only to make an unscheduled stop on the way home to toilet paper her crazy ex’s house. So crazy-ex saw us, was quite large, and threatened to “kick some ass.” I was on his side of the car. No likey. And I have skinny little wrists. Me = shakey. So when Heather and Amanda bring up toilet papering, all I can do is shudder and think of Hellraiser, Bean, and broken wrists. No bueno.
Back in Reunion land, it’s the nighttime, and time for a Jess-planned luau. Everybody must show up at 7:45 p.m. where they will all get leid. Awww yeah. Oh you so saw that joke coming. Anyhow, the group enjoys some sassy dancers and fire spinners, both men and women shakin’ it in grass skirts etc. Heather and Amanda, however, are just waiting for an opportunity to run back to the senior chickie’s room and ambush it. Heather will give Mandy the “word”, and they’ll be on it! Word up…they run. They fly into the sernior girl’s room giggling and pulling out an enormous, government sized stack of toilet paper.
Stacy narrates the prank as they put toothpaste and shaving cream everywhere, while Heather stays true to her word and giggles when she rubs her pits with Denise’s toothbrush. I have to admit that I smiled at that. Is it good that I smiled? Probably not…but man…yo, I couldn’t stop myself. They dishevel the beds, toss undies everywhere, and leave the room totally trashed before flying out of there giggling. I would be ticked if I was the victim, and yet I’m still giggling like a little chipmunk.
Crap and Fan…..Merge
After the mayhem, Mandy heads down to the rocky beach to tell Trevor, and swear him to secrecy. He promises he’ll keep it between himself, Mandy-poo, and his sexy left toe. Up on land, the senior girls see their room for the first time. Shaving cream everywhere, toilet paper spinning freely on the ceiling fans, mattresses askew, and undies everywhere. They freak, but not in the nasty way I was ready for. Instead, Laura actually chortles it up and screams, “this means war!!” Game on! She runs out and grabs all the rest of the women and everyone comes a runnin’, Flintstone style. Amanda feigns a total shocker pose and runs after them, pretending to be wowed by the mess. Denise ain’t havin’ it, though, and immediately accuses Amanda. Ooo!! Wait!! Everybody be quiet! Jeralyn is speaking. *chirp, chirp* Oh. She just gets two words in. Rats. Something about being able to tell that Amanda was clearly acting. For the most part, the senior girls aren’t as ticked as I’d imagined, but Denise is still bugged that her kidlet’s pictures are covered.
Back in sophomore land, Heather is cramming a suitcase…and fast. She feels all jittery after what they’ve done and says she needs to pack just in case. She said it may seem like a small deal, but this is really quite huge. Like, government toilet-paper-pack-huge.
It’s a full moon, and Amanda’s laying in Dan’s room, where the crap ends up going down. The senior girls all dogpile on Amanda and ask her wtf just went down. Amanda finally fesses to revenge for the crappy way they were treated in high school. She reminds the senior girls of their screaming taunts, and that Denise ripped Heather’s hair down and pulled her to the ground at a party. Denise acts all “whatever” and says, “um…yeah…eleven years ago” as if it were no big deal. She doesn’t get why they need resolution. Why? Amanda burns red hot and starts to let it fly. She wants to know if girlfriend remembers all the stuff she did to them. Denise said if Heather needs a sorry, that she oughtta come ‘n git it.
Denise’s response isn’t good enough for Amanda, and Mandy spits out, “no, I didn’t ask you that. I want to know if you remember that. You didn’t answer my question.” Everyone looks completely stiff, while Amanda says Denise was a bully, and that no one should have to approach her for an apology since Denise was the one who threatened lives. Denise wants to know how the heck she poses a threat at 4 foot 10. How? By sicking her cousins and gang members on Heather, that’s how, says Amanda. Denise finally cops to being a child back in the day, but that it’s ten years ago, and hence water under the bridge, and apparently, Heather just needs to let it go. Oh sure, she was mean, she admits, but she thought everything was coolio now, what with Heather’s upfront niceness and all. And furthermore, she isn’t the type that apologizes for stuff that went down ten years ago. I guess according to Denise, the statute of limitations on apologies is right after…well…the act was committed. Good news for those in the clinker right now. She follows up by saying if Heather wants some o’ this, she’s going to have to bridge that gap. Amanda says she knows that Denise doesn’t have to do it, but it’s what Heather needs. Denise doesn’t budge. She ain’t doin’ it.
After the senior girls leave the room, Amanda’s spent and disgusted. She wisely tells Dan that the victim should never be the one to apologize. Dan just doesn’t want his room to be the vortex of evil for all the conflict. He wishes the peeps would talk it out rather than fight it out. Because we know that nothing gets solved with fighting. Oh wait. Except for his relationship with TJ, which was somehow magically resolved in three minutes in a boxing ring. Hmm. Anyhow, Laura finishes the scene by telling us that the senior chickies are over it, and if the other peeps aren’t? Then too freakin’ bad.
Back in the sophomore’s room, Amanda lies on the bed and cries her little eyes out. She’s been sucker punched for all of them, and she’s spent. She doesn’t get how the senior girls can be such big meanies, not caring about the bad ju ju they flicked Amanda and Heather's way. Stacy hops in Mandy’s bed and comforts her, mama-style, while Heather says she knew that this would all explode. Something’s gotta give, and she aims to be the one to get it done. The scene ends with Denise brushing her teeth using the toothbrush most recently in Heather’s armpit.
I’m sorry…kind of
Early the next morning, Heather and Amanda are ready to bring it on, and head to the living room to nab Denise. Denise is sprawled out on one of the couches, and Heather launches right in. She doesn’t get what up with no apology. She appreciates the niceness, but wtf? Denise said she was all oblivious until last night that Heather wanted an apology, and thought the fake-friendliness between them was all a sign that the conflict be...gone. Heather ain’t havin’ it, and demands to know why Denise doesn’t feel like dog doo for the past? It didn’t occur to Denise, that’s why. She remembers being a mean little troll, but she’s let that go and feels like a whole new woman now. Back and forth and round and round they go. Heather piling on Denise for not being sorry enough, Denise apologizing for being evil. Finally Denise puts a stopper in it all and says, yo, girlfriend, you came here to fight. I came here to get it on with the Rock. You want an apology? It just happened. Deal. Heather walks away still thinking Denise is a beyatch.
Laura’s proud of tiny little Denise, because not only did Heather come ready to lay the smackdown, but her attitude stunk it up, and she needs to grow up. She pats herself and the other girls on the back for being so darn gracious in the matter. Ahh…self congratulations over NOT being the butt of the jokes in the past. Seems pretty easy to me.
While Denise is inside, chillin’ out, Louann is outside, spinnin’ a web of worry. She’s wandering the grounds muttering to herself, kicking a pop can. Okay, not really, she’s just wandering the grounds feelin’ guilty about her hometown candy, Brad, who’s perfect. Yet, she still admits to amazing feelings of love juice for Johnny, and wonders if it’s reunion-related or long-lasting, like juicy fruit. Johnny knows there’s a lot on Lou-Lou-bear’s mind, but that he’s caught up in the moment and doesn’t want to leave knowing there could be so much more goodness between them.
The show ends with Denise saying Heather needs to get ovah it. She wants to hook it up with the Rock, old school style. Now that the drama is past, she and the Rock can team up and “rock” each other’s world. Yeah, I can’t believe I used that either. But then I ain’t feelin’ it in this entire recap. My apologies. Anyhow, all she knows is that a Genise reunion is mandatory. How does the Gabe feel? He’s sitting on the beach next to an enormous rock listening to enormous aviator-sized headphones, and I’m thinking, where the hell is that thing plugged in? The house is a mile away. But whatever. He says he has love FOR Denise, but isn’t IN love with her. He has a lot of thinkin’ to do.
next: The reunion’s comin’ to a close. Will someone get married? Who will do the most jello shooters? Find out on the next installment.
Maybe the funny will come back for a visit. firstname.lastname@example.org