Why is it that they always seem to throw in a handful of talentless hacks on this show just for drama’s sake? And that those same hacks seem to hang on way longer than they should, like little crusty, burned bits of risotto in a pan? Well, let’s hope that we can scrub away one of those useless bits this week - I can think of three right off the top of my head that need to be washed down the drain. And you can probably guess who I’m thinking of.
Last week: Charlie, he of the facial piercings and bacon-dumping, was eliminated over Seth the Stalker. Charlie wasn’t my choice to go, but hey, it’s not my show. Proceed with the weekly chain-smoking bitchfest that always happens after an elimination. Seth is all giggly that he gets to stay, but Gio has his panties in a wad and begins ranting at Seth. Gio says that he’ll work with him 110% in the kitchen, but once they’re done cooking he wants nothing to do with Seth. Seth is crushed. Not.
Later, Robert does a pretty spot-on impersonation of Ramsay for his fellow chefs, sending them into fits of laughter. I’m sort of on the fence with Robert, but he gets points for trying to lighten the mood. Perhaps if this doesn’t work out for him, he could try out for Last Comic Standing.
Morning arrives, and the chefs line up downstairs for their daily abuse. Ramsay asks Carol who she thinks is the strongest cook on their team, and she replies it’s either herself or Andrea. A beaming Andrea grins from ear to ear at this. Compliments are few and far between on this show. As for the guys, Danny pipes up and claims that he’s the best. Ben thinks Danny is an arrogant ass for doing so. Takes one to know one, bub.
Ramsay claims that teamwork is sorely lacking among both teams, so to help them work on that, they’re opening for breakfast. Since when is breakfast an exercise in team-building? Of course, Seth the Stalker happily chimes in that he’s got Ramsay’s scrambled egg recipe down pat - there’s a surprise, huh? - so he wants egg duty. The other guys look at Seth like the nutjob he is, and let him play with the eggs as he is so eager to do.
The customers? A flock of kids, comprised of a local football team and their accompanying cheerleaders. They burst into the room, decked out in uniforms and the little cheerleaders give a cheer for the chefs. Too cute. Hyped up, the teams rush to their stations and get to cooking: red team cooks for the cheerleaders, and the blue team cooks for the football team. This should be easy. Because really, how can you screw up breakfast? Bacon, eggs, pancakes, hash browns....nothing to it. Right?
Wrong. Immediately, Colleen loses focus and joins in with the mini-cheerleaders, hollering like a dingbat in the middle of the kitchen while her teammates are trying to start the food. Ramsay has to step in and tell her to cut it out and start the @#$^& hashbrowns. Colleen whispers weirdly in a confessional that she can still fit in her cheerleader outfit, and I have to wonder: who cares, woman?! The fact that you can still squeeze your butt into your old uniform impresses me not one bit. Try kicking some butt in the kitchen, that’ll impress us.
The blue team takes an early lead, but Ramsay spies a few sloppy plates and rants at “Fats,” aka Robert, for sending out sloppy food. Robert takes the heat but tells us that mall cook J is the one who plated up the messy hash browns, he had nothing to do with it. Seth soon falls behind with his super-special Ramsay-recipe scrambled eggs, bogging down his team. The red team then starts to catch up, even though Coi mucks up a bunch of her pancakes. For crying out loud, how do you mess up pancakes? Sheesh. Still, the red team wins for the first time! They celebrate while Ramsay is bombarded with kiddies asking for autographs and Robert yells at Seth for using a tiny pan to cook the eggs - he should have had a huge pan going at all times. True that.
Punishment? The guys get to clean the whole dining room. And both kitchens. AND they get to prep for dinner service later, for both teams. Ouch. The ladies get to go Beverly Hills style camping, as Ramsay puts it: lounging poolside, being pampered and fed. He tells them to grab their bikinis (so glad the guys didn’t win this) and get ready, and they run off with a squeal. Lacey must be really excited, as she does a spectacular face-plant in her eagerness to get back upstairs. Oh, I just have to back up and watch that again. Splat. Sweet.
The menfolk begin arguing over who was at fault, pointing fingers and pouting. Ben rails at Danny - why, I don’t know - and yells at him “You couldn’t cook my ass!” Well, I don’t think they make a pan that big, Ben. While the guys poke their bottom lips out, the girls live it up with champagne, good food, and cabana boys.
Upon their return, the ladies are dismayed that they men haven’t finished their prepwork, which was supposed to be part of their punishment. Dinner service begins, and the usual ineptitude abounds: Gio doesn’t have his pasta water boiling, Coi tries to get ahead by starting the spaghetti too early, and Seth makes ping pong balls out of perfectly good scallops. Ramsay makes him eat a few of his rubber scallops. He scarfs them down gladly, the twit. Ben forgot to make the tomato-butter sauce for the red team, leaving them and their salmon appetizers hanging. Ramsay bellows at him and asks if it was sabotage. Ben says no, but I wonder.
An hour into dinner, and many tables are still without food. But the red team is stepping it up, having served half of their tables appetizers. Soon, a salad is returned to the blue team. It has the stem end of the lettuce in it. All eyes turn to J, who is in charge of screwing salads up for the night and is responsible for leaving the lettuce butt in there. Gordo rips him a new one and flings the salad plate at the floor, shattering it. Now I know why J goes by one initial. I’d be too embarrassed to use my full name if I were him. J also talks about himself in third-person, a habit which really skeeves me out.
It’s Ben’s turn to get reamed, as he sends out pathetically thin lambchops that have Ramsay foaming at the mouth. “How can someone so fat cut something so thin?!” he screams at Ben. This, after he makes Ben eat one of his floppy little chops. Well, at least the chefs are eating well tonight. While Ramsay is giving Colleen her nightly beat-down, he takes time out to yell at Seth for using the same rag to wipe his pans and his forehead. Ew.
Annnnd here come the entrees, sent back from the dining room: undercooked spaghetti, missing lobster, Beef Wellington that is still mooing. Ramsay blows an artery, ending dinner service and screaming that neither team has won tonight. Both teams slink off to pick their bootees. On the chopping block tonight: Seth and Ben for the blue team, Colleen and Lacey for the red team. Somehow J and Coi lucked out. Ramsay’s choice? Seth the Stalker gets sent home. And! Lacey gets put on the men’s team. The girls are happy, the guys - not so much. Robert says they just got rid of some dead weight but they gained 250 pounds more with the addition of Lacey. Zing!
Next week: Lacey brings her “I quit” attitude over to the blue team, dinner service is screwed up yet again, and Robert moons the camera. Oh, my eyes.