3/21 recap: "When Prom Queens Attack"
People seem to like pain. And I don’t mean that in the “hit me harder, baby!” kind of way. I mean…we’re only 2 days into the horrifying reliving of high school, and there are already tears, alienation, and catty fights. And fakeness. Fake as in, “I’ll pretend to like you but behind your back I’m burning you in effigy, you mo fo!” Why are people choosing to do this? It’s a choice! When I have a choice between pain and no pain, I always go with the “no pain” option.
Up first is all the scuttlebutt on the new arrivals, i.e. sophomores Staci, Heidi, and Amanda, two of whom dated Gabe at the same time potentially-weird ex-wife Denise did. Various houseguests reveal that they think the women are here for trouble with a capital T, while the new girls wander into the other classmates’ rooms to make fun of people’s pictures, especially, Denise’s. Heather tells us she wants to commence with heavy duty chortling at Denise, because Denise used to laugh at her, and now she’s divorced from her high school boyfriend….so there!
At the same time, Denise and Gabe are in a limo and Denise tries to get all coy and squishy with her ex. She’s all secretive and baby-doll like as she coos to him, “I’m not telling yoouuu where we’re going!” They arrive at an enormous beach mansion where Denise wants to pounce on Gabe. It’s gorgeous, with a lovely ocean view and a harpist and a flute player going through Pachelbel’s Cannon in D (which fyi is a common walk-down-the-aisle-type song. Hmmmm. Forshadowing? I don’t know. Or really care.) Denise hopes for some action, while Gabe insists he is not here to make up with Denise.
In this million dollar mansion, with a professional chef and all the accoutrements, dinner is spent the way I have been eating it all during my bachelorette-hood. On the coffee table. Well…a really nice coffee table, but still. But they have these crazy things called “utensils”. Fancy bastards. Hmph. Denise cracks out the baby-voice again while she feeds Gabey-poo and tells us they're getting together…fo shizzle. Gabe ain’t down with that, though, as he says he doesn’t want to put himself out there to be cha-cha-ed on again. Apparently, though, the couple did have chemistry during the marriage, because the Gabester tells us that to say he has zero feelings for his baby-poo would be a lie. As he continues to speak to the camera, my mind wanders until I look at him and only hear a high pitched eeeee sound. Instead of hearing him, I'm thinking, this dude looks like "The Rock”! Does anyone else see it? Or do I just want to see it? Gabe manages to break through my fog long enough to tell me..I mean..the audience…that he’s troubled by Denise asking him if the date is good, he just wants her to chill out. But since I’m a bit bored, I picture him hoisting her up over his head, “Rock-style”, and spinning her like a plate.
Back at the house, more yada yada about Denise and Gabe. Dan doesn’t think it’s great that Gabe dated three women at the same time and thinks someone should lay the smackdown. Heather C. thinks the sophomore chickies are trash and that she’d never do anything like that. Totally unclassy in her eyes. Tre says it’ll be a task keeping the claws from coming out.
Out in the yard, all hell breaks loose as Louann and Laura get all up in Heather F.’s grill. They pound her with question after question about her intentions for the reunion, while Amanda and Heather spill the juice on what Denise was really like. According to the stories…some kind of mini-Jekyll and Hyde, as Louann only knows Denise to be a cuddle muffin, and Heather remembers Denise threatening her life by telling her she had gang connections and that said gang could mess her up, big time, at her given command. Heather says that everything was completely fine between Gabe and herself until Denise up and faked a pregnancy. Oooo…doggie! It’s getting’ Jerry Springer-like in here! When do we find out they’re cousins? When? Instead Heather tells us she didn’t come there to mess up a Gabe/Denise love-fest, she only wants Denise to acknowledge that they were indeed in some kind of “love square”. Heather cries to the camera and says that the break-up has affected her life profoundly, while Amanda tells us that Denise is a total wacko.
According to yet another yard conversation, Daniel finds out from Amanda that Denise faked a miscarriage. Teen mom Jessica backs up her story by saying she heard the rumors too, and if it’s real, it’s dang sad, but if not, then it sounds like crazy-talk.
The night ends back at Gabe and Denise’s mansion, where he gives her a small friendly kiss, says he doesn’t want to think about tomorrow, and they spend the evening together. Do they do the nasty? I’m guessing no, but Denise wants us to think that it’s only a matter ‘o time.
Chitty Chatty Bang Bang
This show is another giant gab fest, as we start day 3 with about ten more conversations. Guess what the topic is? That’s right….Gabe and Denise and the new girls! No! Well, to credit this segment of the show, I’ll say that they did patronize us with some footage of other people, but then it went riiiiiiight on back to Genise.
First Johnny talks about how he’s starting to fall for Louann all over again and wants to tell her how he feels. Yep, same stuff. He thinks she’s hot and awesome, knows she has a boyfriend, wants to tell her of his love-feelin’s, yada yada. Next!
Over breakfast, Dan talks openly about his sexuality while joking around with the girls of the house. Apparently the first person he came out to was a woman he almost punched when she tried to kiss him. He had to explain to her what he found so distasteful about it. But he never had to come out to his parents, because they sort of outed him. Apparently the mama de Dan came to him one day and said she and la papa sort of suspected something. Dan didn’t deny it, and Dan does an impersonation of his mother running from the room with muffled cries. His high school experience was so different from anyone else’s, because he couldn’t bring anyone home and never got to go to anyone else’s house either. Laura softens a bit and says that in high school she never would have befriended Dan, but now that she’s older, she feels differently.
Soon all the classmates are at it again in the living room. As nothing else seems to happen but chit chat about Genise, why not give you more of the same? As they sit in the living room waiting for the return of the exes, Louann suddenly confronts Heather and tells her she doesn’t like her, nuh uh, no how, because she’s obviously here for revenge. Heather insists she’s here to have fun, but Louann ain’t havin’ it. Louann is disgusted, and tells her so. Heather starts spilling huge tears and tells Louann that it makes her absolutely miserable to talk about it. Louann doesn’t care, and says she needs to be a buffer for Denise. All this goes down while Gabe and Denise toast each other over a champagne breakfast on the getaway beach.
The peeps want to know if anybody else controversial is going to arrive. I’m aching for a shop teacher with missing fingers, because I need some kind of spice. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete if that shop teacher didn’t also date Gabe.
The whole TJ/Dan move out mess is brought up again, and we watch TJ stand a mere six yards from Daniel in the kitchen without acknowledging him. Dan returns the favor and keeps his back to TJ. I want Dan to yell absolutely anything to TJ, especially something like, "nice ass!" just because I want to mess with TJ's head. Instead, we get to see TJ full-up on stupid by saying that high school is about reliving good times (it is??), and he had no good times with Daniel. TJ = Punk-ass-loser.
More Genise…and .3 seconds on 15 other people
While Daniel and TJ avoid each other, Heather is back in her room crying her little blue eyes out with her side-car gal, Amanda. Louann's an attacking beyatch in her eyes, and she doesn't like feeling like the odd egg in the carton because of it. Amanda proves her loyalty by bursting into tears at the mere sight of Heather's salty ones.
I’ll be honest with you, I’m a little bit bored right now. The kind of bored you feel when you’ve just walked into a temp job and it’s so awful that you know that when you tell your supervisor you’re going to get coffee, what you really mean is...........in Guam. Anywhere far, far, away from her and her sort stick. Don’t know what a sort stick is? Thank your lucky damn stars.
Since this show doesn’t seem to have anything going on other than conversation about Denise and Gabe and constant waiting around for new people to show up or old people to return, we see the guests waiting around again for Denise and Gabe to return from their date. Just to prove that Lenny is indeed still on the show, we see him utter his only line in this episode, “it’s showtime.” Yep. It sure is. *sigh*
Denise looks out the window and is jazzed to see new blood until her eyes land on Heather and she mutters, “oh…my…GOSH.” But before she can do anything, Louann mobs her between the door and the car. Apparently when she said she wanted to be Denise’s buffer, she meant that literally. Denise doesn’t seem to need the Lou Lou buffer, though, as she says she isn’t phased by the new girls a bit. She’s on a different level than they are, and all she wants to do is laugh. Laugh away, you crazy woman you.
Louann whisks Denise away immediately, leaving Gabe all isolated and alone amid two of his exes. That's gotta be cozy. He quickly greets Heather and Amanda and then immediately excuses himself to go take a shower, because God knows breakfast must have been dirty. Heather tells us that seeing Gabe brought back all the old love vibes, and Gabe tells us he feels like a knob over the way things ended with her, and wishes he could take back the past and do it better. I'm still thinking, "yep...the Rock."
The “oasis” away from conflict for Louann and Denise is the bathroom, where Louann dishes on all the new girls. She says they were all nice at first until they started talkin’ smack about Denise and Gabe. Louann alerts Denise to Heather F’s accusation that Denise threatened her life ala gang attack. Denise rolls her eyes and says “whatever”, and something in the way she says it makes me wonder if she’s actually telling the truth. She doesn’t care if the girls start rumors, and is fine with letting the crap hit the fan today as soon as possible. Let's get it awwwonn.
Denise bops down to the kitchen to where Heather and Amanda are, and there's a tense moment where we watch them have this weird fakely-friendly greeting. Denise apparently doesn't want the crap to hit the fan, because instead of confronting Heather about why she’s there, they end up talking about the epitomy of conflict: protein shakes. While they smile and laugh and dish out wooden compliments, Heather tells us that she’d really just like to reach over and rip Denise’s head off. I start to picture it. Not. Pretty. Thank you for refraining, Heather. Heather tells Denise that they’ve come a long way in ten years, and Denise agrees. All lies.
Since Chris is actually on this show, but has no ex for us to talk about for 42 minutes, we get to see his screen time focused on his cat calls at a group of women in canoes passing by. (Did you forget who Chris was? Of course you did! *high fives the recap readers* Me too! He's the class clown with absolutely no role in the Genise drama, and hence he will likely continue to receive an average of 3 seconds of air time, that is unless he gets nekked. He might. You never know.) Chris tries to command their boat to his shore by shouting out rowing orders, but the women ignore him and keep on floating by. Nothing different from high school for Chris, apparently.
The last of the meat
We’re ready for a new house guest and the classmates wait around again in the yard, wondering who the very last arrival will be. It’s Trevor, “the pipsqueak” who tells us that in high school he was really, really, thin and that his confidence was zero, but now his friends call him a player. Which means to me that at one point he may have been too modest, but apparently decided to balance out that factor by becoming an a-hole. He’s hoping that people are shocked to see him and how he’s turned out. Apart from the new dyed blonde Hollywood/Cobain hair, he looks almost exactly the same to me. Oh. And he has a tan. Yeeeep. *chirp, chirp*
Reactions: Trevor steps out of the van to complete silence. Everyone stands there, mouth agape until Laura finally says she doesn’t know if she’s ever met him. No one else seems to recognize him either, except for Dan, who says he looks nothing like he did in high school. Yep, Dan, he’s blonde now. It's like a metamorphasis!! Like watching Friends and seeing Ross replaced by Danny DeVito mid-season! Not. Amanda is all giggly and seems to like him quite a bit and chooses to be the one to escort him on a quick house tour where he comments on his own high school picture and says he needs to make up for lost time. He wishes he could be the person he is now back in the day.
Yes! Finally! Something else is going to happen! It’s time for another hall pass! All I can say is, thank God for these hall passes, or there would be no other action to punch these recaps up with. I wish there were challenges. Why no balance beams? Why no human velcro wall? Anyhow, I want some action. On the show I mean. Or…whatever. This time the hall pass is Johnny’s, who’s going to use it to take Louann to a secluded beach and to tell her how hot he is for her.
On the new girl’s balcony, Heather commands that everyone chill out, and that Denise is a silent threat. Heather says game on, but if it’s going to be a game, it’s going to be her game. She can’t watch people walk back and forth under her bannister anymore and pretend like nothing ever happened. After all...there are those really big gaps between the posts...so you know...kinda hard to do. Her plan is to act completely friendly at first, and then dive in with, “by the way, what happened ten years ago?”
Johnny and Louann head out on their hallpass, excited to be escaping the drama from the house. In the van ride to their secluded beach, she asks Johnny what would have happened if she’d moved to Arkansas with him back in the day, and he tells her they’d be married with three kids. I'd be thinking wow...married at 18? Three kids right away? Pinch me, I'm dreamin'! When they get to the beach, they’re jazzed about seeing all the fluffy blankets, and spend the day enjoying snorkeling in the warm water looking at fish and sea turtles.
The rest of the classmates are playing on the beach as well, as they all frollick in the water and toss a Frisbee around. No one catches it in their mouths. Tre immediately gets Trevor up to speed on the sophomore girls and who they are, and it looks like he might actually be interested in Amanda, who admitted having the hots for him earlier. In the obligatory this-scene-doesn’t-include-talk-of-Gabe-or-Denise, we watch Chris stuff food up his nose and then eat it. I'm glad Chris is looking for love, because this kind of 3 second footage is bound to get him some num nums.
Who’s down with OPP?
“Yeah, you know me!” shouts Heather in answer. Okay, not really, but we’ll get back to that in a moment, my peeplets. I’ve just always wanted to find a way to fit Naughty By Nature songs into my recaps. And now I have. My mission: complete.
Over a candlelit dinner, Johnny is ready to spill the beans to Louann about how he feels about her. After a bit of chit chat about her boyfriend, Louann asks Johnny if he’s ever had his heart broken, and Johnny says that their break-up left him a hollow shell of a man. She asks him why he’s here. Well...duh...it's for you, you crazy little prom queen! In his eyes, she's evolved into a near deity, but knows she's in a relationship. He's not looking for an answer, but wants to lay the love vibe down just in case. Louann would never ever ditch her sweet candy at home, but respects Johnny a ton now...just not enough to kiss him or rub up on him.....yet. The show is young, my friends, the show...is...young. When they come back from their hall pass, she gives him a quick peck on the lips and tells us she’s struggling with memories of the old Johnny and Louann and wonders what the new Johnny and Louann would be like. I'm guessing kind of like they are now, but what do I know.
For some reason, they decide to show everyone sleeping. I hate that. Who needs pictures of themselves drooling? Is nothing sacred? A friend of mine once fell alseep with a jolly rancher in his mouth...as an adult. He woke up with his head glued to his pillow by an enormous, hard, green pool of liquid candy. Eww. Your welcome. Glad I could share. These pretty sleepers have none of that. Instead we see that the entire purpose of this pointlessly long scene is to illustrate that Gabe is still up, drink in hand, contemplating Heather and how he didn’t have a chance to talk to her one on one. Guess who’s up too? That’s right, Heather, who suddenly receives a knock on her door from Gabe. She’s surprised to see him and says she felt a million things at once, like mad and excited. Which I think is two. But who's counting. She says it was just like him being at her window in high school, and she just wanted to pull him inside and kiss him and say, “I missed you.”
After some brief chit chat about how good it is to see each other again and how she just wants to talk about it all and move on, Gabe leaves. He says it's hard to see her after knowing of his past knob-hood, and she says she wishes she'd asked him to stay so that she could gather more info. on his feelings for her then and now.
Next episode: Trevor and Amanda head out on a hall pass, Louann and Johnny spend the night together, and TJ and Daniel end up in a boxing ring.
Temporarily without my mojo....Shazzer@fansofrealityt v.com