*cue music* Welcome back…welcome back…welcome back. Welcome back to Wedgieville, my friends, population: you. Oh..and 17 suckers who apparently wanted to relive their high school days. *giggle* Okay..it’s not really that funny, as I’m sure all of us at one time or another have wished we could go back and have a “do over”. I myself would have chosen clear braces instead of the iron cage that was permanently affixed to my teeth for four years. And oh yeah…. note to self. The perm your friend tries to offer to give you in the 10th grade? Pass. Or say hello to your new, permanent orange afro…….and four months in a banana clip.
This season we're with the class of ’93 from Round Rock High School, back in Oahu to settle old scores, to rekindle romance, and to force people to like them. (Yeah…that’ll work. ) First up: a 20 minute long WB meet and greet with all the classmates. Let’s move ahead, shall we?
First to arrive: Golden girl, Louann, otherwise pinned with “the homecoming queen”. She apparently had a golden high school experience, i.e. dated the quarterback, yada yada. Why is she here? A chance to relive her glory days. She’s a bit nerve wracked to be the first one on the island, but is jazzed about seeing who shows up.
Second to arrive: Laura. “the witch” Oh wait. Her actual “title” is “the drama queen”, but I prefer to call her the former as she tells us that she only talked to the popular girls. If you weren't happenin', step off dudes, she sooo did not want to talk to your pathetic ass. In her own words, if you weren't cool, she'd go out of her way to be mean to you. Yeah. I knew a girl like this. Dawn Rawlins. Yeah, that’s her real name. Look her up. Send her 50 subscriptions to Swank and Jugs. Please. Anyhow, she thought it would be funny to put Comet cleanser down my back. She’s dead now. Okay, okay, not really. She’s alive. Somewhere. Dang. And that's not her real name. Double dang.
Reactions: Louann and Laura squeal together ecstatically and embrace.
3rd Arrival: TJ, “the redneck”. If you were different, he didn’t like you. He’s coming back to prove that he’s not as close-minded as he was in high school and he wants to show people he’s evolved, yet he’s still wearing the cowboy boots and big Texan belt buckle from days of yore.
Reactions: Louann and Laura cheer when they see him. Laura says that TJ was one of the “kickers”, i.e. what they called cowboys back in the day. TJ thinks they look smokin’.
4th arrival: Jeralyn, “the wallflower.” She says she felt like a square peg in a round hole. I don’t know why this happened to her, as she looks quite nice then and now….but whatever. She says she’s here because she hopes to finally put a happy ending on her high school experience. Good luck, Jer. That always works.
Reactions: TJ gets her name wrong right off the bat but Laura immediately corrects him. Apparently Laura knows Jeralyn quite well, as she has “fond” memories of putting mustard covered marshmallows down Jeralyn’s shirt. I told you “the witch” was the right title for Laura. But that doesn’t stop her from giving Jeralyn the biggest, fakest hug…..EVER while she tells us that after the mustard-mallow event, Jeralyn never liked her and she never liked Jeralyn. Noooo. Really? You don't think it was something else, Laura? Jeralyn is none too pleased to see Laura and makes a snarly face as she tells us that Laura made her feel as if she resided in the 7th circle. But she embraces Laura anyway, while Laura lies and says, "I don't even remember you."
5th arrival: Tre, whose opening line is “I was an a**hole.” He talks about his player status, and says that he has no idea how many people he’s had sex with. He’s here for the potential booty opportunities and says that if he ends up hooking up with a girl, that doesn’t mean they’re all, like, steady and stuff. Nuh uh. No way. He’s not there to find a girlfriend. I didn’t "know" someone like this in high school. At least…not in the biblical sense. Thankfully. But there were plenty-o-grabby little creatures that tried to “know” me that way. Bob R. for one. Walked behind me in the hallway, got a "funny" idea, and decided to lift my skirt up to display my behind to 5th period math. I chased him. He was small. I was tall. We had big lockers. You go ahead and guess what happened next. What does “I’m sorry!!” sound like through a metal locker? I’m not sure if that’s what he mumbled, as I left him to perish. But he’s still alive, what with those built in air holes and everything. Pity.
Reactions: Laura does a little jiggly dance and gets all giggly again, Louann hugs him, Laura thinks he's here to get laid, and TJ says Tre was a surprise since he didn't go to their school, but did hang out with their fellow classmates quite a bit.
6th arrival: Jessica, “the teenage mom”. She got pregnant at 15, was married a short while later, and was divorced quickly. She says that people probably expected her to become a statistic, but she wants to prove to everyone that she hasn’t fallen by the wayside.
Reactions: Louann remembers Jessica as a beautiful and popular girl who disappeared suddenly after becoming pregnant. All the girls comment to her on how great she looks, and everyone marvels that she has an eleven-year-old.
7th arrival: Lenny, "the geek". High school was a horrible experience. Apparently people not only ignored him in high school, but he was ignored at home too. Dang that sucks. I already want to give Lenny a big old squeeze. He says high school was a painful place where he felt ashamed of himself most of the time. He’s here at this reunion to gain acceptance from people, and to prove that he is indeed worth knowing. Aww…I can already sense problems for Lenny, but I want to know him.
Reactions: Laura screams out in delight, "Lenny!! Do you remember me?" Apparently, they knew each other in theater where they were “friends”, if friends means that you’re nice to someone in one place, and then completely blow them off in the halls. She said she never said hi to him in the halls because if people saw her talking to him, they might actually think she liked him. *gasp* The horrors! Wow. Cold. Lenny remembers it too, and says that her blow-offs hurt him. TJ thinks Lenny is weird, and Louann says she hopes people won’t cast him aside like they did in high school.
8th arrival: Chris, the “class clown”, walks in sporting a fake blonde mullet and an enormous smile. He says he likes to do whatever it takes to make people laugh, and hopes to do it at this reunion.
Reactions: Everyone laughs and questions his mullet status until Louann whips it off his head revealing a tidy, non-mullet ‘do.
9th arrival: Daniel, “the gay guy”. First off, I don’t know why he has to be labeled with “the gay guy”, as isn’t he just a guy? But whatever. He walks in wearing some mosquito-netting harem pants that just flow and flap in the breeze. They look comfy and his manhood seems to be getting a nice breeze. In high school he was never comfortable with his sexuality, and grew up hearing slurs all the time, hence he felt suppressed. He’s here come out as an openly gay man, to just be himself, and to hopefully garner acceptance from his classmates.
Reactions: The girls giggle and scream, while Jessica tells us that Daniel was sooo shunned by most of the people there. Lenny says that everyone is enjoying Daniel’s fish net outfit except for uptight TJ, who seems visibly uncomfortable. TJ thinks that Daniel’s presentation is horrendous, that it makes him feel ill to watch, and that “that’s not being a man”. (Apparently TJ gets to decide what being a man is for everybody.) TJ says what irritates him most is a homosexual who flaunts it, and as this is voiced over an image of Daniel in his billowing mosquito net pants, twirling a pink parasol, I smell trouble.
10th arrival: (yes, there are still more people! More! More!) Heather, the “ugly duckling”. But man, she doesn’t look ugly to me either now or then, so I have no idea what her complaint is. Apparently the man folk avoided her in high school, and she felt like the elephant man because of it. She’s at the reunion to make the guys smack themselves silly and wonder why they didn’t snuggle up to her.
Reactions: Chris and Tre both think she looks hot, while the girls toss out compliments and more girlie hugs.
11th arrival: high school sweetheart number one, Denise "the ex". She says that she and some guy named Gabe were high school sweethearts who got married young, had children young, and got divorced young. Her dream is to hook back up with Gabe.
Reactions: Louann freaks out and picks up Denise like a cabbage patch doll, telling us that they were extremely close in high school and still enjoy the friend-love today. Heather asks her what's going on with her and Gabe, "so you guys are married and all that good stuff?" Denise looks intensely uncomfortable and just says, "uh...no". Uh oh. I sense disaster.
12th arrival: Ahhh. Disaster arrives. It’s Gabe. The other half. Or, “the jock” as the show prefers. For some reason when I watched this I didn’t “get” that this was planned, and I thought, “no way are they bringing them both back to the same show.” Way. They did. How uncomfortable. Gabe says sports were the most important thing to him in high school and as far as he and Denise were concerned, he just doesn’t want any more drama in his life. He didn’t come on this trip for romance, he came her to cut loose and party with his friends.
Reactions: The men give him some sort of Neanderthal cheer, and bump elbows with him in a kind of ape-ish “Ooo…oo..oo” way. Louann said she could tell that Denise was excited and nervous, and Denise tells us she’s shaking. Gabe hugs absolutely everyone except Denise, including Lenny, who he tells, “I don’t remember you,” and Lenny responds with, “yeah, I don’t remember you either.” Louann hopes that Denise and Gabe can revisit how they felt about each other in high school. Everyone comments on how Gabe's lack of attention to Denise, but Gabe tells us that he didn’t come all the way here to make up with her. So there.
The rest of the day is spent hanging around, drinking, and wondering what the next two weeks will be like. Outcast Lenny says the worst case scenario is that the reunion turns out exactly like high school. Drama Queen Laura says she’s willing to fake kindness than be openly rude to people. The girl is just so open. Lots of people have romance on the mind, as Denise says she wants to hook up with Gabe, and Heather and Chris say they’re willing to hook up with anyone. We close with Louann saying she believes in fate, and says she must be here for a reason. *cue foreshadowing music*
You’re still a man….technically.
After drinks and merriment, everybody runs to find their rooms on the beautiful estate. Laura and Louann are the first to see that TJ and Dan are together. Uh oh. Daniel walks in and his stomach sinks when he see's TJ's picture on the wall next to his. He says they didn’t get along in high school, and that all the rednecks he knew were pigs. Funny, because the rednecks I knew were wholesome, Vonnegut quoting literati.
Not so much disappointment, though, for Louann, Denise, and Laura, who absolutely squeal and reach new decibals when they find out they’re rooming together, just like the clique that they used to be. Yeah. This will be different than high school. Laura is completely relieved. Probably because she doesn’t have to hang with the lesser people. Yeah, she’s changed a lot.
Lenny’s with Gabe and Tre, and is a bit worried to be with jocks, which seems well-founded when Tre barges into the room, looks at Lenny’s picture, and says, “oh God look how ugly he is!” He then tells us that Lenny's the kind of guy you don’t associate with, and besides, he doesn’t know him very well, so what's the point? Well...you see that round hole in your face, Tre? It’s called a mouth. You can use it to…you know…form words and crazy stuff like that. How about asking Lenny a few questions about himself? He doesn’t, though, and chooses instead to use the round hole for beer and tortilla chips and grunt-like noises. Class clown Chris is in a room by himself with two empty beds.
After everyone gets cozy and the girl giggling settles down, Louann sees a hall pass on her bed. What’s a hall pass? A hall pass is an invitation to take someone on a date, either by your own choosing, or because you’ve been chosen. This time, it’s because Louann has been chosen by an unknown suitor. She’s to meet someone for champagne and memories, and then bring this person back to the reunion estate. All the girls are giggly and excited and help get Louann ready for the big event.
Up next, a big hot slice o’ conflict when TJ enters his room and sees his own picture hanging dangerously close to Daniel’s picture by about four, scary, yards. Ooo. God knows what those pictures will do when they’re alone together TJ! Run! Hurry! TJ hears the call of his inner wussy, and heeds it, by immediately packing up his hetero bags and beer and carrying them across the yard to Chris’s room. He says he “knew for a fact” that when he came to the reunion that he’d be paired up with big old scary Dan, which makes him a psychic redneck along with a wussy redneck. He says that by merely sleeping four yards away from Daniel, it means he’s associating with him. Laura is shocked, but TJ says he doesn’t mind being called a homophobic. Good for you, TJ. Score one for ignorance.
Dan reacts by ripping TJ’s picture off the wall and hunting him down in the kitchen. He says he doesn’t keep his mouth shut anymore when it comes to intolerance. In the kitchen, he hands TJ his picture and says, “If you’re not going to be there I don’t want your picture to be there either. I don’t want you to see me naked.” Ha! TJ laughs uncomfortably and tells us that he doesn't understand all the drama. He then says of Dan and gay men everywhere, "you're still a man.....technically." What? Yes…..technically he has all the same parts that you do, TJ. For all we know…TJ is still a human….technically.
Multiple Past Blasts
Up next, Lenny wanders the grounds feeling like an outcast. He passes various groups of people and is subsequently ignored. He doesn’t understand it, as he can’t remember any past action that would cause his rejection. He said it would just be nice if people would just say hello and acknowledge him! Dang! I feel bad! I want to walk through the screen and acknowledge him right there! But as the little people in my TV aren't really there, my plan fails. No one else nibbles on the bait either, as we end the scene with Lenny rearranging socks in his suitcase.
Soon it’s time for Louann’s blind date with someone from her past. As she waits nervously on the 50 yard line of some random football field, we see the footage of who it is: Johnny Covington, class of ’92, quarterback, and Louann’s first love. Johnny is hoping to see if they still having a connection, and regretted breaking things off when they went to college. He says if they still have the same white hot chemistry they did in high school, it'll be rockin'.
Louann finally sees him walking across the grounds and looks totally giddy. When they hug, Johnny feels some zingy little sparks right away. Louann is jazzed to see him, and tells us that back in the day, she was ready to spend the rest of her life with him. Yeah, if she was lucky enough, she could have married at 18 and got pregnant right away. Too bad she passed on that dream.
Back at the house, Lenny eats alone at the dinner table, saying, “yeah…a reunion of one” while Denise ends up back in her room to find a big basket on her bed. She gets all giggly and nervous and grabs Laura, saying, “come with me,” because she just can't make the four feet to her bed alone. What’s in the basket? Another hall pass. A chance to pursue a second chance with her first love Gabe at a reunion on their 9th wedding anniversary, which apparently is conveniently located smack dab in the middle of this trip. Denise cries and talks about how she knew she wanted to marry Gabe right away, and never expected that they wouldn’t be together 10 years from their wedding date. She’s hoping to nab him all over again.
Rice Krispies, Rednecks, and Robots
Back on some random beach, Johnny and Louann share champagne on the beach while they reminisce about the good old days. Louann apparently remembers every single detail of their courtship. Like how she stayed up until 3 in the morning to bake him rice krispies and brownies and put them in little football tins, and how her mother wouldn’t let her date Johnny right away, so she threw tantrums. Yep. She definitely should have gotten married at 18.
Johnny just sits there good-naturedly and sucks up every piece of the remembered Johnny-joy. He feels more connected to her than any other woman in his life, and yet she still has a boyfriend. When Johnny hears this, he’s visibly bummed. He said he doesn’t want to pursue someone that’s taken, but that he isn’t going to let this time go by without telling Louann how he feels about her. Their date ends with their arrival back at the house and the remaining classmates reacting excitedly to who Louann brought with her. Everyone’s thrilled......but unsurprised to see Johnny. Laura sums it up by saying that she knew he was there for Louann. Laura understands that Lou lou has a boyfriend back home, but hey, Johnny’s a good-looking guy with a lot going for him, so apparently that means Laura should have a grab at that ass.
The night ends with Denise writing a fat letter to Gabe on pink girlie paper, inviting him out for the evening and acknowledging that a lot of bad mojo went down in the last 9 years. She promises him he won’t regret it. How could he refuse? I know that when my heart has been cha-cha-ed on, all it takes is some nice stationary.
The next morning, while Laura and Johnny talk about what a great couple he and Lou lou would make, some bad ass stink hits the fan in the kitchen. Dan decides to confront TJ, and asks him wtf, dude? Why’d you lamely check out of our buddy bunk? Jessica is shocked, and TJ says he’s sorry, but that he was just a candy-ass. Well he didn’t say he was a candy-ass, but there ya go. TJ asks Dan if he ever looked in the mirror before arriving on day one in his billowy pants. My face ends up doing exactly what Lenny's does, a kind of "ouch...he so did not say that...". Dan’s offended, and TJ said yo, man, if it happened again tomorrow, he’d move out again tomorrow, and that it’s nothing against Daniel personally. Yeah… apparently it’s personal against Dan’s pants.
After breakfast, Denise hunts down Gabe and gives him the fat pink letter. Gabe accepts the letter robotically and tells us that he doesn’t want to relive the pain of the marriage, while Denise tells us she’s anxious and nervous and hopes they reconnect to see what their future holds. Gabe explains his Mr. Roboto behavior by telling us that they got married too young, and he had a lot of growing up to do, and that he just doesn’t want to relive the bad again.
Louann helps Denise get ready by securing her in a little strapless red dress, while Laura hopes that sparks fly for Denise/Gabe. Gabe, oh the other hand, is tossing back marguerita after marquerita. Actually, I don’t remember seeing a shot of him on this show without a drink in his hand. Huh…yeah…..a reunion seems likely. If a reunion does happen on this show, it will be in no small part thanks to salty lime drinks. When Denise picks him up in her red dress, Gabe thinks she looks good, and they head off together in an SUV to an undisclosed locale.
Let’s get ready to ruuumble!!!
Back at the resort, the rest of the classmates hear that even more classmates will be showing up, so they rush outside to see who it’ll be.
First arrival: Heather F., “the sophomore vixen”. When she was sixteen, apparently she also dated Gabe, who she considered the love of her life, and I’m thinking, “uh oh”. It turns out she was dating Gabe at the same time Denise was....until one day, Denise called her up and told her she was pregnant. Heather knew it was a lie, but watched them get married anyway and squeeze out a bambino a year and a half later. Heather appears to be a very bitter little raisin, as she then claims that Denise is certifiably crazy. She’s at the reunion to see if Gabe ever really cared about her. But as he’s not there for her arrival, we’ll have to wait and see what the tequila says.
Reactions: Louann’s face falls and everyone else looks shocked.
2nd arrival: Amanda, “the sophomore tease”. In high school, she and Heather F. were like sisters and says that Denise made Heather’s life a living hell. At some point, she claims that Denise fabricated a lie about being pregnant so that she could marry Gabe and ‘win”. According to her, it was allll a game to Denise, and all of this has affected Heather’s life ever since. She’s psyched for the reunion because she wants a chance to steal the senior girl’s men all over again.
Reactions: Everyone hugs, and Jessica recalls the drama.
3rd arrival: Staci Kidder, “the sophomore flirt”. Apparently she dated Gabe too. What? Did Gabe date everyone??? At this point, I wouldn’t be half surprised if Daniel laid a claim. Staci apparently loved up Gabe at the same time that Heather and Denise did. Gabe was her first love and broke her heart. She’s back with her partner’s in crime to make sure that Gabe and Denise hate every minute of it.
Reactions: All the guys look totally stoked that she’s here. Amanda comments that Louann seems the most fake by pretending to be happy and we see them in the shoulders-touching-bodies-far-apart embrace. Laura says that these girls are the ones that caused problems between Gabe and Denise.
Last up, the new chicks check out their new room, giggle, scream, and hang off their balcony while the rest of the women join them to discuss what’s up. Louann let’s them know right away that Denise and Gabe are out celebrating their 9th anniversary, and Heather says, “aren’t they divorced?” Louann fibs and says, ‘they’re working on it.” Heather says, “you know why we’re all here, don’t you? We have one common denominator!” And that common denominator is Gabe. Louann is none too pleased and tells us the new girls are just there to cause trouble, trouble that they don’t need. I’m thinking that Gabe and Denise are far from any kind of fuzzy reunion, and if all it takes is these three to mess it up, then we need more tequila.
Next week, boxing matches, hot tubs, make-out fests, and drinking. Totally different from high school.
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