You know when you’ve watched too much television?
When you see the headline “Sharon Says Nothing Will Stop Gaza Plan”, and you instantly wonder what Ozzy thinks.
“He’s A Lady” has the makings of being one show too many for me, but TBS watchers, the very good news is, if they re-air the premier this week, the combined showings will have bumped another rerun of Miss Congeniality from the schedule.
That alone makes it worthy of my support.
I’m into the third year of an intensive, so far one-woman mission to ban Sandra Bullock from our screens.
I have nothing against Sandra personally, she seems sweet and is certainly easy enough on the eye, but her movies are criminal.
Come join me.
I have balloons and everything.
Eleven beefy, semi-beefy and a couple of positively girly men, arrive in LA to take part in a show called “All American Male” which probably involves crotch-scratching, remote hogging and listening to Toby Keith. Oh calm down, I kid.
But, and this’ll make you laugh, they’re actually going to dress them up as women and, I dunno, probably make them do stuff.
The plot gets a little thin at this point.
But burly guys in dresses is a result, right? Am I right?
Dan – 29 Finance Officer.
Dan is accompanied by wife Allison and proceeds to tell us to put our money on him if the challenges are physical.
He flexes while pictures of him playing baseball, surfing and flexing while playing baseball, play in the background.
Lady potential – 6/10
Ryan – 27 Pro Wrestler.
Ryan arrives with wife Elizabeth, sure that his experience as a pro-wrestler can only help him to become “All American Male” (snicker).
As female wrestlers rarely look particularly female, he might have his work cut out for him, his severe lack of neck could also prove his downfall.
Lady potential – 3/10
Donnell – 31 Fitness Trainer.
is going to be loud and obnoxiousloves to entertain.
Wife Nehlia becomes the first partner to speak when she accuses him of drama queenhood.
How right you may yet prove to be, oh toothy one.
Oh the delicious irony.
Lady potential – 7/10
Cree – 34 Entrepreneur
Cree bounds in dragging wife Monica. She procceds to smile mindlessly while he informs us why he’ll be so good at this challenge, like Kelly Ripa on a Ritalin high, or should that be low?
Monica doesn’t speak. . . possibly ever.
Lady potential – 5/10
Rick – 45 Tile Contractor.
Rick is accompanied by wife Amy, who offers no hint of a reassuring ego stroke when he claims to not be a macho man.
He’ll change diapers, he’ll change tires. He appears to feel he has all challenges with a “changing” element covered. Little does he know readers. How splendid to be in on the joke.
Lady potential – 4/10
Patrick – 23 Mechanic/Bartender
Patrick, Grizzly Adams Lite, declares himself to be a guy’s guy. Girlfriend Joy hastily agrees, no doubt fearing a swipe from his giant manly paw.
Lady potential – 2/10
Albert – 21 Driving Range Assistant.
Albert arrives with girlfriend Diana, and it’s instantly apparent he’s the prettier half of the relationship.
They both drawl their responses and likely smell of gravy and possum.
Lady potential – 9/10
Sam – 41 Investment Banker.
Sam, a parent of six weeks will hopefully be appreciative that he gets to wear a pretty dress without having to battle baby-weight.
He does a little “one-two, punch-punch” style dance and spin while wife Lisa tells us how adventurous he is. Everywhere apart from the dance floor, I’ll wager.
Lady potential – 6/10
Nathan – 28 Bartender.
Nathan is a nice guy, a team player, but when the competition is on he’ll kick your ass.
Hopefully it’s an ass-kicking competition as I’m sure that move isn’t in the Queensbury rules.
Nathan looks like a young Ted Kennedy, without the bridge phobia.
Lady potential – 6/10
Michael – 26 Marble Fabricator.
Michael bounces in, his left arm raised aloft and on his lips a promise to do whatever it takes to win. I have no doubt taping his genitals to his leg is not covered why that “whatever”.
He’s kinda pretty though.
Lady potential – 8.5/10
David – 37 Rehab Services Manager.
Even actual gender reassignment couldn’t turn him into a convincing female…or could it?
His head appears to have grown directly up from his shoulders.
Lady potential – 1/10
The Plastic Man.
The conveyor belt delivers yet another, fresh faced rent-a-host, waiting to bust forth from his hermetically sealed traveling chamber.
TBS, having only stumped up for the cut priced Blandy Mc Blandenstien model, unleash upon us the impossibly square-jawed Tony Frassrand.
He bids a hello to the “ladies and gentleman”, completely passing up the opportunity to wink knowingly at the camera. How much you have to learn hostbot.
He goes on to explain that, in a few weeks we’ll know who has won the money.
Whoa, back that thing up Vanilla boy, this charade is going to take “weeks” to unravel? But… but, why?
He clicks the clasp on a important looking metal case to supposedly reveal $250,000.
Despite having no other confirmation of the total cash value of the contents of the case, the men whoop, holler and applaud.
So innocent, so trusting.
So, what will it be?
Gator wrestling? Dan’s ready.
Scheming and lying? Nathan’s all system’s go.
Eating weird stuff? Albert’s skeptical, but $250,000 buys you a lot of Nascar memorabilia.
Doing whatever it takes? Donnell’s all about that because “Baby” likes nice stuff.
Like an orthodontic plan perchance?
To increase the tension, Plastic has the men removed to a soundproof room, while he explains the particulars of the challenge to the women.
The couples all kiss, despite the fact the men are coming right back. I believe Monica does finally squeak something, but I’d have to confirm that with my neighbour’s dog.
Plastic launches into an explanation.
The men will learn what it is like to be a woman, by dressing up as women.
Yes, apparently the entire essence of being a woman is embodied in the hip skimming fabric of a flatteringly bias-cut skirt.
I often wear pants, it truly doesn’t make me feel as though I know what it’s like to be a man. But, of course I’m being too deep here. This show is all “surface”, unless they intend to go trawling the suppressed feminine side of the guys in the weeks, that’s weeks to come.
After removing all the guys from the room, Plastic decides to bring them back in one at a time to fill a few torturous minutes.
With an hour to fill and the slenderest of premises it’s all about the padding my friends. In more ways than one.
First up is Donnell, but mercifully the editor cuts together a montage of the telling and accepting.
Indeed , they are all man enough to accept the challenge.
Donnell is clearly driven by the need to acquire nice things for Baby.
Baby likes nice things, it’s all about Baby, it’s all about getting Baby nice things.
Shut the hell up and do Baby a real favour, brush up her resume and send her out into the workplace.
Ok, yes, yes, you’re right, she might already have a job, but the guy is running on so much about the acquisition of nice things for Baby, that his makeover will clearly be successful as Baby has already started the process but cutting off his b*lls and keeping them in her purse.
The bid goodbye to the lady folk and we finally get to hear Monica speak when she offers up the encouraging “Yoo da be do gray” to Cree.
Which I can confirm after just five swift rewinds and re-watches is “Barbie” for “You’re gonna do great”. No need to thank me, it’s what I do. I give and give and give.
With the real XX’s out the way, the men convene in front of a large expanse of red velvet drapery, where Plastic tantalizes them with one last look at the case o’cash, before the curtains swish back on his demand to revel the makeover team.
“I was really surprised when I saw the make over team”, claims Donnell.
Of course there’s a team, planning is the name of the game, they didn’t just throw this show together you know.
To a back drop of helium induced version of Pink’s Get The Party Started, possibly sung by Cree’s wife Monica, the shaving, waxing and wig and nail fitting begins.
Although looking rather comfortable, Albert claims to be “second thinking” the whole process. Second thinking? That’s a new one on me. If Albert’s brain moves along at the same frozen molasses pace as his drawl first thinking must be a time consuming process.
“It’s a bit much”, he continues. Yeah, you’re wearing false nails and a “Shirley Temple descends into the fiery pit of street walking prostitution” style wig. A bit much. Dja think?
Of course the greatest fun is to be had when they move to the waxing station.
TBS has drafted in Brunhilda the most formidable East German power-waxer to emerge from the drug-addled days before the wall was felled.
They’re screaming and no doubt to preserve their PG rating in the wake of her orgasmic facial expression that greet their every squeal, we get but one glimpse of Brunhilda’s mug or those of any of her formation waxing team. Bummer. I wanted to see her smile at their pain.
Donnell is convinced that if he thinks like a woman, acts like a woman he’ll make a convincing one.
He actually seem to be thinking on a much deeper level than me, to the extend I feel almost shocked into showing this show more reverence. I said almost.
He calmly lays back while Brunhilda’s right hand woman waxes out his nostril hair…twice. The guy is nothing if not committed.
The time arrives to select outfits for the evening.
As I’m sure we could all have guessed, when the rack of potential outfits is wheeled out, everything is pink. As if the massive false nails, tweezed and waxed eyebrows and make-up weren’t enough, the pink outfits will really drive home to us dumbass viewers that they’re trying to pass themselves of as woman, because all women wear pink.
It’s that simple.
The stylist selects a pink diagonally striped strapless dress for Dan, who feels fully comfortable admitting it’s the type of outfit he’d have chosen for himself.
Donnell meanwhile becomes borderline princess as he voices his concerns that none of the pinks on display will flatter his skin tone.
Donnell it would appear, means business.
The Pretty In Pinks?”.
After the break we meet the judging panel.
Morgan Fairchild from tv’s Falcon Crest.
Did I just show my age? Damnit!!
Morgan never appears to look any older, leading me to conclude she sold her sexual services to a plastic surgeon in a “tucking for …” well, you know the kind of deal I’m talking about.
John Salley, seem last by me at least, as a judge on All-American Girl.
Actually, that’s the only time I’ve ever seen him. Not a very impressive resume imo, but as he doesn’t know me and will never meet me I’m sure he’ll expend very little energy trying to wow me with his body of work. Anyway, I’m sure all you American’s know who he is, to me he’s the tall slightly touchy-feely guy from that crap show with Gerri Halliwell.
The other judge is Debbie Matenopoulous. She bubbly. Oh sweet Jesus, is this woman bubbly.
Plastic informs them they will be meeting the contestants one at a time.
The men will see their makeovers live, well taped, but, well they won’t have seen themselves until they walk out on stage and he lets them look in a mirror, is what I’m trying to say. Kind of like The Swan, but without the three months wait, exercise routines and intense therapy to resolve their self-esteem issues.
After explaining to the judges that four of the men must be eliminated that evening, Plastic calls for the pageant to begin.
Dan- A.K.A. Gisele - - Dan decides to predictably bust out the standard “man dressed as a woman” walk, by placing one hand on his hip, while the other is lofted and bent over like a shepherd’s crook. He completes the effect by swinging from side to side from the waist. As women only walk like this inside men’s heads, it’s a stone cold giveaway.
Also, when you’re complimented on a body part, be annoyingly critical of yourself.
When Debbie tells you that you have great legs, it’s great on a personal level that you can embrace that and agree, but the more accurate thing to say is “Oh my God, do you think so? I hate my legs, they’re so stubby and my calves are so fat”, particularly if they’re not.
Lady points – 6/10 Lady problem – the walk.
Ryan – A.K.A. Sunshine – Ryan is apparently “profilin’ stylin’ and buck whilin’”. I don’t know. I was hoping you’d be able to tell me. Plastic reveals his image in the mirror and, utilizing his wrestling skills, Sunshine falls flat on his back. The judges seem embarrassed, as am I. The fall is noted by John Salley, who is probably used to having women fall right on their backs when they meet him, following his apparent sports career and possibly to a lesser degree for the stint on All-American Girl. Sunshine loses an earring in the process.
Lady points – 4/10 Lady problem – lack of jewelry awareness…and the walk.
Donnell – A.K.A. Raven Nightshade – Donnell actually looks pretty good and was bitingly accurate about the pink outfits and his skin tone. On seeing his reflection, Donnell remarks that he looks like a Williams sister. He absolutely does and I was just about to say that, so way to trample on my punchline, Raven.
Lady points – 8/10 Lady problem – wardrobe limitations.
Cree – A.K.A. Carmen – Cree feels “electric”, ba domp bomp. Cree is loving the boobs, which look incredibly and inexcusably fake like two completely unrelated yet perfectly uniform pieces of fruit, to such a degree that squeaky Monica might have outlived her usefulness.
Lady points 3/10 Lady problem – the pomegranates and soooo the walk.
Rick – A.K.A Chiquita – No doubt named as a reminder of his “banana”, Rick lumbers into view convincing no one.
Lady points 3/10 Lady problem – obvious testosterone.
Patrick – A.K.A. Lilli – Patrick starts out poorly by getting his stiletto wedged in the broadloom. It’s downhill from there as he resorts to making pubic hair references.
Lady points 4/10 Lady problem – the heels.
Albert – A.K.A. Alberta – Albert has it all. Thanks to his well tucked appendage, he’s literally the woman who has everything. One look at his reaction to himself in the mirror and I’ll stake a heavy wager that Albert would “do” himself.
Lady points 9/10 Lady problem – avoiding John Salley.
Sam – A.K.A. Samantha – Surprisingly, good-looking man Sam does not translate to convincing female Samantha, nope, not at all.
Lady points 3/10 Lady problem – 5 o’clock shadow.
Nathan – A.K.A. Amber – If Lurch ever decided to “drag it up” he’d have looked exactly like Nathan. His staccato walking over hot coals walk is far less womanly than his regular man-stride.
Lady points 3.5/10 Lady problem – do be do do*snap snap*
Michael – A.K.A. Scarlett- Tall, slim and pretty, Michael is the best looking woman I’ve seen since, well, Albert. They should have hooked him up with a bigger set though. If you’re going to have fake boobs they might as well be good ‘uns.
Lady points 8.5/10 Lady problem – flat chested.
David – A.K.A. Wynona – Where to start?
Imagine an isosceles triangle, point down, with a circle resting on the top line…there you have David.
The stylists attempt to disguise his lack of neck behind a turtleneck top really only exacerbates the problem.
Lady points 3/10 Lady problem – geometry.
Now we have met all the contestants, the judges must bring together their combined total of zero years in the fashion industry to eliminate four people.
Debbie loves them all, how predictable, John has voted for whomever made him laugh because they’ll be running round L.A. dressed as women. They will?
Ok, that’s one of the upcoming “weeks” of this show covered.
Morgan claims to know they are just doing this for their wives and sweethearts, but the look on Cree’s face confirms to me he’s doing it for the fakes.
The judges choose:
Raven – he loses all previous composure and “cowboys” his way to the podium.
Alberta- the look on his face shows he was clearly expecting it.
And finally Giselle, who remains fully in character by reacting with a palm to the chest and “oh my God” with combination hair flick. Text book.
The other men say their goodbyes and leave, likely already wondering how they’ll explain their eyebrows to friend who will stare at the faces not knowing what doesn’t look quite right.
Plastic tells the finalists that a limo is waiting to take them to their new living quarters. While they are inside, they can live as men, if they step outside the house, they must be women. Simple rules, but break them and face elimination.
In a bid to try and keep the funny coming, the producers have kitted out the house like a pink and purple dream. A psychedelic Barbie world that is an accurate depiction of where the producers obviously think all we women live. Perhaps it’s a subliminal aide to help the guys get to the point where they continually think about being a woman, instead of just continually thinking about women.
It’s tacky. Real tacky.
They have one large shower with two showerheads.
Now, if they really want the guys to think like women they’d have made sure the showerheads weren’t fixed to the wall. I know you know exactly what I’m saying eh ladies, eh?
The true personalities come on as the fake boobs, hair and nails come off.
Donnell is loud and obnoxious (told yah), Michael is the competitor and David is the nice guy.
Albert, the young ‘un, will fool the guys into thinking he’s a slow country lad, but according to girlfriend Diana, there’s “something cooking in his brain”.
Chicken fried raccoon?
The drink a toast to their fallen comrades and wonder what is in store for the coming weeks.
I guess they didn't hear about the running thing.
Next time on “He’s A Lady”:
Running around L.A.