Well, if the oyster-truffle-duck butt-whatever the hell it was pizza from last week wasn’t your cup of tea (seriously, just give me a pepperoni with extra cheese and an icy beer, I'm good), perhaps this week will be more enjoyable for you: it’s a Sweet Sixteen party! What, not excited? I mean, what teenager wouldn’t want to spend such a momentous occasion surrounded by incompetent chefs, undercooked food, and plenty of cursing? Not our little
actressbirthday girl, that’s for sure. I just hope they don't make the poor thing ill on her birthday. So, let’s get this party started, Hell’s Kitchen style.
Flies and creepy guys
After the cheflings are given their nightly “piss off” by Gordon after dinner service, they trudge back to their quarters to puff cigarettes and bitch. Corey still has it out for Christina, telling the others that she’s condescending. Shayna doesn’t think so. Wait, who is this Shayna person? I do believe this is the first time I’ve heard her speak. Christina walks up sipping some wine, cockily telling the rest of them that she’ll probably be up on the chopping block again. She tells us that she’s the whole package - she can cook, she can read a book, something about wearing heels...yeah, whatever. Congrats, you can do the same things most women in this country can do.
Meanwhile, Ben and Bobby have become new best friends forever and plot Matt’s demise. “We gotta stay together like flies on s***,” says Ben. Well, with the crap you guys have been plating up, I think that’s a fitting analogy. Matt and his creepy creepy eyebrows are off in another room whining to an obviously uninterested Louross about how Ben and Bobby are ruining the team. How dare those two try to lead the team?! Mattie thinks they’re a dysfunctional group and he’s tired of losing, dammit. I figured ol’ Matt would be pretty familiar with the concept of loserdom, myself.
Gordo informs our so called chefs that for the first time ever, they will be cooking for a Sweet Sixteen party, bringing them to a local farmer’s market that is supposed to be the shiznit. Louross is immediately aghast at the thought of cooking for a teen, because that’s when girls become “all, like, demanding.” I want to know at what age Louross became all, like, stupid. The cheflings have 100 bucks and 25 minutes to shop for three dishes - one appetizer, two entrees. They then have 45 minutes to cook (or undercook, as it were) their dishes and serve them.
Raw fish pizza. Really.
Off they go a-shopping. The guys peruse the meat counter as Matt weirdly suggests a sushi pizza on a tortilla, which is immediately shot down as the stupid idea it is. Matt and his eyebrows pout. Bobby, who secretly wonders if Matt has mental problems, suggests chicken wings. I laugh! Chicken wings for a Sweet Sixteen? Ha. I also eat my words later. Matt keeps insisting they go to some “little supermarket area” over and over, but nobody listens. The girls go the glamourpuss trendy route, with Corey claiming that pomegranates are the in thing now. Yes! Just last week, I think I saw Paris with a pomegranate instead of Tinkerbell.
Just before presentation, Gordo asks if anyone has been to a Sweet Sixteen party recently. Only creepy creepy Matt raises his hand. Er, okay. I’ll leave that one alone. In comes the teen queen herself to taste the chef’s creations, along with her plastic fantastic mom. Must have been a buy one get one free sale at Botox R Us this week! Anyhoo, what did our cheflings come up with for appetizers? For the ladies: a Tuscan shrimp scampi. The guys: bleu cheese stuffed chicken wings. The birthday girl has never tasted shrimp in her life (say what?!) and isn’t impressed, spitting it into her napkin. Poor deprived child. She loves the chicken wings that I made fun of, however. Guys win.
For entree number one: the girls have a Caribbean halibut with mango and avocado salsa. Guys: sweet potato mash with sauteed asparagus and the dreaded shrimp. Mom proclaims the fish dry, the rice undercooked, but loves the salsa. She thinks it would be awesome if cooked properly. Teen girlie doesn’t dig asparagus, and we already know how she feels about shrimp. *ding* Girls win this round.
Entree number two for the ladies, created by Corey: grilled flank steak with pomegranate sauce and homemade french fries. For the guys, made by Petrozza: grilled filet mignon with shrimp of doom. The pomegranate seeds are hated on, as is the fat on the filet mignon. The birthday girl is about to make her choice when mommy dearest pipes in with her comments. Gordon shushes her, but it’s too late: the girl has changed her mind, and goes with the guy’s dish. The girls are crushed, knowing they were thisclose to winning until mom opened her collagen-injected mouth. The girls must decorate the room under the supervision of a flaming “sparkle-icious” party planner (seriously, where do they hire these awful actors?) while the men get to ride go karts. Whee.
As Bobby whoops their butts in a go kart race and the girls frou-frou up the room, the Mom from Hell walks in and voices her displeasure with the colors, napkins, settings, state of the Union, everything. Flaming party planner is not pleased. Our Lady of 1000 Face-Lifts bitches about the lack of napkin rings - oh, the horror! Shayna to the rescue - she folds the napkins up into cutesy little fans and places them in stemware, eliminating the need for rings and pissing Corey off in the process. “It looks stupid,” Corey spits as she huffs out of the room.
The skeevy scene of the week alluded to last time involving Corey, Louross, and the hot tub? Nothing really happens. Editing tricked us again. Viewers everywhere are thankful.
These ARE supposed to be chefs, right? Right?
Finally, it’s almost dinner service time. They’re prepping, and Shayna takes about three days to chop her salsa ingredients into teeny little bits, irking everyone around her for being so slow. The teenyboppers file into the restaurant, and the cheflings prepare to screw up the food as usual. Christina starts us off by mucking up the risotto, leaving out the ‘shrooms. Not to be outdone, Bobby plates up some dry chicken wings, which Ben throws some sauce on at Gordon’s insistence. Appetizers go fairly well after this, surprisingly.
Entrees are brought out to the guest of honor and her mom (well, mom has to wait a while for hers). The birthday girl cuts into her filet, and it’s still mooing - a long way from the medium well she asked for. Back it goes to Rosann, who screwed it up. And here comes mom’s halibut, cooked to death and dry as a bone. Needless to say, Gordon isn’t happy. He yells and kicks things as jaws drop in the dining room. Flaming party planner guy tries to distract the diners, to no avail.
Rosann plops another rare cut of beef on a plate as a replacement for the first screw-up, and Gordon loses patience, telling her to get the hell out of his way. He cooks the birthday girl’s food himself. Rosann is embarrassed, as well she should be. Gordon rips Shayna for being slow - evil Corey thinks it’s because she’s overweight and can’t move fast enough. Emeril and Mario would disagree, Corey dear. Matt wants some attention, too, and plates up some cold, undercooked halibut for the mom. Gordon rages. Bobby pretty much takes over the fish station from creepy creepy Matt. “You act like I’m doing a bad job over here,” cries Matt. “You ARE!” replies Bobby. Gordon notices Matt’s uselessness and tears into him, accusing him of hiding and letting someone else run his station. Matt tries to argue with him. Big mistake.
People finally receive fully cooked entrees, dessert is served, and nobody gets food poisoning. The birthday girl gets one more surprise: a mini concert by the Pink Spiders. A real band, apparently. Not my kind of music, but they were okay. You just know she was expecting a Mercedes or something.
Who's got big balls?
Inside, Gordon counts up the comment cards for the teams: 98% said they’d come back for the guy’s team, and 99% for the girls. No losers tonight, he says. Matt thanks him for his generosity and Gordon snarls “F*** generosity.” Hee! Matt just doesn’t know when to shut it, does he? He stomps upstairs to pack his bags, calling his team mates scumbags. Said scumbags sit around and giggle at Matt’s stupidity, agreeing that Matt is on the chopping block. The girls decide to put up....Shayna.
Shayna? Gordon looks flabbergasted. He asks Christina who she would put up, and she says Rosann. He calls Matt, Shayna, and Rosann up to plead their cases. The ladies give the usual, and that they’re there for their kids. Matt cries that he was bullied off his station by Bobby, and you can see the fire light in Gordo’s eyes. “Look at you! There’s 250 pounds in there! Louross’ balls are bigger than yours!” Gordon yells at Matt. Matt continues to whine, saying that he would rather cook with the girls.
So be it. Matt and his tiny testes are sent over to the girl’s team, and Shayna - Shayna? - is sent home. Yep, the one that Gordon couldn’t believe was nominated, he sent home. Color me confused. He tells her she was too slow, and to go home to her three month old daughter. Rosann sticks around another day to undercook some more food. The ladies do NOT welcome creepy creepy Matt with open arms, but the menfolk are glad to be rid of him.
Next week: more bad cooking, more things are thrown, and Matt is still being a bitch. What ever happened to the teaser about someone coming back? No clue. They tricked us again.
Seriously, how many of you have never had a shrimp? waywyrd@FORT