By now I’m convinced the Grease executives are a bunch of idiotic goons. Not only did they create this albatross of a show, but last week they insisted on airing it against a big draw like the premiere of The Amazing Race. As if that wasn’t bad enough, this week it competed (wait, don’t you have to have some kind of skill in order to qualify as a competitor?) against The Academy Awards. Trumpster, a man who absolutely hates losing, bagged the airing of his show on Sunday so as not to be trounced by another powerful man, Oscar. But Grease? Noooooo. Hell why don’t they just move it to Sunday afternoon and let it die a slow death unloved and unwatched. Or they could announce the show is wrapping up early, let America vote one last time, then secretly choose who they want for the Sandy and Danny roles, and wham, bam, thank you ma’am, we’re done. Next!
“Billy, stay with me now -- just keep pretending this is a hot show like me!”
Tonight’s opening number has our ladies lounging on a round bed in skimpy baby doll nighties, singing Look at Me I’m Sandra Dee as they pretend to be at a slumber party. I’m guessing the execs thought this would be a good ploy for catching folks watching the Oscars, who just might be flipping channels during a commercial break. It might work, because I could see it holding someone’s attention for all of seven to nine seconds…
The producers have instructed Host Butthole Billy to pause for interminably long periods of time as we learn who will be moving on in the competition. They’ve also added crisp drum rolls, blaring trumpets, and flashing colored lights. But wait, there’s more! For that extra special oomph of faux excitement, the audience has recently been armed with posters emblazoned with their favorite performer’s name. All of this, of course, is their not-so-subtle attempt to create drama where none exists. Lucky for you, I vow to continue sacrificing my precious time for you, dear readers, and cut to the chase. Those who are deemed safe tonight are Austin, Max, Ashley, Laura, Derek and Allie, and as Snagglepuss would say, they exit stage left.
Chad, Kevin, Kate and Kathleen are on the chopping block tonight and will have to perform later in the sing-off for the judges who will then use their magic powers to save one Danny and one Sandy from going home.
Broadway Bound Babes Acting Like They Care
Ashley Spencer, 21 - Ballerina Sandy
Hometown: Canton, OH
Ashley is paired up with Kevin for her acting scene, and Judge Kathleen is wearing her Acting Coach hat. Kathleen thinks Ashley is unpredictable and wild, and therefore needs to make sure there’s a real person in there. What the hell? Does that make sense to anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Whenever she talks, I swear, all I hear is the bwah, bwah, bwah, like the sound that emanates from the adults in the Peanuts cartoons. I don’t think she’s uttered one thing on this show that as an actress I’d be able to benefit from hearing. But then again, I'm no actress, heheh.
Ashley is looking forward to being sexy during her number tonight, and struts on stage wearing shorts and long, black boots singing the Nancy Sinatra 1960’s hit, These Boots are Made for Walking. Four of the Danny’s are back-up props for her as she pretends to be sultry, but to me it looks like something you’d see at a high school talent contest. Ah hell, who am I kidding? It looks like something you might see at a preschool talent show. The audience is well greased however (<----gratuitous descriptor), and apparently loves it. Odds are the audience warm-up person is a hypnotist.
The Judges’ Convoluted Remarks:
Jim - he’s knocked out by her tall boots, and thinks she’s great (I’m guessing he wasn’t even aware she was singing at all).
Kathleen - she needs to strip away her poised exterior and let us in (bwah, bwah, bwah).
David -(clearly not swayed by the boots), says he’s unconvinced and uncomfortable with her performance.
Allie Schulz, 19 - Baby Sandy
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Judge Kathleen has heard rumors that Allie and Max have a little flirtation going on behind the scenes. But as they’re kissing during the acting classes, Kathleen says they’re not very believable together. Allie says she has trouble connecting with Sandy’s vulnerability, and she’s getting frustrated with herself. Kathleen would like to see Allie convey Sandy’s fun-loving and flirtatious side tonight.
Allie sings It’s Oh So quiet, while wearing a costume I can only describe as something you’d see on Ballerina Barbie. As she sings, Derek flings her about the stage, and at one point it looks as though he comes *this* close to dropping her. I wonder if Judge Kathleen put Derek up to that since that would most certainly bring out my vulnerability. As far as I’m concerned, this was yet another lack-luster performance, with the exception of her tube-top slipping down exposing her black bra, and even that was underwhelming.
The Judges’ Convoluted Remarks:
Jim - this was musical comedy for a Broadway stage.
Kathleen - it was a fun performance, and she wants her to bring that to her acting scenes.
David - she sings and dances well, but for Grease you need the triple-threat to include singing, dancing and acting, which she needs to work on.
“Okay, sister, move over, it's MY turn!”
Laura Osnes, 21 - Small Town Sandy
Hometown: Egan, MN
Laura chooses Derek to act in her kissing scene with Judge Kathleen watching their every move. Kathleen wants to make sure that Laura’s sweet exterior isn’t all there is to her, and she hopes she’ll show she can be sultry, too.
She sings Peggy Lee’s, Fever, which David describes in a creepy, lecherous old man way, as a down and dirty song, and that’s what he wants to see from Laura. Ew. You can bet Laura’s mom is going to be watching him very closely from here on out. Especially since Laura, decked out in a long black sexy gown, does gives a sultry performance. Hands down, she delivers.
The Judges’ Convoluted Remarks:
Jim - he is so smitten, he’s has difficulty forming words, and I do believe I saw smoke coming out his ears.
Kathleen - that was like watching a star, she was great!
David - she sizzles!
I Will Survive (or maybe not)
Our four bottom feeding contestants are preparing for their last chance to be saved. Chad says he’ll do anything the judges ask of him, Kevin knows he’s not the strongest showman, but he thinks he can out-sing and out-act his competitors (huh?). Kate wants the judges to know she has a serious side, and that she loves what she does. Kathleen is crying and says she’s upset because it’s out of her control, and she feels she’s done her very best.
Billy informs us that Kate and Kevin got the lowest number of votes, and with those encouraging words, it’s time for the sing-off. All four sing Blue Moon with each performer getting a few solo verses as usual. Chad begins followed by Kevin, Kate and Kathleen. Personally, I’d save Chad and Kate, but as you all know, my opinion doesn’t mean squat.
After many more dramatic pauses, the judges save Kathleen and Chad, which means, this is the final night for Kate and Kevin. They are both quite gracious, and Kevin even goes so far as to say we haven’t seen the last of him. I assume that’s positive thinking on his part and not necessarily a threat, although if he did begin stalking the others on a regular basis it could certainly provide the drama this show sorely lacks.
Kathleen Monteleone, 23 - Spiritual Sandy
Hometown: Tigard, OR
Kathleen, our little Spiritual Sandy, doesn’t think she deserves to be in the bottom, and she plans on “acting the crap out of” Youthful Sandy. *gasp* Kathleen has never had a stage kiss before, and chooses Chad as her partner. Judge Kathleen thinks Kathleen has a vivaciousness to her, but personally I find her boringly mature. Singing Let’s Hear it for the Boys, she sounds off-key and actually misses a few words. It’s probably one of the worst performances we’ve seen, and on this show, that’s saying a lot. Meh.
The Judges’ Convoluted Remarks:
Jim - her acting is what they loved.
Kathleen - she’s a big fan, but maybe this isn’t the right part for her (ya think?).
David - that was not her best vocal performance, and she was “panting like an old cart-horse.” Thank you
Not Just Your Regular Filler, But Extra Gooey
Frankie Avalon, having been morphed from 1978, makes a special appearance singing, Beauty School Dropout. He not only sounds exactly like he did back in 1978, but he looks exactly the same, too. This guy should be out pimping skin products because whatever he’s doing it’s working for him. Wearing a variety of yellow/pink/red/green wigs, Laura, Allie, Kathleen and Ashley sing backup for him.
1960’s Heartthrob, Frankie Avalon
Dishing the Dirt with the Guys
Next week is a Danny Special, as the boys compete for their plum role. Supposedly each girl has a favorite male performer, and damn, it’s uncanny that they’ve each chosen someone different. Allie thinks Chad should win, but the men think he’s not emotionally available (they’re obviously regurgitating some of Judge Kathleen’s obscure comments). Kate likes Austin, but the guys think he’s egotistical and that he over performs (I happen to agree). Laura likes Derek, but the guys don’t think he has the emotional depth that Danny requires (that's funny because I've never thought of Danny as being an emotionally deep person). Ashley prefers Max, but the guys feel he doesn’t have the technical training for the role.
Two More Schmaltzy Goodbyes
Before we get the sappy salutes to the two performers leaving the show, the judges each pick their favorites of the evening. Oh wait, you want to know my favorite? Well, thanks for asking -- for me hands down it was Laura. And what do you know? Our judges also choose Laura as their favorite. It’s interesting that she’s the only brunette on the show…not sure what that means, but it’s interesting nonetheless.
("I'll get these bastards back if it's the last thing I do!")
Kevin and Kate are finally given their emotional send off, and once again we’ve survived another sugar rush from this saccharin-laced show. Are you concerned about lapsing into a diabetic shock from this show? Let me know at email@example.com.