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Welcome back for another heaping helping of food you wouldn’t serve your dog and enough bleeped out words to put Carlin to shame. And for dessert: a second hour of Hell’s Kitchen! Yes, because one hour just wasn’t enough, apparently. That, or they’re in a rush to get this mess over with and move on to Master Chef. Let’s hope for a better set of contestants there, shall we?
Starting out this week’s show is Jason, who is in obvious need of a diaper change with the tantrum he’s throwing. Several of his co-dudes wanted him gone last week, but Jason doesn’t agree. “I’m not the weakest!” he yells as he slams down a chair. Perhaps not, but you are being the weirdest. Now that Andrew is gone.
The first challenge is too easy: feed the USC Trojan marching band stuff like burgers, fries, chicken sandwiches and salads. The first team to feed their half of the restaurant wins. Easy, yes? Well, it would have been if Jason hadn’t spent the whole time with his lip poked out, pouting and shuffling around, and if Scott hadn’t served up a still mooing burger. Red team wins! Girls get a trip to the beach and the guys get to pick up enormous amounts of trash along the L.A. River. Tires, diapers, all sorts of crud. Stop littering, people. Criminy.
After the girls eat, drink, and get thrashed at a game of soccer by Ramsay & family, they head back for dinner service. Where Fran promptly burns her hand while trying to pour out some oversalted boiling water. She blows it off as Chef picks Holli and Salvatore to assist JP out in the front. Problem is, nobody can decipher Salvatore’s hieroglyphs - the guy writes worse than a first grader. JP helps him out after Ramsay throws a fit. If Salvatore’s handwriting is hard to understand, his speech is only marginally better. While trying to explain why their entrees were taking forever, he tells one diner “I very apologize the food to be late. My teammate put extra love to the salmon.”
That’s one fish dish I’d pass on. Bleah.
And cue the miscooking of the food! Maria mucks up the risotto (sigh), Scott tries to send out a plate of pasty looking potatoes, Fran way undercooks several steaks, and Jason is still pouting after getting yelled at yet again. Salvatore screws up a ticket, gets himself a new one ripped by Chef, and stomps away, making noise about quitting. He doesn’t, though. Siobhan ends the night with a bang by plating up some raw halibut - Ramsay smashes it with his hand just like he did last week’s salmon. Dude is hell on fish, isn’t he?
Fran’s burn is getting the better of her, and even though she hisses at the others not to tell Chef, Autumn tattles anyway. He takes a gander and sends her to the medic, much to her dismay. She much preferred to let it fester and get infected, thank you very much.
The blue team screwed up somewhat less than the red, so they win the first round. Fran and Jamie are put up, and for reasons unbeknownst to me, Jamie gets the boot. Yeah, because Fran is showing so much promise? Whatever.
And the Torture Continues...
On to hour two! Scott and Salvatore sit up late at night, contemplating their navels and discussing ways to get ahead. Seems dear Scott has taken Salvatore in as his little wayward pet. Why? I don’t know. Just like I’ll never know how these people burn through 20 cartons of cigs in a night and are still able to taste their food.
Challenge number two consists of teams rolling dice six times: whatever letter they roll, that team member must choose a food that begins with that letter. Once again, easy, right? Nah. The guys pick great stuff to work with, like halibut, crab, endives and bacon. But the women choose beets. And turnips. Mango. And ham and duck. Somehow, they make something edible out of it, but the guys win anyhow. They get a skydiving trip (in a wind tunnel). The girls get the pleasure of scrubbing the entry and prepping both kitchens.
Overdramatic, weird facial expression-using Maria picks this opportunity to have a meltdown. Was it stress or laziness? I’m not sure, but this chick is a little off. Maria gets told to suck it up by Ramsay’s sous chef Andi, and she hops back into the fray to add her brand of weirdness to the mix.
Celebrity guests join the contestants...well, if you consider Kevin Frazier and Debi Mazar celebs. There were others, but I didn’t pay a lot of attention. The blue team is too busy fighting to pay much attention, also: everyone seems to want to whip Scott’s ass for being such a bossy jerk. And Siobhan confuses her crab and lobster (sound familiar?), earning a blistering from Ramsay. I don’t care if the can was labeled wrong, in no way does lobster resemble crab meat.
In tonight’s biggest shocker, Salvatore totally rocks the fish at dinner. Writing, no. Fish, yes. Ramsay gives Salvatore and Nilka the nod for being the best, then screws them over by making them pick the nominees. Autumn and Scott get the finger pointed at them, and in true Ramsay fashion, neither one goes home. Instead, he makes them switch teams. So basically, each team is just getting another bossy, overbearing snot - only in the form of a different gender. Tune in next week for more chain smoking and fish smashing!
P.S. - I'm calling either Ben or Nilka to win this thing. The others are just too inept/weird/nasty.
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