Hello my little peeplets. Welcome to day 7.1 in Reunion land. Did this show get any better? Did I get my sour cream gun? No annnd no. I think the stripper was the highlight. Or at least it was for me. And Dan. And those of us comfortable with watching TJ get squeamish. Which means.....all of us. But my thoughts this week all center around the fact that this show seems to be longer than any series on WB should be allowed. We’re on episode four of a two week experience, WHY aren’t we on day 9? Why? Oh why? I’ll admit to watching portions of last year’s show….voluntarily. Yeah..I know. But this year I’m about as excited about this as I am about painting an unventilated closet…in 90 degree heat….covered in bacon grease. Why the bacon grease? Because I like to be shiny. But we’re here, so let’s get this show pony in the ring.
Again, another sexual content warning for mature audiences. Avert ye tender eyes if need be.
The show begins with a lovely conversation with Lenny and Jeralyn, discussing Nietche, Frank Lloyd Wright, and a bit about the Matrix: Reloaded. They wonder why the plot kind of blew as the series went on. I wonder that too. And I can’t help but picture Will Ferrell every time I hear the words, “What is the Matrix?” He’s so funny! Remember that one time….
Oh. I forgot. This is supposed to be a real recap. Well then, the above never happened. Ha! Did you really think Jeralyn was up for some face time? Pffft. Not...even...close. Her name isn’t Denise, Gabe, or Heather, and as such, we’ll be seeing about as much of her as we did in the last episode where she was obscured by genitalia. Again. And again. And again.
The real beginning of the show chooses to focus on the whole Gabe/Denise/Heather drama yet again. So far, Stacy, who also rode the Gabe train in high school alongside the other ladies (that doesn’t sound right…but I’m leaving it) is a no show for all the drama. It’s alllll about everybody but her. Denise tells us she hopes to groove on Gabe again, and says that her hallpass was totally bitchin’, yet without using those words. She thought they became closer during the five hours they spent eating lobster and drinking champagne, and wishes they could snuggle-it-up for five more hours. Because God knows that a messy divorce can always be fixed with seafood. And alcohol. Or a combination therein. The problem? That beyatch Heather. In Denise’s eyes anyway. Denise doesn’t have time for Heather’s sh*t (and yes, she really said sh*t). According to an unlicensed, non-degreed Denise, Heather needs a shrink. And according to an unlicensed, non-degreed me, I think Denise needs one too. But what do I know.
Out by the pool, Heather flashes her goodies while Gabe looks on. And by goodies, I mean her blue bikini, the bikini that strangles her yabbos and pushes them up and out.
I need to go shopping.
Her goal used to be to find out what Gabe felt for her in high scool, and now it’s just to rub the Rock in a new and special way. Heh heh. *ahem* Anyhow. She’s amazed it’s all comin’ down the same way ten years later, but feels like the hallpass opened doors of goodness for them both. She’s certain the Rock feels the same, and that Denise is a controlling she-beast that needs to accept it’s ovah.
For some bizarre reason, the producers decide to crack out some soul music from the 70’s, "As we rolllllll...oh yeah" with deep gutteral Barry-like tones, as Lenny struts across the property in a nifty, non-nerdy, shower cap. Because shower-caps have always been for the cool kids. He talks again about wanting acceptance from the peeps, and hopes to nab that now. At this point, I’m actually kind of freaking out, filled with nervous excitement that we might possibly be spending time on someone other than Gabe and his ho's. Could this be an omen? Is Lenny in this episode for a change? Oh please let it be so!! Lenny says he was never popular in high school, *cue video of Lenny smacking himself silly with some kind of long, banana-like foam stick, perfect for self-whackification*. Heh heh. Um..sorry. This show has really brought me down to new Beavis and Butthead levels. Or newer Beavis and Butthead levels. My apologies. More soul music plays as he shakes his Wayne’s World hair.
Laura joins Lenny in his room because she feels like a loser for treating him like a turd muffin in high school. She aims to make it up to him, and feels bad that he doesn’t seem to be all zippy about himself at the reunion. While they chat it up and I do NOT hear the words “I’m sorry” emerge from Laura's lips, we find out from the Lenster that he hasn’t had any chick action in a long time, has a really boring job, and hopes to cling to any woman at the reunion. Good God Lenny, you don’t tell the chicks that, or you might as well speak Kling-on and flash her your Spock ears. He doesn’t understand why he’s so turtle-like and fearful, but Laura’s proud of him for recognizing his it.
It’s the morning after for Louann and Johnny, and they’re still on their hallpass with no signs of it ending any time soon. She slaps some chow on his bedside table, and tells us she feels like they’ve got some kind of magic. There’s an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. One tells her to eat more Ovaltine, the other tells her to poison the bacon. Who will she listen to? Actually the choices are between Johnny and Brad, the hometown candy, but she’s uncomfy nonetheless. She aims to spend more time in Johnnyland, to soak him up sponge-style, just to find out how she feels. They end up on the beach, soakin’ in the sun, while Johnny tells us of his sparkalicious feelings for Lou Lou.
Soon we see that….Oh my freakin’ God Lenny has a hallpass! It's about freakin' time!! All the girls are jazzed for him as he reads it out loud. Apparently, he’s supposed to have fun in “his own way”. His answer: “What does that mean, besides lemon style?” (and what does THAT mean?? lemon style? what??) Anyhow, dude has a hallpass. My head explodes from sheer excitement. How does Lenny feel? He’s intimidated because all the girls are hotties. How to fix that feeling? Laura and Jessica demand he get a make-over.....annnndd how. He tells us that if someone cuts all his hair off, he’ll stab them. Laura wants it to be a huge shocker. I think if she gets stabbed she’ll be very shocked.
Beeker looks HAWT!!
Trevor and Amanda leave their lovenest after a night of hot tubbing and hot rubbin’. Amanda tells us they’re a great match, because both of them have similar histories. He was a shy skinny guy, and she was the wing girl while all her friends were courted by cool guys. Trevor had an amazing time, and doesn’t want to wait for more hallpasses, he wants to spend as much time with Mandy-poo as his suave little Keebler Elf hands can stand. Their morning ends on the beach, where they sip champagne, and Trevor sits behind her, kissing her neck, kissing her shoulders, and rubbing her arm. His strong biceps....pulse....as he strokes her forearm, his lips trailing down the nape of her neck.....gently....in a feather-like fashion. Soon…the warmth of their skin penetrates the already hot Hawaiian air.
Flesh entwines and hands begin to roam.
A bird caws in the distance.
Someone looses their shorts.
Oh. Sorry. Mind drifted again. Anyhow, Amanda thinks it’s hot. It seems to be. She’s overtaken by the fun and romance and didn’t know she could be this happy.
Back on the make-over trip, Lenny tells us he grew his hair long in high school to deflect any potential nerd vibe he might have going on. I heard that. I don’t know a single nerd with long hair. Jack Osbourne? Andy Dick? Paulie Shore? All completely transformed by long locks. Not. Anyhow, he thinks if they chop off his hair, he’ll go Samson, and lose his studly powers.
Laura stands behind the beauty chair and demonstrates a before and after, pulling Lenny's hair away like she wants to chop it. Lenny looks like Beeker ala the Muppets and his eyes are wide, his little mouth tucked in, and I'm waiting for him to go "mi mi mi mi mi." Laura tells us that she wants to do everything. She wants his hair done, she wants him to shave off his facial hair, and she wants to wax his manhood and give him a nice school bus shape *down there”. Okay, she doesn’t say that, but she’s really pushing it today.
Since Lenny has no will of his own, Laura talks to the stylist and basically tells her what to do. A haircut to make him look cool. Lenny says he’s been hiding behind mysterious for a good 14 years now, and is ready for a change. As someone with really long hair who once lost a portion to an untimely tea light fire, I’m subconsciously gripping my couch cushion and screaming, “nooooo” as the stylist lops off an enormous, thick, lustrous, “bret-girl” style ponytail. I feel sick. Lenny reacts “with” me and his eyes bug out of his head while he looks down at his new, temporary, Campbell’s-soup-kid wedge swinging under his chin.
Back at the house, Gabe and Heather play fascinating games with a cup. Just like my Saturday nights. He pushes it to her, telling her she must do what he wants with it. He says it in a suggestive way. What? I’m sorry, but I ain’t no newbie to the land of innuendo, um…anyhow, is there some kind of glass/cup lingo/hotness that I missed out on? Perhaps they’re talkin’ nut cup. Is that supposed to be hot? What? And I can’t imagine he wants to do anything “special” wearing one of those. Unless he’s unusually sensitive. Good God maybe this is why he dated three women at the same time.
Anyhow, he jokes and says he “gave it to her” but she “rejected it”. I added the quotes. Because it’s funnier. I don’t think that tone was actually there. But for you, anything, my peeplets. Heather tells us Gabe still wants her and she wants to explore it. They enjoyed the hallpass, and she can’t walk away anymore. All the cup action ceases, though, as Denise wanders into the room, and Gabe immediately heads out into the sun.
It’s time for Lenny’s unveiling. Just like the big tarp covering King Kong, we await the removal of Lenny’s shaky hands. Laura and Jess are led to him at the same time, eyes closed. The stylist tells them to open up, and their eyes pop open in time to see........ a hideous room decorated by Hildi Santo Tomas! Okay. Not really. Their eyes pop open. The girls scream. Lenny contorts his face into Beeker look #2. The girls tell him he looks HOT. Actually, he does look great. But Lenny says that when he first saw himself in the mirror, his head exploded. He didn’t even “get” that it was him. When the women told him his hair looked hot, he didn’t get that it really meant that he was hot. It was a freakishly new and weird concept for him to grasp. They all end up on a Pretty Woman shopping spree.....sans the hooker. He ends up in a brown golf shirt with stripes, juuust like something Brad Pitt would wear. He’s smoookin’! Actually, he does look good, but the women’s clothing choices? Suck rocks.
Johnny and Louann are still on their hallpass, plowing straight through day two. Their feelings are white hot and it allll feels gooooood. Louann is still confused, but is jazzed about the connection she feels with her little Johnny jump up. Which doesn't stop her from bursting into tears moments later, saying she’s all atwitter about what to do now, and realizes she has to give herself some Lou-love before she can Lou-love on anyone else. She eludes to the fact that her hometown candy was a safe choice, rather than a passionate choice, and might have been done to appease her cautioning mama. They both want to kiss, and Louann wants to know why he hasn't suctioned her yet. Why? Because he’s a gentlemen and doesn’t want to make things hard. Err....I mean...harder. Than…they…already are. On her. Um…yeah. They cuddle and stroke each other instead.
It’s nighttime and the right time for Lenny to reveal himself to the rest of the classmates. As the SUV pulls up, all the classmates run outside. Lenny pops out, looking quite handsome, and everyone cheers. Lenny looks bug-eyed again. The women are squealing, “ohmygodohmygodohmygod” while the men are pumping their fists in the air and hooting like chimps. Gabe is freaked out, and respects Lenny’s bravitude. The rest of the women think he’s hotter than a griddle cake, and walks and talks differently. Yep. Just like a human. TJ is truly impressed, and Lenny says he’s never felt this sexy in his life. Although I don’t think that has anything to do with TJ’s admiration. I think. Don’t tell TJ.
Still on day 2 of the longest hallpass in history, Lou Lou and John Bon are cookin’ things up together. They dish out the same love vibes: she’s totally awesome, he’s wicked cool. She’s developed into a shiny new coin, he’s like an old familiar shoe. They talk. And talk. And talk. No lip locking…yet. But both want it. Oh do they want it. If they could, they’d suck face this instant, but Lou Lou’s holding back. Not for long though, as she says if she doesn’t pursue it 100 percent, she’s going to explode. She wants to be grabbed and kissed. Johnny obliges by slowly leaning in, and planting a soft one on her lips. They kiss tenderly for a long, long, time, and end up beaming. Johnny’s never felt this way about a girl, and hopes she feels the same way. Louann is overwhelmed and says her heart is fluttering right out of her little prom queen chest. The night ends as they head off to a bedroom together, closing the door behind them.
Soap on a rope on a bed in the ocean
In the wee mornin’ hours, Louann is saddled with guilt. She wonders how she’s going to wash the film of self-doubt off her blonde body when she returns home. Johnny is just jazzed it happened. Guilt schmilt, he got to kiss a girl!! Back in reunion land, everyone thinks their hallpass is taking…for…ever. Which in their world, means two days. And in my world, it means two episodes. Two episodes too many. Amanda chastises Lou Lou’s choices, and says no way no how would she be running off for some goodies if she were in a relationship for three years. Apparently where Trevor's concerned, she’s more content with running off for some goodies after three hours.
At this point, I'm so bored that I notice I have four freckles on my leg, that when connected, make a vacuum cleaner shape. Complete with dust bag. Yep.
Class clown Chris starts to call Johnny a selfish bastard jokingly. Because that’s always funny. Oh, and pay attention. This is Chris’s 4th segment on the show. First segment: French fries up his nose. Second segment: desperately cawing at some ocean babes. Third segment: after his fake upsetedness over Johnny's hallpass, he suggests ripping down his picture and defacating on it. Ewww. Too far? Um..yeah. The dude is trying to get dates! *sigh* I sense a long, woman-free existence in Chris’s future. The men end up stripping Johnny’s photo from the wall, chucking it on his mattress, and toting the entire thing out to the water trampoline while everyone else looks on in horror.
Lenny, on the other hand, is positively ill with the idea that he has to actually speak to a girl, let alone ask her to spend time with him for any length of time. But he's actually semi-tickled with the idea that he has too many girls to choose from. A wicked cool problem to have. You go, Len. Soon he knocks on Stacy's door. You remember Stacy, don’t you? No? She also grabbed Gabe’s ass in high school. Along with Denise. And Heather. And God knows who else. Heck, maybe I did too.
Anyhow, Lenny wants to know if sweet mama Stacy will go out with him. Does mama like? Mama does! She squeals like a dolphin and wraps her stick-like arms around him. Apparently she’s completely crushin’ on Lenny, and is incredibly excited about dating him. Both are nervous, but Lenny is just jazzed that a hottie wants to date him. It blows his mind.
While Lenny gets ready for his hallpass, Louann and Johnny are newly returning from theirs. Denise and Laura are excited for them, and Chris points Johnny to his bed, smack dab in the middle of the bay on the water trampoline. Instead of lugging it back in, Johnny swims out to it and chooses to make merry out there. On shore, Louann tells Denise she’s been awakened by Johnny. Like wayyy awakened. Her feelings are oh so real, but she ain’t sure she can go home and confront things there. Her hometown honey didn’t expect her to dabble in the sea of love, and she’s got to keep her eye on the prize! Refocus! I want her to hop into the Karate kid "crow" stance. She doesn't. Rats.
Lenny’s about to go nuts. He’s so nervous about picking up Stacy that he thinks he’ll have to do shots. The only thing keeping him confident is the fact that the other women fought like crazed weasels over who got to style his hair. He finally realizes that his own perception of himself is wayyy off. Apparently Tracy needs a little liquor courage too, because when Lenny picks her up, she’s carrying what looks like a chicken bucket full of some kind of alcohol.
Boobies Solve Every Problem
Amanda and Heather frolic in the ocean while Denise slams them. Amanda had her boobies and nose done, so of course she’s cute, Denise says. Louann chooses to remind Denise about the sophomore girls' claim that Denise threatened their lives ala gang attack ten years ago. Denise snaps back that they’re all kindergardners.
At the same time, the Lenny/Stacy combo meal is out stuffing their face at an arcade. He never would have sucked in the courage needed to nab Stacy in high school, and he’s thrilled with himself right now for even being near her. They shoot, they score, fun is had by all. In the end, Lenny buys Stacy an enormous stuffed frog prince, and Stacy says she’s “stoked” as all women are by arcade toys.
Back at the resort, Heather attempts to stalk Gabe on the grounds while he attempts running away. The solution? Amanda suggests they all go skinny dipping. Are they drinking? Of course they are. Heather wants another hallpass with him, and more alone time, but for now, shaking her boobies for all to see sounds like a good idea. The girls giggle, bump boobs together, and decide to round up more (drunk) peeps.
Soon the ladies strip down behind the water trampoline while Trevor taps it like a drum. Dude, they’re comin’ out, it was their idea....you don’t need to hassle ‘em. Soon they charge out, boobies covered, and sprint for the ocean, with Trevor and Tre’s naked asses following. Trevor swims towards Amanda immediately. When the Rock walks by, Amanda toots at him to join, but he just keeps walkin’. Someone steals their clothes and runs off.
The show ends with negative comments from the non-naked people. The “other” Heather, thinks they're "slutty", and Denise thinks they’re pathetically lame. Lame or not, they’re in the hot tub, and a drunk Heather tells us she is sooo much better than Denise, because she like, can flash her boobs and everything. And Gabe knows it. So there, Denise. Nyeah. Laura awaits the smackdown, as she’s sure Denise will be threatened by the skinny-dipping.
Up next: Louann has regrets, the sophomore girls toilet paper the senior girls, and Heather gets a hallpass.
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