Globe and Mail
Saturday, May 3, 2003
"Glad I'm not you"
By Warren Clements
As April 30 approached, the challenge was to suggest remarks you would not want to hear from the tax department.
"Your accountant swears that he has never heard of you."
Linda Lumsden, Peterborough, Ont.
Other lines to dread:
"Boy, I am so glad I'm not you." "I'm putting you on speakerphone because there are some sick puppies in the office who want to hear your reaction when I tell you this."
Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.
"Payments to your golf caddy are not eligible as 'carrying charges' on Line 221."
Ken Purvis, Toronto
"Do you really have children named Fido and Spot?" "Mice may be eating you out of house and home, but you cannot declare them as dependants."
Gary E. Miller, Richmond, Ont.
"You can't fill in boxes with 'Wouldn't you like to know?' "
Zishan Allibhai, Richmond Hill, Ont.
"We thank you for your cheque. However, the package containing one worn shirt was unnecessary."
Lilliane Fiola, Winnipeg
"The software you used for electronically filing your I/T return instead sent us your computer file entitled 'Cash under-the-table transactions 1975/on.' "
John Miles, Toronto
"Your case is not improved by repeated use of the phrase 'parasitic bastards.' "
Al Wilkinson, Barrie, Ont.
"That's right. A kilogram of flesh, not a pound." "A 15-per-cent gratuity has been added to your bill."
Suzanne Bedard, Ottawa
"We call it the Auditor's Discretionary Surtax."
Chris Hurst, Brandon, Man.
"We do not believe that the Eyssen Castle Restoration Fund is a registered charity."
Colin Eyssen, Toronto
"The tax cut mentioned in the federal budget was not intended to be self-directed, sir."
Richard Weide, Winnipeg
"As a matter of policy, we do not credit capital losses on stupid investments."
Bill Plumb, Victoria
"We've come to the conclusion that there are lies, damn lies, statistics -- and your tax return."
Arthur Chapman, Winnipeg
"If your surname is Stone, please indicate your blood group when filing your return."
John Conder, Brampton, Ont.
"Our legal branch has rejected your contention that, having been born on Feb. 29, you are too young to file, having observed only 10 birthdays."
S.W. Clay, Charlottetown
"Dear Field Marshal: You do not outrank the Receiver-General."
Leslie G. Andrews, Vancouver
"We have decided that rebates now count as taxable income. Your rebate puts you in a higher tax bracket, so you don't get one."
John Rowell, Nelson, B.C.
"We understand you have a nest egg. We are here to help you through your empty-nest syndrome."
H. Orpen, Powell River, B.C.
"The return you filed electronically did not pass our system's filter for obscene e-mails."
Sudhir Jain, Calgary
"Your return is under review. Please contact our Mr. Torquemada at the Tax Audit Office, 13 Thumbscrew Lane, immediately."
Barrie Collins, Courtenay, B.C.
"Just because you earned less last year than the year before is no reason to penalize Revenue Canada. We need another $500. You figure it out."
Paul Stephen, Toronto
Last edited by Bill747; 05-07-2003 at 11:38 AM.
" Miss Flo Presenti, we have audited your Income Tax return. I regret to inform you we have decided to confiscate the $ 500,000 as proceeds of crime against the audience of the Amazing Race television show."
Last edited by Bill747; 05-07-2003 at 11:54 AM.
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