Welcome back to the dollhouse, ladies, and gents! Glad to see you made it back for episode 2 of this wacky experiment in what a man will do for moulah. I’m oneTVslave and I’ll be your host – er, hostess – as these lucky lads get to experience some of the wondrous joys of being a woman. Or not.
After last week’s eliminations, the remaining ladies-in-training are:
David-37, from Glendale, WI
Cree- 34, from Las Vegas NV
Michael – 26, from Birmingham, AL
Albert – 21, from Birmingham, AL
Donnell – 31, from Mableton, GA
Ryan – 27, from Woodland Hills, CA
Dan – 29, from Denver, CO
It is day two in the Pepto-palace and the guys are beginning to realize what they have gotten themselves into. Donnell states what a lot of the guys are probably thinking, that yesterday he just felt stupid, but today he is realizing that this is a game, and he will do what it takes to win. With that, he rummages through a drawer full of sticks of deodorant, all of them, apparently – Powder Fresh. This doesn’t please him, for some reason. I guess he was hoping to find the “Definitely Not a Guy” or the “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar” scent, which is always sold out, dangit.
The fellows gather round the table and get a visit from the host, Tony. He reminds them that the dollhouse is their home base. They are free to do as they please within the house, but must live life as a woman the moment they step outside the house. He tells them that today they will be learning how to walk and talk like a woman, and that they had better pay attention, because there will be a test. Will it be multiple choice? Essay? Open book? We need details! Details, people! *pulls out a pad to take notes*
Shake it baby, you won’t break it
The first visitor of the day is Danae Doyle, Femininity Expert. Femininity Expert, huh? My mind wanders as I speculate what other gigs she gets besides reality shows where men are trying to act like women. Who knew that was a job? The expert directs the boys to sit with their legs together and to the side, and to flutter their hands about, absent-mindedly stroking their own shoulders and neck, as all women have a tendency to do, I guess. At this point I am wondering if Ms.Doyle didn’t just forge that diploma in Feminine Expertise; certainly she didn’t pass the rigorous exit exams that must be required for such a strict discipline.
The guys change into their high heels and several of them comment on the discomfort and difficulty of walking in heels. They proceed to shimmy and shake their way down the zebra-print carpet. They are squirming and wiggling their hips and I am praying that we women don’t look anything like what these fellows are doing. Yikes! Whoever said that imitation is the highest form of flattery obviously never imagined a situation like this.
The next visitor is David Coury, vocal coach. He has the men sing scales, pushing them to hit high notes usually reserved for testicular injuries. They sing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” in falsetto, then sing their new chosen girlie names to the music. The coach has his work cut out for him because the men sound very much like cartoon characters on painkillers and not much like actual ladies.
Make me up before you go-go
The next segment is both unsettling and hilarious, as the men are visited by some makeup artists who teach them how to get artificially beautified. The men can’t understand how women go through so much trouble as they apply layer after layer of makeup, poking themselves in the eye and trying to keep their products straight. Cree states that no matter how good your makeup looks or how skankalicious your shoes are, it is when you put on the wig that you officially become a woman. And here I thought it had something to do with ovulating. Silly me!
It appears that the chemicals in the cosmetics are quickly absorbed into their bloodstreams, as they soon begin acting like real women. They compare themselves to the others, trying to decide if anyone else is prettier than they are, breaking each other down into a list of physical characteristics. Dan states that Albert is better-looking as a woman than as a man, but the general consensus seems to be that Michael (Scarlett) is the prettiest. If these were real women, they would also add that since he is the prettiest, he must be a major bee-otch.
As Donnell (Raven) paces the floor and tries to decide on an accent for his “character”, Dan (Giselle) and David (Wynona) sit and discuss makeup in the most serious tone that I have ever heard used in a conversation about concealer. They want to be sure they’ve got the order of application right, obviously thinking about their upcoming pop quiz. Ryan (Sunshine) decides to take the edge off by making some mixed drinks. No Jack and Coke here, no way – the lads are making frozen drinks –pink frozen drinks, of course, to go with their pretty pink house.
There is someone at the door, and Cree (Carmen) exclaims, “Dude! Someone will do our nails now!” with absolutely genuine excitement. Sorry, Cree – no manicure today, the person at the door is Elizabeth, your personal shopper for the day. The guys are thrilled to hear they will be leaving the house, and rush around getting dolled up, primping and stuffing their bras like seventh-grade girls at a sleep-over. Ryan is ready early, and pounds back a few more daiquiris, giggling and grinning as he sips his drink through a straw. He is really starting to look like a girl, it must be the pink drink. The “gals” leave the house dressed in brightly colored sweatsuits and pile into the limo for their shopping spree.
Cleanup on aisle nine
The guys hit Melrose Ave and get some stares as they strut their stuff, swinging their hips, flipping their hair, and flinging their wrists around as instructed. Soon they are trying on clothes and jewelry, and starting to appreciate why it can take a woman all day to shop. Too many choices and decisions! They do note that the salespeople are more aggressive with women than men, fussing and fawning over them to make a sale. Donnell complains that they don’t make good heels in size 13 and Ryan is starting to show his buzz, really getting into his character and carrying on. Soon the alcohol really gets the better of him as he strips down in the middle of a store to try on a dress. He sashays about the store and ends up laying on the floor with his legs in the air. The other guys are a bit irked with his behavior, feeling that it reflects badly on all of them.
The men return to the house, worn out from their shopping extravaganza. They find a note telling them that they will have their true test tomorrow, when they must go out on the town and be convincing as ladies.
Yes, it's ladies night - oh what a night
Now if you’ll remember, the host told the guys that they could be themselves in the house, so the next day finds us with the men playing football in their feminine regalia. Whoa, playing football in a skirt is a little obscene. In asides to the camera, they contemplate their individual abilities to deceive the public. Michael is sure that people will believe he is a lady, since he has the looks, sistah! David wonders how late in the evening they will be out, because he is sure his chances will be better the darker it is and the closer it is to closing time. Wink.
The men ride to town in the limo, complimenting each other on their makeup. Okay, this is starting to scare me. They jokingly accuse Albert(a) of being a sexy mole, because he is so pretty. He giggles, and reminds me of Phoebe Cates – he could easily pass for her manlier, chubbier sister. David (Wynona) pouts that his great boobs are the only thing he’s got going for him, and his gal pal Alberta consoles him that he also has great hair and a fantastic personality. This just goes to prove what we women have know for a long time – that there is a direct correlation between pantyhose and insecurity. The gents toast to a night on the town with the girls and we have arrived at Universal City Walk.
A crowd has gathered around to see which celebrities will be piling out of the limo. Sorry folks, nothing to see here, just a bunch of freaky-looking women and a Phoebe Cates impersonator. Their host, Tony, greets them and explains their challenge for the next two hours. The guys are to strut their stuff and Tony will poll the crowd as to who is the real lady in the bunch. The winner will receive a prize and immunity from the next elimination.
Tony begins talking to people in the crowd and most of them reply that they all look like men. When Tony insists that there is one female among the group, a few people reluctantly make guesses of Alberta, Scarlett, and Raven. Ryan (Sunshine) also begins to get some attention – I think the hangover-induced swagger is working to his advantage. When asked why she is voting for Ryan, one woman explains it is because (s)he is acting coquette-ish and also looks like she has had a few children. D’oh! Those are words every woman likes to hear, right girls? Ryan rolls his eyes in true ladylike fashion.
It is Ladies Night at the bowling alley and the “gals” are relieved to see those bowling shoes, I’m sure. They begin to bowl, trying to recall memories of their wives/girlfriends/mothers and what they would like while bowling. David and some of the others throw their arms around in mock disappointment after bowling a gutter ball, while Dan’s strategy is to be the athletic girl and be more believable because he is not messing up on purpose. The crowd inspects the ladies, pointing out stubble and other dead giveaways. Cree and David retreat to the ladies room to touch up their makeup and David laments that he knows he has not received one vote. He is obviously troubled about his lack of sexiness and feels like the ugly duckling, the ugly girl with the great personality that no one notices. He says this experience has been a real eye-opener for him and Cree gives him a pep-talk to cheer him up.
And the winner is…
The results are in, folks. Tony tells the guys that the good news/bad news is that the majority of people thought that Albert was the real lady. He has won immunity from the next elimination and a “dude” pass. Dude! Sweet! Tomorrow he will get to leave the house for an adventure in his normal, dudely attire. The rest of the men will have to vote for whom they want to eliminate, and all of the men will go before the judges.
The next morning, the guys are hoping to be chosen to go with Albert, who is allowed to bring one guest to share his prize. Donnell explains that with all of this shaving and plucking, he is jonesing for some dude-stuff. Albert selects Dan to accompany him on his manly outing. Dan high-fives the other guys, who congratulate him while secretly wanting to claw his eyes out. A huge manly Hummer comes to pick them up and whisks them away to Air Combat USA, where they don manly flight suits and go for some fighter-pilot style action.
The other men receive a visit from Drs. Laura and Jennifer Berman, female health experts. They are going to give the guys a crash course in female sexuality. The set up some visual aids and ask the men to identify some crucial female body parts on the diagram. Looks of horror are exchanged among the men. They are taught about 3 types of orgasms for women. I bet Albert and Dan are sorry they missed this! They should be, anyway - grumble, grumble. After this new enlightenment they entertain themselves in a boy-like manner by putting a tampon in water, and a round of “no way!” goes around as they watch it expand to mythic proportions.
Dan and Albert return with pizza and tales of their manly outing, making all the other guys jealous. Albert goes on and on about how great the day was. Dan tries to play it cool and questions Albert’s tell-all way of playing.
And the loser is…
It’s judgment day and the fellows are worrying about their nominations and the elimination process. The men parade in front of the judges, being judged on improvements in posture, voice, and overall appearance. The guys get the following comments from the judges:
Alberta – gorgeous
Scarlett - dainty
Carmen – nice smile, when did you become a 44 DD?
Raven- beautiful clavicle
Sunshine – demure, you have a beautiful back. (John Salley looks at Debbie like she is on crack with these comments. Back, clavicle, what is she - an anatomy professor?)
Wynona - they laugh. John says he liked him better as Shrek. Aww, poor duckling.
Giselle – you're sultry, work it baby!
The results of the voting are in. Who will leave the dollhouse? Tony goes one by one and breaks the news to the guys…
Sunshine- up for elimination
Winona – safe
Scarlett – up for elimination
The judges will now have to choose between Sunshine and Scarlett. They ask them why they think they are up for elimination.
Ryan (Sunshine) says he made a big mistake getting very tipsy. He takes the opportunity to apologize to his parents and girlfriend. Judge John, who seems to be very uncomfortable with this process, commends Ryan for getting drunk, saying it was very manly of him. If he had seen the frou-frou drink that Ryan was drinking, he might not be so impressed, methinks. I’m sure he is picturing Ryan pounding Pabst Blue Ribbon and smashing the cans with his manly forehead.
Scarlett thinks he was chosen because he is so pretty and the other guys might be a little jealous. Girlfriend, you are gonna go down with that attitude, mark my words. He does admit that maybe he is there because of his vanity. John thinks Michael has done this before, he seems too comfortable in a dress. I have to admit that Michael looks damn good as a woman. His cheekbones are to die for, honey!
The judges make their decision...Michael/Scarlett is safe. Ryan/Sunshine removes his wig and says his goodbyes. John congratulates him, as he obviously thinks it is much better to be a loser than a winner in a competition like this one. Ryan gets a cigar, hangs up his wig for the last time (maybe, who knows?) and heads back out into a man’s world.
Beauty tips? Send them to me at oneTVslave@fansofrealitytv.com.