Well, who says you don’t learn anything from reality tv? Last week I learned that it was not a good idea to serve raw, ground up scallops sprinkled with white chocolate shavings, and jamming a Cornish hen into a pumpkin did not make for a pleasant dining experience. Who knew? I also learned that four foot phallic-shaped chef’s hats are not appreciated in Ramsay’s kitchen, and that Jason is quite possibly the biggest waste of perfectly good oxygen I’ve seen on this show yet. Let’s see what lessons are in store for us tonight, shall we?
Bitches in the Kitchen
After Dominic’s boot last week, the guys are sitting around discussing how they’ve got to step it up. The Black Gordon Ramsay, aka The Four Star General, now claims that he’s going to morph into “New Bobby.” Dude, it doesn’t matter what you want to call yourself, just show me you can cook. Please. Jason, the aforementioned misogynistic waste of oxygen, plops down to puff a cigarette while I ponder the enormous scar running up the side of his head. Just what the hell is that thing? A botched lobotomy? A failed personality transplant? While I wonder, Jason states that he’s not losing to a bunch of “f***ing girls” again. What a charmer.
Over in girly land, the ladies are pleased with themselves for beating the boys. Christina rallies the girls with a group high-five, telling them that the real “bitches” are in the next kitchen, and they mean to prove it. She thinks the guys needed to cut some dead weight anyway, and they have plenty to choose from.
The cheflings are given a rude awakening the next morning at 5:43 am by the sous chefs wielding bullhorns. Ramsay wants them all gathered out in the parking lot, pronto. Why? To teach them a lesson, of course, about not wasting food. In rolls a garbage truck, unceremoniously dumping a pile of food on the ground. Each team’s waste from the previous night was saved and bagged, and they now must dig out every single piece of wasted and badly cooked food, scooping it with their bare hands into containers: one for the girls, one for the boys. Jen gags and yaks at the slimy mess as Ramsay yells at them for wasting thousands of dollars worth of food.
Eau de Halibut
Today’s challenge for our freshly showered cheflings is how to fillet (or fill-it, as Ramsay pronounces) a huge halibut without wasting any of it. He deftly slices 53 perfect 6 ounce portions out of the fish, and expects the teams to do the same. Yeah, right. Each team has 20 minutes to cut as many 6 ounce fillets as they can, but they must hold up to Gordon’s standards. The clock starts and they dig in, with Louross telling the guys to “make love to the fish.” Er....okay. That’s probably a felony in most states, Lou. The guys finish too quickly (I bet Jason knows all about that) while the ladies take the full 20 minutes. Ramsay approves 41 of their fillets, and picks through the guy’s fish, ragging them on several hacked up pieces. Somehow, they end up with 41 good ones too - a tie! The first one ever!
Tiebreaker - Ben is chosen for the guys, and Corey for the girls. They must choose the fillet from the pile that they think is closest to 6 ounces. Ben’s pick weighs in at 5.9 ounces, and the guys hoot and holler. Corey’s choice weighs....4.8 ounces. Way, way off. Girls fail! Jen trash talks! The guys get to join Ramsay for a lobster lunch onboard a yacht while the girlies get to make fish stock from the leftover fish bits. The menfolk get all spiffed up and file through the kitchen to leave, but Jen thinks it would be a hoot to give them a parting gift, encouraging the girls to chop like mad and fling fish goo all over the place, getting some on the guys. They weren’t pleased. The girls holler “Whose house? OUR house!” and Jason tells the camera that “You can keep your f***ing house, ‘cuz we’re going to the ocean, bitches!”
Into the Rolls Royces and Bentleys they go, chowing down on lobster and other mouth-watering goodies. Jean-Phillipe makes an appearance to serve them caviar in a little navy blue suit with an ascot that Louross thinks “looks prestige!” Back in the kitchen, Jen is calling Corey out for her suckage at the challenge. Christina says they’re a team, they all shoulder the blame. Jen and her lip gloss are not convinced.
I'm Done. I'm Done. I'm Done.
Time to prep for dinner service, and Sharon is already screwing up. Besides not knowing how to keep her freaky tongue in her mouth, she mixes up recipes and has to have Corey show her how to make something. Not a good sign. Neither is Jason’s next confessional, where he shares his profound wisdom that the girls are clueless because they don’t have a man to lead them. “A room full of girls is useless, unless they’re having a Tupperware party.” Our pudgy little friend Jason is going to be a lifelong virgin with that attitude.
Ramsay quizzes Petrozza, asking him to list the five appetizers. He can’t. He gets sent upstairs amid a flurry of expletives to go study the menu, while Chef rips the rest of them for their disastrous first dinner service. Poor Jean-Phillipe got beat up over the rotten service, so one of the cheflings from each team will go out and help him tonight as penance. Chatty Craig and Rosann are picked. Petrozza bitches about how hard it is to learn the menu (seriously?!) and gets a second ass-chewing from Gordo after failing again. Petrozza pouts his way outside, repeating his new mantra: I’m done. I’m done. I’m done. I’m done. I’m done. General Bobby to the rescue! He tries to cheer up the whining Petrozza, convincing him not to quit. I don’t know whether that was a good thing or not, but it was sweet of him. Petrozza finally stutters out the menu to Ramsay, and is allowed back in the kitchen.
In come the hungry hordes, hoping to score some food that’s actually edible in tonight’s dinner service. 37 minutes into service, and Rosann has yet to turn in any tickets for the ladies to get started on. What the hell is she doing out there, getting a manicure? The guys are sending appetizers out already, but Gordon’s less than impressed. He picks a nasty-looking fried egg off the plate and reams them out. Bobby and Jason argue over scallops, Petrozza complains about the fighting causing him to lose focus, and Ramsay rips Jason over sending out raw fish. The girls are still struggling to get appetizers out as the guys begin their main dishes.
While Ramsay continues to throw things and yell at the men for undercooking food, Craig is out in the dining room trying to keep the waiting people happy. One way to NOT make someone happy is by whacking them on the head with a chair leg as you walk by, which is just what Craig did. Jean-Phillipe shoots him an evil look and demands that he go apologize - the hapless Craig didn’t even know he hit her.
Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti...
Gordon, tired of ripping the guys a new one, goes over to visit the ladies. And sees Sharon, she of the baby blue eyeshadow, putting raw meat next to cooked meat. In the trash it goes, and the whole order must be remade. Chef insists that all dishes at the table go out together. Christina cusses over having to remake her fish because of Sharon, and Ramsay lays into Sharon, telling her she looks like the female version of Hannibal Lecter because of her creepy tongue-sticking-out thing.
Things seem to be going relatively well, until Ramsay sees Rosann slide an old ticket on the counter. She’s been holding tickets back so the girl’s team wouldn’t get overwhelmed. Brilliant! She gets an earful from Ramsay, who then pounces on Sharon for screwing up. Again. He calls her a “showgirl with a big feather coming out of her ass.” Now it all falls to pieces: the guys set fire to the gnocchi, a diner sends a plate of Jason’s raw fish back, and Ramsay shuts the kitchen down with a few well placed f-bombs.
He determines that the girls have sucked the most tonight (which I don’t agree with, but I don’t suppose he gives a rip what I think), and chooses Corey as the best of the worst. Immediately, everyone’s mind goes to Sharon. The other girls, the entire viewing audience....everyone but Corey. Corey is miffed that nobody has come to kiss her butt, and decides to nominate based on strategic reasons. In other words, get rid of the strongest competition instead of the screw-ups. Except that this isn’t Survivor, and even then, you keep your strong players until the merge. Then you pick them off. Dingbat.
So Corey picks Christina, for not being her bestest friend, and Jen, for just being Jen. F*** me, exclaims Gordon. Christina gets to plead her case, and starts crying as the men snicker and act like grade-schoolers in the background. Jen chooses to give a long winded speech about the Wonder That Is Jen as Gordon rolls his eyes in disgust. She goes on and on and on like the Energizer bunny with a weave. Gordon makes his decision, and it’s....
Sharon. Oops! Eyes bug out around the room as Can’t Cook Barbie gets shown the door - and Corey knows she screwed up. Not only did Chef override her stupid picks, but now she’s got two pissed-off team mates after her. Smooth move, Corey! Jen vows revenge and Christina promises to gun for Corey.
Next week - the girls decide it would be a good idea to distract the men by throwing a little T&A their way. Will they fall for it? Will they stop sending out raw food? Will Jason fall in the hot tub and drown? Find out next week, when the amazing Amanda fills us in on all the fun.
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