Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, slipping temporarily into the illustrious shoes of LG this week to bring you all the latest happenings inside the foul mouthed Brit’s kitchen. Yes, I am talking about Hell’s Kitchens where barely qualified ( to make oatmeal) chef’s compete to become the executive chef (figurehead) of Chef Ramsey’s Borgata Restaurant in Atlantic City. Based on these loser’s that are left competing, this won’t be a restaurant I will be visiting anytime soon.
After the non-elimination of Ben and Lacey because of the departure of J earlier in the show (if you missed the show, make sure to read LG’s brilliant recap, here), Gio decides to give Carol some words of advice about teamwork as Carol goes off on yet another dissertation on the faults of Andrea. Elsewhere, the rest of the teams take this time to take part in their favorite past time, Kick the Lacey. Not that she doesn’t deserve it, in my humble opinion. Lacey of course thinks she is the best chef to ever walk the face of the earth, though what she bases this opinion on is beyond me. She does have quite the persecution complex as well. Did anyone else know that the entire world is against her? Poor deluded Lacey. Not.
In the morning, the chef’s arrive in the kitchen for a demonstration by Chef Ramsey. Tartar is on the menu allegedly, a steak tartar and a scallop tartar. Chef passes around the finished tartars and everyone has a taste and seems to enjoy it. Ben remarks on how the steak tartar is wonderful and that the scallops were the “best scallops ever”. Ever the imp, Ramsay has played a little trick on our hapless cooks – the steak was not steak, it was tuna! And the scallops were not scallops, they were sea bass! Errr, stupid cooks. Perhaps, just perhaps, with seasonings and such one could mistake sea bass for scallops. Maybe. If you have a cold. But mistake tuna for steak??!! Really? Forget about the taste, the texture is different. It just cemented my thoughts that these contestants were all recruited from the rejects from the local McDonald’s.
Up next Ramsay tells them it is time for the blind taste test. Oh goody, this should be fun. I am sure these losers won’t disappoint in the idiot factor. LA volunteers to sit out so the teams will be even. Ben and Andrea are up first. They are given 4 items to identify: filet mignon, egg white, beets and romaine lettuce. Well, I can’t blame them for missing filet mignon – I wouldn’t be able to id it past “beef”. But then again I am not a chef nor do I eat red meat. They both get egg white and beets, but only Ben gets the romaine. Blue up 3-2. Next we have Gio, who I am expecting to do well and Robert. Out of turnip, pea tendrils, lobster and black truffle, neither one gets any. “Do I look like I eat pea tendrils to you?!” says Robert. Only if they are sandwiched by Twinkies and deep fried, Robert. They go 0 for four. Pretty sad. Lacey and Carol go next, and Carol thumps Lacey and the Red team is now up 5 to 4. Finally we have Danny and Paula who have to identify 10 ingredients in Minestrone. They take turns missing, but finally have the score at 7-7. Shockingly, there’s a suspense filled commercial break – oh, I am all a tither. When we get back to the kitchen, Carol has pulls it out for the Red team. They win a TV Guide cover shoot with Gordon and the Blue team has to wait on them whilst prepping both kitchens for dinner service that night. Much cheering on behalf of the red and groaning on behalf of the blue ensues and they all scamper off to get themselves ready.
The Red team is getting all gussied up for their shoots, and I must say they end up looking pretty fine. Who knew LA could clean up to be such a hottie – lip ring and all? The Reds sit down with someone named Craig to talk about the joys and pitfalls of being a celebrity chef. As if any of these jokesters would ever be a celebrity chef. The Blue team is kept busy bringing them champagne and chocolate covered strawberries plus lunch. Ramsay takes the opportunity to ride the Blue team about their service. I giggle. Lacey whines through out the whole afternoon – I know, shocking, isn’t it? And threatens to quit and hee haws as if she was their donkey. Jackass is more like it, but I digress. Unfortunately, she doesn’t quit and the guys are stuck with her for another dinner service.
Hell’s Kitchen is open for dinner service once again. How they keep finding people to actually eat at that place I don’t know. My guess is that a good portion of the shows budget goes to paying people to show up there. They must have blown the entire season’s budget getting Eric McCormick (of Will and Grace fame) and Robert Patrick (according to my spouse, he was the liquid metal Terminator in Terminator 2) to dine there. Either that or their studios are pimping them out because they both have new projects coming out.
Paula tries to serve up an inedible risotto and we’re off! Come off it, what is with these people that they can’t cook risotto?! If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: Survivor – learn to make fire, The Amazing Race - learn to drive a dang stick shift and if you are a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen, learn to make a freakin’ risotto! Over in the Blue kitchen, Robert is serving single portions of pasta that could feed half of Africa in one sitting. Ben ‘help’s Robert who does not take to kindly at that and Paula serves up a nearly perfect risotto the second time around.
With both the dining rooms getting to actually eat their appetizers, it is on the main courses. Carol did not have the oven set at the right temperature to cook her Wellingtons and that just sets up her evening with the meat station. Lacey is on the meat station for the Blue team and just has no clue. Well, not that she has ever had a clue, but this night, she is so far out of her element, she would have had a better shot at becoming a sumo wrestler in medieval Japan. There are Wellingtons flying and flames rising to the heavens, I swear, the way Lacey was carrying on you’d have thought it was Armageddon in there. Lacey tells anyone who will listen that she can’t cook meat. That begs the obvious question, Lacey, what can you do? Besides deluding yourself, I mean. Ramsay tosses her out of the kitchen and takes her to the pantry and we view him chewing her out on pantry cam and then inexplicably giving her yet another chance. Why, Ramsay, why? (Much renting of my bathrobe happened when he sent her back to the kitchen.) Robert is so upset his pants split giving us a glimpse of his blue drawers. I for one am quite tired of seeing Roberts’s rear end. Anymore, and I demanding that Fox pay me to watch their show. A lot.
Carol is still struggling with the meat and her lack of communication with her teammates is bringing the whole kitchen down. LA screws up the appetizers on Carol’s non-communication, Andrea overcooks the John Dory based on Carol poor communication. Yet, Carol says none of this is her fault. The girl is in severe denial. Yet, when compared to Lacey, she is perfect. Lacey is screwing up again, without even seeming to try and do a good job. Shocking, I know. Ramsay ahs had enough and demands Lacey’s jacket and boots her out of the kitchen for good this time. Much rejoicing ensues, there is raucous partying in the streets and nuns are dancing on roof tops. Thank God Robert manages to keep his pants on. The Blue team pulls it together after her departure and finish out the evening in fine form, completing their dinner service. The Red team falters and stumbles and Ramsay finally shuts them down before they can finish putting us and them out of the misery.
The Blue team wins and the Red team must decide on two nominees for elimination. Carol was the unanimous choice for the first one, but they were divided on the second between Andrea and LA. Ramsay just about rolled his eyes at the fact they could not come to a consensus and orders all three to step forward. After all three mount their defense, Ramsay tells LA to hang up her coat and leave Hell’s Kitchen claiming she lacked creativity and leadership in the kitchen.
And that is all folks! LG will be back next week to bring you all the happenings in Hell.