Great American Road Trip 7/27 Recap: Family Values
Last week we bid adieu to the Rico clan, who were in many ways the saving grace of this show with their sweet and laid-back familyness. Without that saving grace, I guess this show is now pure evil.
We rejoin the remaining families in their respective RVs as they read in the travel guide that they’ve reached the midpoint of Route 66. To celebrate, they’ll all convene at the Midpoint Café for a “special surprise.”
Jen Coote is happy because this means her family is halfway to winning the game. But she’s not excited for the cash prize, thank you very much. Just the winning would be enough for her family, because they really like to win. Can’t wait to find out who they donated their money to.
The cabinets pop open in the Faverey vehicle while Lenny’s driving; Dee takes this as an excuse to freak the freak out and screech like a ninny as son Dylan helps her close them. Then all of a sudden Dee is crying because the Ricos left last week. Then Dee is yelling because Dylan is not quick enough in his taking pictures of cows along the roads. Lenny shakes his head a lot and tries to forget that this is his family. Nevertheless Dee tells the camera that they’re having a wonderful time, since they live check to check and don’t have a lot of time or money to do recreational stuff, so this show is a joy to them as a family. Yes, this is them being “joyful.”
At the café, everyone marvels at how old everything looks. Especially the food! *ba dump tss* And then they see Reno and no one is happy. Especially me! *ba dump tss* Reno tries to fake them out and insists that he just happens to be a lover of pie, and they just happen to make great pie, but he is worthless, so no one believes him. It’s not a challenge though, just a fun, impromptu pie eating contest. The first family to work their way through the halfway point of their pie wins a whopping $200 shopping spree at the lovely Midpoint Café convenience store annex! Do you know how many bumper stickers that is? Like 200.
The contest happens and it is disgusting. All the DiSalvatore children (including Silvio) refuse to participate, because as young Blake says, the pie looks gross. There’s your money’s worth in ad time, Midpoint Café! (That’s the Midpoint Café in Adrian, Texas.) The Montgomery family wins in the end. Score one for them.
Back on the road, Coote Jr. is saying some stuff, but all I can think about is how much he sounds like Bea Arthur after a glass of whiskey and a cigarette. The families are on their way to Balloon Fiesta Park in New Mexico. As they cross the border, Ashley Faverey favors us with an ear-splitting scream because it’s THEIR SIXTH STATE! Later, Ashley throws a mindblowingly annoying tantrum because … I have no idea? Her brother laughs at her, her mother ignores her. She continues baring her teeth and screaming, goes off in a corner to pout, and then chastises her mother and brother for looking at pictures instead of feeling bad for her. Meanwhile Lenny Faverey shakes his head a lot, keeps his eyes on the road, and waits for the aneurysm.
The DiSalvatore box is also quite noisy as they pull into the park; Amy is HOPING SHE’LL GET TO GO FOR A BALLOON RIDE, and Silvio is insisting that SHE AIN’T GOING NOWHERES, and the family is STAYING ON THE GROUND.
Goofus and Gallant, GART Style
The next morning they wake to find a bunch of beautiful balloons gassing up right in front of their camp. The Pollards step up to get in one, but Silvio is still protesting because he’s scared. You’d think he’d have instant camaraderie with other sacks of hot air, but no. They go up in balloons and have good times, and then all of a sudden we’re in Albuquerque at the airport. The travel guide tells them all to pack an overnight bag because they never know when they’ll need it. I think they pretty much know.
So, King of the Road challenge. There’s an airplane and a jet bridge, and then a bus with a bunch of pool noodles dressed up in people clothes. Whoever’s job it was to dress up those pool noodles? I want to talk with you about some of the choices you’ve made in your life. The families have five minutes to get as many pool noodles as possible from bus to plane and buckled in to their seats. The prize? A break from RV-ing in the form of a flight from Albuquerque to Phoenix, and a stay at a lovely resort.
The families gear themselves up and promise each other to stay out of the bottom three. The Cootes are strategizing, and Jen tells the kids if they fall to just get out of the way. She really wants that resort night. They do an assembly line, with Coote Jr. in the van throwing out the noodles, Dad running them to the plane, and Jen and Cassidy strap them in. They motivate themselves by everyone telling everyone that they’re moving too slowly. The DiSalvatores just kind of go willy-nilly. The Montgomerys stick to one side of the plane. The Favereys are a mess. I don’t even know. The Pollards have the assembly line going too, but it’s hard for Amie to keep up with the buckling in. Time!
The DiSalvatores bite it big time, with only 29 pool noodles buckled in. The Favereys and the Montgomerys are the other losers; they each strapped in 46. The Pollards managed 47, and The Cootes 48. Lord would I be pissed if I missed winning this on account of two pool noodles. The other families seem to feel the same way; there’s a pause as Reno announces the Cootes’ win, but then Amie’s Belle Training kicks in and she starts everyone applauding. The Cootes head off for their big airplane adventure. Meanwhile the rest of the families have to pile in their RVs and order their Applebee’s. Because they’re plugging the carside service, they have to phone in their orders and eat in the boxes. I hope they sometimes get more to eat than Applebee’s. Or that they have a doctor on call.
The Cootes get picked up in a Hummer limo and report that it’s much better than an RV, as the rest of the families drive their crappy RVs in a thunderstorm and worry about getting blown off the road.
The Cootes end up at the Wigwam Resort, which also looks much nicer than an RV. Or a Best Western even. The rest of the families pull into to the significantly less nice Wigwam Motel, which is a series of wigwam shaped rooms. Wacky! Remember when our country was a country of ideas? The Wigwam Motel is just one of many reminders of the glory of that time.
So they all have their rough night, and the Cootes have their night of luxury. The loser families wake in the morning and the travel guide asks if they missed the Cootes. Dee Faverey says yes, Mason DiSalvatore, “Nope.” The Montgomerys missed them “a little.” What, you missed their joie de vivre, but not their faces?
Everything and the Kitchen Sink
They head out from the Wigwam Motel and drive to a meteor crater somewhere in Arizona. The Favereys are planning their domination: Ashley of all people is encouraging to work together and be a family; Dee is encouraging them all not to yell when they have something to say, while kind of yelling. Oh, Favereys. The Montgomerys are working on keeping their cool.
No word on where the Cootes are, and no word on whether anyone or not cares. They pull up to the massive crater and meet Reno, who starts yammering about UFOs. Suddenly, an unidentified object flies through the sky. Oh, you clever show. A few of the folks scream, and Darius Montgomery calmly tells Reno that he just saw a UFO. “What was it,” Reno asks. Darius point out that it was indeed an unidentified flying object. Then Reno breaks down the challenge. The families will sit in deck chairs and watch the skies for whatever random crap goes flying. They’ll have to remember what they’ve seen in order to stay.
Everyone seems to be having mitigated success, except for when the football flies. Amy Di is getting most of them, Lenny Faverey none. A computer monitor, a golf bag, a teddy bear strapped to a car seat for some reason, a sink, and then something that splits to pieces in the air. One of the pieces looks like a pair of jeans. Is it Ashley Faverey? Ahaha. That was mean. Ha.
Once the UFOs have departed for their homelands, Reno rejoins the group and tells them to put the objects in order on a board using photographs. But get this, some of the photos provided are of things that weren’t even part of the game. Whoa!
The families are a little overwhelmed by this new twist. Alecia Montgomery thinks one person should handle the board, but once the whistle sounds everybody just starts grabbing pictures. Amy Di just kind of breezes through though, and they finish in a jiffy. They’re in. This makes Darius nervous and he just starts ripping down pictures and putting them in new places like a crazy person. Alecia looks at him like he’s crazy. They hit the button; they’re wrong. The Favereys in the midst of their hollering have hit their button; they’re wrong too. It goes back and forth like that some more, and then the Montgomerys win.
Dee and Ashley start to cry, and then Dee is saying, “It’s okay, we made it to Arizona.” Every family's dream. Amie goes over to try and comfort Dee, but Dee brushes her off. Reciprocity! Eventually Dee lets herself be comforted, and then they talk to Reno about how much of a family they are even though they fight with each other. It’s the Faverey way. I can’t argue with that. Lenny says he’ll miss everyone and he loves everyone. I can’t say the feeling is mutual, but I wish them all the best. Except Ashley.
Next week, Silvio risks his beautiful coif in the river. Will he have enough mousse to get it back just so? Tune in to find out.
Re: Great American Road Trip 7/27 Recap: Family Values
Thanks for the recap. Any idea how Amy DiSalvatore got the 3 irons strapped together? Also, I know you're young, but good ridance Ashley. If I want to hear whining, I'll listen to my 2 year old--or my husband. *ba dump tss*
Re: Great American Road Trip 7/27 Recap: Family Values
Thanks for the recap! I forgot this show was on on Mondays so I missed this one. :(