Welcome back to the Dollhouse, where men are women and women are…well… pointing fingers and laughing at the men dressed as women. HA ha! We’re down to half a dozen contestants – a six-pack, if you will – who will compete for the title of best lady and $250,000 to be used on the therapy that will doubtlessly be necessary when these shenanigans are over. Let’s see what the “gals” are up to, shall we?
Ain’t No Sunshine When He’s Gone
It is the morning after Ryan’s elimination, and the mood in the house is a little more somber than before. It appears that stabbing your fellow gal-pal in the back is a little bit harder than anticipated. Especially when you are wearing press-on nails. Ouch. The guys express views that anyone who has ever watched a reality show has heard before: “Elimination was tough.”, “Last night was a real awakening.” – and so on.
Dan tells the diary cam that he, Donnell, and David had a three-way – WHAT? What kind of crazy show is this? Oh! -a three-way alliance, I see. Whew! He explains that he tried to form an alliance with Albert, but that Albert wanted to vote on his own to eliminate those that he considers a threat to him in the game. Well fine then, pretty boy, go fight your own battles. Phhht!
Apparently Dan is putting off the schemer scent and some of the other guys don’t feel very trusting of him. David, part of the three-way voting block says he has suspicions about Dan, and refers to him as “Slick Willie”. Dan senses that the way the other guys perceive him will be very important to his gameplay and says he needs to manipulate what the others think of him. Even I am starting to get a little bit of a Rob Cesterino/Brian Heidek vibe off of this guy. Is he going to turn out to be the puppetmaster in the house? Only time will tell…
Ahhh, smell that honeysuckle…
The camera zooms in to show us the “chore board” for the house. It is basically a grid covered with little cutesy magnets of that illustrate house chores that need to be done, which are placed next to the names of the various inhabitants. Apparently the fellows think this is some kind of girlie-artwork-thingie, because no one has been doing their chores. Dave mentions that you look around and see pretty pastels and beautiful dresses and shoes, but you can smell that men are living here. Yep, the nose knows.
Cree rallies the troops and gets them cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean emptying the contents of two cans of Lysol into the closet. Oh yeah, you could practically eat off that closet door. Squea-ky clean.
There is a knock on the door and who should be standing there, bathed in the other-worldly glow that surrounds all lingerie models, but Frederique Something-or-other. Dave comments, “Frede-who?” Apparently models of her infamy need no last name as all of the other guys spring to attention. They know exactly who she is from years of snatching the Victoria’s Secret catalog out of the mailbox and pretending the old lady next door must have stolen it – that old hussy. Michael takes this opportunity to remind us of his heterosexuality by proclaiming his undying love for supermodels. That’s good, because I was starting to need reminding.
One of the guys manages the ultimate cool move of suggesting that a dinner of one raisin would probably be perfect for her. I’m sure she loved that – not. The boys flock around her and follow her around to show off their pumps, their clothes, their fake breasts. They watch as she plays with the fake boobie and make mental notes of this moment so that they can replay it in their minds forever.
Frederique explains that she is there to participate in their next challenge – Supermodel Boot Camp. The guys look stunned as they try to fathom what such a boot camp would consist of. Albert wonders - crawling through makeup, perhaps? Donnell speculates that working the runway or wearing lingerie is in their future, and he hopes for the runway.
I’m Ready For My Close-Up
The guys get into their girl-garb and pile into the limo, headed to meet Frederique for their task. They arrive at the photo studio and she greets them with laughter. Can you really blame her? She consoles them with mock flattery, “You look faaaabulous, ladies”. She explains that they will each have 30 minutes to become as like a supermodel as they can be. The lucky lady with the best photo will win reward and immunity. Frederique directs the fellows to their hair and makeup people and shows them the costumes that have been chosen for them.
Dave (Wynona) is transformed into an angel, with a long white dress, big white wings, long golden curls, and a garland for his hair.
Donnell (Raven) has been instructed to transform into a “futuristic woman”. He is dressed in a skimpy silver spandex dress and looks quite good, actually – until he decides to booty-dance for the camera. He says he feels more like an “intergalactic hooker”. Work it, baby.
Next up is Cree (Carmen). Frederique has decided that he will be a “Vegas-fifties-housewife-thing”. If that isn’t specific, I don’t know what is. Cree’s transformation includes a very large bust, cotton-candy pink curly wig, and matronly pink dress with flowered apron. His outfit isn’t nearly as risqué as Donnell’s, but he vows to be the sexiest one in the group.
Dan (Giselle) will get the sexy movie star outfit – Marilyn Monroe in the classic white dress made famous by “The Seven-Year Itch”. Not that you cared about that, but I do what I can to make this educational for you, my adoring fans.
Next, Frederique fawns over Albert (Alberta), saying that he has Cleopatra inside him. “Oh, stop!” he says, obviously eating up every minute of this. He feels very confident about his abilities to channel the queen of the Nile, and thinks he’ll have a great photo shoot. He comes out in his getup of flowing white dress with all the gold accents and jewelry and flutters his long fake lashes. Why do I get the idea he’ll be asking to take this costume home?
Last, but certainly not least, is Michael (Scarlett), who will become a mermaid. He is carried out in all his mermaid glory and placed in a bathtub, where he flaps his fins and makes dolphin noises. I have to admit he looks pretty hot, but there is something fishy about all this. Ba-dum-bum! *cymbal crash*
Michael stresses, several times, how much he is enjoying being his mermaid-y self, in spite of the sweating-off of his unmentionables. He explains that there are two twins in every photo shoot. Being a typical man, he assures us that he has the normal twin fantasies, but being a mermaid is not part of it. Usually.
Next we see Dan as Marilyn, loping around clumsily in some very tall white pumps. Dan, don’t feel too bad – I couldn’t walk in those either, and I have two x chromosomes. Frederique tries to show him how to work it for the camera, but his manly, muscled physique is not very convincing, in my opinion.
Dave is being fitted with his prop wings, which he is surprised to find are very heavy. Hey, this modeling stuff is hard work! I guess they don't call them supermodels for nothing. There are two “barbie-twins” participating in his shoot, wearing pink lingerie and blowing bubbles at him. Dave starts to get into it, and actually comes off somewhat angelic in a very earth-mother sort of way.
Cree, the Vegas-fifties-housewife-thingie, is up next and he enjoys himself in front of the camera, making the most of his twins – the models, that is - playing off of their energy and flipping his head about flamboyantly.
Enter Alberta, queen of the Nile. Albert explains that he thinks he is the prettiest one of the group. He gets the most attention, as well as being picked-on the most. He radiates confidence and attitude during his shoot, causing Frederique to comment “some men just have it – they could be women.”
Donnell is last up, and he saunters over to a large silver egg-like capsule to join the twin models, who are also dressed in traditional silver space-garb. He strikes a few poses and demonstrates the classic “shoulder-stroke” as taught to them last week by the illustrious Feminine Expert, Danae Doyle. He looks intensely into the camera and gives off a Grace Jones-like fierceness.
Tony explains that Frederique will pick the winning photo and that the chosen gentleman will be granted immunity from this week’s elimination, as well as being rewarded with the coveted “Dude”-pass. He hands the men their photographs, and it appears that several of them are quite taken with themselves. Albert and Donnell are very confident, and even Dave feels he has a chance. The men are instructed to pick one of their photos to be judged, and Michael dolphin-chirps with glee.
And the winner is…
Frederique lines the men up next to their chosen photos, which have been enlarged and framed and displayed proudly on easels. She gives them the following critiques, while insisting that this is so tough, since they are all soooo fabulous:
Dan – you are so “in the moment” as Marilyn.
Michael –seamen are dying over you.
Cree- it’s fantastic. Look at you, the housewife.
Donnell – RuPaul, move over! You look fantastic.
Albert – Even the girls didn’t know what to do, they were so taken with you.
David – Look at that, touched by an angel.
The men exhale nervously, wiping their sweaty palms on their sweatsuits as they try to will Frederique to pick their picture. I’m suddenly reminded of the Bachelorettes waiting anxiously for their roses. When Cree is announced as the winner, his jaw drops, and Donnell channels his inner-diva, radiating disbelief and disappointment at his loss. He admits he is a sore loser, but compliments Cree, nonetheless.
On the ride home, Michael carries on about his picture and we hear a voice-over from him as he proclaims this the most fun of his life. Dressing as a girl. Who would have thought? Michael, I guess you never had a big sister, or you would have already dressed as a girl a long time ago. *slips check in the mail for little brother’s therapy sessions*
As Dan and Donnell worry about elimination, Cree hangs out with Michael in the dressing room and invites him along on his dude-pass. Michael says he is excited about getting to be a man again. Yeah, right.
The next morning, the boys sit around the table, waiting to see who will be crowned co-dude for the day. Cree surprises everyone by explaining that he had chosen Michael, but then changed his mind. He teases Donnell, letting him think he is being chosen and finally admitting he had talked it over with Michael, agreeing to take Dave on his most excellent adventure. The guys wonder, as do I, if there was some strategic intent behind his last minute choice.
Cree and Dave ride off in their Hummer and find out that they will be doing some type of paragliding. Cree has a great time, but Dave encounters a little difficulty, as they have to wait for the wind to pick up so as to carry his 250-lb. frame.
Meanwhile, back at the Dollhouse, the non-dudes are visited by some “butt-kicking girls from Yoga-Booty ballet”. Their description, not mine. The initial glee at seeing women quickly fades as the men realize they will be learning some sexy, goddess-style dancing. They begin doing some yoga. Embarrassed looks are exchanged and eyes roll as the men are instructed to feel their feminine energy rising up. Methinks this is a bit much, even for this show. I hide my face in my hands as the yoga chicks egg the guys on, chanting “Hallelujah!” and shaking their behinds. What kind of freaky-deaky yoga class is this? Whatever happened to good old “downward-facing dog” pose? The guys confess their true feelings – “Yoga sucks”. “Get me out of this house”. “I need some dude-stuff, I wanna see something blow up, or some Playstation or hoagies”.
Cree and Dave return to the house with tales of their adventure. Michael realizes he has earned some sympathy for having the dude-pass snatched out from under him, and hopes this will earn him some favor when it is time to vote. However, in their confessions to the diary cam, most of the guys admit that Mike has to go, because he is too pretty. Dave seems very remorseful to vote off Michael, but wants to stay true to his 3D alliance.
Dan works his manipulative ways on the guys, but this doesn’t go unnoticed. Michael says that Dan is quiet and sneaky, and obviously has something going on, so he votes to eliminate him.
Sports Illustrated models, beware…
It is time to go in front of the judges, and this evening’s attire is ladies swimwear. I cringe, then thank my lucky stars that the men are allowed to wear sarongs as cover-ups. Whew! The guys strut their stuff for the judges and Dan admits that he knows he looks good. And hey – he’s modest, too! When Alberta comes out, jaws drop. This guy has the walk and the mannerisms down pat. He is obviously in touch with his inner goddess. Om.
John Salley mentally calculates how much money he will lose if he breaks his contract with this show. It is obvious that the act of gazing at scantily clad men and describing them as beautiful troubles him. Deeply.
Tony reads the result of the voting. He reminds us that Cree is safe, having won immunity, and reveals that the two men nominated for eviction are Dan and Michael. They are asked how they would spend the $250,000. Dave jokes that he will promote world peace, then says that he and his wife are buying a house and then they will travel. Michael says he will pay off his bills and then buy a ring for his lady.
And the loser is…
The judges have voted, and they have decided to eliminate Dan (Giselle). Debbie tells Dan he looks better as a man, and then tells the camera she just loooves Michael. Morgan explains that she felt the guys were ganging up on Michael, and John confesses that he wanted to keep Dan, the manly man, but was outvoted – once again showing his total lack of understanding as to what this game is about. He assures us that none of these fellas are pretty. None. Nada. Comprendez? This guy is 100% hetero, and don’t you forget it.
Next week: the gals go to a wedding, and the claws come out. Rowr!
Looking for my inner goddess…onetvslave@fansofreali tytv.com