Hello my peeplets, I’m impressed you made it back! I, however, found my mind wandering throughout the show to various existential questions: What are we doing here? Why is the sky blue? Is there msg in a Taco Bell chalupa? Where did that chihauhau go? Was it always the same chihauhua? Where can I get a sour cream gun? And who wants a piece o’ me? Well at least if I have to suffer, I have the ten of you to suffer with me. Let us all join hands, sway, and sing Kumbaya.
First up is a big sexual content warning. See? It’s not limited to Fox. Even 12th rate networks use the cheap gimmicks to suck us in. Consider us sucked. (Okay, not really, as I’m still just as disinterested in this show…but I had to fit that sentence in. He he. Done annnnd done.)
It’s day five and Daniel’s birthday. All the peeplets are gathered in the living room to wish him well and Lenny gets a cameo appearance by commenting on how odd it is for Dan to be celebrating it there. (I say cameo because…well…it’s not like Lenny’s getting a recurring role on this soap opera featuring Gabe, is it?) So it’ll be an interesting birthday. Boy howdy will it. Just take a wait and see approach, my peoples. Yeah, that’s crap foreshadowing, but ahh….whatever. I'm operating on two hours of sleep people. Bear with me. Dan tells us his birthday wasn’t recognized back in the day, and doesn’t celebrate it much, while Laura gives him a cutesy hug and tells us she had an inkling that Dan was gay when he showed up to prom in a skirt. *flash to picture of a happy looking Dan wearing a kilt-like ensemble*. Louann gives Dan a homemade card, which is actually kind of nice, but I shudder and remember my high school boyfriend’s homemade Valentine card, written from extra paper in his Trapper Keeper. We were soooo gonna get married. Not. Dan tells everyone that he feels really, really, old, like 40. Whatever.
On the side, Louann is zipping through the (campus? Villa? Resort? Love shack?) rallying all the other classmates together in an effort to plan a surprise party for Dan that night. She bundles them together in a squishy little group and tells them they’re all jammin’ down pizza and cosmos (cosmopolitans? I’m not a heavy-drinking girl…..anymore…so I’m not sure.) at 7:00 p.m. Gabe...er...I mean, "The Rock" (Doesn't anyone see the resemblance yet? Anyone?) pipes up and says that everyone has to wear a skirt. I don’t know if this was someone else’s idea, or if Gabe just wants to be fancy. Whatever. The Rock will be in a skirt, which frankly, “rocks”. Yeah, that was kind of lame. Sorry. Notice how I didn't edit it out? Yeah. Sorry again. Like I said. Two hours. Of sleep. I'm kind of semi-sleeping right now, truth be told.
Everyone’s totally up for it, and Jessica, the teen mom, hopes that this will make up for Dan being ostracized in high school, and thinks he’ll appreciate the gesture. Will it work? All I know is that nearly four years of torture can usually be solved with one night of pork rinds and jello shooters. Works for me. As long as they have the pork rinds though. The pork rinds are…the…key.
Louann is the sacrificial lamb in charge of persuading TJ to make the party. She approaches a very formally dressed TJ sitting in a garden chair that everyone’s going to the party, no ifs, ands, or buts, and that everyone…...….including TJ...…*drum roll*.....is expected to wear a skirt. TJ gives us an "ooo that hurts" look as if he's sitting on more than a garden chair. Tip for TJ: remove stick. Theeerre you go. She tells him the reason he has to wear a skirt is because Dan wore a skirt to prom and everyone made fun of him. TJ says there’s a whole lot of difference between a black skirt and a kilt. Yep, TJ, one is black, and one is plaid. Good eye! He tells us he doesn’t understand the whole gay pride thing, and that he feels incredibly uncomfortable. Again, the stick TJ, the stick. Out, out, damn stick!
Up next we see a hall pass waiting on……Heather’s bed! What a freakin’ shocker. You didn’t honestly think that we’d be watching a show about anyone outside the freakshow that is the Gabe drama, did you? That’s right. It’ll be okay. We can make it. It’ll be Heather’s first opportunity to have Gabe alone and explore all the old squishy vibes that are flooding back. She wants to know how he feels about her too, so off she goes, rounding the grounds, drink in hands, trying to nab Gabe alone. She soo doesn’t want to ask him in front of the ex, because she knows Denise’s undies will be tight about it. She finally spots him sitting in a lawn chair seemingly alone, but instead of approaching him directly, she just kind of….stares at him and mouths incomprehensible syllables, performing some kind of new sign language that only we and the camera men can see, but whom no one but perhaps herself, and Coco the chimp can recognize. Maybe she wants a banana. I don’t really know. But as she can’t seem to get over to him on her own, Amanda and Stacy go in for the kill. “Be subtle” she yells, hopping up and down unsubtlely.
Amanda coyly summons Gabe with her finger and lures him around a tree to where Heather is sitting. Surprise! “You knew you weren't that interesting, right?" Heather chortles, inferring that there’s no way Amanda could be interested in him. I'm thinking, "yes, he really isn't that interesting. Where is Chris with his french-fries-up-the-nose trick? Better. Much, much better." Heather asks, Gabe accepts, and Heather decides she needs to tell Denise before she finds out on her own. She knows one thing for sure: Denise will go
Cat Scratch Fever
Heather hunts Denise down on the grounds and ambushes her near the gates to the resort. She blurts out the hall pass news in a rapid fire, stuttered kind of telegraph sequence. Wantedyoutoknow. Gottahallpass. TakingGabe. Youcoolwiththatokaygood. Denise lies, "it's totally fine,” but her smile is plastic. Total Barbie 2004 all the way. Heather reassures her that she’s not trying to date Gabe, (um…yeahhh), she just needs to talk to him about some stuff likethefactthatshestillloveshi mandwantstogivehimnumnumsbutsh edoesntsaythisoutloudI'mjustre adinghermind. Okay. Heather is like, whatever, dude, but tells us that she wouldn’t be surprised if Heather made a move on the hall pass. Denise looks like she wants to smack her.
Heather immediately skips off to tell Stacy and Amanda about Denise’s reaction. She does an impromptu impression of Heather’s bitter facial expression, and then tells us that when she told Denise she wasn’t planning on taking him away, Denise said, “oh, there’s nothing to take.” The other girls are unsurprised, and Heather tells us that Denise has a way of making Gabe feel guilty for choosing to do things he likes to do.
At the same time, Denise and Louann are chillin’ outside when the Gabester walks by. Denise wants to know what time he’s leaving, and Louann wants to know wtf? Leaving? For where? Denise cackles, “Oh, you didn’t hear? Heather asked Gabe on a hall pass.” Clearly upset, she tries to pee on her territory by cooing to Gabe, “um, I have your socks and your belt from the other night....so if you uh..need them for your date, let me know." Louann is unjazzed. She’s under the illusion that Gabe and Denise are trying to work on their relationship. From an outside standpoint, it appears to be all Denise.
Soon Heather and Gabe cram themselves into an SUV and giggle and joke their way to parasailing and vittles. Gabe thinks Heather looks like a hottie, but what really attracts him to her is her awesome personality and love of a good time. Heather can feel Gabe’s vibe, because she starts to flirt on the boat and coyly asks the driver if parasailing is is violent enough to rip off her suit and leave her naked. Oh no she di-in’t. Yes she did. Gabe thinks she’s a hilarious girl who’s evolved into a hot mama. The hot mama and the Rock are soon strapped together and flying above the ocean.
Handcuffs and Vibrating Giblets
Back at the resort, it’s time to partayyy. Tre pops into TJ’s room wearing a grass skirt and a bikini top. He wants TJ at Dan’s surprise party. In a skirt. Now. Surprisingly, TJ agrees to get into costume.
I want him in coconut breasts.
Instead, he wears a formal dress shirt clamping down on his adam’s apple, because he doesn’t want any sexy neck skin hanging out, inadvertently tempting Dan. Oh, and no scary naked legs either, because from the waist down he’s all Wall street….with the exception of the grass skirt. TJ’s still uncomfortable about Dan’s lifestyle and doesn’t care if it’s politically correct to accept it because he doesn’t respect it. Well at least he’s in a grass skirt. *sigh* Baby steps, people, baby steps.
Heather and Gabe head out to dinner after parasailing. Each of them independently tells us that all the old love vibes are flooding back, and Heather decides to crack down on Gabe immediately. Did he ever care about her? Did he? Did he? Tell her! Gabe scoffs. No way can she think otherwise, crazy lady. His heart was smashed into a pancake after his first break up with Denise back in high school, and wasn’t looking for a commitment (unlike other high school boys. Ha!) The break-up hurt like the bejeezus and he wanted to protect his little rock-man heart. Heather’s just happy to hear that there was nothing unacceptable about her. Gabe says, other than the goat horn, she was awesome. Okay, so he didn't say that. So what! Get off me. Anyhow, she feels better. Good deal.
Back at the reunion shack, Dan is being led to his surprise party. As soon as he arrives, all the women freak out and slam a bejeweled princess crown on his head. Dan giggles and suddenly we hear the strum of a guitar. Who is it? It’s….Lenny! Leading a conga line of the men in grass skirts. Incredibly shocking is the fact that TJ’s in the conga line too. Dan says that ten years ago, he would have never imagined a future where TJ the redneck and Johnny the jock would be wearing grass skirts in his honor. He’s shocked, but in love as everyone dances and class clown Chris makes a special effort to gyrate around Dan, pushing his man-boobs at Dan in an undulating fashion. *cue tribal beat* Gungka duh dunka gungka duh dunka…ai yi yi yi yi!
While everyone makes merry, a cop approaches the house and pounds on the door vehemently. They’re disturbing the peace, and he wants to know whose ass is to blame? A scared Dan admits the party is for him while the girls jump to his defense and say, “it’s not his fault!” The cop starts firing questions at Dan anyway, asking for his name and personal info. Dan is ticked at being singled out, and starts to get all up in the cop’s face. The cop’s reaction? He peels off his shirt and begins to undulate in front of Dan. That’s right, folks, this is your standard cop-turned-stripper. Dan grins like a Cheshire cat. TJ looks ready…to…die.
Cop scoops Dan in his shirt.
TJ turns white.
The cop shakes his giblets in Dan's face.
TJ winces and turns away.
The cop rubs his thighs on Dan's head, exposing us to some fuzzed out genitalia.
TJ takes a Pelican-like gulp of liquor in which no throat muscles are used to swallow.
One booty move later, TJ is out the door, looking ready to pop his own eyes out. Inside, the girls scream, and Chris rubs his own breasts in a circular fashion.
TJ tells us he’s physically ill by what he saw. And just to make himself more ill, he peeks inside to see Dan reach around and take a hold of the cop’s nipples. TJ shakes his head and said his biggest fear would be staying at a party where a half naked man might approach him, because then he’d have to punch the guy out, and it wouldn’t be pretty. Hmm...I guess different from all those pretty nosebleeds you see.
Back on Heather’s hall pass, we learn more about feelings. Heather knew that Gabe’s behavior back in the day had less to do with her and more to do with all the hubhub surrounding Denise and her alleged oven bun. She wonders what will happen now, as Gabe has never had the opportunity to couple-it-up with her. Gabe tells us the only reason he asked for Denise’s hand in marriage was due to the bambino. He said that he felt like it was the manly thing to do, and would have done the same thing had it been Heather or anyone else. Yikes! (What if all three of them were pregnant? Apparently...helllooo polygamy!) Heather tells Gabe about the call from Denise, and says her biggest fear back then was having to make that same call a week later.
Gabe extols some Rockism (Rock wisdom) and tells us that 17 and 18 years are idiots if they think they can decide on a spouse at that point. Really? That’s crazy talk! Heather nods in awe, but inside wonders where he stands with Denise, because she’s wondering what to do with all her love vibes. They weren’t expected, and she wants in. Gabe knows he was Heather’s first love, and because of it, he’s gonna treat it like raw chicken.... all nice and tender. He wants to be ready to give it back to her this time if he makes her sizzle again.
The night ends with Gabe and Heather on the beach, telling us that they had a great connection. Heather says she plans to take it further, while we see Denise on a balcony looking melancholy and saying she wonders what Heather is trying to bring out in Gabe.
You wanna piece of me?
It’s the morning after the undulating cop/stripper party, and TJ and Dan avoid each other in the kitchen. Dan had an awesome time, but TJ is ashamed with how the class of 93 portrayed themselves. Dan can tell TJ was repulsed, and said that after thinking about it, he wants to settle it “man style”. What does that mean? Dueling remotes? A fantasy football showdown? Nope. Pounding the crap out of each other in the boxing ring.
On the first reunion show, there was a boxing ring set up just to settle old scores. Dan knew that if they had one set up on this show, he’d want a piece ah that. He wants TJ’s ass, and not in the way TJ fears. Dan immediately hops into the ring and dons a red, squishy, face mask and boxing gloves. He heckles TJ who is at the food table, jamming his plate with goodies. “TJ!” He calls. And I’m wondering, is this all it takes for a boxing match to happen? You just stand in the middle of the ring and hollah at the peeps? Is there no official match up? Do they have a choice? Or do you just get to pound the crap out of anyone you want to? I'm imagining puting on the gloves and calling over Dawn Rawlins, my comet cleansing “friend”. The girl needs to taste leathah! Yes! TJ says he’ll kick Dan’s ass as soon as he’s done stuffing his face. Dan can’t wait and yells out, “you moved out of my room, but you can’t move out of the ring!” You go, boy! TJ takes his sweet time, as the other classmates bite their nails.
In the ring, it’s an equal match of unprofessionals as TJ and Dan swing their arms at each other in a very noodley and awkward way. But they still manage to bring on da noise and da funk, as first TJ goes down, then Dan, then TJ, then Dan, and on and on until they both look winded and Gabe hops into the ring to wrastle them varmits apart. Dan, looking like a pug dog in his mask, jokes, “so you want to beat me some more?” TJ chuckles and says it's okay that it's over. Dan says he’s finally over TJ’s snub, and TJ says he grew to respect Daniel’s beliefs and feelings, even though he’ll never agree with them. They embrace, all are merry. Is that it? Is that all it takes? You mean, if I want to solve years worth of conflict, all I have to do is smack someone silly for 3 minutes? Sweet deal. *runs off to grab phonebook* I gots some people to call.
Up next, Lou Lou the prom queen and Trevor, the self-proclaimed geek-turned playah, get hall passes. Louann wants to glide down the river ‘o love with Johnny and see where it goes, whereas Trevor wants to test his new warm fuzzies for Mandy (Amanda). Louann’s a teeny bit worried about her boyfriend at home and his reaction, but also knows that even if Johnny weren’t at the reunion, she’d be dreamin’ of him. Trevor came to the reunion to get action to make up for his quiet school days, but can’t seem to get sweet pea Mandy out of his noggin. *singing* Ohhhh…Mandyyyy…you got me for so long on something, and I something all day…ohhh Mandy…la la la do da dah…. Yeah. I don’t know the words. Ya got me.
In the yard, more focus on Heather/Denise/Gabe as Heather babbles to Lenny about how awesome her date was with Gabe. Wow. This is Lenny’s air time. This…is…it. 3 seconds of listening to Heather babble about the same stuff over...and over...and over again. She talks, and my mind wanders. Ae we ever going to spend time with the other classmates? Do you even know who they are? What about Jeralyn? Do you remember her? No! Of course not! Her only appearance in this episode was behind the stripper's ass. We saw her face appear......and then disappear.....as his loins were thrust into Dan’s face. There it is. There it isn't. Is. Isn't. Is. Isn't. You get it. What of more Lenny? I want some freakin’ Lenny! And why is it that the same people get hall passes over and over and over again? Chris actually made me giggle. When Trevor got his hall pass, he quips, "So you takin' Lenny?" Why can't I see more Chris? Instead we get more Gabe and his wooden comments. And although he looks like The Rock, it seems to describe more than appearance. His facial expression: the terminator. Unwavering, unflinching, unexpressive. I want to sneak up behind him and shatter a glass. I'd be unsurprised if he uttered: "I'll be baack." Why is he so desirable? Why? He must have some mad “cooking” *wink* skills. You read me? I think ya do.
Amanda’s heard the word that Trevor has a hallpass, and hopes he asks her. She’s chillin’ with Tre and Heather when Trevor comes up, slick as...…something slick, and leads her by the hand away from the “crowd” to see if she’ll go out with him. She agrees immediately and feels all giggly inside. She’s not used to anyone singling her out, either back in high school or now. But no worries, Mandy-poo, Trevor's totally hot for you and wants to get to know you on a more personal level. If "personal" means naked ass and hot oil. We'll see.
At the same time, Louann is bein’ all playful with John Bon in the kitchen and flaunts her hallpass in his face. Does he want to go? Hmmmmm??? She says she wants to give it to “someone”, hint, hint, but “someone” needs to work for it. Johnny agrees and everyone giggles as Louann states she’s not a cheap date.
Smooth, baby, smooth
It’s night time, which means it’s the right time “ fo luuuuv”<---cracks out the Barry White voice. Trevor picks up Amanda, and Lou Lou belle gets ready for some Johnny Joy. Amanda is amazed she feels such a connection with Trevor already, and Trev feels like there’s a chance there’s somethin’ more than ogling goin’ on there. Is Louann going to string Johnny along? Stacy thinks so. Will we get to see some lip action tonight? Ummm…maybe. Barry White didn’ t come out for nothin’.
Trevor and Mandy arrive at a hotel suite where there’s a massage table and rose petals leading all the way from the door to the bathtub. Trevor goes Bond on us and swipes a handy bottle of oil of the tub and semi-whispers, “I’d like the opportunity to massage you.” Yow! *fan, fan, fan*
It doesn't take much persuading, as suddenly Mandy's nekked on the table with Trevor's seemingly skilled hands rubbin' all over her. My mind wanders. Massage. Must...schedule...massage. Okay. Mandy tells us this is the best date she’s ever been on, so romantic, so passionate, and so filled with magical goodness that only Trevor, and possibly the Keebler elves, possess it. When they inevitably end up in the tub full of rose petals, and she tells him that in her normal life, this kind of thing doesn’t happen. No guy has ever singled her out, and that this just doesn’t happen in her real life. Trevor doesn't miss a beat, “This is real life. I’m a real person.” *cue romantic kiss* Wow. He’s smitten too, and says he never would have had the confidence to talk to someone like this ten years ago. Clearly, that's changed, as he stares deeply into her eyes and kisses her romantically while strokin' her shoulders.
On Lou Lou’s date, they arrive at a white and lush mansion. Johnny wastes no time and nabs her in the kitchen, telling her of his hot vibes for her all over again. She was always amazing, and has become more so with time. Shine on, you crazy diamond. Louann tells us she feels like there might be a bit ‘o magic between them, and loves her boyfriend at home, but is starting to go back and forth.
Back to Mandy and Trevor. In white robes. Sipping champagne. Chatting. And ready to sex it up in the hot tub. Awwww yeah. They're not long for their robes and soon, the robes be off. Lip locking, skin rubbing, and passionate kissing ensue.
Lou Lou and John end up eating dinner on yet another coffee table. Louann tells Johnny she might be an awful girlfriend, but that she needs to find stuff out. She feels badly that Brad, the beau, hasn’t been there to defend himself or the relationship. Johnny wants to know what the deal is with them, and Louann says it’s totally rockin’ but don’t come a knockin. Well not quite, as she says she wouldn’t be taking such a risk with Johnny if she didn’t have a feeling that it could all work out. Both are groovin’ on the love vibe, but manage not to touch. She says that when you feel so strongly for someone, it’s very difficult not to kiss, but wants to be more sure before she does something. The night ends with Louann sound asleep, and Johnny staring off at the moon.
Next week: J.Lou spend another night together, the sophomore girls go skinny dipping, and Lenny finally gets a hall pass.
I'm going to bed. Shazzer@fansofrealitytv.com