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Thread: Hellís Kitchen 5/27 Recap: S is for Sweaty and R is for Raw

  1. #1
    Bitten Critical's Avatar
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    Oct 2004
    Fangtasia - The Bar With Bite

    Hellís Kitchen 5/27 Recap: S is for Sweaty and R is for Raw

    Years ago, when I lived in a so-called ďA-MarketĒ for news, I used to sit and watch the nightly news and wonder aloud ďWho the hell are the turning down for this job?Ē The anchors and reporters were so bad, I couldnít imagine how bad the people who didnít get the job were. Then I moved to a small town and saw exactly who got turned down for the job. You know itís bad when the lead anchor says things like ďnuke-u-lerĒ and ďkinnie-garden.Ē So, whatís the point of this story? Well, Iíve been watching Hellís Kitchen these past few weeks and wondering just how bad the contestant pool for this show had to be for these people to have been considered the cream of the crop. It had to be like a casting call for spastic toast makers, because these people canít seem to prepare anything without burning it or putting on the plate while itís still mooing. I have to wonder if Gordon Ramsay will be willing to hire the winner of this show to be a waiter in one of his restaurants, much less a chef who prepares foodÖ.for other people to eat.

    Last week, we saw Chef Ramsay send Roseann packing after a disastrous dinner service (as if thereís any other kind on this show). Matt sliced like half of his finger off and Jen managed to piss off her new teammates. With only five hands (or is five and a half?) cooking on the Red Team, the Blue Team won the dinner service.

    We pick up tonightís action back in the dining room after Roseannís ouster. Ramsay sends the teams back to the dorms with a ďBlue Team, well done.Ē

    Back at the dorms, Matt whines and apologizes for letting his team down. Corey tells us Matt might do better in a different career. She suggests he try selling used cars. Matt vows to work hard so he can stay. On the Blue Team, Bobby says heís just going to let his cooking speak for him. All of the guys are over Jen already and vow to wrench control back from her.

    Telephone: Special Cooking Edition
    Back in Hellís Kitchen the next morning, Chef Ramsay greets everyone and explains that because they all are still struggling with timing and communication, this weekís challenge will test those two things. Each team will make three dishes: scallops, John Dory, which Google tells me is a kind of fish, and chicken. Whatís the catch? Only one person from each team will be allowed in the kitchen at a time. They will work on the menu in 6 minute increments and will have only a few moments to communicate with each other on the changeover. Because the Blue Team has one more chef than the Red Team, one of them will have to sit this challenge out. Jen takes control of the situation and announces that theyíre going to put the 3 strongest people in and leave the weakest one out. For her, Louross is the weakest. He fumes as the rest of the team just accepts Jenís command. Chef Ramsay is surprised that Louross is sitting out the challenge since he moves so fast in the kitchen.

    In the first round, Matt and Petrozza hit the kitchen. Because each dish has a different cooking time, the teams will have to communicate well to ensure that all of the dishes are ready at the same time. A disappointed Christina tells us that the other chefs had to stand so far away from the kitchen that they couldnít really see what was going on. On the changeover, Christina canít understand a word Matt says. Bobby, who takes over from Petrozza, is more confident. He says heís going to plan and execute.

    In the Red Kitchen, Christina notices that the chicken Matt started poaching is still raw. Corey looks on and knows that, if Christina prepares it the way sheís planned, it will be overcooked.

    The last two to hit the kitchen are Jen and Corey. They each have to sear the scallops, finish the chicken and plate all of the dishes. In spite of her plans going in, Corey says everything fell apart when she got into the kitchen. Louross looks on and practically gets on his knees praying for Jen to blow it. Chef Ramsay counts down to zero as Jen and Corey plate the entrees.

    The River in Egypt
    Chef Ramsay settles in for the judging: the proof is in the tasting, he says. First up are the scallops. The Red Team left off the salad, but it still rates a ďvery niceĒ from Ramsay. The Blue Team overcooked the eggs and left the scallops raw. Jen rants to us: Chef Ramsay doesnít know what the hell heís talking about. Those scallops were cooked perfectly, she claims. The Red Team wins this one.

    Next is the John Dory. The Red Teamís presentation is bad and their sauce is too thick. Really though, at least they had sauce. Jen explains that she burned the sauce and had to leave it off. In spite of Jenís error, Ramsay praises the presentation and says the dish is delicious. The Blue Team wins.

    The chicken dish is last and Ramsay says the Red Teamís offering is nicely cooked and moist, but Corey left off the baby leek. The Blue Teamís dish is nicely cooked and moist as well but, once again, Jen left off the sauce. That error loses the competition for the Blue Team and Ramsay declares the Red Team the challenge winners. Matt cries like a little girl. Louross gloats over Jenís ineptitude in the challenge. Jen, on the other hand is confident she did a great job and refuses to apologize to her teammates.

    The reward for the winning team is a trip to the beach. Ramsay sends the Red Team off to get into their swimsuits: thereís convertible outside waiting for them. While the Red Team is off getting sand in awkward places, the Blue Team will be acting as the Hellís Kitchen maintenance crew. Theyíll be cleaning carpets and scrubbing everything. Bobby is horrified: heís an executive chef, not a maintenance man. As the guys all scrub the Hellís Kitchen sign out in front of the restaurant, Petrozza tells us heís over all the punishments theyíve been dealt for losing challenges.

    Tourist Beach Hours: 2 a.m. Ė 3 a.m.
    The Red Team is all decked out in beach gear and ready to hit the waves, including Matt, whose idea of beach wear extends to a railroad engineer cap. Like heís Thomas the Train or something. On the beach in Malibu, Chef Ramsay welcomes the chefs and reveals that they will be taking surfing lessons. First, they have to change into wetsuits. As Matt crams himself into neoprene, he squeals ďI feel skinny.Ē This is because there isnít a full-length mirror around.

    The Red Team is putting on their wetsuits while the Blue Team is donning white cleaning coveralls. They continue their cleaning duty and the guys get more and more annoyed with Jenís bossiness. She and Bobby clash over some stupid thing. Honestly, Iím so over the both of them that I sort of tuned them out.

    After a brief surfing lesson with a pro, the Red Team and Ramsay hit the surf. You know, nothing improves the appearance of ineptitude than skin-tight neoprene and a lack of coordination. What ensues is a montage of everyone wiping out, violently. Matt manages to knock his noggin on sand. Hard. I donít think thatís going to help his situation. Everyone, including Ramsay, who does manage to stay on the board longer than the others, wipes out big time and generally look like idiots. Jean-Philippe appears to play Towel Boy and passes out dry towels to everyone. Ramsay comes out of the water and hoists JP over his shoulder, carries him into the surf and tosses him into the water. JP is probably mortified. Itís so undignified.

    Back at Hellís Kitchen, the Blue Team is cleaning the red carpet that leads in to the restaurant. Cue the Red Team, who returns from the beach and walks all over the newly-cleaned carpet.

    Things You Couldnít Pay Me Enough to Eat
    The morning of this weekís dinner service comes and Chef Ramsay calls the chefs into the dining room for a little pow-wow. For the next dinner service, he announces, the menu is gone. Tonight, the teams will be creating their own menus. Each menu will have 3 appetizers, 3 entrees and 3 desserts. They will have 3 hours to plan their menus.

    The teams run off to start planning their menus. The Red Team immediately tries to come up with a game plan and they actually manage to work as a team. The Blue Team is more of a dictatorship with Jen taking control. She vetoes everyone elseís ideas and only likes her own. The Red Team is stoked about their ability to work well together, but the Blue Team is not happy. Louross says Jenís menu is hideous, but he hesitates to argue with her because sheís so overbearing.

    The menus are finished and the teams meet with Chef Ramsay. He thinks the Red Teamís menu is very clever and says theyíll be a strong contender if they can pull it off. Ramsay then listens as Louross reads off the Blue Team menu. He either looks horrified or just plain puzzled. He asks why anyone would want to wrap halibut with zucchini. When Ramsay asks who had the most input on the menu, Jen claims that, although it was a team effort, the majority of the dishes are her idea. Louross admits he isnít happy with the menu and Jen gripes: why didnít Louross speak up when they were planning the menu? Ramsay sums things up Ė the Blue Team menu sounds hideous. The guys all make faces gleefully behind Jenís back.

    Chef Ramsay tells the Blue Team they need to upgrade their menu and infuse it with some excitement. They all stand and work on the menu and Ramsay seems satisfied with their new menu. He sends both teams into the kitchen to get working on dinner prep.

    Matt is in simply in lurve with being on Red Team. While he looks for a field of flowers to skip through, Jen bitches at Louross for dissing her menu. Petrozza sums up the situation: Jen is a bitch, but Louross didnít speak up when he had the chance.

    The Worst Dinner Youíll Never Eat
    Hellís Kitchen opens for another disaster-filled dinner service (<--- logical guess). Tonightís diners will order from the menu of their choice and those decisions will help Chef Ramsay determine tonightís winner. When the first orders come in, the tickets are evenly divided between both kitchens. Dinner service has barely begun, but Christina is already worried about Mattís ability to perform on the appetizer station. She should be. Chef Ramsay says Mattís first pasta appetizer is too salty and orders him to start over. Corey tells us Matt seems too careless tonight.

    Appetizers are flying out of the Blue Kitchen. Things arenít going too well for Petrozza, who puts lettuce into a pot without washing it. Ramsay catches him and orders him to do it again. He can taste a dish and then put the spoon back in the pan but unwashed lettuce is gross?

    Appetizers are leaving the Red KitchenÖ. and then coming right back. One diner sends the pasta back because itís undercooked. Another sends it back because itís too salty. Ramsay watches Matt dripping sweat all over and realizes that the sweat is getting into the food and making it too salty. Whether this is true or not, it has put me off pasta for about 6 months.

    An hour and 15 minutes in dinner service, most of the appetizers have gone out of both kitchens. Unfortunately, Mattís sweaty pasta is being sent back to the Red Kitchen. Matt claims heís never sweated like this before. Honestly, I have no trouble believing that. To sweat, you must actually exert yourself and Matt seems to actively (or is it inactively?) avoid any sort of physical exertion. Ramsay yells at Matt, telling him to stop acting like a baby. More pasta comes back to the kitchen. This time itís too bland. Matt mumbles ďpappardelle sucks.Ē It may suck, honey, but so do you. Christina takes over the appetizer station. Matt whines. He wants to keep trying and trying and trying until he got it rightÖ..and the restaurant emptied.

    The Blue Team is managing to send out entreesÖ.and the diners are sending them back. Louross is blowing it big time by sending out raw filet mignon. Plate after plate comes back and Jen tells us Louross is dropping the ball. If one more plate is returned to the kitchen, Chef Ramsay threatens, heíll close the kitchen.

    Matt screwed up the pasta and now heís a disaster on the vegetable station. His Brussels sprouts are no good and Chef Ramsay tells him so. He then informs Corey and Christina that Matt has given up. Corey threatens to get rid of him. Matt says Corey is a bitch. She might be a bitch, but Matt still gets booted from the vegetable station.

    Meanwhile, Louross manages to finally get a meat order right. Not that it matters; the customer has already left. Chef Ramsay rips up the ticket for that table and throws it at Louross. Louross claims thatís the first time heís ever had a diner walk out without being served. Somehow, I find that hard to believe.

    Two hours into dinner service, the Blue Team has served 34 entrees. Thatís not bad, but the Red Team Ė which is just Casey and Christina at this point Ė has served 47 of 58 entrees. Theyíre really communicating well. Ramsay notices the fact that Matt seems to be imitating a giant paperweight and asks what heís doing. Matt announces that heís cleaning up. If ďcleaning upĒ is code for ďnothing,Ē I believe it.

    The war between Jen and the rest of the Blue Team continues. Theyíre finally finishing up serving the entrees and are ready to move to desserts, but the dessert station is a disaster. The guys wonder what Jen has been doing. So does Chef Ramsay when Jen brings up raw soufflť to the pass. Ramsay dumps the runny soufflť out onto the plate and tells Jen to turn her stove off.

    What Rises When There is No Cream?
    Weíre now two and a half hours into dinner service and all the entrees have been served. The Blue Team is still sucking on desserts and delusional Jen complains, saying itís not fair for Chef Ramsay to blame her for the bad desserts. Seriously. On the Red Team, Matt whines about how everyone is on his back. What is this, the third station heís screwed up during tonightís dinner service? Iíd be on his back too. Mercifully, the dinner service ends.

    Everyone gathers in the dining room to hear Chef Ramsayís decision. Each diner got to chose a menu tonight and the responses were about even. Unfortunately, this was about quality, not quantity. Both teams started of right, but then food started coming back. The Red Team was hurt by Mattís sweaty pasta and the Blue Team by Lourossí raw meat. Ramsay orders Matt to take his bandana. Matt didnít get control at any time during the dinner service, says Ramsay. Matt agrees. The losing team tonight is the Blue Team.

    Ramsay proclaims Petrozza the best of the worst. He was a dirty pig in service, but managed to get his team off to a good start. Dayum. Thatís like the worst backhanded compliment Iíve ever heard. So begins the lobbying and sniping to avoid getting nominated for elimination. Jen of the Nile thinks she deserves to stay and thinks Louross should be going home. Louross tells us heíll be pissed if Jen stays and he gets eliminated. Bobby is confident: thereís no way in hell heís going home tonight. Heís way more experienced than Jen and Louross. Yeah Bobby, we heard. Petrozza thinks Louross was the weakest member of the team tonight, but still wants to get Jen out because sheís bossy. Petrozza thinks Bobby is still good competition.

    Back in the dining room, Petrozza gives Chef Ramsay his nominations. First is Louross, whom Petrozza says lacks the skills to compete at this level. The second nominee is Jen, whom Petrozza says feels she has more to teach than she has to learn: Petrozza thinks the truth is the exact opposite. Ramsay asks Louross and Jen step forward and then announces that heís about to do something heís never done before. He asks Petrozza who should go home. After a few moments, Petrozza says Louross should go home. Ramsay agrees and gives Louross his walking papers.

    Chef Ramsay isnít done yet. Heís about two days past happy about the fact that he gave the teams complete control and free reign at dinner service and they all blew it. He then calls Matt and Jen forward. Jen might be able to manipulate her team, but she canít manipulate Ramsay. Matt is lucky to be here, but heís out of his depth. Matt meekly disagrees. Ramsay orders both to take off their jackets as the other chefs gasp. Itís about to be the Super Duper Triple Elimination! Psych! Christina and Corey look stricken when Chef Ramsay orders Matt and Jen back to their original teams. Clearly, the teams werenít working out, so Ramsay felt the need to shake things up again. Tomorrow, they start again.

    Matt claims that his heart nearly stopped: he was sure he was going home. Corey vows to keep control of the Red Team in spite of Jenís return to the team. Chef Ramsay tells us that Louross was not short on energy, but he was short on cooking ability.

    Next week: The final six chefs are in for another wild ride and the stakes are higher than ever. Chef Ramsay flashes briefcases loaded with cash and the winner of the challenge will get to have dinner with last seasonís winner, Rock, who will extol the virtues of a Ramsay-controlled life. Plus, Casey and Christina plot Jenís demise and Matt goes around the bend and starts speaking in tongues and slapping himself.
    Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.' - Isaac Asimov

    I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "... I drank what?"

  2. #2
    Salty waywyrd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    South Carolina

    Re: Hellís Kitchen 5/27 Recap: S is for Sweaty and R is for Raw

    Hee! Loved your snarks on Matt...and your subtitles are great.

    Super recap, Crit!
    It was me. I let the dogs out.

  3. #3
    Right Here, Right Now Britannia's Avatar
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    Mar 2005
    upstate NY

    Re: Hellís Kitchen 5/27 Recap: S is for Sweaty and R is for Raw

    Thanks Critical! I missed that episode but I could imagine it all in my mind when I ready your recap! Excellent!!!!
    It's a fair cop guv - you got me bang to rights and no mistake!

  4. #4
    Magical Elf MFWalkoff's Avatar
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    Jul 2006

    Re: Hellís Kitchen 5/27 Recap: S is for Sweaty and R is for Raw

    What Rises When There is No Cream?
    That's brilliant!
    "Whatever you are, be a good one." Ė Abraham Lincoln
    What is an "MFWalkoff?"

  5. #5
    what are you watching? iguanachocolate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    between heaven and dimentia

    Re: Hellís Kitchen 5/27 Recap: S is for Sweaty and R is for Raw

    As Matt crams himself into neoprene, he squeals “I feel skinny.” This is because there isn’t a full-length mirror around.

    Matt is in simply in lurve with being on Red Team. While he looks for a field of flowers to skip through, Jen bitches at Louross for dissing her menu.

    He can taste a dish and then put the spoon back in the pan but unwashed lettuce is gross?

    It’s about to be the Super Duper Triple Elimination!
    wonderful job, Crit! loved reading it.

  6. #6
    FORT Hikikomori HaikenEdge's Avatar
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    Jan 2005

    Re: Hellís Kitchen 5/27 Recap: S is for Sweaty and R is for Raw

    Good f'in ish.
    Revenge is ice cream.

  7. #7
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    In a world of my own

    Re: Hellís Kitchen 5/27 Recap: S is for Sweaty and R is for Raw

    As Matt crams himself into neoprene, he squeals “I feel skinny.” This is because there isn’t a full-length mirror around.
    Loved it!

    Great recap, Crit!

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